I am about to jump in the shower and get ready for my doctor filled day. I had my quiet time this morning and read something that I want to put on here so I can look back to it in the days to come, and so it can hopefully touch someone out there. (later in the post)
Yesterday my post was full of strength, and while that strength is still very much in my spirit- moments like this morning I really get sad thinking about this thing growing in my head (she needs a name). I think about everything it threatens to take from me. I think about the location is it is sitting, silently waiting to destroy my speech and my cognitive thinking. I think about the future, a future I so desperately want to have with my family and my children. While driving to Dr. Cassidy’s (neurosurgeon) yesterday, I was looking out the window trying to find things that I hadn’t paid much attention to before. Its really earth shattering to know that it can all be taken away from you in a blink of an eye. I told Mark last night that it just seems so different than when we were told Emma was going to die- I seem so much more removed from it at times than I was then. He was pretty smart in his answer- he said its because this time it is Me. This time I am the one who feels helpless, because this time I am the one who needs the advocate and the support. He said that for him, the feelings are exactly the same as they were with Emma’s diagnosis, sometimes even stronger because I am his wife- the mother of his children- he has struggled so much with the thought of raising 3 children (well 27 if you think of all Emma’s precious little body entails) alone.
Ive struggled with this too. The thought of being taken from this earth before my children has caused me to raise my hands in the air and scream (trust me, ask the neighbors). Mark and I laughed yesterday- we’ve laughed alot about this amidst the tears- He always looks at me, takes my hand and says “What are the odds”. What are the odds that a family would have a child with an extremely rare heart defect (60 in the world) who would survive a severe mitochondrial myopathy, require a heart transplant and be diagnosed with autism- oh, and her mom has an inoperable brain tumor. What are the odds? I laughed and said “We better get a pretty big house out of this ordeal!” I know we have been through more than the average person- I also know that our steps were planned long before there was time. I don’t believe in Karma- there, I said it. My God is bigger than that. Anyone who could think that a mother deserves a brain tumor and a child deserves what Emma Grace has been through is very sick and has no place in my life. Satan uses tools for harm- you will not harm me. You will not steal my joy. You will not take from me what small amount of Peace I have in such a horrible horrible situation. You will not.
I have traveled many emotions the last 2 days. Joy, fear, anger, regret, and I will travel them all about 300 more times before this is over. I know that. When I read the following this morning, I sat on my couch and thought “You are so good God, you are so very good”.
Crossing Over Our Jordons River
We dont know when God will get us over the river. We don’t know how God will dry the riverbed and allow us to cross. But we do know, by faith, that he will act on our behalf. And while we wait, we remember.
We remmeber our Red Seas, the places where God has parted the waters for us, the impossible places where God came through and the Enemy was defeated
We remember who brought us through.
We remember whose we are. We belong to Christ!
We remember that God’s delays are not delays of inactivity, but of preparation. He delays, but he does not deny. While we wait He prepares us for His answer according to His perfect, preordained plan.
We remember and link up with like-minded, stronger people who are going in the same direction. We cant afford to attempt the waters of Jordan alone.
We remember to tell our children, and our children’s children that they may see the mighty hand of God and take courage for the rivers they will have to cross. They piggyback on our faith when we share the stories of God’s mighty acts in our lives.
We remember to offer encouragement for our friends who walk beside us along the way.
Today, Again. I remember I am not alone.
I remembered today was Doctor day, and I am praying for you. It is great that you are recording all of this here. It will help others. . . Not only does God not inflict Karma, but God has a way of using every little (and big horrible thing).
Hugs (and I’m not usually a hugger).
*hugs* I cannot say anything. Anything at all that will even come close to what I would like to be able to express. Just know we’re praying for you.
Praying for you today Heather! I’m praying for wise doctors and medicines that can heal you. I’m also praying for you to be a light to everyone you encounter today and in the days to come.
God IS Good…all the time. One of my prayers for you has been that He keeps you close to Him during this time and doesn’t let you turn from Him. I see that He is definitely doing that. I wish I knew what to say. I will just say it to our God and let Him speak to you what He knows you need to hear.
Praying for you, Heather. God IS good, you are so right. He is with you today. May your day bring Him glory. And may He bring you perfect peace.
