I’m at my parents house, sitting on the back porch listening to the loudest woodpecker I have ever heard. Mark and I and the kids stayed the night here last night, after watching movies and talking. It was really nice to be here.
I spent alot of time yesterday researching again. It prepares me for what to ask, but sometimes it scares me to death too. There are so many things running through my mind right now- but the one thing I kept coming back to while reading stories and medical journal entries is this.
I want quality of life- not just quantity.
Its a weird feeling, knowing that I just wrote that. Its a feeling I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around and probably will for quite some time. I am realizing that this is going to be the fight of my life. Not “merely for my life” but for the life of my entire family – its going to be a rough rough road.
That is starting to hit me.
Last night mom and I were looking at my MRI’s trying to get a better understanding of where the tumor is, and how large it is. We researched where it is sitting, and what it effects. I want to go into this meeting with all the knowledge I can cram into my head, so that I can make the best informed decision with the best desired outcome. The tumor is sitting in my left frontal lobe, right next to the falx (the middle divider portion of my brain). It is in the very front and although it isn’t very wide, it is quite deep and long. Last night we (again, my mom and I) made a clay model, so that I could visualize what was really going on- and how much was really there. I wish I could say my first reaction was “wow, that really isn’t that big” but I can say that my first reaction was “It could be alot worse”. And it could. I then colored around the tumor portion of a picture of my MRI so that I could get an understanding of the location with the size.
That made it real, in so many ways.
I am not sure where I am emotionally right now. I know that part of me is ready to just start this process, and get moving on my treatment-whatever that might be. The other part of me wants the next 48 hours to go on and on and on.
I think about my life, and the precious people in it and it reminds me that I can do this. But I will be completely honest, there is not one part of me that wants to do this. There is not one part of me that understands this. There is not one part of me that can rationalize the meaning behind this – at least not today.
I keep thinking that at some point I am going to wake up and that ball in the pit of my stomach is going to be gone, and I am going to find the strength to beat this. I look at the MRI pictures and just shake my head in amazement. That is my head- that is the tumor in my brain. This is my life.
I look at my precious children and crazy, yet very natural thoughts run through my mind. Will I see Easton get married? Will I meet the amazing girl that will fall in love with my son? Will I be here for Emma Grace, and then my heart breaks all over again.
This is not “merely” my life. This is the life of precious precious people who’s hearts and lives are being affected in such real ways, and I am trying to understand why.
Here is the reality of where I am. I am okay if this kills me. I know that my eternity will be spent with an amazing and wonderful savior. My heart breaks when I realize how much this could impact and hurt those that I love. If I stood on medical statistics alone, my husband will be a widower by the time is 50, possibly sooner.
But then I pull my self together and I draw on the knowledge that Only God knows the number of my days. I know that, I believe that, but it doesn’t erase the very real reality that this is going to change our lives in ways we have yet to comprehend. It doesn’t change the fact that I am having quite a few very weak moments right now, and that I am terrified.
Terrified.
There is a very high likelihood that someone will be touching my brain within the next 7 days. There is a possibility that I could die during that procedure. There is a high likelihood that I could never speak again, walk again, remember my children or husband. These issues, even though they aren’t upbeat and inspirational- are very real.
And they are weighing heavy on my heart. The faces of my family are weighing heavy on my heart. The lives of my children are weighing heavy on my heart.
Yet I know that I know that I know that my savior loves me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am His, and I am resting firmly in the palms of his hands. I know that there are going to be days like this- days when I don’t feel like I can do this- but I know He can.
I know that I am not alone, and that even though today my heart breaks- there are so many people there to help me pick the pieces up and who would do anything to put me back together again. Those are the things that get me through this. Those are the things that I am clinging to right now.
I pray that you,
being rooted and established in love,
may have power, together with all the saints
to grasp how wide and long and high and deep
is the love of Christ,
and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-
that you may be filled to the measure
of all the fullness of God
-Eph 3:17-19
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Praying for you all.
