This ones for me…

I know alot of people are out with their families, it is a weekend after all. I’m trying to keep a pretty accurate journal of my feelings, so that my family and I can process this better and so that everyone reading this (family and friends from many locations) will know how to pray for me.

This morning has been hard. Ive cried alot. alot. Ive tried really hard to stay removed from what the future might hold so that I can face it with a clearer head, but then my son came into my room to give me a kiss before his soccer game and the weight on my heart nearly crushed me.

Last night, after I finished my last project for Swank, I sat there and cried. I love my job. I will greatly miss my job. I already do.
As I sat there, I started reading about brain tumors, and the process proceeding the diagnosis. Ive been reading through some of the links you have all sent me regarding other peoples journeys with this, trying hard to focus on those who are believers because the spiritual aspect of this is so large for me. I couldn’t do this without Christ, there is absolutely no way.

To put it lightly- the fear that I said I hadn’t felt yet. I feel it this morning. I feel like I am racing towards our trip to Mayo, yet trying to slow down time in the process. I find myself unknowingly looking at the faces of the people I love a bit longer, especially my children.

Oh how my heart hurts for my children. My ten year old daughter, who has carried the weight of the world on her shoulders already once. My 6 year old son, whose smile lights up my world. And my Emma Grace…. my sweet precious Emma Grace.

I’m clinging to “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death” with everything in me…. but I think today is the first day that I have come to a full realization that I am facing the possibility of death. “I will fear no evil, for my God is with me.”

Yet today, through all of these tears. I fear.

I fear the diagnosis. I fear the word Cancer. I fear the possibility of brain surgery. I fear the effects of radiation.

I fear losing the normalcy of my already abnormal little life.

Its weird, being the personality type that I am, to not be able to do anything. With Emma, I was always able to make sure that her life was protected to the best of my ability. This last week has really shown me that, in the end, it really had little to do with my anal self- and alot to do with God.

It can all change in the blink of an eye.

But I know you hear me, God. I know you know my heart and that you will not leave me through this. You will be beside me through every aspect of this journey.. Please protect my family…. Please soften the blow for them. Please help me realize that strength does not always equal joy- and that it is okay for my joy to be gone sometimes through this experience. Its okay for me to cry and its okay for me to feel helpless- because it reminds me that I need to depend on you. I need to be able to fall at your feet and just wail. My heart is so heavy today. I dont want to walk down this road- I dont want to face all of the possibilities this holds for me. I dont want to die. I dont want my family to have to watch me go through brain surgery and radiation and rehab.

I just plain dont want to do this.

But then I remember the rest of that verse. “For my God is with me, and if my God is with me, who else shall I fear?”

Im clinging to that this morning with every ounce of strength I have… Its taking all the strength I have to place this in your hands. And now I must find the strength to leave it there.

Its so hard to leave it there.

Psalms 31:24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

Psalms 33:18 But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,

Psalms 33:20 We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.

Psalms 130:5 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.

Psalms 130:7 O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.

Psalms 147:11 the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Isaiah 49:23 Kings will be your foster fathers, and their queens your nursing mothers. They will bow down before you with their faces to the ground; they will lick the dust at your feet. Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.”

Jeremiah 14:22 Do any of the worthless idols of the nations bring rain? Do the skies themselves send down showers? No, it is you, O Lord our God. Therefore our hope is in you, for you are the one who does all this.

Jeremiah 17:13 O Lord, the hope of Israel, all who forsake you will be put to shame. Those who turn away from you will be written in the dust because they have forsaken the Lord, the spring of living water.

Lamentations 3:25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;

Micah 7:7 But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.

1Peter 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,

1Peter 3:15 But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,

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Comments

  1. Sending love and healing your way Heather, I pray that you will find the strength to heal yourself. Keep your thoughts positive. Dont dwell on and question why you are sick but focus on getting well. Sit quitely a little after each time you pray and focus on shrinking the tumour in your mind. Jesus was a great healer and with his love and guidance we can do the same. With everyone around the world praying for you and sending you healing you should be better in no time. Get your children to do the same for you and hug them alot. Do not even allow the thought of not getting well, into your head. Focus on your wellbeing and happiness and leave the rest of the praying to your brothers and sisters in Christ.

  2. Try to take it one day at a time,one hour at a time if need be. God will be there tomorrow , I know it is hard to leave it in his hands. I pray for peace and comfort for your heart and that of your family memebers!

  3. You’ve got voice mail, sweet hurting friend. I’m pulling hard, and walking us both today. So rest, relax and I’ll talk to you soon :) Hugs

  4. I’m praying for your peace this weekend, and for your family, too. I wish I had something more comforting or eloquent to say, but really my praying for you is all I can give. So I’m praying.

  5. Ruthanne (in Seattle) says:

    I had just found your blog Heather, right before you talked about your diagnosis. I also have been reading a blog from a family I know of at our church – he has cancer, and he describes his journey with God in a very thoughtful way – if you would like to, visit “Dancing on the Edge of Heaven” (donvalencia.com). My prayers for you and your family.

