UPDATE: I have a doctors appointment today at 9:45 with my general doctor to discuss the results and to look at the scan, hopefully. Please keep us in your prayers today as we find out more- and thank you so much for your sweet sweet comments, I have read every one of them with tears streaming down my face. God is good. All the time.
Ive been up since about 3am- I have been sleeping on the couch since last Thursday because it is more comfortable than our bed for me right now. I’m glad that this morning I was alone, because I woke up sobbing. I watched my husband last night go through every imaginable emotion while making frantic phone calls- I had no emotional reaction, It seemed so bizarre hearing Mark tell our closest friends and family “Heather has a brain tumor”.
This morning, those emotions have come and I honestly don’t know what to do with them. I dont want to sit here and talk about all that our family has been through- how we dont deserve this-because I know, I honestly know that we are owed nothing. But at the same time- ITS NOT FREAKING FAIR!
I keep going over my symptoms- thinking about how the majority of them were very noticeable, yet very easily explained. Laura had noticed me slurring my words for the past 2 weeks. I have noticed not being able to pull words that I wanted to use, like I could see them but couldn’t get them out. The headaches- which I attributed to weaning myself off of my 23 cokes a day habit. The pressure behind my eyes- sinus’. The dizziness- inner ear infection. The irritability- stress and being overwhelmed. The tilting my head to the right. But when you put then all together and look at them as a group- its very apparent that I have had this going on for a bit…
The one thing that I couldn’t seem to figure out was the being tired. I have been so very tired.
I read up a bit last night about glioma’s, which honestly part of me wishes I hadn’t. I cant imagine having brain surgery- I just cant imagine that there is something growing in my head that could very easily cost me my life. I kept reading: survival rate- 3 years. It’s a weird place, knowing that tomorrow at 8:30am my life could change in ways I never thought possible.
Of course I keep asking the whys. Why now. Why this. Why us… again. Why do my children have to endure yet another situation that I cant protect them from. Why does my husbands heart have to be torn into pieces again. Why do my parents have to sit helplessly again knowing that their only child’s heart is breaking..
I keep trying to tell myself to not get worked up until tomorrow morning, when we have answers- but how do I do that? How do I walk these next 24 hours with this knowledge and no answers? How do I face my family, my children, my friends. How do I remain strong when all I want to do is curl up into a ball in the corner and have a long very angry talk with God about how much I am just done doing this.
I very likely have cancer. Me. Cancer. In my brain.
Why?
Edited so I will remember what happened:
I went in for my MRI yesterday, and was told that it was without contrast. I had to hold onto the wall to walk to the MRI room because the room kept spinning, which is a symptom I have been having since Friday. I laid down on the table and the MRI began. The tech came back in the room and said “We are going to add contrast now, because sometimes it will show inner ear fluid”. My first red flag went up. He inserted the IV and went through the next batch of the test. He then told me that the next segment would last about a minute and a half and then I would be done. After the segment was over, he told me that he needed to do one more that would last about 4 minutes. That is when I knew something was not right. After the MRI I went home and tried to deal with the school and the parking situation – my other line kept ringing, but I was in a deep conversation with the principal so I didnt check it, assuming it was someone calling to check on me after my MRI. It was the doctors office. I called back and was told the news.
At 8:30 I am going to call my doctor and see if I can atleast get in to see him regarding all of this- I dont want to walk in tomorrow completely out of the loop. Id like to see the report (usually has a differential, and also location and possible grade) and would also like to see a picture of the tumor. I am hoping that the doctor can walk me through some of the questions I have (like can we please for the love of all things holy make my world stop spinning?). Hopefully I can walk away feeling a bit better about it all- answers are always a good thing.
I’m praying for you sweet Heather. God is going to make a miracle out of you- you must believe. You will be in my daily prayers until you are all recovered. Also praying for your family. Sending you so many hugs via the internet.
Diane
I fell asleep last night praying for you and for Kelli (kidney transplant hopeful) and woke up with you on my heart again. It’s almost time for your doctor appointment, and I want you to know I’m praying for some answers and a measure of unexplainable, comforting peace from God. Thanks for updating us.
