“Oh My God, I Have a Brain Tumor!”

I keep asking myself if I am in denial. I really have no “OH MY GOD, I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR” emotions right now, as weird as that may sound. I am sad for my family, as I know their hearts are hurting so very much. Tonight is the first time I have heard my husband laugh (he was watching King Ralph, oddly enough) since Tuesday evening. I cried in the bedroom while he thought I was sleeping, it was good to hear him laugh again. I’ve been thinking all day about this, why am I not overwhelmed and completely off my rocker with fear and sadness?

I want to share my heart in regards to that fact. Walking through Emma’s journey the last 5 years, I have learned so much. I have learned that every emotion has its place, yet at the end of that emotion, God still sits on the same throne. I read over at GiBee’s how God doesn’t take coffee breaks- He was on his throne when I received the call on Tuesday at 5:30pm regarding the mass in my brain, and He will remain on that same throne until my last breath is drawn. I am not saying that I am not sad- I am very sad regarding what our family is going through- I am just not overwhelmed with grief.

I remember sitting next to Emma’s bed when she was in ICU last January. That is a fear I will never forget- the fear of losing her sends me into a bawling fit. Anytime any one of my children hurt, my heart breaks. The thought of losing one of them, I seriously do not know what I would do. I hurt right now because this mass threatens to take precious years from my life- years of memories of my family, husband and children. That is what makes me sad.

But I cant honestly say that I am afraid.

I sat in the ENT’s office this afternoon and listened to this doctor, who just yesterday told me that there was no way my dizziness was inner ear related, that it had to be related to the brain tumor, completely change his story- and what a story he told, unknowingly. Today, every test proved that I have had serious damage to my inner ear by a virus (probably from when I was in Chicago in January). The amazing thing about that knowledge is a) it is treatable b) had I not had this virus, had my inner ear not be damaged, I would not have gone to my doctor, I would not have had the MRI. I would have no clue that I had a brain tumor.

I would have no clue. You can not tell me that God didn’t have his hands all over that…

Then when you take into account that we have only known about this tumor for a little over 48 hours, and you look at the amazing things that have happened in those 48 hours- I have an appointment at the #1 ranked neurosurgery hospital in the country people! A feat that takes upwards of 6-8 months normally. You cannot tell me that God didn’t have his hands all over that….

I am sure I will walk through the valley, I am sure I will be sad, and part of me is still very removed from this- it is still very very fresh and I still feel as if it is happening to someone else… but at the same time- I do not fear what my future holds. I cant. I cant spend the energy anticipating the next horrible event.

I am choosing to anticipate the next great provision. Whatever provision that may be. I am choosing to believe that no matter what- even if God calls me home tonight in my sleep- He never stepped off His throne.

He simply brought me closer to it.

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Comments

  1. My heart goes out to you and your family. I see that your faith will carry you all through, and that at the end of this ordeal you will have a wonderful testimony to share for years to come.

  2. Amen! Standing with you in prayer. He is God and He is always on his throne!!! Your words of praise in this time of warfare are worship to Him.

  3. >>>every emotion has its place, yet at the end of that emotion, God still sits on the same throne.

  4. Amen. (And I thought your husband was the preacher in the family.) :-)

  5. Ooops. I guess your DAD is the preacher.

  6. KimberlyDi says:

    Most of us rush through life totally blind. All we have is this moment. You’ve had an incredible journey. I hope God doesn’t call you home soo soon. He called my mother home over a year ago but I still feel her love and feel that she’s looking after me. No matter where you are, you will always love and look after your family.

    God Bless

  7. Yep I see God’s hands all over you. I pray for you daily. I have a little sticky note on my laptop so each time I sign on I am praying for you. ((hugs))

  8. I am so sorry to be reading this. I just found you via Chelsea Morning.

    This *might* be helpful

    http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/elfmom

    She is battling a brain tumor also.

