UPDATE: I have a doctors appointment today at 9:45 with my general doctor to discuss the results and to look at the scan, hopefully. Please keep us in your prayers today as we find out more- and thank you so much for your sweet sweet comments, I have read every one of them with tears streaming down my face. God is good. All the time.
Ive been up since about 3am- I have been sleeping on the couch since last Thursday because it is more comfortable than our bed for me right now. I’m glad that this morning I was alone, because I woke up sobbing. I watched my husband last night go through every imaginable emotion while making frantic phone calls- I had no emotional reaction, It seemed so bizarre hearing Mark tell our closest friends and family “Heather has a brain tumor”.
This morning, those emotions have come and I honestly don’t know what to do with them. I dont want to sit here and talk about all that our family has been through- how we dont deserve this-because I know, I honestly know that we are owed nothing. But at the same time- ITS NOT FREAKING FAIR!
I keep going over my symptoms- thinking about how the majority of them were very noticeable, yet very easily explained. Laura had noticed me slurring my words for the past 2 weeks. I have noticed not being able to pull words that I wanted to use, like I could see them but couldn’t get them out. The headaches- which I attributed to weaning myself off of my 23 cokes a day habit. The pressure behind my eyes- sinus’. The dizziness- inner ear infection. The irritability- stress and being overwhelmed. The tilting my head to the right. But when you put then all together and look at them as a group- its very apparent that I have had this going on for a bit…
The one thing that I couldn’t seem to figure out was the being tired. I have been so very tired.
I read up a bit last night about glioma’s, which honestly part of me wishes I hadn’t. I cant imagine having brain surgery- I just cant imagine that there is something growing in my head that could very easily cost me my life. I kept reading: survival rate- 3 years. It’s a weird place, knowing that tomorrow at 8:30am my life could change in ways I never thought possible.
Of course I keep asking the whys. Why now. Why this. Why us… again. Why do my children have to endure yet another situation that I cant protect them from. Why does my husbands heart have to be torn into pieces again. Why do my parents have to sit helplessly again knowing that their only child’s heart is breaking..
I keep trying to tell myself to not get worked up until tomorrow morning, when we have answers- but how do I do that? How do I walk these next 24 hours with this knowledge and no answers? How do I face my family, my children, my friends. How do I remain strong when all I want to do is curl up into a ball in the corner and have a long very angry talk with God about how much I am just done doing this.
I very likely have cancer. Me. Cancer. In my brain.
Why?
Edited so I will remember what happened:
I went in for my MRI yesterday, and was told that it was without contrast. I had to hold onto the wall to walk to the MRI room because the room kept spinning, which is a symptom I have been having since Friday. I laid down on the table and the MRI began. The tech came back in the room and said “We are going to add contrast now, because sometimes it will show inner ear fluid”. My first red flag went up. He inserted the IV and went through the next batch of the test. He then told me that the next segment would last about a minute and a half and then I would be done. After the segment was over, he told me that he needed to do one more that would last about 4 minutes. That is when I knew something was not right. After the MRI I went home and tried to deal with the school and the parking situation – my other line kept ringing, but I was in a deep conversation with the principal so I didnt check it, assuming it was someone calling to check on me after my MRI. It was the doctors office. I called back and was told the news.
At 8:30 I am going to call my doctor and see if I can atleast get in to see him regarding all of this- I dont want to walk in tomorrow completely out of the loop. Id like to see the report (usually has a differential, and also location and possible grade) and would also like to see a picture of the tumor. I am hoping that the doctor can walk me through some of the questions I have (like can we please for the love of all things holy make my world stop spinning?). Hopefully I can walk away feeling a bit better about it all- answers are always a good thing.
I am shocked!!! I am praying!!!! HARD!!!
Dear Heather, pray hard, without ceasing, and rally all those wonderful troops you have around you to pray, too. Go to God. Be angry. Fight hard. Be with Jesus. He is feeling this as He wraps His arms around you. The whole thing does suck royally! But God is bigger than all that we see and know and if you keep your eyes and thoughts set on Him, you will have the privilege of being used in such mighty ways that that joy will far surpass any other experience. I will be praying for you, often.