I will also be praying for you Heather.. there is a Jewish prayer that I will be saying for you called
Mi Sheberach:
May the One who blessed our ancestors, Sarah and Abraham, Rebecca and Isaac, Leah, Rachel and Jacob bless Heather along with all of the ill among us. Grant insight to those who bring healing, courage and faith to those who are sick, love and strength to us and to all who love them. God, let your spirit rest upon all who are ill and comfort them. May they and we soon know a time of complete healing, a healing of the body and a healing of the spirit and let us say: Amen.
for other healing prayers see
http://www.jewishealing.com/healingprayer.html
I will be praying for you! I pray that God heals your body and gives comfort to your mind and spirit.
Lynn
Heather, I am in tears for you and your family. Please know that I will be praying without ceasing for answers, you, Mark, and your family. Judging by the comments, you are covered in a very large prayer blanket.
Dear Heather,
I found your site from 5 minutes for mom. I am in tears for you and your family. Please know my family will be praying for you.
Many blessings to you,
Angel
My prayers are with you guys!
I have you on every prayer list I can think of. I am praying so hard for you. I know one of my old doctors (actually he is my age) had a brain tumor and he recovered nicely and is back practicing and I just pray the same for you – even better. That God just miraculously heal you in Jesus’ name!
You are so precious! Hugs!
Dear Heather, I too just found out from the forum and I immediately came over to your site to offer my prayers for you at this most important time, prayers for you and your family that you all remain strong and focused.
May I offer this prayer to you:
COME HOLY DOVE
“When I feel alone Your Presence is ever with me.
Come Holy Dove, cover with love.
When I feel weak your strength wil seek me.
Come Holy Dove, cover with love.
Spirit be about my head,
Spirit peace around me shed,
Spirit light about my way,
Spirit guardian night and day.
Come Holy Dove,
Cover with Love”.
By David Adam.
May this prayer bring comfort at this time.
Peter
Heather, You will most certainly be in my prayers. God bless you today…
Heather…I can’t imagine what you’re going through. You of all people don’t deserve this to happen. I am praying for a complete healing. Please call me when the dust settles so I can pray with you on the phone. To God I say, why? why? and “though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm”.
You know I love you…
Oh, Heather. I am really praying for you right now. Yesterday, my small group was studying Beth Moore’s Patriarchs study of Genesis. We were discussing Joseph and how God used all the things that seemed so terrible to achieve the end He had in mind. Know that God loves your hubby and your children even more than you do. He will not allow anything that He cannot ultimately use for His glory. Hang in there, Sister. Praying….
Hey sweetie. It’s me again. I just wanted you to know that an entire section of my prayer journal was dedicated to you this morning. I wake up and go to sleep thinking about you and it brings tears to my eyes to think of your poor family having to go through yet another medical trauma. I’m praying God will give you peace, strength, and wisdom… and that he makes your world stop spinning!
One thing I wanted to tell you to help you understand that this is not the end of the world: I know three people who have had brain tumors. Let me tell you their stories so you will be able to face this with new courage.
1. My dad. Pituitary tumor. They couldn’t even biopsy it because if they did, it might blind him. They gave him tumor shrinking meds and told him to change his diet and start exercising. He did. The tumor shrank. He has been taking the meds for over 10 years now and is over 60. He looks healthier than he has in years. He eats healthier. I promise that getting off the cokes is a good thing. Maybe you should get the book: “What Would Jesus Eat” or “The Maker’s Diet”.
I got this in an email not long ago about caffiene and its effects: “The latest studies don’t indicate a link between caffeine consumption and higher risks of cancer or cardiovascular diseases.”
I’ll follow up with story 2 and 3 next…
I’ve been praying, but I’ve not commented to let you know that God has been swamped with prayers from those who have you on their minds and hearts. Trust, Heather. Just hold firm to his promise that He is in control.
Heather, I just heard the news. Sorry to be behind the times.
Please know that I’m offering up prayers for you now and until you tell me to stop!
We’re all pulling for you here in Blogland!
Heather I came across your blog through Elizabeth Foss’ and be assured that you are in my prayers too.
