Its 6:48 am

I am about to jump in the shower and get ready for my doctor filled day. I had my quiet time this morning and read something that I want to put on here so I can look back to it in the days to come, and so it can hopefully touch someone out there. (later in the post)

Yesterday my post was full of strength, and while that strength is still very much in my spirit- moments like this morning I really get sad thinking about this thing growing in my head (she needs a name). I think about everything it threatens to take from me. I think about the location is it is sitting, silently waiting to destroy my speech and my cognitive thinking. I think about the future, a future I so desperately want to have with my family and my children. While driving to Dr. Cassidy’s (neurosurgeon) yesterday, I was looking out the window trying to find things that I hadn’t paid much attention to before. Its really earth shattering to know that it can all be taken away from you in a blink of an eye. I told Mark last night that it just seems so different than when we were told Emma was going to die- I seem so much more removed from it at times than I was then. He was pretty smart in his answer- he said its because this time it is Me. This time I am the one who feels helpless, because this time I am the one who needs the advocate and the support. He said that for him, the feelings are exactly the same as they were with Emma’s diagnosis, sometimes even stronger because I am his wife- the mother of his children- he has struggled so much with the thought of raising 3 children (well 27 if you think of all Emma’s precious little body entails) alone.

Ive struggled with this too. The thought of being taken from this earth before my children has caused me to raise my hands in the air and scream (trust me, ask the neighbors). Mark and I laughed yesterday- we’ve laughed alot about this amidst the tears- He always looks at me, takes my hand and says “What are the odds”. What are the odds that a family would have a child with an extremely rare heart defect (60 in the world) who would survive a severe mitochondrial myopathy, require a heart transplant and be diagnosed with autism- oh, and her mom has an inoperable brain tumor. What are the odds? I laughed and said “We better get a pretty big house out of this ordeal!” I know we have been through more than the average person- I also know that our steps were planned long before there was time. I don’t believe in Karma- there, I said it. My God is bigger than that. Anyone who could think that a mother deserves a brain tumor and a child deserves what Emma Grace has been through is very sick and has no place in my life. Satan uses tools for harm- you will not harm me. You will not steal my joy. You will not take from me what small amount of Peace I have in such a horrible horrible situation. You will not.

I have traveled many emotions the last 2 days. Joy, fear, anger, regret, and I will travel them all about 300 more times before this is over. I know that. When I read the following this morning, I sat on my couch and thought “You are so good God, you are so very good”.

Crossing Over Our Jordons River

We dont know when God will get us over the river. We don’t know how God will dry the riverbed and allow us to cross. But we do know, by faith, that he will act on our behalf. And while we wait, we remember.

We remmeber our Red Seas, the places where God has parted the waters for us, the impossible places where God came through and the Enemy was defeated

We remember who brought us through.

We remember whose we are. We belong to Christ!

We remember that God’s delays are not delays of inactivity, but of preparation. He delays, but he does not deny. While we wait He prepares us for His answer according to His perfect, preordained plan.

We remember and link up with like-minded, stronger people who are going in the same direction. We cant afford to attempt the waters of Jordan alone.

We remember to tell our children, and our children’s children that they may see the mighty hand of God and take courage for the rivers they will have to cross. They piggyback on our faith when we share the stories of God’s mighty acts in our lives.

We remember to offer encouragement for our friends who walk beside us along the way.

(Stones of Rememberence)

Today, Again. I remember I am not alone.

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  1. Just wanted to let you know I am praying for you.


  2. I am praying for you today. The things we don’t understand He knows full well.

  3. The people that say “It is unconfessed sin…” They do not know the Cross is enough.They do not know when Jesus said “It is finished” it was. They do not know All things Work together for good to those who love the Lord and are called…” They do not know you are called.

    I am not forgiven because of the sins I have remembered to confess, I am forgiven because the shed blood of Christ flowed over this sinner’s life.

    Oh by the way, these are the same people that will say you can’t shake your fist at God. Shake all you need to, yell all you care too, He knows your heart, keep nothing back. But always remember to come back to You are God and I will praise You . You are God and I will ezalt you. He has really BIG shoulders He can take it and He can take care of you as well.He will take care of you, It is His promise to never leave you and never forsake you.

    Praying for Peace in the Process.
    Because of Jesus, Bobbie

  4. You will be on my heart and mind constantly. I will keep you and your precious family lifted up before the Great Savior, Healer, Comforter, Lover.