Love,
Elisa
I just found out on the forum and am now praying for you dearest Heather.
I am praying for you and your family.
Heather-
I am praying for you and your family. Emma Grace is particularly on my heart. My experience is that children anywhere on the autism scale sense what is going on around them and internalize that even if they don’t understand it on an intellectual level. She might not be able to communicate what she feels but she might feel something inside that needs to be placed in God’s hands.
You should have that angry talk with God. He can handle it. Besides, He knows what is in your heart anyways.
Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help lighten your load. I would be happy to tak on more moderation of any of your sites, write mor articles, just let me know.
Your sister in Christ,
Jenny
I read your post after being referred from A Measure of Grace…
I don’t have any profound words but I did want to tell you I will be praying for you and your precious family.
Heather – I have been praying for you as you had your saga with the school system and now this latest turn of events in your life.
I know what it is like to “question” God and I personally think that it is OK to question and want answers – after all, didn’t they say “wise men still seek Him”? It’s when we stop seeking and stop turning to Him that we lose sight.
I pray that your hope will remain in God and you will experience a move from Him far greater than anything you have already seen in your lives. I pray that this will be used to only further the unbelievable testimony your family has!
Heather, I read your post after visiting Greek Roots in American soil. I am praying for you and your family. Don’t be afraid, God is with you and will get you and your family through this. All things are too his glory.
I am in tears over your situation and I am praying that God will hold your hand so tightly through all of this and you don’t lose sight of Him. I pray that you get all of your questions answered and can somehow find some peace. I pray for your husband and children. I can’t even imagine. I pray and pray and pray.
Heather,
I found your site through Wendy’s, “Showered with Grace”. While I do not know you, your blog has impacted me this morning. You are so close to my age. No guarantees, but I certainly would say that I take for granted the day-to-day life I’m given. Reading through your blog…it is evident that He sustains you and heaps grace, and mercy, and strength on you and your circumstances because I see His glory in all that you have been through…already.
You are in my prayers. Cling to Him.
Blessings,
Kim
Heather…thanks for the update, it helps us know how to pray specifically. I’m praying for total healing, for the dizziness to stop, and for God’s peace to cover your family. Call a babysitter and curl up and cry…it’s what you need!
Praying for you. Always.
Praying for you, Heather. And praying for your husband and your sweet darlings. I’ll have an angry talk with God this morning, too!
So sorry to hear your news. I have been through cancer with my young son. This I know: God WILL keep his promises. He WILL give you strength when you need it. You WILL learn so much about His grace and mercy.
I am praying for wisdom for your doctors.
Blessing to you and your family,
Tonja
Heather…I happened upon your website…somehow…and I know it was God leading me to pray for you and your family.
I have cried through most of your posts about Emma Grace and now you as you are preparing for a fight with an unseen tumor in your brain…I just want you to know I am praying for you…and that God will never leave you nor forsake you.
((((Heather and family))))
Heather,dear~
I am one of the nominees of the Homeschool Blog Awards, and that is how I found out about your tumor.
I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom and encouragement to share, but instead I’m just stunned.
Please know that I will be in prayer for you and your family during this very difficult time. I have posted a prayer request on my blog as well (hope that’s ok).
May God perform a mighty miracle in your life~ even this day!
Heidi
I have lurked here on more than one occasion but wanted to let you know I was here, praying for you and your family.
Still praying here. I woke up twice and prayed.
It’s not fair. It isn’t. You’re right. You have already done more than your share of doctors, hospitals, and tests.
But you KNOW He’s in control. You know He has a plan. May His peace pour out on you.
Sweet Jesus, I’ve come before you again and again and asked for healing for different people with different physical problems. This time, Lord, I have to admit that I’m really angry because it is so very WRONG that there would be a tumor in Heather’s brain after everything else her family has walked through and knows they will walk through with Emma. Heather needs a miracle, Lord. She’s asked before so many times for Emma and others – won’t you give it to her? Your Word says that you are Jehovah Rapha, the God who Heals. I boldly ask you to remove the tumor completely with no lasting effects. You say that when people gather in your name, you will show up. We can’t physically gather – and yet, there are already more than 12 responses on this post – won’t you act on Heather’s behalf. In Jesus’s precious name, Amen.
