I’m at my parents house, sitting on the back porch listening to the loudest woodpecker I have ever heard. Mark and I and the kids stayed the night here last night, after watching movies and talking. It was really nice to be here.
I spent alot of time yesterday researching again. It prepares me for what to ask, but sometimes it scares me to death too. There are so many things running through my mind right now- but the one thing I kept coming back to while reading stories and medical journal entries is this.
I want quality of life- not just quantity.
Its a weird feeling, knowing that I just wrote that. Its a feeling I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around and probably will for quite some time. I am realizing that this is going to be the fight of my life. Not “merely for my life” but for the life of my entire family – its going to be a rough rough road.
That is starting to hit me.
Last night mom and I were looking at my MRI’s trying to get a better understanding of where the tumor is, and how large it is. We researched where it is sitting, and what it effects. I want to go into this meeting with all the knowledge I can cram into my head, so that I can make the best informed decision with the best desired outcome. The tumor is sitting in my left frontal lobe, right next to the falx (the middle divider portion of my brain). It is in the very front and although it isn’t very wide, it is quite deep and long. Last night we (again, my mom and I) made a clay model, so that I could visualize what was really going on- and how much was really there. I wish I could say my first reaction was “wow, that really isn’t that big” but I can say that my first reaction was “It could be alot worse”. And it could. I then colored around the tumor portion of a picture of my MRI so that I could get an understanding of the location with the size.
That made it real, in so many ways.
I am not sure where I am emotionally right now. I know that part of me is ready to just start this process, and get moving on my treatment-whatever that might be. The other part of me wants the next 48 hours to go on and on and on.
I think about my life, and the precious people in it and it reminds me that I can do this. But I will be completely honest, there is not one part of me that wants to do this. There is not one part of me that understands this. There is not one part of me that can rationalize the meaning behind this – at least not today.
I keep thinking that at some point I am going to wake up and that ball in the pit of my stomach is going to be gone, and I am going to find the strength to beat this. I look at the MRI pictures and just shake my head in amazement. That is my head- that is the tumor in my brain. This is my life.
I look at my precious children and crazy, yet very natural thoughts run through my mind. Will I see Easton get married? Will I meet the amazing girl that will fall in love with my son? Will I be here for Emma Grace, and then my heart breaks all over again.
This is not “merely” my life. This is the life of precious precious people who’s hearts and lives are being affected in such real ways, and I am trying to understand why.
Here is the reality of where I am. I am okay if this kills me. I know that my eternity will be spent with an amazing and wonderful savior. My heart breaks when I realize how much this could impact and hurt those that I love. If I stood on medical statistics alone, my husband will be a widower by the time is 50, possibly sooner.
But then I pull my self together and I draw on the knowledge that Only God knows the number of my days. I know that, I believe that, but it doesn’t erase the very real reality that this is going to change our lives in ways we have yet to comprehend. It doesn’t change the fact that I am having quite a few very weak moments right now, and that I am terrified.
Terrified.
There is a very high likelihood that someone will be touching my brain within the next 7 days. There is a possibility that I could die during that procedure. There is a high likelihood that I could never speak again, walk again, remember my children or husband. These issues, even though they aren’t upbeat and inspirational- are very real.
And they are weighing heavy on my heart. The faces of my family are weighing heavy on my heart. The lives of my children are weighing heavy on my heart.
Yet I know that I know that I know that my savior loves me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am His, and I am resting firmly in the palms of his hands. I know that there are going to be days like this- days when I don’t feel like I can do this- but I know He can.
I know that I am not alone, and that even though today my heart breaks- there are so many people there to help me pick the pieces up and who would do anything to put me back together again. Those are the things that get me through this. Those are the things that I am clinging to right now.
I pray that you,
being rooted and established in love,
may have power, together with all the saints
to grasp how wide and long and high and deep
is the love of Christ,
and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-
that you may be filled to the measure
of all the fullness of God
-Eph 3:17-19
Have you read : It’s Unacceptable by Rebecca L. Libutti? It’s an amazing story of Rebecca and how she survived her brain tumor. Prayers for you and your family.