Brain Tumor #2:
My best friend’s son. He had an accident – a heavy finial fell on his head as he stood under a window. It caused an indention and the doctors thought he would die. After they xrayed him, they were going to do surgery, but instead found a HUGE tumor in his head. Amazingly (miracle), the xray didn’t show the indention from the accident anymore – only the tumor. After surgery, he is now 4 or 5 years older and doing fine. He’s 12 now.
Brain Tumor #3:
My husband’s aunt. They told her she had a cancerous brain tumor. She laughed at them and told them that it couldn’t be true – that Jesus was going to heal her and she would be fine. They gave her one year to live. She prayed about it and went to Jerusalem on a holy land tour anyway (against doctor’s advice). She had her huge baptist church praying for her. The next time she went in to the doctor, they could not find the tumor.
If you want to talk to her… I can get you in touch with her. She will pray for you and is sooooo encouraging. I love her a lot. Let me know and I’ll call her for you.
Heather, My prayers will be with you! I went through Ovarian Cancer in Dec. ’05. Here I am sixteen months later and I’m doing great. The Lord has healed me completely. What the Lord has done for me, He CAN do for you! :0) After my cancer I created a pamphlet “Standing on the Promises” that is full of Scripture on God’s Promises on healing. A link to this pamphlet is on my blog, in the ride side bar, under the heading “Sharon’s Ovarian Cancer Testimony”. If you’d like to talk, I’m more than willing. Otherwise, know you will have my prayers!
Just praying and praying.
Dear Heather-
The one thing I know is that writing will help you through. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, and in the thoughts and prayers of so many more than you’ll ever know. Your writing will help you sort through everything, and it will help all of us know how to best lift you up.
‘The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.’ [Deuteronomy 33:27]
I am linking to you and praying for you and your family.
May you have peace,
Keri
I’m new to your blog, I saw several links to you today. Praying for you and your family, Heather.
Heather, here are some verses that I’ve clung to in health-oriented situations, maybe they will bless you:
Heal me O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. Jer 17:14
Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him. Psalm 37:4-7a
Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here I am. Isaiah 58:8,9
This is the confidence we have in approaching God- that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us- whatever we ask- we know that we have what we asked of him. I John 5:14-15
“And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name and I will do it.” John 14:13,14
“…Do you believe that I am able to do this?” “Yes, Lord,” they replied. Then he touched their eyes and said, “According to your faith it will be done to you.” Matthew 9:28, 29
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him… Lam 3:21-25
I just spent the last 30 minutes reading about you, Emma, your faith, etc. I am amazed at what you have been through. I am praying for healing, for the doctors, for your husband and children, family and friends. I will keep checking back, and I will help carry your mat to the Lord (Luke 5:18) Praying for you this minute, Heather.
Cindy
Heather,
I’m not sure I’ve commented before, but I read your blog occasionally and am often amazed at your perseverence and positive attitude in dealing with all that God has given you.
Please know that I am praying for you and your family.
I’m dealing with some of my own issues right now and dh and I have been at odds over nothing lately and he left for a meeting mad at me today.Frankly – I am sick of it. I just went into my room crying out to God that all I wanted to do is just RUN. Run fast, Run far and get away from all of the turmoil. I begged Him to give me something. Anything.
All that came rushing through my mind was STAND. The opposite of running – STAND!!!
So I stood – I screamed at the enemy and told him to back off and leave me and my family alone. I asked God to stand between me and the lies of satan and to keep me standing and don’t let me run away (even in my mind).
Immediately peace flooded over me. The tears are still coming, but the turmoil in my mind has subsided.
I say all of that to say this: STAND and let the power of God’s loving, gentle arms hold you up when you have not one bit of strength left in yourself. Let God do the work of resisting the enemy. Enjoy the peace of God.
(sorry for the length -guess I got carried away)
There are no words… but I can pray, and I am, and will continue.
*tearfully, and with hope*
I’ve had angry questions, talks with God over this one too, and I can see I’m obviously not the only one. I will be continually praying for you and your whole family. I so wish I could give you all a hug.
Heather, I just want to grab you and hold on tight. Words are so inadequate at this moment and though we’ve never met face to face, you are a sister in Christ and a friend…my heart hurts for you. My prayers for you and your family are as you have requested. And I pray for you a place of peace in this turmoil.