Heather,
I’ve been just heartbroken, ever since I heard about this yesterday morning. I’ve come by here, by haven’t known what to say. Until now. God WILL use this situation, and you, to His glory. You are an inspiration to me. The fact that you have chosen not to be robbed of your joy, is such a blessing to anyone reading your posts. I am praying for you.
You are never alone sis, and remember “Faith will see us through” This is my motto! this is hanging over my fireplace. I live by this.
Love you sis!
(you want to name her? lol)
NOTHING is impossible with God! Sending up prayers on your behalf!
I am heartbroken for you. I was lying in bed last night telling my dh, “Okay, don’t think I’m nuts but this girl on the Internet that I read her blog………her name is Heather and she has a brain tumor and a little girl who has had a heart transplant and it just all makes me so very sad for her.” I am such an admirer of your work, I love looking at your designs. I pray for strength for you and your precious family. You are loved by someone who is a complete stranger.
Heather,
When my mom became ill with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, there were people in her church who said it was because of a lack of faith or unconfessed sin.
But she knew that it wasn’t God punishing her. She went through years of chemo because the tumors were around her heart and inoperable and had a six year long remission, but that was 20 years ago and chemo was pretty young and no where as advanced as it isnow. She eventually passed. She was 63. Now the part that I wanted to tell you is this. Please don’t take this discouragingly.
She was a born again believer and 99% of her family was not. She had tried for years to get them to come to church just knowing if they heard a salvation message they would understand it and accept Christ.But they all steadfastly refused to go to her church ever.
Well, she had time and planned her final farewell. She had her preacher do her funeral and asked him to preach a salvation message rather than do anything else, no matter what anyone in the family said. So he did.
The room was filled with so many people that they were crammed into the corners standing up. At the end of his sermon, the pastor gave an invitation to ask for salvation right where they sat or stood. Everyone had their eyes closed and heads bowed.
The following Sunday, the pastor, who was my pastor too, came to me at church and said that this was what happened. He and his wife were looking during the invitation and when they asked people to raise their hands if they had accepted Christ, the two of them started counting hands. They had to stop at about forty because time was too short to keep counting them all.
I imagine Jesus coming up to my mom in heaven and saying, “Roz, I was just at your funeral and you are NOT going to believe what just happened!!” My mom would have said it was worth it.
Maybe that’s not the reason for every illness, but I firmly believe that it was in her case. She could not reach those that she loved through her words or her many requests to share the gospel, but through her suffering and their respect for her life, people were saved because they were touched and they opened their hearts to the truth. Jesus used her to soften them up and they were ripe for the harvest.
Many of those people are gone now. Her sister, who was saved that day died a month afterward of pneumonia.
None of us knows how many days we have, but your story has reminded me to make today count like it is the last day I might have.
Love and Prayers,
Jan Bowser
Heather, I am so sorry for the struggle you are having to go through. We have never visited, even online, but I found your blog through the Homeschool Blog Awards. I just want to say that I am praying that the Lord will continue to reveal His love and power to You. Something that gives me comfort when things seem to be spinning out of control is to remember that God is the biggest, and He has the broadest perspective and the most power, and He knows what is going on and how He will turn it to His glory.
With love.
No, you are not alone. You have a whole sea of internets praying for you. I can NOT imagine the place you are in right now. I just can’t. But God can. He knows. And He is faithful. Your testimony of faith and strength is powerful. Praise the Lord.
Dear Sweet Sister in Christ,
I pray for healing and wholeness, I pray for strength and endurance, I pray for hope and grace, I pray for God’s mercy to you and your family. Most of all, I pray for the intimate presence of a Holy, Father God to encircle you with His arms of love and let you rest in peace and security in the Mighty, Everlasting Arms that are His and His alone!
Connie
I continue to pray for you. You were on my mind heavily last night and this morning. God be praised for His faithfulness to carry you through this time. I will pray for wisdom for the doctors and for strength for you and your family. And of course for His almighty hand to be over you in healing.
…in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers,(nor bad news, nor cancer) nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39
I have been where your friend Laura is. I was the friend, the fellow homeschooler when my friend was told her cancer had come back. She had been given 2 years to live and began to say goodbye to everything – until God stopped her and taught her not to live by man’s declarations but rather Gods. She went on, not only to live but have twins and 18 years after that “2 year” prognosis she still clung to that verse above. She could have spent that time waiting to die but rather it was spent living to tell God’s goodness to others. I know you will do the same! I have written part of her story here – http://fromthebellyofthewhale.blogspot.com/2007/02/fingerprints_28.html
You can do this – because you never do it alone.