  5. Heather I know you understand my meaning when I write:

    You are correct. SHE WILL NOT. We won’t allow it. We are here for you. I know you can feel our love. That love will form a circle of protection around you.


    Her pleas for attention, her claims of injustice will be left unanswered, empty and ignored.

    I am forever stunned at the cruelty that some hearts hold.

    Still praying. We love you. We are here.

  6. Just came across your story while voting for homeschool blogs. I am praying for you and your family. May you continue to find strength during this difficult time…

  7. There you go again. I am amazing. In the midst of this horrible attack on your family, your first thougth is GOd is good. That inspires me in ways that I can never address.

    I think of the verse (paraphrased as I don’t have the handle withe me) … what the enemy means for death and destruction, God means for good.

    I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.



  8. oops. I mean I am amazed. forgive my typos.

  9. Praying through tears. So blown away by all you’ve been through and know with your attitude and our Father you will fight through all of this.

    In Him,

  10. Heather, I found your site yesterday 5 minutes before you were to be at the doctor’s office…I immediately started praying for you! The way I found your site…it HAD to be God!! I am praying for you on a regular basis. My DH was diagnowed with prostate cancer in March and it was extensive, and had spread out of the prostate capsule. His PSA has started to rise, post surgery and he will most likely have to undergo radiation. His brother (actually 2 of them, also had it). You go through the stages but with God it is SO defferent than I imagine it would be without Him. Are we sad? Not really. We are loving God and trusting in what He has for us. We look at EVERYTHING so differently and we are truly taking time to enjoy life together and with our family.(My DH is 55 and we have 5 children, the youngest is 14 and still at home)

    When he was diagnosed I immersed myself in God’s word. I walked around in a daze with an ipod listening to sermons,Christian songs (I LOVE “Held”) and the Bible on it… within a week I was totally through with the “stages” and rejocing that God was totally in control and whatever He wanted, we wanted. The peace was unbeleiveable and it continues! I am praying for you today, but do not waste a minute in worry. This too shall pass!! (Don’t you dare name won’t be here that long and certainly doesn’t deserve a name!!!)
    Love in Our Sweet Lord Jesus who holds you in His hands, Viv

  11. Heather,
    Just checking on you and sending prayers up for you in the name of Jesus.

    I had a co-worker when I was a nurse who also was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. Her name was Debbie and they discovered it at the end of her first pregnancy. They had to do the workup after her daughter was born, when they confirmed the tumor. That was in 1997. My dad had a heart attack two years ago and recovered on my former cardiac floor at the hospital. I was overjoyed to see Debbie there, still working, still taking each day from God as a gift just as we all should do.
    Her daughter would have been 8yo by then, which made me smile and cry at the same time.

    Our God is good and nothing that we face in this life catches Him by surprise. I know that is much easier for me to say than for you to FEEL right now. I think that’s partially why it is so crucial for us to share one another’s burdens. We’re all here to pray you through the road ahead. So many are praying, Heather. Remember that in the most difficult moments.

  12. I woke up this morning thinking about and praying for you and your family. Your laughter and strength in the midst of all of this is an inspiration.

    I’m continuing to lift you up in prayer.

  13. you are truly one amazing woman.

  14. Thinking of you today.

    This post mentions for the second time that some people might think that you deserve this or that it is Karma or something….

    Who in their right mind believes in that? I would hope that nobody has said anything along those lines to you. I can’t imagine that anyone would.

    Everyone is rooting for you, praying for you and thinking about you. I honestly don’t believe that anyone out there is thinking that your family is getting some kind of payback. That thought is ridiculous.

    You have much love and support.


  15. Sweetie… Rather than name your tumor… speak to it!!! Make it very clear that… It will never shatter the relationship you have with the Lord… but rather strengthen it!!! It may be ever present… but the Lord’s presence is greater and He is in FULL CONTROL OF YOUR JOURNEY !!!

    Just as Job… The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.” You see we are reminded that the enemy wants to kill, steal, and destroy our very existence. However, God has yet another blessed plan for our lives far beyond our ability to imagine!!!! The story of Job is one that reminds us of who really is in control of our lives from beginning to end and honestly reminds Satan of who is truly in control of His future!!!!!!!