My Dear Heather – I am not sure you know how overwhelming impacting you have been to thousands of people through this “time” in your life. I have leanred soooooooo much. I know at this time that may not mean so much. But I am believing you are going to have an absolutely incredible story to share – one the world will hear. He has used you before, He is using you now, and He will use you again. Why – because you are so trustworthy to Him. Of course we can trust Him, that is a given, but you have proven yourself trustworthy to Him. He knew you would make Him proud, bring Him glory (which is Isaiah that means to give a correct opinion of who He is), and never let Him go! He has you, He has you close.
Oh dear sister in CHrist – thank you.
Heather,
Keep listening to your “balcony people” – the ones who support & cheer you. You are so right to block out the “basement people” – they will do nothing but bring you down.
I am praying that your will find all your answers at the Mayo Clinic. I am praying that you and your husband will find time to hold hands and be close during this storm. I am amazed at your ablity to tackle all the research and to understand all that is swarming around you.
Your faith helps not only you, but all of us too. Thank you, and Bless you.
Heather,
I truly don’t have words but I’m praying and knowing that God will show His grace and you will feel His peace in a very real way as you continue on this journey.
Praying for you and your whole family!
Cheri
Job 11:13-20:
“Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid, and many will court your favor. But the eyes of the wicked will fail, and escape will elude them; their hope will become a dying gasp.”
This is my prayer for you and Mark….
Heather,
Know that I am right there for you if ever you need me. I wish I could go with you and hold your hand through all this. I hope you KNOW this and will call if you need anything! Mark too!
Talk to you soon sis!
LOVE and HUGS to EVERYONE of you! (your parents included!)
i am one of your *balcony folks* throwing you roses and covering you in prayer, even though you don’t know who i am; i am your sister in Christ.
peace be with you.
I have no words, but wanted to say again that I’m praying for you.
Praying that verse over you Heather, especially Heather. The LORD woke me many times last night…I prayed and will continue to. One thing that struck me…the LORD could touch your brain and remove it without any damage…so may He do that, whether it be on His own or through the doctors.
May every single dream and request you make be answered with a Yes, Yes and Amen.
Even though this is the hardest thing you have ever gone through, savor the richness and special times with loved ones that God is sending every moment…I think, dear Heather, I will too, because of you.
In His Joy,
Holly
Oh Heather! Consider me a “balcony” dweller as well. May God sustain you today and may you feel Him ever closer in those moments of fear and desperation. We ARE sisters in Christ, and tho’ we probably will never meet this side of heaven I look forward to hanging out one day with you there.
I love when you said, “I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am His, and I am resting firmly in the palms of his hands. I know that there are going to be days like this- days when I don’t feel like I can do this- but I know He can.”
We can’t; He can. That applies to every area of every day. Thank you for the reminder. I needed that today, dear one.
His strength will give you strength, His arms will carry you when you cannot continue, and His love will lighten your load – I praise God for your strength of character and unwavering faith in our loving God – He knows exactly what will happen at Mayo – He knows every step you will take inside those walls – rest in that Heather, rest in the knowledge that nothing is going to happen that your Father hasn’t already planned! Thank you for continuing to share your story and for giving us ‘updates’ – I too have learnt so much through your faithfulness. Thank you.
Heather,
Please know that you and your family are in my prayers. I think about you so much EVERYDAY and I only started reading your blog about three weeks ago. My father is a pastor and I have been touched by illness in many different ways. Please know that you are being thought of and prayed for several times daily by MANY people throughout the US.
Last night laying in my bed at 1:00am my hubby asked what I was thinking about. I said, “Heather,” and he knew immediately what I was talking about. Even though neither of us have ever met you, you are now a part of my day! Many prayers, many thoughts are for you each day.