Praying for Good Reports today.
Cheryl
Just read your updates – linked from Faithlifts. I feel like someone just punched me in the stomach. I can’t begin to understand what YOU’RE going through.
Praying, praying, praying that God will heal you comepletely and we’ll all see His Glory shine through all of this.
Your SIC,
Colleen
Western NY
It’s at times like this that I am so thankful that God included David’s writings in the Psalms. It totally shows me that all of my emotions during really difficult times are OK.
Thank you so much for posting the words to Crossing Over Our Jordons River! I have been teaching my kids lessons from the book of Exodus and the words above remind me that I really need to teach my kids from my own life! To speak to them of the things that He has done for me.
Hang in there. You have prayer warriors who you don’t even know holding you and your family up in prayer!
~Annemarie
I can’t even imagine anyone thinking you and your family deserve any of this. Good luck at all your appt today. You will be in my thoughts.
I don’t know you and I have only just found your blog from Mahem and Miracles. I just wanted to say that I am praying for you and I hope today goes well!
I am following your story and I am praying for you! Be blessed.
A very good word.
Still praying.
And you are right. Our God is so much bigger than some think He is.
And everything (no matter how horrible) is all for our good and His Glory.
Let the peace of God reign today.
Praying for your EEG today and whatever else you have to face today!
Praying for you this morning, Heather.
Your perspective is so incredible. You’ve already inspired me this morning.
May the same God who has carried you this far continue to hold your hand each step of the way. May your laughter be loud and your screams the same as you are real with us and real with the One who made you. He asks for our everything, and that includes our struggles and pain. Honest, raw emotion is not wrong. It is God-given. He can handle it all from you and from us.
Praying, praying, praying.
Dear Heather,
I found your blog through 5 minutes. I am praying for you, your family, and the medical staff that will be treating you. Almost 4 years ago my then 7 year old daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor. We have seen the mighty hand of God work as they were able to remove it and she is perfectly fine today. It is truly a miracle and I am praying for that same miracle for you!
God Bless You!
Bonita Schrader
Was up at praying for you first thing this morning…so glad that God in His tender loving care was already wrapping His arms of love and comfort around you! He IS good, all the time…by faith we cling to this truth despite what it looks like and despite what it feels like. Love you, sister and I’m holding you up in prayer before our Father God.
I’m still praying. What you said is right, the best thing to do is focus on the MIRACLE working God.
It reminds me of Romans 4:18 “Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.”19Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. 20Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.”
Not denying the earthly-facts, but believing in the heavenly ones!
Praying for more good news today. (Oh, and please don’t name it! It doesn’t deserve any part of you!)
People will say all kinds of stupid things during this process. I am sure you have already figured that out. I pray that what I am about to write is not stupid!
I can’t quit think about you. I can’t quit thinking about all the miracles God has done in my own life and in the life of others. I have a vision of you Heather. I truly have a vision! I see you sharing this with others for the rest of your life of how God healed you and how he used you to speak to nurses and doctors. As crazy as this may sound, especially coming from someone NOT in your shoes, this has to be a gift. I know, I know, that sounds STUPID but I just believe with everything in me that God is using you in ways you can’t even comprehend. And I believe that the WORLD is going to see you healed. Every time I think about the picture of your brain scan, I see another picture that has a completely normal brain scan!
I will not quit praying for you, I can’t. God is using YOUR faith in my life right this very second.
Your faith is strong and inspiring. I continue to pray for you.
Your devotional reminds me of a song I love. I’m praying for you!
On Jordan’s Stormy Banks I Stand
On Jordan’s stormy banks I stand,
And cast a wishful eye
To Canaan’s fair and happy land,
Where my possessions lie.
Refrain:
I am bound for the promised land,
I am bound for the promised land;
Oh who will come and go with me?
I am bound for the promised land.
O’er all those wide extended plains
Shines one eternal day;
There God the Son forever reigns,
And scatters night away.
Refrain
No chilling winds or poisonous breath
Can reach that healthful shore;
Sickness and sorrow, pain and death,
Are felt and feared no more.
