I am about to jump in the shower and get ready for my doctor filled day. I had my quiet time this morning and read something that I want to put on here so I can look back to it in the days to come, and so it can hopefully touch someone out there. (later in the post)
Yesterday my post was full of strength, and while that strength is still very much in my spirit- moments like this morning I really get sad thinking about this thing growing in my head (she needs a name). I think about everything it threatens to take from me. I think about the location is it is sitting, silently waiting to destroy my speech and my cognitive thinking. I think about the future, a future I so desperately want to have with my family and my children. While driving to Dr. Cassidy’s (neurosurgeon) yesterday, I was looking out the window trying to find things that I hadn’t paid much attention to before. Its really earth shattering to know that it can all be taken away from you in a blink of an eye. I told Mark last night that it just seems so different than when we were told Emma was going to die- I seem so much more removed from it at times than I was then. He was pretty smart in his answer- he said its because this time it is Me. This time I am the one who feels helpless, because this time I am the one who needs the advocate and the support. He said that for him, the feelings are exactly the same as they were with Emma’s diagnosis, sometimes even stronger because I am his wife- the mother of his children- he has struggled so much with the thought of raising 3 children (well 27 if you think of all Emma’s precious little body entails) alone.
Ive struggled with this too. The thought of being taken from this earth before my children has caused me to raise my hands in the air and scream (trust me, ask the neighbors). Mark and I laughed yesterday- we’ve laughed alot about this amidst the tears- He always looks at me, takes my hand and says “What are the odds”. What are the odds that a family would have a child with an extremely rare heart defect (60 in the world) who would survive a severe mitochondrial myopathy, require a heart transplant and be diagnosed with autism- oh, and her mom has an inoperable brain tumor. What are the odds? I laughed and said “We better get a pretty big house out of this ordeal!” I know we have been through more than the average person- I also know that our steps were planned long before there was time. I don’t believe in Karma- there, I said it. My God is bigger than that. Anyone who could think that a mother deserves a brain tumor and a child deserves what Emma Grace has been through is very sick and has no place in my life. Satan uses tools for harm- you will not harm me. You will not steal my joy. You will not take from me what small amount of Peace I have in such a horrible horrible situation. You will not.
I have traveled many emotions the last 2 days. Joy, fear, anger, regret, and I will travel them all about 300 more times before this is over. I know that. When I read the following this morning, I sat on my couch and thought “You are so good God, you are so very good”.
Crossing Over Our Jordons River
We dont know when God will get us over the river. We don’t know how God will dry the riverbed and allow us to cross. But we do know, by faith, that he will act on our behalf. And while we wait, we remember.
We remmeber our Red Seas, the places where God has parted the waters for us, the impossible places where God came through and the Enemy was defeated
We remember who brought us through.
We remember whose we are. We belong to Christ!
We remember that God’s delays are not delays of inactivity, but of preparation. He delays, but he does not deny. While we wait He prepares us for His answer according to His perfect, preordained plan.
We remember and link up with like-minded, stronger people who are going in the same direction. We cant afford to attempt the waters of Jordan alone.
We remember to tell our children, and our children’s children that they may see the mighty hand of God and take courage for the rivers they will have to cross. They piggyback on our faith when we share the stories of God’s mighty acts in our lives.
We remember to offer encouragement for our friends who walk beside us along the way.
Today, Again. I remember I am not alone.