I keep asking myself if I am in denial. I really have no “OH MY GOD, I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR” emotions right now, as weird as that may sound. I am sad for my family, as I know their hearts are hurting so very much. Tonight is the first time I have heard my husband laugh (he was watching King Ralph, oddly enough) since Tuesday evening. I cried in the bedroom while he thought I was sleeping, it was good to hear him laugh again. I’ve been thinking all day about this, why am I not overwhelmed and completely off my rocker with fear and sadness?
I want to share my heart in regards to that fact. Walking through Emma’s journey the last 5 years, I have learned so much. I have learned that every emotion has its place, yet at the end of that emotion, God still sits on the same throne. I read over at GiBee’s how God doesn’t take coffee breaks- He was on his throne when I received the call on Tuesday at 5:30pm regarding the mass in my brain, and He will remain on that same throne until my last breath is drawn. I am not saying that I am not sad- I am very sad regarding what our family is going through- I am just not overwhelmed with grief.
I remember sitting next to Emma’s bed when she was in ICU last January. That is a fear I will never forget- the fear of losing her sends me into a bawling fit. Anytime any one of my children hurt, my heart breaks. The thought of losing one of them, I seriously do not know what I would do. I hurt right now because this mass threatens to take precious years from my life- years of memories of my family, husband and children. That is what makes me sad.
But I cant honestly say that I am afraid.
I sat in the ENT’s office this afternoon and listened to this doctor, who just yesterday told me that there was no way my dizziness was inner ear related, that it had to be related to the brain tumor, completely change his story- and what a story he told, unknowingly. Today, every test proved that I have had serious damage to my inner ear by a virus (probably from when I was in Chicago in January). The amazing thing about that knowledge is a) it is treatable b) had I not had this virus, had my inner ear not be damaged, I would not have gone to my doctor, I would not have had the MRI. I would have no clue that I had a brain tumor.
I would have no clue. You can not tell me that God didn’t have his hands all over that…
Then when you take into account that we have only known about this tumor for a little over 48 hours, and you look at the amazing things that have happened in those 48 hours- I have an appointment at the #1 ranked neurosurgery hospital in the country people! A feat that takes upwards of 6-8 months normally. You cannot tell me that God didn’t have his hands all over that….
I am sure I will walk through the valley, I am sure I will be sad, and part of me is still very removed from this- it is still very very fresh and I still feel as if it is happening to someone else… but at the same time- I do not fear what my future holds. I cant. I cant spend the energy anticipating the next horrible event.
I am choosing to anticipate the next great provision. Whatever provision that may be. I am choosing to believe that no matter what- even if God calls me home tonight in my sleep- He never stepped off His throne.
He simply brought me closer to it.
Heather-
Thank you for blessing me today with these words.
It was something I needed to hear.
Hugs.
After sitting here trying to find words, I am led to write
You are beautiful.
Your sister in Christ,
Cathy
Well, much food for thought. Living our lives in a meaningful, purposeful way was the topic of conversation between myself and a couple of other friends on blogger who were telling me about your situation. You and your family are in our prayers.
God IS still on His throne! I believe! I believe! I believe! What a beautiful visual Gibee has offered…I do believe it was ‘spoken’ just for you Heather! I love how God works…and I can hardly contain my joy as I Praise Him for His care of you so far! You have been experiencing “God’s speed” my blogging friend! How’s that to make a girl dizzy! I will go to sleep tonight praising Him for His love–for how intricately He cares for you…for each of His children.
He is doing a mighty work in you Heather….rest and wait on Him…as we watch and pray! You are safe…and we are in awe of His presence–yes, even through the internet–we can feel the presence of God on the life of one ‘unknown’….but loved.
Diane
God is good! Isn’t it awesome how HE continnues to reveal Himself even in the craziest things. Continuing to pray.
Heather, You are truly a blessing. Your words speak volumes, and I am grateful to be inside what God is doing right now, even from this vantage point. God is NOT on a break, and for that I am hugely grateful. We have reason to hope, for He is moving and He is truly on His throne. We CAN depend on His presence, and we can depend on His power through all this as well.
Praying and sending hugs your way, Heather!
~~~I am choosing to believe that no matter what- even if God calls me home tonight in my sleep- He never stepped off His throne.
