I know alot of people are out with their families, it is a weekend after all. I’m trying to keep a pretty accurate journal of my feelings, so that my family and I can process this better and so that everyone reading this (family and friends from many locations) will know how to pray for me.
This morning has been hard. Ive cried alot. alot. Ive tried really hard to stay removed from what the future might hold so that I can face it with a clearer head, but then my son came into my room to give me a kiss before his soccer game and the weight on my heart nearly crushed me.
Last night, after I finished my last project for Swank, I sat there and cried. I love my job. I will greatly miss my job. I already do.
As I sat there, I started reading about brain tumors, and the process proceeding the diagnosis. Ive been reading through some of the links you have all sent me regarding other peoples journeys with this, trying hard to focus on those who are believers because the spiritual aspect of this is so large for me. I couldn’t do this without Christ, there is absolutely no way.
To put it lightly- the fear that I said I hadn’t felt yet. I feel it this morning. I feel like I am racing towards our trip to Mayo, yet trying to slow down time in the process. I find myself unknowingly looking at the faces of the people I love a bit longer, especially my children.
Oh how my heart hurts for my children. My ten year old daughter, who has carried the weight of the world on her shoulders already once. My 6 year old son, whose smile lights up my world. And my Emma Grace…. my sweet precious Emma Grace.
I’m clinging to “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death” with everything in me…. but I think today is the first day that I have come to a full realization that I am facing the possibility of death. “I will fear no evil, for my God is with me.”
Yet today, through all of these tears. I fear.
I fear the diagnosis. I fear the word Cancer. I fear the possibility of brain surgery. I fear the effects of radiation.
I fear losing the normalcy of my already abnormal little life.
Its weird, being the personality type that I am, to not be able to do anything. With Emma, I was always able to make sure that her life was protected to the best of my ability. This last week has really shown me that, in the end, it really had little to do with my anal self- and alot to do with God.
It can all change in the blink of an eye.
But I know you hear me, God. I know you know my heart and that you will not leave me through this. You will be beside me through every aspect of this journey.. Please protect my family…. Please soften the blow for them. Please help me realize that strength does not always equal joy- and that it is okay for my joy to be gone sometimes through this experience. Its okay for me to cry and its okay for me to feel helpless- because it reminds me that I need to depend on you. I need to be able to fall at your feet and just wail. My heart is so heavy today. I dont want to walk down this road- I dont want to face all of the possibilities this holds for me. I dont want to die. I dont want my family to have to watch me go through brain surgery and radiation and rehab.
I just plain dont want to do this.
But then I remember the rest of that verse. “For my God is with me, and if my God is with me, who else shall I fear?”
Im clinging to that this morning with every ounce of strength I have… Its taking all the strength I have to place this in your hands. And now I must find the strength to leave it there.
Its so hard to leave it there.
Psalms 31:24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.
Psalms 33:18 But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
Psalms 33:20 We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.
Psalms 130:5 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
Psalms 130:7 O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
Psalms 147:11 the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.
Isaiah 49:23 Kings will be your foster fathers, and their queens your nursing mothers. They will bow down before you with their faces to the ground; they will lick the dust at your feet. Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.”
Jeremiah 14:22 Do any of the worthless idols of the nations bring rain? Do the skies themselves send down showers? No, it is you, O Lord our God. Therefore our hope is in you, for you are the one who does all this.
Jeremiah 17:13 O Lord, the hope of Israel, all who forsake you will be put to shame. Those who turn away from you will be written in the dust because they have forsaken the Lord, the spring of living water.
Lamentations 3:25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
Micah 7:7 But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.
1Peter 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,
1Peter 3:15 But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,