This ones for me…

I know alot of people are out with their families, it is a weekend after all. I’m trying to keep a pretty accurate journal of my feelings, so that my family and I can process this better and so that everyone reading this (family and friends from many locations) will know how to pray for me.

This morning has been hard. Ive cried alot. alot. Ive tried really hard to stay removed from what the future might hold so that I can face it with a clearer head, but then my son came into my room to give me a kiss before his soccer game and the weight on my heart nearly crushed me.

Last night, after I finished my last project for Swank, I sat there and cried. I love my job. I will greatly miss my job. I already do.
As I sat there, I started reading about brain tumors, and the process proceeding the diagnosis. Ive been reading through some of the links you have all sent me regarding other peoples journeys with this, trying hard to focus on those who are believers because the spiritual aspect of this is so large for me. I couldn’t do this without Christ, there is absolutely no way.

To put it lightly- the fear that I said I hadn’t felt yet. I feel it this morning. I feel like I am racing towards our trip to Mayo, yet trying to slow down time in the process. I find myself unknowingly looking at the faces of the people I love a bit longer, especially my children.

Oh how my heart hurts for my children. My ten year old daughter, who has carried the weight of the world on her shoulders already once. My 6 year old son, whose smile lights up my world. And my Emma Grace…. my sweet precious Emma Grace.

I’m clinging to “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death” with everything in me…. but I think today is the first day that I have come to a full realization that I am facing the possibility of death. “I will fear no evil, for my God is with me.”

Yet today, through all of these tears. I fear.

I fear the diagnosis. I fear the word Cancer. I fear the possibility of brain surgery. I fear the effects of radiation.

I fear losing the normalcy of my already abnormal little life.

Its weird, being the personality type that I am, to not be able to do anything. With Emma, I was always able to make sure that her life was protected to the best of my ability. This last week has really shown me that, in the end, it really had little to do with my anal self- and alot to do with God.

It can all change in the blink of an eye.

But I know you hear me, God. I know you know my heart and that you will not leave me through this. You will be beside me through every aspect of this journey.. Please protect my family…. Please soften the blow for them. Please help me realize that strength does not always equal joy- and that it is okay for my joy to be gone sometimes through this experience. Its okay for me to cry and its okay for me to feel helpless- because it reminds me that I need to depend on you. I need to be able to fall at your feet and just wail. My heart is so heavy today. I dont want to walk down this road- I dont want to face all of the possibilities this holds for me. I dont want to die. I dont want my family to have to watch me go through brain surgery and radiation and rehab.

I just plain dont want to do this.

But then I remember the rest of that verse. “For my God is with me, and if my God is with me, who else shall I fear?”

Im clinging to that this morning with every ounce of strength I have… Its taking all the strength I have to place this in your hands. And now I must find the strength to leave it there.

Its so hard to leave it there.

Psalms 31:24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

Psalms 33:18 But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,

Psalms 33:20 We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.

Psalms 130:5 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.

Psalms 130:7 O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.

Psalms 147:11 the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Isaiah 49:23 Kings will be your foster fathers, and their queens your nursing mothers. They will bow down before you with their faces to the ground; they will lick the dust at your feet. Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.”

Jeremiah 14:22 Do any of the worthless idols of the nations bring rain? Do the skies themselves send down showers? No, it is you, O Lord our God. Therefore our hope is in you, for you are the one who does all this.

Jeremiah 17:13 O Lord, the hope of Israel, all who forsake you will be put to shame. Those who turn away from you will be written in the dust because they have forsaken the Lord, the spring of living water.

Lamentations 3:25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;

Micah 7:7 But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.

1Peter 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,

1Peter 3:15 But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,

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Comments

  1. I am here. We are all here. We hear you, and we understand as best we can.Feel our arms surround you with love, Heather. You will never be alone.