  6. Sending lots of prayers your way today. Thank you for sharing specifics as that helps us know how to pray for you and your family.

    And please know that your pain, your vulnerability and your realness is a blessing to many. God is awesome.

    love, Michelle

  7. Heather, you continue to be in my prayers.

  8. I’m praying, too. xxxxxoooooo

  9. Continual thoughts and prayers for you.

  10. Heather, I’m still praying for complete healing and complete and total peace. You’re right to focus on HOPE.

  11. I am praying for you and your family. Just let God carry you through this and focus only on getting well! you have so many, many people praying for you!

  12. You’re in my prayers too. Hugs and blessings.

  13. “Be still and know that I am GOD.”

    It keeps running through my mind as I pray for you, Heather.

    Praying for your “peace that passes all understanding” as you face this.

  14. Heather, I’m praying for you too. Sending HUGS too!

  15. Praying and loving you and your family with His Love.

  16. “I just plain dont want to do this.”

    That is EXACTLY what I would be feeling if I were you!!! And on wonder! Even Jesus didn’t want to go through the agony. None of us wants you to have to endure this. {{{HUGS}}}

  17. Lauri Ann says:

    Dear Heather,

    I want you to know that I have been praying for you ever since I found your site. I have included you in the intentions of my daily Rosary and whenever I think about you during the day. Your strong faith is so inspiring to me. This is the time when you must allow Christ to carry you in His loving arms. Peace and Love to you in this time of trial.

  18. Heather

    Praying for you from Canada too. I am SO glad for you that you have the Lord to sustain you during this very difficult time in your life. Rest in Him, knowing that he holds you and your family in His arms.

    My heart aches for your burdens, but I am comforted by the knowledge that we share a belief in an all-powerful and loving Savior.
    Blessings,
    Karen (in Canada)

  19. i found you through all the links around and have been reading for a few days. i’m amazed by your faith and courage. i am praying for you everytime you come to mind and lately, that’s been a lot.

  20. Checking in every day.
    Praying continually.
    Your SIC,
    Colleen

  21. Heather,

    You don’t know me, but I have been very touched by your story. I wanted you to know that I have been praying for you and your family and I will continue to do so.

    Our God is greater than all of this. I know sometimes that can be hard to see when you are in the midst of all of this. I had a sermon not long ago where our pastor said in the midst of trials to keep saying to ourselves….”He that is in me is GREATER than _______” He’s GREATER.

    Kate

  22. Heather,

    I have hope for what God is going to do through you and in you through all of this. I’m checking in, right before hitting the hay, because the Lord brings you to my mind a dozen times a day. I don’t always know what to pray. Sometimes it is for strength, other times peace. But I always say, “Lord, I give you Heather.” How funny. You are already His!! Isn’t that an amazing thought. Somehow I think I need to give you back to Him, but really it is that He has given you to me. To learn from. To be inspired by. To be challenge in my faith.

    God, O God, continue to work through Heather to show us your grace, your truth, your hope, but Lord, give it to her first and fully.

    Love, my friend,
    Elisa

  23. It’s late there – I’m up if you need to talk. I was afraid to call too late.

    Love you-

  24. I’m sorry, Heather, for ALL that you’re going through. My sister and I were talking the other day and we said it seems out of all the people for this to happen to, it wouldn’t be YOU.

    I’m praying for you that God would give you great strength and be merciful to you.

    It’s so real reading your feelings. My heart hurts so badly for you. May our great God be gracious to you and your family.

  25. Lifting you up in prayer, Heather.

    God is right there, honey – with His arms wrapped around you.

    Keep the faith..

  26. Words fail me, but our Father is unfailing. Standing in spirit beside you.

    Prayers,

    Julie

  27. Lea Margaret says:

    Heather,
    I am a real life friend of Boomama. Stay strong and know that you are in my prayers. You have been through so much and you will get through this! You CAN do it! You are in His grip.

  28. I found myself weeping before God in prayer for you just now, Heather. My “mother’s heart” connected deeply with your feelings as you spoke of the children.

    I am so deeply touched and inspired by your focus on hope. Praying daily for healing.
    Love in Christ,
    ~toni~

  29. Keep casting all your cares upon Him, Heather. He loves you and is your strength. We are continueing to pray for you and stand holding up your arms when you are weary.

  30. Lifting you up to our Abba Father.

  31. Hi Heather

    I am so glad that you are writing your deepest thoughts, and at times feel like a mom reading a diary. I know you will go back and forth, up and down your blog pages. And the scriptures will be the first thing the Holy Spirit will bring to your remembrance. They are life giving little sister and wholy true. Isaiah 26 says You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

    And Phil 4:8,9 says Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me–put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

    Peace is there even with the fear, with the tears, with the whys. That is your strength. Peace I give to you not as the world gives says your Jesus that loves you, Your jesus that will not forsake you, and will not forsake your sweet babies either.