I thought about you all night long. Honestly, I was asking the same questions. Whey them? All I could think of was that verse that “he who is faithful in little is faithful in much.” And I thought of Job. And how God must see how much you have given Him the glory through your situation with Emma Grace. And how, of all us Christians who really claim to love and serve Him, you have really PROVEN yourself. And maybe he has some really really HARDHEADED people to reach through this. I don’t know. But I’m making a note to put in my car to remind me to pray tomorrow at 8:30. And I’ll pray as I think of you today, of course. God be with you, Heather. You are much braver than you feel.
I am devastated to read this and will mention you to the members of my local homeschooling group today so we can all pray for you.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Praying,
{{{{{{{{heather and family}}}}}}}},
Linda
I stumbled upon your blog via another blog that I read often. I will be praying for you. I *think* we may have served together on GCM many years ago. I remember Emma’s story. My (((hugs))) and prayers are with you.
Heather,
Words on my computer screen just don’t seem to be enough. I have read your blog occasionally over the last six months and you are right, “it just doesn’t seem fair.
I am praying, praying, praying that God will carry you through this time. I wish I could give more words of comfort to you and your family. But just know we are praying for you.
Chris @ Cometothetable.blogspot.com
Heather, I’ve just read this, I was linked to you through BooMama’s blog. I want you to know that I will be praying for you. What Cancer Cannot Do: Cancer is so limited.
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot invade the soul.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the spirit.
God Bless You!
Heather,
I am so sorry you are facing this. You and your family are in my prayers. Hold fast to the Lord ….
Hi Heather – I am in just utter shock. I know you are thinking – duh, you? I am sorry and will be praying. I want to remind you to go listen to the Held song on your blog. Oh sweet friend, He has not let go. He has you close and will not ever let go or any of your fmaily. You are amazingly sucessful on the blog world with tons of praying woemn and rest in that. We are lifting you up and will not stop. My dear friend, even though we have never met or even hugged, i love you!
Please keep us posted or tell Laura to post for you if need be. love U!!!
Heather…
I went to bed last night praying for you. Trying to digest what it all means. We have dealt with much cancer in loved ones this past year and hearing a young mom and sister in Christ receive this diagnoses breaks my heart.
I so wish I had answers for you that would make it all better. All I can do is go to the one that does. I know He is SO ok with your anger and frustration, your fears and heartbreak. He is the only one strong enough to take it all. Better to have someone to be angry at that believing there is no purpose in life at all.
When you are too weak to pray God will sent an army of saints to hold up your arms and pray. You are loved and held dear by the one who ordained every day of your life. Every day of your children’s lives. He will carry them through this. God is not shaken by this tumor but He is moved by your tears.
Praying…praying…praying Heather. For you and your husband. For your children…praying…
Heather,
Please know that I am praying for you. I will be praying for you every single day. I wish I knew what else to say. Please, please know that I am praying.
Heather,
This is just terrible and do totally unfair. No question. Cry, scream, yell, get angry and don’t be afraid to stay there for awhile.
You will get through this. I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time and feel like I know you personally. You have an incredible outlook…you know why we’re here and who we serve. You have touched my life and who knows how many countless other lives.
You ask “How?” But you know how. Remember Him. He will hold your hand during your tests and trials and He will carry you when your are weary. He will give you strength when you feel
weak. He will bring comfort to you and yours.
I will continue to pray for you, for your family, for your friends, and for peace within.
Jennifer
Wow, Heather, I am completely shocked. I’ll be praying for you. I just can’t believe, of all people, that this is happening to you. I know it must be hard to hold on to the fact that this is all part of God’s greatest plan, but it is. You and your family will most definitely be in my thoughts and prayers.
I don’t even know what to say other than I am lifting you up in prayer. Praying specifically for all that you asked for and more.
Blessings~
I have been sitting here for hours after just finding your blog through another mom’s blog, reading your posts about this recent diagnosis of the brain tumor and then reading Emma’s story.
I have been crying through both stories. As a mom to six kids, I can understand the paralyzing fear of not being there for your children, but there is a common thread through your life’s story that God is taking care of Emma and I do believe that He will take care of you through what has come to pass with you.
