Great Is His Faithfulness..
Out of the depths of desperation, rising from the ashes, arrives faith”
There have been times in my life where I wanted to walk away, everything seemed as if it were lost. Depression and desperation had entered my heart and I honestly didnt know how to find my way out of their grasp. I beckoned with God, I bargained with him on an almost daily basis- Yet I still felt as if it was all lost.
Depression has a way of wrapping its talons around your throat, while satan whispers lies in your ear. It steals your joy, it numbs your soul, it robs your family and friends of the person that they love and care about. It leaves you emtpy. I have suffered from depression for 5 years now. Ive always been leary to admit that, because for some time, it made me feel weak- and less of a chrsitian because “Christians should never feel hopeless”. Isnt it funny the lies that the enemy throws at us when we are down! If you read the bible cover to cover, you will see that there are many examples of people who felt that it was all lost. Psalms itself is a perfect example of crying out to the Lord. Listen to the sorrow in David as he cries out to God:
My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
Why so far from my call for help, from my cries of anguish?
My God, I call by day, but you do not answer;
by night, but I have no relief. -Psalms 22:2-3
Even in his darkest moments, he cried out to his God. Gods timing and our expectations are almost always on diffrent calendars. Davids love for his God was unmistakable, yet he too felt as if God had abandoned him. Why, if the bible shows so many examples of believers crying out, broken hearted (a better description would be depressed) do we feel as if we cant be just as honest and open with our hearts hurts? Why do we feel as if depression/sadness/weakness/ is equal to a lack of faith? If we never experience those feelings, we would have no reason to cry out to Christ- Our need for Him would be pretty much eliminated. Our lives would be content.
My struggles with depression are part of my makeup. They do not define me, but they are part of me. Just as my daughters illness’ do not define her, but they are part of her. God knew what he was doing when he put these aspects of my life together, He had a perfect plan. Now dont get me wrong, I am not saying that we should wollow in our heartache, but I am saying that it was placed in our lives for a reason… for His purpose.
Every step unforeseen by human eyes is a heavenly relationship you are developing with your Heavenly Father.
My family walks through our trials with the fortitude of a lion, but the heart of a lamb. I am open about where I am in my relationship with Christ because I am so very disgusted with the constant assumption that Christians should not ever show weakness.
He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Most gladly therefore I will rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest on me.
Therefore I take pleasure in weaknesses, in injuries, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake.
For when I am weak, then am I strong.
My weakness is honesty. He delights in our honesty. He longs for our honesty. He longs for a relationship that honors Him, and includes Him.
His love for me is all consuming. I read this while having my quiet time, and I wanted to share it with you. If you ever doubt your saviors presence in your life, or your current situations- write this down and tape it all over your house.
I deserved the cross, I didn’t expect forgiveness.
I deserved shame, I couldn’t believe His mercy and grace.
I deserved the vast wilderness, and was amazed at His tenderness.
I deserved my troubles, I found unfailing love.
I deserved shackles, and He released the chains.
Seek Him, with true honesty and openness - He loves to be sought after and you will find Him with arms open wide.
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Weight Lifting..
Today has been a weight lifting experience for me. Emma and I visited a school that she will most likely be attending (with the help of an attorney, if needed). I cant tell you the joy on my little girls face when she walked into the room. There were 4 other children, all autistic playing. Emma looked up at me and said “Emma go to school now, Bye bye”. And walked off without skipping a beat. My heart sank and soared at the same moment.
I loved the teachers there, they were so very intune with her needs. There was alot of one on one (2:1 teacher student ratio) and the therapists were amazing. I could have left her there and not had a second thought of how she would have been treated. It was a great feeling.
Tomorrow we have our Social Evaluation, Vision and Hearing tests, and Pscyhodevelopmental testing. I then have to do another visit to the school I am dead set against her going to, which I am not looking forward to doing. Next Thursday is her IEP/Placement meeting which I am more than prepared for. I dont think it will be an “us/them” scenerio, but preparation is paramount. I adore my parent liason, who has been a wonderful support.
I apologize for not updating regularly, things have been crazy here. Im really okay with the diagnosis now, as weird as that seems. I dont want Emma to go through life ashamed of who she is, or how God made her. I dont want her to feel as if she is different- I want her to have a life full of love and growth. I want her to experience everything there is for her. I want her opportunities and abilities to be embraced and nurtured. I want her to be the Emma God created her to be.
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