I’ll be praying this week for clear vision for doctors and insight and wisdom for you and Mark as you hear what they have to say. And no matter what they say or what the road ahead brings, I pray that this whole experience allows your entire family to long more for your true home and to soak up every second of beauty He gives you in this temporary home.
Another balcony dweller here.
God is good. All the time. And you know it. Don’t waste a minute worrying about tomorrow or next week. God has always provided, hasn’t He? He’ll keep providing for you all. Blessed be His holy Name.
Reading my devotional this morning, I thought of you. Something told me to go right then to your blog and post the verse for you. After reading your entry, I’m so glad I listened! Here is the verse:
“The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my
rock, in him I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my
stronghold” (Psalm 18:2).
You are in my heart and my prayers often. I pray you realize that you literally have supporters and prayer warriors all around the globe–covering you 24 hours in prayer. Most of my prayer time is when you are sleeping–and I pray for restful and peaceful sleep. I’m praying for peace. I’m praying for the doctors to have clear answers and directions. But mostly I pray that you feel God holding you and your family close to His heart–because that is right where you are. Blessings to you…and thank you for allowing us to walk this path with you.
Heather – another balcony sister here (well…a balcony grandma!) I’m covering you and your precious family in prayer. God is s.o.o good. He will guide the hands that minister to you. We don’t know His plans for your life, but rest assured He will hold you tight as you go through this. Lie back and relax in the arms of a loving Saviour. It’s such a comfortable place to be. God Bless you sweet child.
I don’t know you but I’m praying for you and your family. You are in my thoughts often
Praying many prayers.
Oh, oh, oh. I have so much to say, but I can’t really say it all…I don’t have the right to tell you much, since I don’t know you. But you’ve opened your heart to us and I can only do the same for you. I know what the doctors say…I know what your brain has…I know what that MRI shows..but I also know that we walk by faith and not by SIGHT. I know that God’s Word is TRUTH and the devil is the father of LIES. I’m just praying that even though we face the fact that there is a tumor, that it is life-threatening, etc. BUT we consider God faithful to His promises of healing and a long life.
Romans 4:19Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. 20Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.
Heather, please know I’m not telling you this is how you “should” be, I just want you to know that I’m standing this way for you.
(((HUGS))) I’m praying for you. All the time.
a
Heather consider me in the balcony cheering you on too! Even though all those feelings are rushing over you right now and you are overwhelmed (who wouldn’t be) you can do this. “Greater is He that is within you than he that is in the world”.
Your strong faith is very evident. God will uphold you through this and I pray He leads and directs you through this very clearly. You’re in my thoughts and prayers throughout the day.
Heather
Your story resonates strongly for me. You are a wonderful witness for your creator.Reading about your struggles, both in the birth and transplantation of your daughter and now with the diagnosis of your brain tumor has been very moving. As the wife of a heart transplant surgeon, these past 23 years I have heard about and met a lot of courageous individuals who were asked to trust blindly and did so. For many the rewards are great.
Your faith in God is remarkable. You will now be asked to have a similar faith in the medical community. I sense you are finding it hard to trust them equally. Understandably You want the tumor gone. Surgery seems the logical answer. Keep in mind that there will be healthy tissue destroyed surgically as well. Gamma knife radiation is far more precise and less invasive. Be open to the opinions of your medical team and pray that they are guided by the powers that you have such strong faith in. Our thoughts and prayers follow you.
mak
Praying for you. I know God is enough. He has perfect timing. He is your all in all. He is walking with each of your children as they struggle through these waters. He is with your husband. He is enough for each of you.
I dont know the answers but I know God is good. And He is enough.
He is so building a testimony in your life and your family’s life, of His love and His faithfulness, while making you more into His Image. And I can only imagine how you are longing to go back to the life you didn’t even realize was so normal. I’d feel the same way. On days you don’t feel strong, may we be strong in prayer for you. We love you. Praying for protection, healing, assurance and His peace.
((hugs))
weeping for you and your family. praying too
prayed for you early this morning….