  9. You are such an amazing woman and show such great strength! Your faith in God is your anchor and the very fact that He is going before you in everything is confirmation that He is in control! God is good and you serve Him so well. My prayers are with you and your family and what a blessing that you are in His hands!

  10. Hi Heather. I just wanted to say that the grace you’re under is awe inspiring. And you’ve been lifted up in our prayers. This is probably not such a great time but I wanted to let you know that you’ve inspired me so much that I’ve awarded you the Thinking Blogger Award. Nothing is expected from you, but if you want to read HOW MUCH you inspire me, it’s on todays post :)
    Love in Christ,
    Heather

  11. What a beautiful post. Throughout the time I read I was encouraged by how much you’re trusting God in this hard time! I’ll be praying for you and your family, Heather.

  12. Once again I am leaking from the corners of my eyes. But they are tears of joy that this blogging world has once again heard from heaven and the answer is that we need to keep praying for each other! What a mighty God we serve.

  13. I am so sorry to hear about your brain tumour, but glad you feel as positive about it as you do. Positive thinking will help you all the way. My sister-in-law had a huge brain tumour removed about ten years ago and has had no further problems. I hope you recovery will be as swift as hers.

  14. What a beautiful post…

    I just wanted to let you know that all the ladies in my Bible study are lifting you up in prayer right now.

  15. “I cannot tell you how God formed the mountains or placed the stars in the sky. I cannot tell you how paints a rainbow or makes the sparrow fly. I cannot tell you how He tends the lilies with hands that hold the sea, but I can tell you what the Lord has done for me.

    He cleansed my heart from sin, put His peace within, and gave me life anew. He healed my broken heart that was torn apart, and gave me Heaven, too. I cannot tell you all of the joy that’s waiting throughout eternity, but I can tell you what the Lord has done for me.

    I cannot tell you how the God of Heaven was in a manger bed. I cannot tell you how blind eyes were opened and mulitudes were fed. I cannot tell you why He’d love a sinner and die upon a tree, but I can tell you what the Lord has done for me.

    He cleansed my heart from sin, put His peace within, and gave me life anew. He healed my broken heart that was torn apart and gave me Heaven, too. I cannot tell you all of the joy that’s waiting throughout eternity, but I can tell you what the Lord has done for me.”
    – The Whisnants

    Thank you for sharing what the Lord is doing for you. Praying that where the problems aboud that God will “much more aboud”. Much love and many prayers.

  16. Almost 3 years ago, I found myself sitting in the lobby of the Texas Cancer Center. I wondered how I ended up there? A routine outpatient procedure with preliminary blood work revealed I had nearly non-existent blood platelets! My blood wasn’t clotting.

    My OB/GYN referred me to a certain doctor and her nurse called me and told me the address. Never once was the name of where I was going mentioned. When I pulled into the parking lot I began to shake and cry. I managed to get myself through the appontment and headed to the hospital for a transfusion. 3 days later I had a bone marrow biopsy.

    Like you, I was never afraid. I just knew that I knew, that God had it all under control. I told my Beloved hubby that even if I had cancer, we were going to be fine. The peace I felt was beyond words.

    I would get upset thinking of how my family would be hurt if I were to hear those horrible words that shake you to the marrow of your bones. Fortunately for me, my marrow was free of cancer.

    I’m still under the care of the Texas Cancer Center and in the process of attaining some level of normalcy with my blood. I’ve had low moments to be sure.

    I have learned more about my Abba Father than I ever knew was possible. I can honestly say that I am thankful for the opportunity God has given me to approach the throne and obtain mercy & grace in my time of need.

    Prayers continually,
    Connie in Texas

  17. “I am choosing to anticipate the next great provision. Whatever provision that may be. I am choosing to believe that no matter what- even if God calls me home tonight in my sleep- He never stepped off His throne.

    “He simply brought me closer to it.”

    Heather, you are a truly awesome child of God! Thank you for sharing and being transparent in your time of need. What you’ve shared on your blog has touched many, many lives — more than you’ll know until you reach heaven!