  2. Heather, it’s ok to feel the fear, who wouldn’t.
    Just constantly bring that fear to Him. If you have to lay it at His feet every 2 minutes, keep doing it.
    Faith is not denying that it hurts. Faith is acknowledging the hurt and bringing it to the Father.
    You are filled with faith- it shows in your response to the fears.
    I wish I could physically wrap my arms around you hunny, but I can’t – so know that I am praying for you and your family and love you in the Lord. As are so many!

  3. Dear Heather,

    Every verse you quoted is so wonderful and edifying. Cling to them so when times come like this morning, you can trust in those promises. There’s nothing wrong with crying…King David was called “a man after God’s own heart” and when he was pursued and fearing for his life, he felt fear and cried out to God to protect him and give him strength. God will do that for you and I am not only praying that He will heal you but that He’ll give you the strength to bear this for you and your family. How wonderful to have a family that loves loves loves you so much. I’m sure you mean the world to them and your testimony is incredible. Trust in the promises God has given in His Word. His love is never failing, never changing, always constant.

    Sincerely,
    Molly (:

  4. Heather, I don’t even know what link I followed to find you, but I’ve been reading your blog since Wednesday this week. And I’ve been praying for you. It was strange at first to pray for a stranger. But you aren’t a stranger, you are my sister in Christ. I’m sorry for all that you are going through. Here’s a verse that has been ringing in my head all week:
    So do not fear for I am with you; do not fear for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
    It’s been ringing through my brain because I have a great CD called Seeds of Courage. It’s scripture put to music. If you go to my blog, I posted a link this week to hear all of the Seeds music. It’s really great to have God’s word singing through your head. Maybe it will help you. God bless you. I’m still praying and praying and praying. Your sister in Christ, Christine

  5. Heather, we are all here and thinking and praying for you and for your family. Your courage is amazing and your faith is inspiring. Trust in God to be faithful and take care of you and your family.

    It is good that you are allowing yourself to feel all of the emotions coursing through you. You need to work through them, not hide them and bottle them up. And it makes your testimony so much more powerful than if you said ‘I’m fine, God will take care of it all…now worries. Because we are human and we do worry.

    Take care. Feel God’s strength and love filling your heart. Feel his arms wrapped tightly around you. And feel the arms of others who are reading your blog, thinking about you, praying for you, crying with you.

  6. Dearest Heather,
    You have been in my thoughts and prayers as I know in everyones. I had a very dear friend in California go thorough something similar as well as my Aunt.
    I know the Lord is with you through all this and you have so much love and support but it is still hard. You are such a faith filled woman. As I sat here this early morning all I thought of during my prayer time was you and your family. I know that is the way for all your family SIC , and friends . As I prayed these verses came to mind for you.

    The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.” (James 5:16)

    • “Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16)

    “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7)

    “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” (Hebrews 13:8)

    “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1)

    “So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.” (Romans 10:17)

    “For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world – our faith.” (1 John 5:4

    The Lord is with you .

    In his endless love,

    Angel

  7. not sure how I found you. well God knows how I found you and why I am here. I love searching out christian blogs for inspiration. I will lift you up in prayer each day, each hour, at exactly the hour on the dot. So at 9 am, 10 am, 11 am, ect, know that some person out there in Pa is praying for you. I ask that God give you strength and peace to carry on. Let the Lord hold you, guide and you carr you. HUGS.Kandi

  8. Oh Heather. My heart hurts for you. A few months ago, I faced the REMOTE possibility that I might have Carcinoid. I read stuff on the Internet like “average three years to live after first flushing attack” and I had started flushing 9 mos before. I spent weeks waiting on test results, begging God not to have to walk that road, lying in bed at night crying, not for me, but for my kids. I hate to even liken what I went through with what you are going through, because my test came back negative. But I feel like I have just the slightest inkling of what you might be going through right now, and I just want to tell you that it is all valid. You are not compromising your faith in God by being scared or even mad. He wants you to pour out your heart to him, as you are doing. You are feeling what you should be feeling, and I appreciate your willingness to share your heart with us.