He simply brought me closer to it.~~~
This brought chills to me and tears to my eyes. This is the most awesome quote, and it has ministered to me tonight, thanks Heather! xoxo melzie
I LOVE King Ralph!!! Has he seen Father Goose? Oldie, but a good one – and very funny
Dear God, continue to allow Heather and her family to *feel* Your loving arms around them. There will be lulls … fill their lulls with You in beautiful ways. Thank You for life; and thank You for eternal Life; and thank You for always being on Your throne and in our hearts all at the same time. I love You, God, Ame
Heather…
I came over to your blog through BooMama’s request for prayer for you, and have been thinking of you and praying for you since I read of your recent news.
I thought the same thing about the dizziness when I first read it…how neat that it was the thing that lead you and the doctors to discover the tumour…if the dizziness was not related to the tumour. You’re right…God has his hands ALL OVER that! God has a purpose in all things!!!!!!
Also, I had read your ‘About the Name’ section where you wrote “My hope for this space is that Christ opens many more doors for me to minister and touch peoples lives- not just through Emma’s story, but also through what Christ has done and is doing in me. Through the good and the bad- open and poured out before my savior.”
That is what the Lord is doing in you now! You are using your blog space to be real with your readers, to pour out your heart, to touch people’s lives. What a blessing that is.
None of us knows the number of our days. I will pray that your days will be many, but I know that, in the end, your are in HIS hands…and there is no better place to be.
hugs,
Brenda
Hi Heather, I got here from the link on AMExpression
Hope you don’t mind me adding a comment.
As I read what you have just found out and what are going through, my heart broke for you and your family. Thank you for pointing to God in the midst of your difficult circumstance.
You are right that God’s mighty hand is at work in “circumstances” like an ear pain causing something far worse to be discovered. I have seen Him do things like that several times with people I have known. He loves you!
My wife and I will be praying for you and for God’s continued mercy on you and your family.
May the doctors be God’s instruments for your healing and I pray for anointing over them that will continue to point to God’s loving kindness and faithfulness to you.
– A brother in Christ
Your faith and trust in Jesus is inspiring and shines brightly from your posts! Thanks to this great thing called the internet people you don’t even know are lifting you up in prayer probably every moment of a 24 hour day! I was just reading “The Hour That Changed The World” and the author says “Prayer is the vision of the believer. It gives eyes to our faith. In prayer we see beyond ourselves and focus spiritual eyes on God’s infinite power.” Your struggles are uniting the body of christ to look beyond ourselves and believe in God’s power and that is an awesome thing!
Lifting you up,
Gayle
Another strong post – I can understand being numb – but your power, thoughts, wishes, and the knowledge that no matter what happens God holds you in the palm of his hand is inspiring – you are an inspiration to soo many!
Continuing in prayer -
Writing through the tears…
And you bring us closer to Him through your authentic and genuine faith.
Thank you, Heather.
You are surrounded by prayer. And He is Emmanuel, forever on His throne.
Our little niece was born with multiple difficulties but the one thing we saw clearly was God’s amazing provision and foresight! You are so right that God has already seen your steps and has ordered them.
Your great faith and attitude humble me. Bless you Heather!
Uh, I guess I’m glad then, that our fair city played a part?
((Hugs & Prayers))
You rock.
So does God.
Love love love your heart….
Still praying here. I also wanted to tell you that my ex-MIL had two brain tumors and both were removed with success and she has lived a normal life. I know it is hard and scary but God’s hands are all over this as you have said.
Big Hugs, Lyndy
Isn’t it wonderful to know that He is in control? What an amazing God. What an amazing faith. May He continue to heap peace on you and on your husband and children.
Wow. That’ll preach.
Wow! You are such an inspiration. Though I just met you on your blog on Tuesday, I truly feel I know you through your poweful writing. Your faith is astounding and something I aspire to. My daily prayers will begin and end with you. God bless you and your family.
God loves you and He is holding you and your family close to Him. Thank you for blessing all of us with your beautiful words about our Lord. Praying for you!
I’m so glad things are smoothing out for y’all–we’re continuing to pray here!!
Hi Heather…my prayers are with you. I only came across your website a few days ago. I feel it was divine appointment…the more prayer we can storm the gates of Heaven with the better. I will be following your blog now…this hit me especially hard as we are so close in age.
