And then it hits you…

UPDATE: I have a doctors appointment today at 9:45 with my general doctor to discuss the results and to look at the scan, hopefully. Please keep us in your prayers today as we find out more- and thank you so much for your sweet sweet comments, I have read every one of them with tears streaming down my face. God is good. All the time.


Ive been up since about 3am- I have been sleeping on the couch since last Thursday because it is more comfortable than our bed for me right now. I’m glad that this morning I was alone, because I woke up sobbing. I watched my husband last night go through every imaginable emotion while making frantic phone calls- I had no emotional reaction, It seemed so bizarre hearing Mark tell our closest friends and family “Heather has a brain tumor”.

This morning, those emotions have come and I honestly don’t know what to do with them. I dont want to sit here and talk about all that our family has been through- how we dont deserve this-because I know, I honestly know that we are owed nothing. But at the same time- ITS NOT FREAKING FAIR!

I keep going over my symptoms- thinking about how the majority of them were very noticeable, yet very easily explained. Laura had noticed me slurring my words for the past 2 weeks. I have noticed not being able to pull words that I wanted to use, like I could see them but couldn’t get them out. The headaches- which I attributed to weaning myself off of my 23 cokes a day habit. The pressure behind my eyes- sinus’. The dizziness- inner ear infection. The irritability- stress and being overwhelmed. The tilting my head to the right. But when you put then all together and look at them as a group- its very apparent that I have had this going on for a bit…

The one thing that I couldn’t seem to figure out was the being tired. I have been so very tired.

I read up a bit last night about glioma’s, which honestly part of me wishes I hadn’t. I cant imagine having brain surgery- I just cant imagine that there is something growing in my head that could very easily cost me my life. I kept reading: survival rate- 3 years. It’s a weird place, knowing that tomorrow at 8:30am my life could change in ways I never thought possible.

Of course I keep asking the whys. Why now. Why this. Why us… again. Why do my children have to endure yet another situation that I cant protect them from. Why does my husbands heart have to be torn into pieces again. Why do my parents have to sit helplessly again knowing that their only child’s heart is breaking..

I keep trying to tell myself to not get worked up until tomorrow morning, when we have answers- but how do I do that? How do I walk these next 24 hours with this knowledge and no answers? How do I face my family, my children, my friends. How do I remain strong when all I want to do is curl up into a ball in the corner and have a long very angry talk with God about how much I am just done doing this.

I very likely have cancer. Me. Cancer. In my brain.

Why?

Edited so I will remember what happened:
I went in for my MRI yesterday, and was told that it was without contrast. I had to hold onto the wall to walk to the MRI room because the room kept spinning, which is a symptom I have been having since Friday. I laid down on the table and the MRI began. The tech came back in the room and said “We are going to add contrast now, because sometimes it will show inner ear fluid”. My first red flag went up. He inserted the IV and went through the next batch of the test. He then told me that the next segment would last about a minute and a half and then I would be done. After the segment was over, he told me that he needed to do one more that would last about 4 minutes. That is when I knew something was not right. After the MRI I went home and tried to deal with the school and the parking situation – my other line kept ringing, but I was in a deep conversation with the principal so I didnt check it, assuming it was someone calling to check on me after my MRI. It was the doctors office. I called back and was told the news.

At 8:30 I am going to call my doctor and see if I can atleast get in to see him regarding all of this- I dont want to walk in tomorrow completely out of the loop. Id like to see the report (usually has a differential, and also location and possible grade) and would also like to see a picture of the tumor. I am hoping that the doctor can walk me through some of the questions I have (like can we please for the love of all things holy make my world stop spinning?). Hopefully I can walk away feeling a bit better about it all- answers are always a good thing.

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Comments

  1. Father God

    We lift up Heather and her family to you asking for your comfort, your peace and especially your will to be done.
    We do not understand but you do. We do not know why but you do. Lord comfort this dear family as they cling to each other and to you. Lord, may they feel the prayers of the saints going out to you for them. May they know how many people are knocking at your door asking for help for them. Oh Lord we pray for hope, healing and restoration. Hear our prayers Lord. Hear our prayers. Amen

  2. I am praying for you, Heather!

  3. Heather,
    I don’t know what to say. You are right, it just isn’t fair. We know God has a plan for everything but sometimes it just doesn’t seem real does it? It doesn’t seem within our grasp to understand when we’re on this side of it.
    Anyway, like i said I don’t know what to say…that’s just what popped into my head…