    We are all crying with you, and praying for God to perform a miracle. I think of you throughout the day, every day, and pray for you and your family, beseeching God to work mightily in your situation. May he cover you with his love and peace and comfort and hold you in the palm of His hand every step of the way.

  9. Heather,
    Thank you for being so real and honest.
    Please remember today, because you probably know this with a certainty, that when God planned and formed Easton, Elijah and Emma Grace, He knew exactly what Mommy they’d have, and He knew that your arms and your husband’s arms, though not perfect, were perfect for those children. He knew then that you would face this, this week, and that your husband and children and parents would face it. And the same perfect love that knew where He was placing those three miracles in your home, would never stop looking out for their best. So when things get cloudy, and if it gets hard to remember how He’s looking out for you (as He so fully IS), maybe you can focus on the love and knowledge He’s always had concerning those children’s lives. Just another thought that I may not be expressing very well, but that comes from a mother’s heart. He knows how much they love you, He knows how much more entwined in you they are (ever more than that thing could ever be entwined in your brain), and He will not forget what He’s doing in their lives. Just in case it’s easier to see it from a different perspective.

  10. Heather,
    I wanted to share something with you that I heard Sheila Walsh say shortly after we lost the kids. Your verse from Psalm 23 was the exact one she quoted and spoke on, “Even though I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death I will not fear.”

    Here are her thoughts that I have clung to. Remember this….in order for there to be a shadow, there has to be a Light. A shadow is not something in and of itself, it is created by and a product of the Light. Cling to the knowledge that right behind the shadow that feels like it will swallow you whole, there is the Light.

    Love you much,
    dawnz

  11. Just wanted to let you know that I prayed for you this morning – and my main prayer was for continued peace and protection from fear -even before reading your post!

    I admire you already for how you are handling this unknown – and I will continue to pray!

  12. If God is in deed close to the broken-hearted, He is all over you! While I was going through the uncertainty of my disorder and had to sit through months at the Texas Cancer Center being bruised, infused, dripped and poked, I kept a journal. I poured out my heart to God, I printed out e-mail responses from my friends & family and kept them tucked inside. Every day, God was showing His love & His care for me either through His Word or through the prayers of others! Satan is furious when we learn to trust God even when it doesn’t make any kind of sense! I agree with you, the hardest part is the possible impact on those we love. It’s only natural to come face to face with your own mortality, I know that I have, It’s also normal to cry and shake your fist at God. I have done that too! He’s a BIG GOD and he can take all of the hurt, anger and confusion that we feel.

    I am praying for you today Heather!
    Connie in Texas

  13. Heather, it’s okay to cry, let the tears flow. Remember we’re all here, but especially, Jesus is there, and remember at our lowest times, HE carries us. He loves you so.

    Hugs & prayers,
    Bonnie from Grandparents corner

  14. Heather- I’m continuing to pray for you. I admire your absolute faith– many people would be mad at God, but here you are, still feeling confident that God knows best. You are a strong woman, and I know God is with you.

  15. Hey girl, just stopping in to say I love you and will continue to pray for you. My mom is scared for my dad right now, and I will tell you the same thing I told her. Its ok to be scared, it is after all a human emotion, and one that God put in us for a reason. And its ok to cry and not be strong all the time, and to not understand why. We may not always have all the answers, there is only ONE who does all the time. So please, don’t feel like you have to be strong all the time, especially not for all of us! If you need us to hold you up, then thats what all of us will do. I think with all the people praying for you, you don’t ever have to feel like you are facing this on your own! BLESSINGS AND PEACE be with you in spite of your circumstances!

  16. He hears your heart crying out and is there to comfort you and lift you up and walk with you through this.

    And it is all of us that prays.

  17. A Good Friend says:

    Heather

    Don’t be afraid to be be “afraid”. It is because you love others so deeply that you cry for them and fear for them. Your faith and your good heart will carry you through this and it will also sustain your family and friends. Perhaps today is a day for crying, being afraid and praying. You will find courage and power in accepting that you can get through today, tomorrow and the many tomorrows you will have. Let the love and support of your faith and others wrap you in hope, love and strength. There are so many people praying for you and thinking of you every minute since this journey began. Even in the midst of your pain and suffering you give others hope, faith and love.