    Today I pray peace for you. Be covered in the Peace of the Lord.
    Because of Jesus, Bobbie

  32. Our Heather,
    I don’t believe that courage is even possible unless there is first fear. Courage is not the absence of fear. I think it’s the going on in spite of the fear. I think it’s ok to be scared. You know you are going to keep walking forward. You know Who is going with you.
    bethanyrae
    thought: even Jesus asked if possible for the cup to be removed from him. (wording?)

  33. Praying for you & adding you to every prayer list I know of!!!

  34. I don’t know you and you don’t know me but you are a dear sister in Christ. I’m crying with you, Heather. My heart aches for you so much. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.

  35. Heather , I just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my prayers and the prayers of my church . I don’t know really what to say that you don’t already know , trust the Lord and His plan . I often find comfort in Psalm 91 . We haven’t met but we are sisters in Christ and I will call out for you to Him . ~ Nikki

  36. Heather~

    I have been trying to think of the “right words to say” to you. Today I came across this during my devotional reading from Beth Moore’s “Praying God’s Word Day by Day”. I hope it encourages you!

    “Sometimes God may prioritize performing a miracle on our hearts and minds over a miracle concerning our circumstances.”

    Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in You, my Lord. I will be joyful in God, my Savior. For You, Lord are my strength. You make my feet like the feet of a deer. You enable me to go on the heights (Hab. 3:17-19). How inconceivable but true that You can take me to heights far exceeding the depths I have known. Father, continue to bring me along so that I can rejoice in my sufferings, because I know suffering produces perseverance (Rom5 5:3).

  37. Oh, Heather, now you’ve made me cry.

    God will never leave you. He will walk with you every step of the way. He will protect and guide your family, always.

    You remain in my prayers!

  38. “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Cor. 4:16-18

    I know it doesn’t feel like it, but compared to Heaven, this brain tumor and all that it may or may not imply IS light and temporary. Through it, God Himself is working something eternal for YOUR good.

    In this case, what is seen is your physical circumstances, what is unseen is the end result, which lies firmly in the hands of the Father.

    You’re right — you don’t have to like your circumstances, the Bible says Jesus “despising the shame” went to the Cross, but you do have to remember that something greater than these troubles is coming! Something beautiful, glorious, eternal, and everlasting that you cannot lose is the end result of whatever is coming.

    I don’t understand how you feel, because I’m not there. I don’t know what it’s like to face death. I don’t know what it’s like for my child to face death as a baby. I don’t know. But Jesus does. His heart is more broken for you than yours is. :) You are right, He is not only with you, He is HOLDING you. And His arms are HUGE.

    One thing I do know: God’s word is TRUE. Compared to it, nothing else is. Cling to the Word of God, and speak it’s words out loud to yourself if you have to in order to keep the fear and lies of the enemy at bay. Those are your Father’s words to you. Lay hold of them.

    I know you already are, but I guess I just want to say something to help in anyway…I hope I have. :)

  39. How raw and honest…I’m praying for you.

  40. Heather, I found your blog through the new forum I just joined (Moms of Grace) and have not officially met you, though ever since I read about your situation, I’ve been praying for you.

    God is obviously doing a mighty work through you dear sister, and you are being such a faithful servant.

    I had brain surgery 8 years ago when I had a pituitary brain tumor removed. It was, amazingly enough, one of the most peaceful times of my life because I was drawn much, much closer to the Lord. He used it for His glory and my family & I learned so much during that particular trial. He IS the Great Physician!

    I’ve thought about you so many times Heather, and you will continue to be in my thoughts, but more importantly in my prayers.

  41. Heather – I’m praying.

  42. I can’t even imagine facing what you are about to face, but God gives us the grace to take each step in places in our path.

    You are loved and prayed for, my sister. Know that beyond any doubts!

  43. Heather,

    I just recently found your blog thru someone else’s. Reading your posts really made me rethink my own situation. We ourselves have had a few setbacks (that to us are huge)but after reading yours my own issues seem almost trivial. I think God brought me to your blog for a reality check. I am praying for your family, and for you. By the way you have the most beautiful family. Your children are adorable and you are beautiful! Your children are lucky to have you. If it is ok I am going to pass your blog onto my christian homeschooling group so that they can also pray for your family.

    Hang in there you have a huge support group here in cyberspace.

    Take Care,
    Jenna

  44. You are bringing me to tears. I’ll continue to pray. Love you.

  45. Praying dear sister in the Lord….praying.

  46. This is exactly what I expected to find out after reading the title . Thanks for informative article

  47. I don’t know if this would work for you or not, but my mom had something called cyberknife on a tumor in her head.

    We explain it as intense, precise radiation.
    If you have good insurance it will be ok, but its expensive.

    good luck and God bless!

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