There is always a reason for things happening, sometimes we don’t see it until years later, but there must be a reason for this too. Just like you didn’t know if Emma would ever make it out of the womb and she made it through trials time and time again, please remember that and don’t get down in the depths of discouragement and fear.
No amount of comments or words can do what Jesus can do as he walks with you through these scary valleys and holds on to you.
I will be praying for you and your husband and family. Just keep remembering, doctors don’t know everything, but God does.
Heather,
I read your blog from time to time, but have never commented. I don’t know you, but my eyes are filled with tears as I read your recent posts. My heart breaks for you. My best friend and my father have both suffered from brain cancer so I can related to the fears that you and those close to you are facing. Just remember He is in control. I will definitely be praying for you.
Kimba from Texas
I’ll definitely be praying for you and your family.
Heather, Praying for you and your family. I don’t know what you are feeling, but I understand what your husband is. My husband had malignant melanoma stage 2 in Feb. 2005. It’s hard not to ask the why’s, even harder to accept the fact you will never know why. Our God is an awesome God. Just believe. Praying that God delivers you the strength you (& your family) need for whatever is headed your direction.
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I pray that God will pull you through this, in His own special way that He has for you. God’s blessings, Shana
Dear Heather,
Please know that we are all praying…we are storming the gates of Heaven on your behalf. May God use this medical crisis as a witness to his faithfulness, his grace, his mercy, his love!
I am so glad that you have a Doctor’s appt. today–knowledge is power–even as we seek His resurrection power for your complete and miraculous healing.
We’re praying friend!
Diane
Heather,
Please know that I am praying for you! Im praying for the Drs. to have all the answers to you questions, and able to treat this tumor 100%. Im pray for your family and your friends.
You know we will continue to pray, I was talking to my dad last night, they are waiting to hear the results of his biopsy from the tumor in his Thyroid. And they are praying for you as well! Love you tons
I pray God would pour His Peace over you and your family! Praying for you this morning at your Dr appointment…
Just remember that God is going through this with you. He won’t leave you alone. And remember, too, that he custom-designed you and your sweet family to go through this experience. He is not surprised by this and he built you all to thrive through this – He won’t let you, your hubby or your kids go through any of this by yourselves. Hang in there! We are praying for you.
Oh Heather…I will be thinking of you and your family constantly, and if there is anything I can do, please let me know.
Peace and Love,
Karen
xoxo
Somebody told me one time that it’s okay to get mad at God because HE CAN HANDLE IT. I don’t think it’s a matter of whether or not you trust Him – but we’re human, you know? And we get ticked off. And sometimes we just need to clear the air – even with God.
So. Anyway. Know that you are in my prayers and constantly on my mind. And what Amanda posted in your comments last night about Psalm 91? That is my prayer for you. Over and over again.
Love you!
Heather – I came to your site from a link at 5 Minutes for Moms. Please know that our family will be praying for you and yours. Your site opened my eyes, touched my heart and raised questions of my own. May the Lord be with you at this time, may He give you peace only He can give. May He touch you with His healing hands. May you feel all the love and encouragement from those who love you and are praying for you.
Heather
There are no words that can express how sorry I am for you, Mark, your parents and your children. If there is anything I can do – you know you can call me. I have everyone I know praying for you. No one deserves this and neither do you. Take care, my friend!
Praying for you Heather
We’ve never met, but who cares.. we are sisters in Christ. Please know that you are in my prayers and so is your family.
May God be your strength, your shield, your protector, and your guide through all of this.
With much love
Mikki
Keeping you in my prayers…
Heather,
I just wanted to let you know that our family has you in its thoughts. I know that cancer is a scary word but I’m still here (and healthy)today after a very serious cancer diagnosis six years ago:)
Bright blessings to you and yours!
Kimmy
Heather,
I am praying for you right now as you are in your doctor’s appointment. I pray that God is holding you up, and that your heart is filled with peace. I pray for wisdom and clarity from the doctor, and that you will get the answers that you need. Most of all, I pray for a supernatural healing touch from our Father.
You are in my heart and prayers, dear sister.