  18. ((hugs))

  19. Heather,
    Yes, I know exactly how you’re feeling! Reading your words is very challenging for me. Even though I’m 17 months past surgery, hearing your experience drums up what feels to be freshly scabbed wounds from my experience. But yet I know God has called me to minister to people from my experience. As I put in my testimony (on my blog) I feel to be great advice for you… whenever you feel yourself slipping down the slippery slope of looking towards the possibilities, look back to God. Read Scripture, pray, listen to worship music or Scripture tapes. Doctors tried giving me all kinds of medication to help with the “depression” I was experiencing after being told I had cancer. I tried their drugs, and it didn’t help. GOD is the only one who helped. The only time I could get decent sleep is when I had Scripture tapes playing. I can say it wasn’t doctors or drugs that got me through the hard times, it was GOD! You are going through a stormy situation right now. Just as Peter walked on water, God can call you out and have you walking on water too. But what I want to point out is when Peter began to take his eyes off of Christ, and started looking at the storm around him. What happened? He began to sink. Dear Heather, keep your eyes on Christ!!! :0)

  20. As tears fill my eyes my heart aches. My disbelief is turning to anger. Anger at why the evil prosper whild the Saints are persecuted. I’m holding fast to the promise that He will not forsake us. I’m praying for you constantly. There are so many thoughts running through my head. Why? Why? Why? Maybe it will do me good to write on my own blog what I am feeling. I sincerely love you my friend…

  21. Heather remember too that Jesus asked God if it be possible let this cup pass from me. If even Jesus said man I dont know if I want to do this or not then I’d say its pretty safe that we as human people would feel that way too. Everything we go through Jesus already walked those shoes. Thats why He did it so we could relate to Him when we do also. You are so in my thoughts and prayers hunny bun. xoxo melzie

  22. Bless you.

  23. Heather — I will continue to pray for you … frequently — throughout the day. Satan may be “trying” to worm his way in … but you are being covered by hundreds of prayers. Literally. Around the clock. That’s our job.

    Your job is … to rest in the palm of Jesus hand, seek his embrace. Know that he holds your future.

    Blessings of peace and rest be on you, friend.

  24. Dear Heather, I have been praying for you throughout this week, ever since a friend of mine posted a request for prayer for you. I trust the doctors at the Mayo Clinic will be excellent and that all of the physical, financial, logistical, emotional, and spiritual aspects are held lovingly in our Savior’s hands. I do not know whether Mayo uses this, but I heard a commercial on a news radio station yesterday for a particular piece of equipment found at a local hospital. The ad boasted that this product can even remove inoperable brain tumors. Anyhow, here is a link to it; it is called the CyberKnife: http://www.accuray.com/

    Whether anything can be done for the tumor in your brain, I pray much can be done through this crisis for you, for your family, and for the salvation of souls. (I can already see that much already being done through the union of so many in prayer for you and your family… Praise God!)

    God is good… all the time. You are precious in His sight and are fearfully and wonderfully made.

  25. I have a scripture for you. John 9:1-4

    I am a first time commenter here and I have to say, I see His glory shining through in you. Thank you for that.

    Melody took the words right out of my mouth when she said:

    “Heather remember too that Jesus asked God if it be possible let this cup pass from me. If even Jesus said man I dont know if I want to do this or not then I’d say its pretty safe that we as human people would feel that way too. Everything we go through Jesus already walked those shoes. Thats why He did it so we could relate to Him when we do also. You are so in my thoughts and prayers hunny bun. xoxo melzie”

    My prayers will include you and your family.

    Much love and hugs!