>>>Keep listening to your “balcony people†– the ones who support & cheer you. You are so right to block out the “basement people†– they will do nothing but bring you down.
I am praying…
Keep listening to your “balcony people†– the ones who support & cheer you. You are so right to block out the “basement people†– they will do nothing but bring you down
I second that. Heather, you know we are learning from the transparency of your experience, right? And as such, we know you are human. Please don’t ever think you have to be strong for us. It is in the complete transparency of your experience that God is working so incredibly in ALL our lives.
Of course you are terrified. Your heart bleeds for your family and that alone can surely stir such overwhelming feelings. But no matter the outcome (and for the record, I’m praying for victory over and healing of this disease in you),…no matter the outcome, I know that the family of God and your own family and friends would rally around your husband and your children and provide for their needs and support and love them, no matter what.
I’m praying for you and your family as you head to the Mayo Clinic. I pray that you will get specific answers that give you a clear vision of which treatment option to pursue. Feel our prayers for you, Heather. Please tell your dh we’re praying for him as well.
Blessings,
~Toni~
Dear Heather,
Oh, I truly, truly feel for you! It made me cry to read your honest thoughts about your family and how hard this must be for you. I imagine it seems still very surreal. I am praying praying praying for you, your husband and your 3 beautiful kids. I will pray so very hard during your visit to Mayo and that you’ll be calm and able to take in whatever they tell you. This sounds so corny but yes, God is above medicine and heals people everyday while the doctors scratch their heads and say they don’t know how it happened. God will be with you and is with you now. The Ephesians passage you quoted is perfect…the love of Christ is amazing and surpasses all knowledge. When people ask me how much I love my 3 daughters, I’m at a loss for words. It’s that kind of love Christ has for you and I pray that you can feel that throughout this whole ordeal. Best wishes to you and I am thinking and praying for you daily!
Molly (:
Heather, seeing those MRI pictures has made this all the more REAL to me as well. I’ll be honest, I’m terrified for you and your family. And yet, I can’t help but believe that all will be well because God is right there with you, every step of the way.
Your faith is so strong and it inspires me!
As always, you and your family remains in my prayers.
Thank you for keeping us up to date.
I wonder if you’ll find comfort or relief in remembering that Jesus suffered just as you suffer now. What? He wasn’t a mama with babies that needed raising?
Yes, but he worried that His disciples weren’t ready for His departure. He submitted to His cup nonetheless — albeit sweating so profusely that it caused him to bleed.
We see that His disciples fared poorly — scattered — but only for a time! In the end, they were stronger, more productive, more effective for having had the trial.
Take heart, Heather. Keep being strong. Hold fast to you Lord; hide in the shelter of His strong hand. If you have 60 more years or only 20, keep living them well and to the glory of God. It’s all that will matter in 1000 years.
Praying…
Praying, crying, and praying some more. And sending lots of cyber hugs.
I have taken a permanent seat in that balcony, and I ain’t going nowhere!
Thank you for such honest words and emotions. You’re in my pravers
Kristy
I continue to be amazed by your strength and honesty in sharing your story. God is truly working through you. I keep praying for you & your family and also for the doctors who will meet with you and treat you. May God work though them as well.
Hi Heather,
I just want to tell you that you are an amazing woman and I can tell that your faith is unbelievably strong.
My mom was diagnosed with two different types of leukemia in 1997. I had just turned 21, my sister was 17 and my brother was 13. 10 years and one bone marrow transplant later and my mom is doing remarkably well. She credits her positive attitude and faith in God for her recovery. She knew she had to fight the cancer with all her might. Her children were her inspiration. She knew she had to get well for them. This is not to say that she never had days when she was down but they were outweighed by good ones.
I believe that you are being given the strength to make the decisions that are best for you and your family. I pray that you have the knowledge to know what advice should be used and what should be left alone.
You’re in my prayers.
Amy – A fairly new reader to your blog.
