I sometimes like to sit and watch other moms while we are out. Watch how they interact with their children, how they discipline, how they respond. It is different in our family because our youngest daughter is special needs, so I tend to soak up any advice I can get in regards to her. She is a 5 year old bundle of energy, but neurologically she is only 2. That makes life a bit trying at times for us.
I love her dearly, and wouldnt trade her for anything in the world- but sometimes I watch other moms and admittedly I am jealous. My two oldest children have missed out on so much because of the life we have lived since Emma’s birth. And that makes me sad. It makes me sad that my 9 year old has grown up so very fast, as has my 6 year old. Our family has adjusted remarkebley well, but still I wish it were different.
Today was our playgroup day. We went to Barnes and Noble for their reading time. It was typical situation where moms all sat around in a half circle, babies in their laps, older children by their sides. When the leader started reading a book- the childrens faces lit up with anticipation. Everyones except Emmas. I watched moms dancing around with their children, and 5 year olds mimicking the song and dance at the end. I was jealous. I long to have that type of relationship with my daughter. I long to have the connection and the interaction. We have come so far, but sometimes it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is miles away still.
After Barnes and Noble we headed to the local christian bookstore. That was a huge failure. Emma had a melt down as soon as we entered the doors. Her meltdowns are horrendous. High pitched, arched backed, leg stiffening tantrums. I feel like the entire world has a huge pinpointing Eye on me, and I cant escape their stare. There is no talking her thru it, there is no calming her down (she has the vocabulary of a 2 year old, and is just starting to put words together to form sentences) All you can do is hold her and hope it passes. Today it didnt pass.
There is no way to know what she is thinking, and there is no way to understand what sets her off. Its like licking your finger and putting your hand in the air…. it could go both ways.
I dont know, for some reason today I feel like a failure- I watched other moms and wished I could have what they had. I watched other children and wished that my little girl could find her way to where they were. I wondered what I should be doing that I am not.
I found myself getting angry and frustrated with my child, who knows no better and cant change what life has handed her.
I still have so far to go, and very little strength to go on.