I came to your blog after reading Janice’s blog at 5minutesformom.com. My heart goes out to you. I have said a prayer for you, your family and your friends. You will be in my thoughts.
I’m here via the Homeschool Blog Awards. Prayers are being sent up for you now.
I am amazed that even in the midst of this storm, you are still praising God. Oh that I would have your faith to say. “God is good. All the time” That so sums it up. Of course there is fear, and legitimate issues, but as you have said so many times, You and your family are squarely in the palm of God’s hand.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Blessings
Heather-
I came upon your site last night as I was reading BooMama. You’ve been on my heart and mind and in my prayers ever since. May God comfort you in this time and strengthen you for whatever lies ahead.
Melissa
I am crying reading all your comments. I know I’ve commented a few times already. Spirittbee posted some miracles to encourage you. My dad was healed of cancer after a tumor broke thru his colon. Here’s his story to encourage you, if you have the time: http://nohighlikethemosthigh.blogspot.com/2006/04/dear-friends-and-family-this-is-kind.html
I had to stop by after seeing the many prayer requests across the blogosphere. Please know that you and your family will be in my prayers whenever I am prompted. I believe in miracles and will focus on your earthly healing! May your strength be renewed daily as you rest in His peace and arms of love.
I was referred to your blog by Everyday Mommy. Wanted you to know I am saying prayers for you and your family as you wade through this trial!
Jenny from Indiana
Heather, I will be praying for you and your family. May you all find refuge in Him.
Praying for you. Until you tell me to stop.
I heard this sad news from Elizabeth at Real Learning. I am so, so sorry. I have begun praying. +++
Prayed for you and your family
Praying
I found my way over here by way of the Rebelution…and just wanted to tell you that I, also, am praying for you and yours.
Heather, I am so sorry that you have yet another trial to go through in your life! I have been reading about Emma Grace for some time now and also have been on “Moms of Grace” and know that you are a moderator there. You are a woman of God and God is the Great Physician! The devil sends many things our way to test us and you have the faith and the strength to get through whatever is put before you in this life! I admire your strength and can’t imagine how you, your husband the rest of your family is suffering now – with worry and with “not knowing” what may come! My prayers are with you and your family and I will be lifting you before God in prayer and believing that God will work his healing power and free you from this thing trying to lay claim in your body. You have been inspirational to me in the way you have shown your faith in God in everything you’ve had to deal with Emma Grace and I believe that your faith will get you through!
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles.” II Corinthians 1:3,4
I am in shock still. I can’t stop thinking about you and your family. It isn’t fair at all!!!!!!!!!!!
Praying like crazy….
You don’t know me, but I just stumbled upon your page through another blog and just wanted to let you know that I’m praying for you.
My prayers are with you and your family. I stumbled across your blog page and just phoned a friend who has gone through dealing with a brain tumour. I have passed on your blog page to her in hopes of her experience helping you. She has gone threw radiation and chemo, even brain surgery. A positive christian woman. I hope her courage and love for the lord will also help you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with your family.
God bless
Dawn
Heather, you are in my prayers!
Heather,
Prayers are coming your way. You do not know me but I found your blog via Everyday Mommy and BooMama. . .and will be praying for you. I read and cried through Emma’s story last week when I read it. As a Mom, I know nad understand what is going through your heart and mind right now. Remember God is the Great Physician and will deliver you. My small group last night was talking about MIRACLES. I believe in MIRACLES and will pray that God’s angels will surround you and your family with their wings and comfort you. Will pray especially at 8:30 a.m. tomorrow. . .
A Sister in Christ
Heather, I am so sorry. It seems like just yesterday that I contacted you about adding my nephew to the “prayers for our kids” for his brain tumor. Thomas, a year after being diagnosed, miraculously doing the very best that could be expected. Prayers for his miracle were answered. We will pray for your miracle of healing. God bless.
http://www.thomasbickle.blogspot.com
Heather, I clicked over from Everyday Mommy. I can’t imagine being in your situation, and will pray. Draw close to the Lord, underneath are the everlasting arms–arms that hold you in this world and the next.
I got here via Plain Jane Mom. I am so sorry. You and your family are in my thought and prayers.
I want to be angry. This makes no earthly sense. I am praying mightily for all of you.