I woke up this morning and that pit, the one I told you guys about so many times in the past, wasn’t there. Now that is not to say that it wont come back, but this morning, I had to remind myself of its presence instead of it doing that for me.
Situations like this really change a person- they change your perspective. Things that I once thought were so important to me, I am realizing really aren’t anymore. Being told that you could die has a way of knocking you on your back while at the same time forcing you to get up and start living. Really living.
I wrote a long post about a week ago that I never put up, called “Protect my Perspective”. Satan was having a field day with my fears and insecurities. He had wiggled and manipulated his way into the core of my heart- and I was struggling with my Perspective. I was struggling with who I knew myself to be, in Christ.
Yesterday I realized how insignificant those fears were- how insignificant my insecurities have been, because at the end of the day- even if no one else knows my heart or knows my intentions- Christ does. I have been given the full power to rest in my security in Him, yet for about 3 days- I didn’t. I listened to those voices around me, I stressed over insignificant things. I worried over opinions that I cant change, even if I wanted to. I let Satan in.
Then I read your comments about how “amazing” and “strong” and “inspirational” I am, and I smile, because in reality I am no different than you. Its great to hear those things, I won’t deny that- but the truth is I had a horrible horrible thing placed in front of me, for the second time in my 32 years, and I had to face it. I, just like with Emma Grace, didn’t have any other option but to walk through this. The amazing, strong and inspirational part of my story is due to Christ alone. He alone carried me through this with Grace, and continues to do so. If I had to walk through this without Him, there would be so much anger and hate in my posts- because my heart without Him is nothing short of disgusting.
Anger, bitterness, and hatred are Satan’s tools. They steal the hope that has been given to us at such a huge price. There are people that I haven’t been able to pray for in years, yet I find myself praying for them now- even in the midst of this, Christ alone gives me that strength. He reminds me that His love is not just for those I deem worthy, because I am so unworthy myself. His love is far reaching, it is all compassing, and in all honesty it is completely undeserved by any of us.
I guess what I am trying to say, and failing at miserably at is this. Let it go. Embrace Christ’s promise to never leave or forsake you and remember that He, in His darkest hour, asked that God take the cup from his hand. But God didn’t. And Christ continued to walk the path that he knew would lead to his death. Some relationships will never heal. Some hurts will never subside. Yet Christ’s love is sufficient to mend what we cant. He will not leave you, especially in your darkest hour.
Don’t let Satan in. That is one of the many things I have learned in the last 7 days. Whenever I feel that pull of anger towards someone, I pray for them. Whenever my heart feels bitter about something, I lay it at His feet.
Because, hear me very clearly, life can change in the blink of an eye. In the end, our entitlement means nothing. Our anger means nothing. Our bitterness means nothing.
Our testimony is all we will leave behind.
Prayers for today:
We meet with our anesthesiologist this morning, I am not a very fun patient coming out of surgery