Sweet Heather. I have been so praying for you and your family. Your strength is amazing because your strength is in the Lord…when you are weak He is strong.
I also have other scriptures that the Lord has given me for you.
1 I will love You, O LORD, my strength.
2 The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;
My God, my strength, in whom I will trust;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
3 I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised;
So shall I be saved from my enemies.
And who is your enemy but Satan but always remember that Greater is He who is IN YOU, than he who is in the world.
I speak to that tumor in your brain, in the name of Jesus that it has no place in you, no power over you and that it must be gone…whether it leaves as an instant miracle or by the the hands of a surgeon, it is still a miracle from God.
I pray for strength for you husband and children. I pray God bless them abundantly with the peace that surpasses all understanding.
Also, I don’t know if there are “Prayer Rooms” in your area, but they are wonderful places to go to for strength, healing, etc… God is just so good to give us people who take so much joy in praying for others. http://www.healingrooms.com
God Bless You!
I’m going to try hard to keep this short. I lost my mother last year to a brain tumor. We fought 2 long years with it. And I will tell you this most important thing I learned. I would not take back one day. Of course, I wish with all my heart that none of it EVER happened. But it did. And I’m glad that I got as much time with her as I did. So if you have two weeks, two years, or 50 years, enjoy every day of it. Make small moments matter. Enjoy wiping the peanut butter off your child’s face. Enjoy getting your nails done. Enjoy laying next to your husband. ENJOY God, and His life he gave to you.
I don’t know what the future holds for you. But enjoy it. Blessings to you. I know God will take care of you!
Heather,
Thank you for your honesty and revealing your heart. This teaches us how to pray for you and your dear family.
Continuing to lift all of you into his presence.
Who
by Lana G
Who is this groaning in my silence with words I can’t discern?
He seems to know my anguish
His cries are like my own.
He understands my deepest longings
My secrets he’s revealed.
Oh God! He’s speaking for me;
He’s put words to all my pain.
Whose tears are these upon my pillow?
Who’s anointed my head with oil?
Who’s clothed me in this robe so regal?
Who are you and why do you love me so?
Oh Holy Fire!
Oh Holy Flame!
You’re a gift from Christ my Savior.
You’re my Lover; You’re my Friend.
Romans 8:26-27
26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our
weakness. We do not know what we ought to
pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
Heather,
I don’t know you, and you’ve never met me. I came over this morning as a result of a link on my friend T-Lo’s blog. My name is Stacy – I’m a 27 year old Mommy of two lovely girls in Phoenix, AZ. My blog info. should be included somewhere on this post.
I just wanted to let you know that your light is shining so brightly right now – it’s shining into my life, a woman that you don’t know. May God hold you in the palm of His hand – and may the “peace of God, which passes all understanding, guard YOUR heart and mind in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:5-6)
I lead several women’s bible study – we call ourselves the Sisterchicks (BTW, if you ever need some reading just to relax your mind check out the Sisterchicks novels at http://www.sisterchicks.com). I am considering you an honorary Sisterchick and we are going to love on you and pray for you (if that’s OK with you of course) from here on out!
My prayers are with you, Heather. You have put yourself out there – vulnerable, open, and hurting on your blog – and my life is blessed today because of your faith walk.
In His Amazing Grace,
Stacy in Phoenix, AZ
You can beat this! You can beat this! You can beat this! You can beat this! Love you!!! Tamara
Yes, only our Father knows the number of your days. I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I can relate to wanting to be around to watch your children grow and live their lives. That just breaks my heart. It is comforting that God holds them in His mighty hand no matter what. HE will hold you in His mighty hand too.
May He hold you and your family in His hand, and may you feel the peace that only He can offer.
You are in my prayers.
We’re here and we are praying.
Can you feel that? Right there. Right now. That’s me hugging you and letting you know that I have the utmost faith in YOU.
Remember: BUMP in the road. A really big bump, but a bump none the less. You will find your way over it and bask in the happiness that is waiting for you there. You CAN do this. And we will be here cheering you on!
