Those of you who know me in person, know that I am the fun easy going life of the party, usually. You can also attest to the fact that I sometimes engage my mouth before I engage my head (or my heart). Ive had long talks with myself regarding this issue, and myself agrees. Its time to pony up and work on it.
Im an only child, an only child to a preacher none the less. My grandfather was a missionary, and now my husband is also in the ministry (has been since we were married… 11 years). My entire life, I have been enveloped in the church. I am a very very strong believer, yet I am very weak in my faith, at times. I can admit my shortcomings with the best of them, but acting on that knowledge and fixing the problem…. well you get the idea.
So after much prayer this morning, and much coffee. I have realized that my tongue has been controlling me. Controlling my happiness and joy. Its my defense mechanism. I hide behind my humor, because I have that silly “Shame” thing that most women have. Not being enough, yet being too much at the same time.. Yep thats me. My tongue is my sword, and it needs to be laid aside.
Today I have made a promise to myself and to my savior. If I truly want to reach the lost, I have to first let Him reach inside me and change me, ALL of me. Not just the me that I am okay with Him seeing (You’d think after 30 years in a church, I would have learned that He already see’s that ugly side… and still loves it). It isnt a one time fix, but will be a continual effort to allow the things in my heart that have been aching and hurting for the past year or so. It is me finally laying it all down, and not expecting it to be gone the second it hits the alter (its gone to him, but my actions have to be changed in order for it to be truly gone). Its me taking responsibility while at the same time giving the control over. It will be a process, and I will probably fall short along the way many times. But every other time, it was a quick “Here ya go God, Im all better now right?”. I was not and am not “all better”.
I came across this today, while reading. It made me laugh, yet seriously think at the same time:
The Bible refers directly or indirectly to a wicked tongue, a deceitful tongue, a lying tongue, a perverse tongue, a filthy tongue, a corrupt tongue, a bitter tongue, an angry tongue, a crafty tongue, a flattering tongue, a slanderous tongue, a gossiping tongue, a back-biting tongue, a blaspheming tongue, a foolish tongue, a boasting tongue, a murmuring tongue, a complaining tongue, a cursing tongue, a contentious tongue, a sensual tongue, a vile tongue, a tale-bearing tongue, a whispering tongue, an exaggerating tongue, etc. Did you see yourself anywhere in there? No wonder God put your tongue in a cage behind your teeth, walled in by your mouth.
I want to be that person that I know I can be, without the bitterness and the anger. I want to find that women who had a passion for ministry, for people, and most of all a passion for her Father. Ive lost her along the way, and I desperately want her back.
He desperately wants me back.