I also have a tidbit of info that I can’t help but think was part of that divine appointment. My mom has been receiving cancer treatments at Mayo for three years now. There is a program that I wanted to bring to your attention. It is called Angel Flight. Every time my mom has to go to Mayo they go by Angel Flight. The six hour drive is just too hard on her and what a blessing this program has been! It is completely free air transportation. Please check into this it may be a huge burden off your shoulders. Their website: http://www.angelflightamerica.org/
May God’s healing hands touch you and may He be glorified through your healing. God Bless You Abundantly, Melissa
I hope you don’t think I am crazy but I need to tell you this. I beat cervical cancer without doctors help. I have friends that have seen people cured of disease such as cancer, MS and diabetes. I went on the diet found at http://www.hacres.com and it healed me. If you want more details please feel free to PM me. I also have the doctor’s letters to prove what I am saying is true. I just needed you to know this because you can beat this.
Heather, although I have never met you I see clearly where God HAS had his hands all over this whole thing (and I mean from Emma and even before…..) Of course you have learned SO much and you are probably more able to handle this news and situation so much better than most people. I see you already turning it over to God and getting on with your life. I am praying for your complete healing and many many years with your precious family! You are encouraging so many others by being able to turn this over to God so early… Of course you have some fear, because it is the unknown. (You have never had a brain tumor before),but what a testimony the way you are handling it by giving it all to God. So glad to hear your husband was able to laugh at something. Life goes on… How wonderful!
BTW, You have a beautiful family!
Hi Heather,
I am thinking of what you just wrote. You are a daughter of That King who is sitting on the Throne. You are a loving wife concerned about the love of her life. And you are a mom.
There are a lot of different kinds of moms. There are hysterical moms, panicky moms, calm moms, all kinds of moms. But you are a special breed of mama. You are the one that trusts God in all things even as she is holding her little girl’s hand while she sleeps. That kind of mom is Strong beyond belief, well at least in the vision of her child. Alone in the shower or once the crisis has past, than all her emotions flood in at once. I think the emotions you are wondering about are there but there is work to be done and they will wait until the work is complete. You never know how long it will last, but it is a gift from the Lord as you work at setting things right. Daughter, Wife , Sister seem to take a backseat to mom mode. And Mom mode gets things done. You Go with God Girl and keep getting things done!
Because of Jesus, Bobbie
Amen! You are such an inspiration!!!
Praying you can rest tonight and have a good night sleep!
Yes, our Lord sits on the throne and is ALWAYS in control if we will allow him to be!
Hi Heather, a total stranger here, but wanted you to know I’m praying for you. Your faith and strength are awesome.
May the Lord bless you and keep you.
Love Janet
I think you haven’t had those feelings because God is already comforting you, you are already feeling his presence and His hand in things.
Hi Heather, I’m Amanda and I heard about your brain tumour via Suzy over on Diuranta. I’ve added you to my blogroll and will be following your progress.
I follow the blog of Carol Wilson who is also a Christian with cancer is at stage 4. Her blog is inspirational and I thought you might like to take a look for some encouragement. Her blog is:
http://carolwilsonupdate.blogspot.com/index.html
I’m going to point her in your direction too.
Amanda.
Praising God for what He’s already done, what He is doing, and for the work He’s going to do in your life, Heather.
Be strong in the faith, my sister, and we’ll keep lifting you up before God’s Throne.
You are amazing and your strength is inspiring. My prayer is that all goes well with your appointment with the specialist and that God will work a miracle in your life.
Wow. My heart goes out to your and your family.
Dear Heather,
Our prayers are with you and your family. Faith comes through knowing the character of God. Praise the Lord that He is not only all-wise and all-powerful, but He is also all-good. Thank you for ministering to us as we try to minister to you.
In Christ Alone,
Brett Harris
“I am choosing to believe that no matter what- even if God calls me home tonight in my sleep- He never stepped off His throne.
He simply brought me closer to it.”
Heather- your words and your faith humbles me. Please know that you and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers!
Dear, Sweet Heather…
The last 48 hours, I have been sad and angry, thinking about what an injustice this is to happen to someone so incredibly sweet and kind, someone who has already been down difficult paths, someone who simply doesn’t deserve this situation hitting them like a freight train.
I have been angry with God. (Anyone who knows me knows I was not raised religious, and therefore do not know nearly enough about what to believe, if anything, and yes, I am one very confused soul).