I can’t wait for the time when you will be blogging about the joy you have found having made it over this bump in the road. And you will. I just know it.
I am continuing to pray for you. My youngest son has had brain surgery, twice. His was reconstructive in nature, not cancer related. So, while I can’t begin to know how you are feeling as a woman a wife and a mother, I do know how it feels as a mother to watch your child go through something of such magnitude. Something so scary and so profound. To have to cling to your Savior in a way you’ve not had to before. And to know the sweetness and the terror of that all at the same time.
Many hugs for you and your family as you go about the next few days finding answers and seeking solutions.
Heather, I know in my heart that God will be in the midst of your 7 days at Mayo. You fear the Lord … it is evident in all you say and write, and I know that he will have compassion on you, his child.
“…from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children — with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.”
I love all the goodies we read about in Psalm 103 … If we fear him, he will have compassion on us. He forgives our sins, and heals our diseases. He redeems our life from the pit, and crowns us with love and compassion! Praise God for his crown with the jewels of love and compassion!!!
Heather, he satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. If you’re oppressed, he works righteousness and justice for you. He makes his ways known to us! Aren’t we blessed that He is compassionate and gracious with us … slow to anger and abounding in his love for us — for YOU — his child.
He doesn’t accuse you or stay angry with you, and he doesn’t treat our sins the way they deserve to be treated! Hallelujah!!!
As high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for you, Heather, because you fear him, and as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed your transgressions – he is your father, and he has compassion for you!
Spend the next week praising him, Heather … Focus your time and attention on praising him no matter what you hear, or how you feel, or what people may say. Praise him, and continue to fear him, Heather. He is with you, he will not abandon you. He will hold your hand. We are promised this, and we claim his promises for you!
Psalm 103
Heather, you are allowed to be scared, overwhelmed, weak, for that is when God’s strength is greatest. I am praying for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and allowing us to be prayer warriors for you. It is an honor and a blessing.
We just wanted you to know that half way around the world, we are thanking God for you and praying for your trip to Mayo clinic. We love you and your family. Thank you for taking us on this journey with you. You continue to be an inspiration to us.
Hi Heather
I am praying for you from the other end of the world.
Kay (New Zealand)
Heather,you are a beautiful,strong woman inside and out.You are going to get through this.You have your faith and the support,love and prayers of your family and friends.Hang in there girl.
Hugs and Kisses to you and your Family
Heather,
Thank-you for letting us walk this journey with you. I know it’s hard but please know that you have blessed us so tremendously and that many of us find ourselves in prayer over and over for you all day long. Thank-you.
dawnz:)
Giving hugs, prayers and tears.
My heart goes out to you and your family. Since I know you are most concerned about your family, I wanted to tell you about my experience when my dad died at a young age. I was 20 when he died in a car accident. I had 7 younger siblings at the time, the youngest of whom was only 6.
We were devastated and unsure how we would make it. Oh, it was a sad time. But somehow God upheld us through it all. My siblings are all grown and happy and successful and Christian and serving God with our lives to the best of our ability. God preserved us through that time, just as he will preserve your family through whatever is in your future. I am hoping and praying good things for your future.
Many hugs and prayers.
Mary, mom to many
Hi Heather. I understand the fear, and the sadness. You are allowed to feel the whole gamut of emotions. Like you, I learnt everything I could re the illness that killed my husband.Knowledge is wonderful, but you need faith in abundance to go with it, and you have the most immense faith.
We cannot know what God has in mind for us. We can’t understand either, but he KNOWS. He is in control, and there can be no doubt of His love.
Gibee has got it right. No matter what, praise Him. With every breath you have, praise Him. Tust Him with your life, your love and your family.
I am on that balcony too, praying for you all, and am going nowhere.
Still praying, Heather…
You said, “I keep thinking that at some point I am going to wake up and that ball in the pit of my stomach is going to be gone, and I am going to find the strength to beat this.”
I think that you have the strength. You are fighting. You are hoping. That shows strength. I imagine that the ball in the pit won’t just disappear, but don’t equate that with a sign of weakness.