“I am okay if this kills me. I know that my eternity will be spent with an amazing and wonderful savior. My heart breaks when I realize how much this could impact and hurt those that I love.” Yes, I’ve been there, felt that. There may be times you can’t stand to look at those you love without crying. It’s okay. It’s because you love them so much. How much more does your Father in heaven love you? :0) My prayers continue to be with you and your family!
~Sharon
Heather – someone sent me a link here and for the past week or so, I’ve just been checking thru RSS and telling myself I’ll read when I have time. And I had time today. And I read…and read. And read some more.
All I can say is that I am praying for you and your family. You have been through way more than anyone should have to deal with. Compared to all you are going through, my problems seem so small in comparison. Your bible verses, your utter faith, they make me see that there’s more to life than my little issues. God’s big issues are there to remind me.
Thank you for sharing your story – and for reminding me to seek God FIRST.
I cried. And then I prayed.
Hello honey. I am keeping you in daily prayers. I too have a brain tumor. Mine is an unoperable pituitary seed tumor. My dr’s missed the small window of time I had for its removal. Let me tell you firsthand THAT GOD IS IN THE BUSINESS OF MIRACLES. You can hear it, you can read but you gotta believe it with your whole heart!I have seen Him move mountains in my life when the drs say those mtns cannot be moved. And the bestest part is that He is no respector of persons! How cool is that! He does for each of us the same. So you just get ready to watch mtns be moved!!! It is awesome!!! Tight hugs.
Praying for you!!!
Praying for you.
A friend FWD me an email this morning. I quickly printed it off for my mirror at home. While reading your post today I thought perhaps I could copy and paste it here as well.
Having a Positive Vision
We produce what we continually keep in front of us. If you keep an image of success in your mind, you’re going to move toward success, but if you see yourself as barely getting by, your marriage get worse, your health going downhill, then most likely your life will gravitate toward those negative situations.
It’s simple truth that you cannot give birth to something you have not first conceived. You must conceive it on the inside through your eyes of faith before it will come to pass on the outside. Your vision, what you see, has tremendous impact in your life. We need to quit allowing our imaginations to keep us beaten down to where we don’t think we can do anything. Instead, let’s start allowing God to use our imaginations to build us up, to help us accomplish our dreams. In other words, keep things in front of you that you want to see come to pass.
Start seeing yourself the way you want to be. You may be in difficulties, you may be struggling, but don’t let image take root. Paint a new picture. Start seeing yourself rising out of your troubles. Start seeing yourself as more than a conqueror.
Change what you are seeing, and you will change what you are producing.
This is for encouragement. There is scripture behind this teaching… can’t remember where it’s found. “Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not yet seen.” That’s a direct quote from the Gospel According To Vicki! =)
You are in my prayers. I am standing in the gap.
Heather, my Sunday School class added you to our prayer wall on Sunday. You will not be forgotten. I’m praying for wisdom and direction for you and your drs.in the coming week. Also for saftety travelling. I read your post about what you are thinking re: your options and surgery. I can completely understand your reasoning; I had actually been thinking the same thing. At least surgery seems pro-active. I remember finding a breast lump when I was early on in my pg with my twins. The drs wanted to “watch it” and I wanted it OUT. I had it removed
I know it’s not the same thing but I can relate to your reasoning. You do whatever you have PEACE about because if God’s in it, you’ll have peace. You are very much loved and cared for and I look forward to reading very soon that you have the answers you need to move forward. God bless you! ~Karen
Praying for you
Heather, I don’t know you, but have so much love and admiration for you! I am praying for a miraculous recovery for you! This post is equally honestly beautiful and terrifying. Know that I stand next to you…also scared….scared but very prayerful to Almighty God for your complete recovery!
Heather,
True, you don’t know who I am. We might never meet in this life, but I am your sister in Christ.
Thank you for being so transparent through all of this. Each person who reads your story will benefit. I have.
You, your family and your friends are in my thoughts and prayers.
“The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; The Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”
- Numbers 6:24-26