Thursday is getting closer, and even though I sometimes find myself enveloped in fear, I also find that the closer the day gets- the more peace I find. I have fears about this procedure, I fear losing function on my right side, I fear not being able to speak or sing, I fear losing who I am personality wise, I fear alot of things.
But I do not fear death.
The song “I can only imagine came on the radio yesterday and I can honestly tell you that this song means so much more to me today than it did 2 weeks ago. Surrounded by His glory, what will my heart feel… will I dance before you Jesus or in awe of you stand still… will I stand in your presence or to my knee’s will I fall…. Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all, I can only imagine…
There are things that you talk about with your spouse that you would never talk about with anyone else in times like this. Not because they are so personal and private, but because they are so amazingly honest. Mark and I were talking about the risks of the procedure- death being one of them; He looked me square in the eyes and said “If you die, I will be so angry”, he paused and then said “because you will get to see Christ before me”. Having a husband who truly gets it- truly understands what this is about is so wonderful. This isn’t about me- never was.
Last night while we were coming up the elevator, he asked how I was feeling- and I told him that I was nervous. And I am. But at this point I have no control over what Thursday holds for me. I can cry and flip out and waste these next 48 hours on what ifs and fear, or I can enjoy them knowing that whatever the outcome on Thursday- I lived my life to fullest. I laughed, I loved so very deeply, and more than anything I tried to share Christs love at every opportunity these last 3 weeks. Come Thursday, all I can do is lay my antibacterial washed head down on that table and find peace in the knowledge whatever happens at the end of the day-
He’s already there.
My parents are flying in this afternoon, along with Emma Grace. I miss my kids so terribly. We debated having Elijah and Easton come, but it just didn’t seem fair to disrupt their lives again. They needed the normalcy, and hospitals and waiting rooms would only stress them out more. Seeing me after surgery would only stress them out more. Easton especially needed to be removed from this, short of phone calls and post cards. I know that alot of people disagreed with that decision, but it is one that I and Mark strongly felt was appropriate. My older kids have already been through too much, they have seen too much, and lived through too much. They don’t need to see their mom the way that I will be after this surgery. They need to see me well and moving. That is my motivation. I want to be able to walk into my house and wrap my arms around my children and not skip a beat.
It will, however mean so much to me to be able to wrap my arms around Emma Grace before I go in. Not because she is more important, but because she is less aware. My arms long for my children, and having at least one of them here for me to physically hold will do my heart such good.
I am blessed, as hard as it is for us (and some of you) to see that sometimes- Mark and I are so very blessed.
My prayer for every single person reading this is that you find the peace that floods over me. That you realize that there is a God who loves you so very much, and wants so badly to have a personal relationship with you. I pray that my story touches you and draws you closer to him in ways that you never thought possible. I pray that you hold your children a little tighter, and love your husband a little deeper. I pray that you hold your parents closer and realize that in the end- everything else is meaningless. Christs love for you is so immense and so encompassing. I have been asked so many times how I can believe in a God who brought this into my life- who threatens to take my children’s mother away and my husbands wife away.
I stand before you today and tell you that my tumor is not God’s punishment. My daughters terminal illness and autism and failing heart are not Gods punishment. My life is a living testimony of his grace and love. The 5 years that I have spent with this amazing child, who every doctor told me would be dead by now, is a testimony of His grace and love. Finding this tumor from an inner ear infection is a testimony of His grace and love. Being so young, and without any symptoms from such a large tumor is a testimony of His grace and love. Having 32 years of life is a testimony of His grace and love.
Its all in how you face it, I cant stress that enough. Every trial and every hardship that has walked into Mark and I’s life has been faced with hope and peace. There have been moments we have asked “Why Us” but honestly, there are more times that we have asked “Why not us”.
Bad things are going to happen. Its inevitable. Facing them with hope and power makes the journey so much more possible. Facing the pain knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that my future is secure, and my eternity is claimed- that is an indescribable feeling.
I pray that you seek diligently after that feeling. If you do not have a personal relationship with Christ, it is my prayer that you are so touched by our story that you find yourself wanting to know more about this amazing relationship I have with my God.
Seek Him. He is so much closer than you think.
Can you imagine?
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