You are strong, and if you are not He is strong, and many of us are standing alongside you to hold you up.
“..And i will say of the Lord he is my refuge, my fortress, my God, in him i shall trust. surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler. From the perilous pestillance he shall cover you with his feathers and under his wings you SHALL take refuge”
I’m praying for you Heather, Praying for wisdom in your doctors and praying for healing in your life and in the lives of your family.
Our God is bigger, stronger and mightier than any of this. take refuge in him sister
Still praying here too. ((hug))
My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in 1994. She was told that she needed immediate surgery to remove the tumor the size of an orange and that stage 4 meant it was most likely terminal. My parents live by NYC so they made an appt. with Memorial Sloan Kettering. Yes she had the same diagnosis but they had different ideas of what should be done. Today she is 13 years in remission and doing fine. That is why I am glad to hear you are going to Mayo. They are the big guns in this kind of thing. Boy what a different ending this might of been. If not for the knowledge and some medications at the time that were not approved by the FDA, but could be used by Sloan in trials, I am not sure what would of happened. I pray you have similar experience.
That fear is so very real- hand it to the Lord, He will carry it for you. Just keep telling yourself that you are in His hands, over and over. He will sustain you, no matter what happens. Still praying……
Lots of Love… Hugs and Prayers…
You have to pass by the thorns to get to the rose, When you prick yourself, remember,you are on the path to fragrance and beauty.
And we know that all things work together for the good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28
Heather there are no words right now. Know that we weep with you and pray for you. Know that the tears of the Savior mingle with yours. He knows; He understands; He loves you. We have walked this path too; we are walking it now. Our hearts are united with yours in prayer.
I like the term “balcony people” so much better than lurker – which is what I’ve been doing for a couple weeks. By accident? Heavens no! By divine providence that Amanda posted a link on the LPM blog to BooMama and through BooMama I found you. I wonder how many others have found you in this way Heather, exactly the way God planned it, so that you would be upheld in prayer by people all over the world as you face this trial. He is working – He has a purpose – You are surrounded and upheld!
“Therefore we do not lose heart.
Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.” Proverbs 3:5-8
I obviously can’t promise that quoting this last verse = automatic miraculous physical healing, but I thought it was encouraging. Ask the Lord if there’s something here for you.
Anyway, I couldn’t really think of anything to say, so I thought God’s words might do better.
Praying for you.
Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but HE is strong!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
For the Bible tells me so!
Isaiah 41:10
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
My prayers are will you!
De-lurking to say that someone else is praying for you. I just found your blog recently, and I have had you on my heart and mind ever since. Just keep trusting in God!
You are doing GREAT!!
Just found your website and like many, am inspired by your strong faith. He will carry you through this.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Yes…you must forcus on the positive, not the negative. It’s shocking to me that there would be ANY negative comments. I was floored by that (she says shaking her head, sadly). Hugs…
You’ve got me in tears now. I’m pulling for you!
To lovely Heather,
youv’e been in my life for about 3 days after a friend encouraged me to read your blog and you haven’t been far from my thoughts since. We are sisters in Christ and even though we’ve never met we are bound in love through Him. So there are questions I wish I had the answers to for you, there are situations I wish I could help with, there are feeling you are going through that I can’t even imagine but OUR GOD CAN! Ephesians 3:20
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us!” God is in control, He really is! Isn’t he amazing? Much love and every blessing to you and your family, Dellie
http://www.peteanddel.blogspot.com
Dear Heather,
I have been coming to your blog on and off since learning of your tumor. I just wanted to tell you that God brings you to my mind so often and I pray for you every time. I pray that your trip to Mayo will be amazing and that you are home with your dear ones soon! With love, your sister in Jesus,
Lisa
Praise God for the Good EEG report. I think part of the reason I am drawn to your family is because we have so much in common. Next month I will be 31. I have a 7 year old son. My father is a Pastor. We are Christians, etc… However, your ability to see through the clouds and focus on the positive is so inspirational. I am so thankful that you and your family knopw Christ. He will, without a doubt, be your rock and Savior through this all. I will pray for you without ceasing. I praise God for you touching my life and I strive to be more like you. What a TRUE reflection you are of what the Lord can do for you when you accept Him into your heart. We LOVE you HEATHER and your FAMILY. Please let everyone know you are NOT alone.