    Don’t worry about what emotions you’ve had. I think plenty of us have cried, been angry, etc. for you :)

    You are in my prayers continually. I have not stopped thinking about you since I found out about this. Please do continue to keep us updated on the great and wonderful things God is doing in your life.

    Lisa B.

  18. Amen, sister…praying for you always! Thanking the Father for His provision for you, already and for the gift of laughter to your husband (it IS good medicine). You are not alone and I’m thanking God for the perspective He is giving You as well as guarding your emotions. Rest dear one in Him, as you are…let His arms enfold you. Love in Christ, who is our Life…Kari

  19. Heather,

    I have visited your blog and number of times and have never commented. Today I leave a comment to let you know that I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Just as God has you in His hands, He also has your family in His hands. Trust Him to keep them as well as yourself. He is good and able. (((HUGS))) sent your way today!

  20. You’re more than welcome & I totally meant it :) And I think the reason you don’t feel all of the normal things that you think you’re supposed to feel is because God has given you a spirit of Peace & not Fear. Just keep your chin up ~ HE is using you to touch MANY MANY hearts ~ hearts that might not have opened up to Him without your story & your strength.

  21. Heather,
    I just read your words posted under “about the name”, explaining your blog. I think God has taken you at your word. I just found you in the last few days, but it’s already clear how he is using you, to make him known to others! Sharing your journey is sharing him. May his strength and peace continue to permeate your heart as you take each step in blind confidence. Many prayers!

  22. You are so right, Heather. Thank you for sharing this with us.. your transperancy as you walk through this, your realness, and the wisdom that is beyond your years. I believe with you that God’s hands are all over this. You have my prayers.

  23. My kids and I are/willy pray for you every morning during our devotion time. In the past two days you’ve inspired me more than I can say.

  24. First, sorry for the long comment.

    There’s a song that one of the Women of Faith worship leaders sings which I think is the key to why you’re not “freaking out” …

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    In the arms of His love I find rest; In the arms of His love there’s sweet quietness; Nothing can harm me no reason to fear; Safe in the arms of His love.

    Softly He speaks to my spirit. Drawing me into His grace. Laying aside all my worries and pride, to enter His gentle embrace.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    We can either choose to believe in God and rest in his peace, or we can choose to let tough situations get the best of us… You’ve chosen to believe in God. You’re a seasoned warrior in the battle field of crisis, and you’ve developped spiritual coping mechanisms that take over, and squeeze out those “OH MY GOD I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR” moments. In God’s arms, there’s no need to be overwhelmed or freaked out! Praise God for that!!!

    We all can learn so much from you. Keep abiding in the arms of HIS love.

    Thank you for being so transparent with your updates!

  25. I am going to be praying for you intensly. Your attitude is amazing. I know God is looking down at you with the biggest smile on his face.

  26. I am praying for you. God is present all the time in our lives, and I try to remind myself that God wants us to trust him as much as he loves us–infinitely. Your faith is just one other reminder of that truth. Your trust in Him is inspiring, and his love for all of us is likewise inspiring.

  27. How very like you to minister to and inspire us when you are so burdened, Heather. Bless your heart. You are in my prayers.

  28. Heather,

    May God Bless you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

  29. I am visiting you from Penni’s blog and I can only say may God bless you in every way and heal you and your family. My prayers are with you…

  30. I am going to add my little comment to the many others that are here already and more that I am sure will come.

    Be blessed. You might wonder over to my blog and read my post for April 12. I learned a lot that day.

    Be blessed. Be healed. You are in my prayers.

  31. I am visiting for the first time. I feel so very very blessed reading of your faith, and pray that He will coninute to give you peace as you rest in Him. Praying for you and your family!!!!

  32. Mark George says:

    my wife is so cool

  33. Heather,

    I saw a prayer post for you at http://www.5minutesformom.com/
    and wanted to drop by and let you know I prayed for you and hope God works wonders in your life with this! Our hearts go out to you and your family!