Refrain
When I shall reach that happy place,
I’ll be forever blest,
For I shall see my Father’s face,
And in His bosom rest.
Refrain
I don’t understand why some people seem to sail through life and some people seem to have more than their share of problems. I don’t think I’ll ever understand until I get to heaven.
I’m so sorry for everything you are going through. Your faith and attitude are a HUGE testimony. I pray that you will continue to be strenghtened in your faith and that God will heal you.
Elizabeth Foss linked to your site. I just read about all you’ve been through with your daughter and what you are currently facing. God bless you for your faith and trust and for your witness to His precious gift of life. I join my prayers to all the others here for a flood of grace.
“We cant afford to attempt the waters of Jordan alone.”
How amazingly true. I do not profess to be stronger than you, but I will be glad to stand and walk across the Jordan with you. You and your family are in my prayers. I didn’t “meet” you until yesterday but you were the last thing I thought of last night in my prayers and the first thing this morning.
Heather, I’m so glad that you can say that this is not from God! It hurts me when people say that God has a reason for what he’s done”! I know that Satan is the evil one and from him all evil comes – not from God. I also know that “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.†Romans 8:28 I am believing in God’s love and healing power for you and your family and am praying that for you now!
Just wanted to leave you ((hugs)). Talk to you later!
Heather — I will continue to keep you in my prayers. You are not alone, my friend.
“The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.” Psalm 29:11 (NIV)
You are defiantly not alone in this – you are bathed in Gods light and love -
Surrounding you with prayer.
May you feel His presence in the midst of the storm.
When we lost our daughter, Bailey, I told people that we weren’t mad at God, but it was definitely something that we didn’t sign up for. He knows that we would rather have the good stuff and not the bad stuff, but Mother Theresa said it best, “I know God won’t give me more than I can handle, I just wished that he didn’t trust me so much.” Amen to that! Our prayers to you and your family. God has you in his arms and He’s holding you tight. So are we.
Praying for you today Heather.
No, you’re not alone. You’ve been in my heart ever since I read your first post. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling. Prayers are with you always!
You are amazing and what an inspiration. The strength you relay is incredible.
Heather,
I don’t know you but I’ve been thinking about you and praying for you since I read about all of this. I have shed tears for your situation and this morning I was reminded of the verse in Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” I weep with you now, but pray I will be able to rejoice with you later. Like many others I am praying for you to be able to continue finding strength in Him and that your family will grow even closer together and strong in Him.
Praying for you today. You have mustard up strength from the depth of your situation, may you be blessed.
You and your family are in my prayers.
Heather, I have never had the pleasure of meeting you, but after hearing the news about the tumor, I just had to stop by and give you a big ((HUG)). My prayers and tears are with you. Our God is much bigger than tumors, as you know. A lot of people are praying for you now. I have faith, it will be fun to watch God work and hear your miracle stories.
ps – I am reading the book “The Cure” The 12-Week Plan to Prevent and Reverse Cancer, Heart Disease, Obesity, and More. By Dr. Timothy Brantley. It has a lot of good inspiring stores and a healthy diet. It is something I need to do — radically change the way I’m eatting. Just thought you might be interested – it couldn’t hurt
.
My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you.
((((hugs))))
Hello. I came by via Jill’s blog. I am so moved by your strength and your faith. I pray that Lord would be bring healing to your body and to Emma. I pray for complete and total healing because our God is a bigger than we give Him credit for.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Heather
Always remember that you and Mark and your children are not alone in this. Whether people know you in “real” or internet life – they all know you are not being punished and “Karma” is not getting you. Any person who thinks that God is punishing you or that you brought this onto yourself and your family is someone who obviously does not understand the teachings of the Bible and the love of Christ. Knowing you as I do, I am certain you will not allow this person to take anything from you. There are so many people praying for you and so many of us will be at your front door to help you and your family. Be strong in the knowledge that you are loved and cherished by so many, many people and in the faith that you live your life by daily. Love, hugs and prayers go out to you! Remember that some people have such sad lifes, they fill the emptiness with hatred and evil – truly the work of the devil!
Heather,
I came here via Real Learning (prayers are also being asked for on The Lilting House and Karen Edmisten, among others). You and your family will remain in our prayers. God is good!