I keep asking myself if I am in denial. I really have no “OH MY GOD, I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR” emotions right now, as weird as that may sound. I am sad for my family, as I know their hearts are hurting so very much. Tonight is the first time I have heard my husband laugh (he was watching King Ralph, oddly enough) since Tuesday evening. I cried in the bedroom while he thought I was sleeping, it was good to hear him laugh again. I’ve been thinking all day about this, why am I not overwhelmed and completely off my rocker with fear and sadness?
I want to share my heart in regards to that fact. Walking through Emma’s journey the last 5 years, I have learned so much. I have learned that every emotion has its place, yet at the end of that emotion, God still sits on the same throne. I read over at GiBee’s how God doesn’t take coffee breaks- He was on his throne when I received the call on Tuesday at 5:30pm regarding the mass in my brain, and He will remain on that same throne until my last breath is drawn. I am not saying that I am not sad- I am very sad regarding what our family is going through- I am just not overwhelmed with grief.
I remember sitting next to Emma’s bed when she was in ICU last January. That is a fear I will never forget- the fear of losing her sends me into a bawling fit. Anytime any one of my children hurt, my heart breaks. The thought of losing one of them, I seriously do not know what I would do. I hurt right now because this mass threatens to take precious years from my life- years of memories of my family, husband and children. That is what makes me sad.
But I cant honestly say that I am afraid.
I sat in the ENT’s office this afternoon and listened to this doctor, who just yesterday told me that there was no way my dizziness was inner ear related, that it had to be related to the brain tumor, completely change his story- and what a story he told, unknowingly. Today, every test proved that I have had serious damage to my inner ear by a virus (probably from when I was in Chicago in January). The amazing thing about that knowledge is a) it is treatable b) had I not had this virus, had my inner ear not be damaged, I would not have gone to my doctor, I would not have had the MRI. I would have no clue that I had a brain tumor.
I would have no clue. You can not tell me that God didn’t have his hands all over that…
Then when you take into account that we have only known about this tumor for a little over 48 hours, and you look at the amazing things that have happened in those 48 hours- I have an appointment at the #1 ranked neurosurgery hospital in the country people! A feat that takes upwards of 6-8 months normally. You cannot tell me that God didn’t have his hands all over that….
I am sure I will walk through the valley, I am sure I will be sad, and part of me is still very removed from this- it is still very very fresh and I still feel as if it is happening to someone else… but at the same time- I do not fear what my future holds. I cant. I cant spend the energy anticipating the next horrible event.
I am choosing to anticipate the next great provision. Whatever provision that may be. I am choosing to believe that no matter what- even if God calls me home tonight in my sleep- He never stepped off His throne.
He simply brought me closer to it.