    Jody

  26. Heather, Another homeschool blogger mom suggested I write to you because I had major brain tumor surgery last September, followed at the end of the year by 7 weeks of intense radiation because they also found cancer up and down my spine. I didn’t have to think of it all in advance as much as you’re having to do because we discovered it by me passing out one evening after a rough day, and then I was rushed into surgery a day and half later.

    If you decide to check out our site, I recommend you go to its earlier days where my husband wrote excellent commentaries on the Lord’s doing in our lives during the most difficult times. I’m humbled by the difficulty of your situation because our 3 children under 7 are in healthy condition and have never challenged me as much as what you describe. Still, I can relate to what you’re going through and would be happy to chat with you about it if you desire.

    Sorry about the name of my blog site–it wasn’t my idea. 🙂 Blessings to you and your whole family. I’ll start praying for you immediately! -Karen

  27. Sorry–correcting my blog site name.

  28. Isaiah 43:1-3a

    “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by My Name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.”

  29. Found you through Gma’s blog Heather. I don’t even know what to say, the weight you have to bear, but please know I am in Wisconsin praying for you and your family.

    God Bless you~
    Lori

  30. I remember when something horrible happened in my life and I said the same thing…
    “I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS, LORD! NO, NO, NO!”
    I wanted to lay down and kick my feet on the floor and pitch a fit.
    As adults, we can’t do this (at least out where anyone can see! :D)
    And I felt bad…What a rotten child I was for being so rebellious.
    THEN ~ it came to me! As one of the commentors above said, EVEN JESUS felt that way. Jesuus KNOWS how we feel. And the Father TOTALLY understands when we ask..”PLEASE, oh PLEASE, let this cup pass from me!”
    Yet not my will, Father…
    And I felt better, somehow.
    He’s with you, Mark is with you, you have an awesome family and so many prayers are being said for you. And yes, we are crying with you, too!

  31. Heather:

    I haven’t read through each and every comment, so forgive me if this is repetative of someone else’s comment.

    But I have been reminded of a segment in Beth Moore’s Daniel bible study.

    In Session 3 (No Smell of Fire) she discusses 3 different scenarios when people face fiery trials.
    1) We can be delivered from the fire.
    The dividend is that our faith is built
    2) We can be delivered through the fire.
    The dividend is that out faith is refined
    3) We can be delivered by the fire straight into His arms.
    The dividend is that our faith is perfected. And we are made complete.

    I know, based on my readings of your blog for months now, that you have a strong faith, so I know too, that you know the above already.

    And I know it probably doesn’t ease all of the fear.

    But please know that you and your family are completely covered in prayer. And that NO MATTER WHAT, each of you will remain covered in prayer. And the Lord is hearing each and every prayer.

    Blessings and peace,
    Karla

  32. Clinging to God and hanging on every scripture is key. There will be fear and when you go to Him he will love you through your fear and at times it will melt away in his truth.

  33. Blessings and healing prayers sent your way, Heather.

    I read this week,

    “Courage is fear that has said it’s prayers”

    May you find peace and comfort in your heavenly Father’s loving embrace.

    Donna

  34. I’m lifting you in prayer again today Heather.

  35. Heather,

    I first read your story on Wed at homeschool blog awards site. I’m praying for you, our yahoo group (Support4HomeSchool) is praying and I’m putting your button on my blog.

    You are being held before the throne of grace by sisters in all corners of the world.

  36. Debbie told me about your blog. I’m in awe of your faith; and I hope mine is as strong when I face something this scary. I’ve browsed around, reading posts from before this happened, and I just have to pray for you. I can’t not. You’re an amazing woman, and so are all the others I’ve read comments from. They have the words I don’t, but I’m joining them and praying.

  37. Dear Heather,

    My heart goes out to you and your family. I live here in Minnesota and the mayo clinic is the best. Do not let sorrow enter your heart and remember that god is with you no matter what happens. You will be in my prayers.

    Lots of Love,
    Heather

  38. I pray daily. As I was cleaning yesterday I was praying for you, as I was sitting in my car waiting for my son to come out, I was praying for you. Heather I am covering you in prayer.