    The emotions your facing today are emotions that will carry you through!!! Never feel as though your wrong for feeling such things… it’s what reminds us of who we are and who we need… Thank You Jesus!!!!!! God knows your heart… He is right there with you… EVERY STEP OF THE WAY!!!

    Thank You Heavenly Father for our Sister Heather. May you bless her and her precious family. May they feel your presence even in the midst of the most quiet moments. Thank you God for bringing together so many to comfort and stand together in agreement for Heather!!

    **Lots of Sisterly Hugs**


  16. I don’t believe in Karma either! Thanks for being so open and honest and allowing us to take this painful journey with you. I love you.

  17. My family is praying for you!! Anytime you are feeling alone just remember us all here thinking about you!!

  18. I am new to your blog – and wow, what a day to stop by. How inspiring you are.
    Bless you sweet lady. I am so glad that all is well with your soul!
    Frannie Farmer

  19. Still praying and knowing that God is in control. And snaps to you for knowing who’s got your back. Satan just back down because God is IN THE HOUSE!

  20. **sigh** I just thought blogging was fun…a way to express myself…and then I read your blog, Heather, and I see it as so much more. God is using the simpleness of a blog to connect women of faith all across the globe, in a hedge of prayer, for women like you. I cannot even begin to imagine your life, but my heart aches for you. Lord, pour out Your storehouse of blessing on Heather and her precious family today. Let every step they take be saturated in Your presence. Let Your love so flood them that they drip it on everyone they come in contact with today. I know Heather’s faith is strong…You’ve tested it time and time again. I know You won’t waste a single drop of her suffering…that You will gain great glory from all she and her family goes through…But, Lord, how I so wish she suffered no more. I pray for healing. I pray for strength. I pray for laughter in abundance. I pray for lengthened life. I pray for a quality of life that puts tumors and illness to shame. I pray for surprise blessings along her path. I pray for finances to abound. I pray for courage from You…give her the heart of a lion in this battle. I pray for miracles that take our breath away. I pray above all that Your will be fulfilled in her life. I pray that you give this precious family eyes to see You in ways we only long to see. I pray for her husband, and for his grieving heart…for any fear, anxiety, longing he has…Meet it, dear Lord, in Your abundant provision. We all need to remember to number our days and to redeem the time…thank You for Heather’s example to me as a woman of God. Forgive my simple whining about my troubles. Make me mindful of others and their needs…Lord, please…bless my sweet sister today. We need a miracle, Lord…In Jesus’ name…amen.

  21. Heather,

    Please know I am praying along with all the others! Just continue to stand on God’s powerful word, because it will never pass away. The heavens and earth are going to pass away, but NOT God’s word, which is His will.

    PLEASE DO NOT name that thing in your head. That will only give it permission to stay!

  22. Heather- I’m learning to allow the emotions to come and be heard, but not over take me too much. They do, though. And yes, the guys really got the short end on “in sickness and in health”. But, they are God fearing/loving guys and they know we are being Held. I wish I could take this all away from you. All of it. But, I can hold your hand and walk through it with you. We both need miracles. I’m here for you. Whenever. My number is in email. Even at 2 in the morning. Maybe we can laugh or cry together.

  23. I found your blog through Mayhem & Miracles just in time to pray for you. I’m so sorry that all of this is happening to you. But you are being loved and prayed for by people you will never even meet. May God’s peace transcend all the fear and take root inside your heart, soul, and mind as you walk this journey.

  24. YOU ARE NOT ALONE…look at these comments :) I do not know you but I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of months and you have AMAZING faith! Hold true to that and remember…YOU ARE NOT ALONE ~ God WILL be with you.

  25. Isa 41:10
    Do not fear for I am with you
    Do not anxiously look about you, for I AM YOUR GOD.
    I will strengthen you
    Surely I will help you
    Surely I will uphold you with MY RIGHTEOUS RIGHT HAND…….
    His fingerprints are on you and He holds you.
    Praying for you and yours!

  26. Thank you for so beautifully sharing your heart–you are such an inspiration! :) Father God, thank You for how You are working in Heather’s heart and life. Please, keep holding her close to You and filling her with Your love and peace. And, please, continue to work out all the details for her doctor’s visits, etc. You are our Helper! Lord, if it so be Your will, please, simply touch upon the brain tumor and take it completely away, making her completely well. Thank You, Lord! In Jesus’ precious name, Amen