  34. You are inspiring. Thank you!

  35. Sweet Heather,
    Your faith blesses my socks off! You are so eloquent in expressing what God has done about all of this…your words paint a vivid picture of His faithfulness and His provision and His watchfulness.
    He has given us an amazing ability to cope with life’s hardships, blows, and shocks. He has blessed you with such insight that it keep You in His perfect peace.
    I pray that you have so many walking through this valley with you, with so many flames of prayer going up to Heaven, that the darkness can’t even exist! That you have so much light from His love shining through others that the enemy’s blackness cannot even touch you.
    I’m also praying for your parents. And your husband and your children.
    I don’t know you, but I love you, Heather. I truly do.

  36. Heather, I know you don’t know me, but I just want you to know you have one more person praying for you for the Grace only God can give.

    Carol

  37. Heather, I don’t think I’ve posted before on your blog, but I have read it from time to time. This little community is amazing and shows the love of God in a great way! The day you first posted about your tumor, it was on at least three different blogs that I read daily. I was heartbroken to hear about it, but have been inspired daily by you since then. And I agree with your husband, his wife is cool! Praying for you!

    Amy

  38. Heather,

    I linked to your page from another I view regularly. Please know that my prayers are with you and your family. I pray for healing,
    strength, and peace for all of you. GOD is the ultimate healer, have faith that he will take care of you HIS child.

  39. Tears in my eyes…God is using you in such a mighty way. Yes, He will forever sit on the throne!

  40. You have so beautifully described God’s peace…”and the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus”. A guarded heart and a guarded mind…the elements of His peace. I pray God envelopes you in His presence…I believe He already has. You will be lifted up out of this…I believe it…I believe it. I think of the song which says…”In his time of trouble, God will uphold him…God will preserve him…God will sustain him…In his time of trouble God will lift him up, so rejoice your steps are ordered of God”.

    Rejoicing in the midst of stuff…it is a God thing!

    Lots of love to you…Cheryl

  41. Heather, I don’t know what to say… I’m sincerely speechless!!!!

  42. Wrapping you in my prayers, you are truly an inspiration. Bless you.

  43. Heather,
    I am truly praying endlessly for you. This is a tough thing to go through, as I lost my mother to a brain tumor when I was 9. There is truly peace with God, knowing that the Father is going to take care of you and your family. I am happy to hear you will be taken care of at such a fabulous hospital and wish you the best and send you a great big hug, even though we do not know each other.

    Amo in dies Semper
    (Love in Christ Always)
    Sara

  44. Heather,

    I had visited you from the blog party and now came over from Michelle at Between Diapers and Dishes. Thank you for sharing what is in your heart. My heart just melted when you said you had peace, because I know that peace can only come from the Holy Spirit. He must be all over you right now. What a feeling.

    Take care!
    Amy

  45. God is still using you! Thank you for being an encouragement to many when many came to be an encouragement to you!
    Rebecca

  46. Dearest Heather…You edify and glorify this life and our Risen Lord through your beautiful words…HOPE>>FAITH> never give up never give up never give up…the power of LOVE will sustain you. You have my love and prayers and faith dear. Jenny

  47. Heather, you have blown me away. I am reading all of your posts each day, but most of the time I am too overwhelmed with emotion to type a comment.
    I want to leap through my computer and give you a hug! You are blessing ME with your words of faith & trust. And man, oh man, that throne image has sent me reeling!

    Is it okay if I link to this post? I am just in awe.

    Praying for you sweetie….

  48. I’m praying for you Heather….

  49. Heather, My hubby has a brain tumor as well, we have been going through this for the last 4 months. We are also thankful for our faith and God’s love and power!!

    Please feel free to email me if you need to.

    Annie

  50. I found your link through Laura at Organizing Junkie. I just want you to know that I am praying for you. One of the biggest reminders that has helped me through some difficult things in life is to remember that it was no surprise to God. For me that was comforting to remember that he is still God. Praying for you.

    Beth