I TOTALLY appreciate you writing sooo honestly on your blog. My husband is a pastor and, unfortunately, we’ve had a few church members get brain tumors (and live successfully, I might add!!!!) but NOT ONE of them ever shared their heart like this!! THANK YOU for sharing and being so very open!!
Cling to The Rock!!!!
His,
Shari
(Mrs. U)
Heather,
I know this sounds trite, but you are in my prayers. I’m a new reader, and have been blown away by your testimonies and your faith. May the Lord bless and keep you and all those you hold dear. And, Lord, my heart’s desire is a miracle for Heather. I pray that you would bring this woman to perfect health if it be Your will. I pray that all future MRIs will be shockingly blank in the frontal lobe (except for what’s SUPPOSED to be there–LOL). In Jesus’ name–amen.
Praying.
Believing.
Trusting.
Hoping.
Surrounding you and your family.
Emmanuel.
I know I am just stoppng by,,,, and I also know that what my heart is saying to tell you seems so silly. BUT I would like to join with you in KNOWING that GOD has it all in HIS hands and you are just to ENJOY your family. Love them share your feeling and tell them you know GOD IS GOOD!!!! (((HUGS)))
I’m fasting and praying and weeping and hoping and trusting…
Hi Heather,
I’ve been reading and praying for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your heart and for sharing Jesus. You are impacting the world in amazing ways by your willingness to simply share your heart.
I’ll continue to pray for you and your family.
Paulla
I am crying. I am praying. I just can’t believe this is really happening! But you know – I bet you are going to bearound for decades and decades and decades and probably outlive a ton of us!!! AND you will REALLY live those years and not let them just slip past unnoticed.
H -
God knew you were going to have to go through these circumstances….He knew and He gave you precious children and a loving husband to support and love you….draw strength from them….talk to them…show them your anger, your fear….it will open up so much growth for your family….We talked about memorizing verses with the Youth in Sunday School this Sunday. How precious it is that when things happen a verse can pop into your mind and give you peace. God is smiling down on you girl – He is so proud of you and your life, your kids. He looks at you and sees that tumor and loves that you are using it for His glory….He sees you as blameless and pure, as holy and perfect…even though it is hard to see ourselves like that….Count this as a joy my sister…that you have this to add to your Christian testamony….
Love you up to Heaven –
Meg
Heather, I know that you have so much to do and you are leaving tomorrow, but wanted you to know that I am praying that God will be all of the senses of all the doctors that you see, that they will be divinely inspired by Him. I also wanted you to know that the way that you write about handling this situation is so awesome. How happy Jesus must be, seeing you setting an example for all of us to follow, even your children. Your writings have led me to do this….live like I am dying, because, you know, we all are dying. All of these interruptions in our lives are not interruptions, but opportunities to act Christ-like. And, I need to do better. Thanks for sharing so that I could see.
Dear Heather,
You don’t know me, and I don’t know you either (personally). I got here through Chris (Notes from the Trenches). Your story touched my heart in ways that I cannot even begin to explain. I’ve been praying for you, and I wish your exams and treatment go well. Keep your spirit up!!
Un abrazo (hugs), Carola (an internet friend, from Chile)
Said a prayer for you!
Heather- I feel so blessed to have found you thru BooMama- Your strength is such an inspiration to me- I have prayed and prayed for you and your family. God is good and he works in mysterious ways- Your life has blessed so many of us internets it is amazing!
My prayers continue daily.
Stay strong- you are loved!
Heather,
I’m just sitting here in awe of the grace of God in your life. What an absolutely amazing testimony. Wow. May the Lord be gracious unto you and keep you.
love,
sarah
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