Then I come here, I read your words and they lift me up, comfort me, at a time when we should be comforting you. I told a friend all of this and he said, “Heather would want you to be taking a page from her book. Her outlook is inspiring, forgiving, amazing.”
And so, tonight, I release that anger, and take a page from your book.
Also, I send enormous hugs and kisses your way, and if you need anything, anything at all, you know where to find me.
xoxo
Karen
Dear Mrs. Heather
You are truly a gift to all of us bloggers, young and old, and through this hard time you are teaching us many things… through your faith in the One True God.
Mom and I have been following your blog since we heard. We both feel deep pain for you and especially your family…
God is watching over you… you’re right, he never leaves his throne…
You are in His BIG hands so hold on and be at peace…. Though it may seem hard… as I am sure it is.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an *expected* end.
Through your writing… I have been inspired and ministered too! God can work through anything or anybody or any situation!
Thank you, for your words of wisdom and trust in Him. Thank you for being such a wonderful example!
Blessings! Praying for you and yours!
Love,
Miss Jocelyn
You amaze me…you comfort me…yet you should be comforted by others…your faith strengthens mine…thank you…God bless and hold you…as I know He will.
I continue to pray the prayer you requested and trust God to hold a precious sister in Christ.
“He never stepped off His throne.
He simply brought me closer to it.”
Heather, I’ve been praying for you since you posted, but that last line just made me cry and I had to send you a note. In the short time I’ve been on this board, you have become very dear to me, and I wish I could just give you a big hug! Thank you for your transparency and sharing your heart with the rest of the world. I am praying that people will be drawn to Christ as they read your story. Thank you for admitting discouragement as well as triumphs. You’re in my prayers.
Much love,
Sarah Joy Albrecht =)
Heather,
I found your site through a friend’s site. I have been reading your story for the past couple of days. You write so eloquently and from the heart. Your words are so inspiring and faithful. I want you to know you and your family are in my prayers.
Heather is the Body of Christ. She is redeemed from the curse, because Jesus bore her sicknesses and carried her diseases in His own body. By His stripes she is healed. Cancer cannot operate in her body. Everything in her functions and is formed in the perfection in which God created it to function.
(Gal 3:13, Matt 8:17, 1 Peter 2:24, 1 Cor 6:20) originally found in Prayers that Avail Much by Germaine Copeland
You have the most aamazing attitude. What a testament you are!!!
Heather
As you begin another day I know you will appreciate all that you have been given and blessed with and even in your time of worry and concern, you still reach out to others. I believe there is always good in bad – the fact that our paths crossed and allowed us to become friends is proof of that. I know there are so many people praying for you and those prayers will keep coming. Stay strong and remember to let those who love you help!
Heather,
Again, as I am praying for you, I know the Father is hearing our prayers and He cares. Every time I’ve read your blog, I have cried and cried. God knows that our tears mean something. To know that He cares for every little thing we go through is overwhelming. Then, He shows us just how loving and graceful He really is. I am so thankful we serve a loving and graceful God.
I firmly believe you will be healed in His name.
((((Heather and family))))
I can’t wait to hear your testimony when you are past this time in your life…seriously, you need to write a book. Think about it.
In Christ,
Shannon
You are definately one of my heros of faith.
Love and hugs and prayers…
“I am choosing to anticipate the next great provision.”
I love how you express your faith. Your beautiful heart continues to minister. Praying…
We’ve been praying for you throughout the day.
{{HUGS}} Your faith is amazing, but you have faith in an even more AMAZING GOD! Praying for you!
Heather,
I am not as graceful with words as you are but I wanted you to know just how much you have touched me. I have been going through a serious time of doubt in my life- doubt that God speaks to me, doubt about what church to attend, doubt if God is even real. You have just made such an impact on me with the faith you have displayed thru this. You make me as myself, “How can God not be real- Heather believes in Him with her entire life”. I am so sorry that you and your family are having to go thru this. I will continue to keep you in my prayers (yes, I still pray to a God that I “question” the existence of- crazy, huh) Thank you for the faith you have shown and for helping me to move one step closer to my acceptance of God.
Heather, thank you for taking us along on your journey. I appreciate your openness and honesty, and I’m thankful that you are confident that God is in control. Not all days will be so clear. So remember that, when you are too tired to fight, that we will be here to fight for you by lifting you up in prayer. Your words are helping many, as seen above, and God has graced you with an extra measure of his love. He will surround you and your family with everything you need — Praise God!