    Blessings.

  39. Bailey's Leaf says:

    We love you, Heather. Hang in there. We’ve got you and your family covered in prayer. Take a deep breath.

  40. I, too, learned of your blog from Debbie. I am saying lots of prayers for you!

  41. It is good that you are documenting all your feelings. What a testimony you are to so many out there. I am believing for God’s healing power in the next 10 days!! Hallelujah, Amen!!

    Thanks Heather for being so vulnerable and open. We love you and are praying daily/hourly.

  42. MommyMelissa (MOG) says:

    I’m crying right along with you today. I’m adding my hope to yours as it said in so many of the verses that you listed above, and lifting you and your family up to God. Because of Him there is hope for tomorrow.
    hugs and prayers,
    Melissa

  43. I lost my husband 5 years ago. We had a 3 yr old and a 5 yr old. I wasn’t a very strong christian. As I look back over the past 5 years, being a single parent, being a widow, losing the husband that I leaned on to do all things well. I had never paid a bill…
    It was hard, but Jesus and I are so close now. I am so in love with him! He has met every need, above and beyond all expectations. My kids are close, so close to Him. Heaven is very real, very longed for. I wouldn’t change anything. Don’t be afraid, Jesus loves you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, and HE CAN BE TRUSTED. I promise, with all my heart.
    Karen
    Lynchburg VA
    you don’t know me, I’m just a sister in cyberspace.

  44. Greater Works

    I just ran across your blog today for the first time and my heart broke for you…..

    I wanted to share this testimony blog that I’ve started.. God healed me of Lupus about a month ago and since that time I’ve seen him heal about 70 other people. I will be adding more testimonies as people send them to me.

    He is sweeping thought our small town and doing great things. Things that I never thought I would see with my own eyes.

    I’ve seen 2 people with cancer healed, one of them having brain tumors. So please just believe that if God is willing to heal other people, he is also willing to do the same for you……He is a great God!!

    I just wanted this to be an encouragement to you.

    Blessing to you and your family!! I will be praying for you 🙂

  45. When words fail, tears speak…they tell a part of the story nothing else can…they were created by Him…so let them flow, let them take you to His feet, into the arms of your husband and family.

    My heart aches, my prayers continue…

  46. I’m lifting you up in prayer, Heather. Your words are so thought provoking. My heart aches for you, too.

  47. hubbardmom says:

    We are praying for you Heather and all your family. Like Karen from Lynchburg…I am just a cybersister. But we are linked through the love of God…

  48. I John 4:16 “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.”

    I’m reading Joanna Weaver’s “Having a Mary Spirit” and these words brought you go my mind:

    “And yet, when you think about it, the conditions that inspire fear are often the very same conditions needed to inspire faith…For you see, difficulties can’t separate us from God–only fear can…Faith, on the other hand, chooses to believe that ‘God can, God wants to, and God will…so I choose to trust Him with my life.'”

    “Because in the end, faith and fear are mutually exlusive.
    Only one can rule our hearts.
    And only faith offers us the gift of quietness and rest.”

    Conintuing to pray, and hope, and cry with you. May God give you the “gift of quietness and rest”.

  49. Heather – I’m praying for you. I haven’t ever commented on your blog before – although I’ve been praying for Emma Grace. When I heard your news, I just had a hard time processing it all (as I know you surely have).
    We too have been blind-sided by a very difficult diagnosis this past year. I have run the gammit of emotions. I know the Lord can handle our feelings – as ugly as mine have gotten sometimes. And I know He understands our fear.
    Your heart is so pure before Him. I have found that He is everything we need, just when we need it. He has given me a measure of peace I never thought possible. That is not to say the fear doesn’t overwhelm sometimes. I think He understands that too. I just have to get back to that place of absolute trust.
    Please know I am praying for you – joining my heart with so many others. God hears and answers prayer. I know He does.

  50. Thinking of you and your family – and praying fervently. REALLY