Thursday is getting closer, and even though I sometimes find myself enveloped in fear, I also find that the closer the day gets- the more peace I find. I have fears about this procedure, I fear losing function on my right side, I fear not being able to speak or sing, I fear losing who I am personality wise, I fear alot of things.
But I do not fear death.
The song “I can only imagine came on the radio yesterday and I can honestly tell you that this song means so much more to me today than it did 2 weeks ago. Surrounded by His glory, what will my heart feel… will I dance before you Jesus or in awe of you stand still… will I stand in your presence or to my knee’s will I fall…. Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all, I can only imagine…
There are things that you talk about with your spouse that you would never talk about with anyone else in times like this. Not because they are so personal and private, but because they are so amazingly honest. Mark and I were talking about the risks of the procedure- death being one of them; He looked me square in the eyes and said “If you die, I will be so angry”, he paused and then said “because you will get to see Christ before me”. Having a husband who truly gets it- truly understands what this is about is so wonderful. This isn’t about me- never was.
Last night while we were coming up the elevator, he asked how I was feeling- and I told him that I was nervous. And I am. But at this point I have no control over what Thursday holds for me. I can cry and flip out and waste these next 48 hours on what ifs and fear, or I can enjoy them knowing that whatever the outcome on Thursday- I lived my life to fullest. I laughed, I loved so very deeply, and more than anything I tried to share Christs love at every opportunity these last 3 weeks. Come Thursday, all I can do is lay my antibacterial washed head down on that table and find peace in the knowledge whatever happens at the end of the day-
He’s already there.
My parents are flying in this afternoon, along with Emma Grace. I miss my kids so terribly. We debated having Elijah and Easton come, but it just didn’t seem fair to disrupt their lives again. They needed the normalcy, and hospitals and waiting rooms would only stress them out more. Seeing me after surgery would only stress them out more. Easton especially needed to be removed from this, short of phone calls and post cards. I know that alot of people disagreed with that decision, but it is one that I and Mark strongly felt was appropriate. My older kids have already been through too much, they have seen too much, and lived through too much. They don’t need to see their mom the way that I will be after this surgery. They need to see me well and moving. That is my motivation. I want to be able to walk into my house and wrap my arms around my children and not skip a beat.
It will, however mean so much to me to be able to wrap my arms around Emma Grace before I go in. Not because she is more important, but because she is less aware. My arms long for my children, and having at least one of them here for me to physically hold will do my heart such good.
I am blessed, as hard as it is for us (and some of you) to see that sometimes- Mark and I are so very blessed.
My prayer for every single person reading this is that you find the peace that floods over me. That you realize that there is a God who loves you so very much, and wants so badly to have a personal relationship with you. I pray that my story touches you and draws you closer to him in ways that you never thought possible. I pray that you hold your children a little tighter, and love your husband a little deeper. I pray that you hold your parents closer and realize that in the end- everything else is meaningless. Christs love for you is so immense and so encompassing. I have been asked so many times how I can believe in a God who brought this into my life- who threatens to take my children’s mother away and my husbands wife away.
I stand before you today and tell you that my tumor is not God’s punishment. My daughters terminal illness and autism and failing heart are not Gods punishment. My life is a living testimony of his grace and love. The 5 years that I have spent with this amazing child, who every doctor told me would be dead by now, is a testimony of His grace and love. Finding this tumor from an inner ear infection is a testimony of His grace and love. Being so young, and without any symptoms from such a large tumor is a testimony of His grace and love. Having 32 years of life is a testimony of His grace and love.
Its all in how you face it, I cant stress that enough. Every trial and every hardship that has walked into Mark and I’s life has been faced with hope and peace. There have been moments we have asked “Why Us” but honestly, there are more times that we have asked “Why not us”.
Bad things are going to happen. Its inevitable. Facing them with hope and power makes the journey so much more possible. Facing the pain knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that my future is secure, and my eternity is claimed- that is an indescribable feeling.
I pray that you seek diligently after that feeling. If you do not have a personal relationship with Christ, it is my prayer that you are so touched by our story that you find yourself wanting to know more about this amazing relationship I have with my God.
Seek Him. He is so much closer than you think.
Can you imagine?
If you would like to know more about how to become a Christian, please read this page. If you need someone to talk to, please use my contact form and I will make sure that someone talks to you personally.
Beautiful Heather, just beautiful.
You are a beautiful lady, yourself; and more so, in Him!
Blessings!
Amen. My prayers will be with you and your family.
Morning Heather! Just wanted to say that I’m keeping you in thoughts and prayer. A lot.
I can only imagine.
Thank you.
((hugs))
(((Mark and Heather))) We Love you guys!!
Our whole family has been blessed with Christs love, and he has always been there for us all.
We wish we could be there with you. We are here if you need anything! Praying for you all!
Talk to you soon!
(Cathy and Jeff George)
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:19-23
Heather,
I’ve never left a comment before, but I’ve been reading your website for about a week. You are a beautiful testimony to Christ. You are showing his strength in your weakness, and it makes me want to be a better Christian. You are an inspiration to me. I am praying for you, and I will ask my church to pray for you, too.
Love,
Rachel
Heather – I have a question I would love for you to blog about. In a very weird kind of way, Believing God kind of speaking, you are extremely special to have your days numbered in such of a way. To know that you may only have a certain amount of years left on this earth after you come through the surgery with flying colors!! Please understand I am not trying to be disrespectful at all to your illness. I am Believing God He will see yout thru the surgery wonderfully!!! But after…
So if you are able, tell us what you want to do knowing your have a certain number of years left on this earth? Will you keep working? Will you travel? Will you minister? Will you spend? Will you save harder? Will you go to church even more often? Will tape things for your kids? Will you forgive faster? Will you not worry about calories?
We are really all in the same position only you have a bit more of a specific time line…
I would love to know your response??? Feel free to be selfish for a moment and tell us honestly that you want to eat a Snickers everyday – I would!!! Or whatever it may be for you! Please delete if needed…hoping to get you looking ahead!
Praying for you and your family. God Bless You all. He has you firmly in His hand.
God is good even in the tough times. The times are tough and scary, but God is faithful, good and in charge. Praise God for the hope on which you can cling these next several days.
Praying for you, your family, and the doctors.
Sandy
Heather -
In my regular morning blog-reading, I read yours and a few others. I just found this post on another of my favorite blogs and thought you’d like to see it.
http://pasturescott.org/2007/05/01/cancer-versus-easter/
I’m praying for you.
Mandy
I’m in tears.
Heather, you truly are such a beautiful woman and I thank you so much for the words you have given us over the past few weeks. When your world was falling apart you took that time when people would push everyone away and turned it back and gave us all something to think about.
I’ll be praying for you over the next few days. For all of you.
I went to sleep last night thinking of you and praying for you. I woke up this morning thinking of you and praying for you. And your beloved family.
It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, as you know. And you never need apologize for the decisions you make regarding your own treatment, your children, they way you choose to live your life. If we don’t get it…that’s our problem.
I can see that you ARE blessed. And I believe you are correct in that it is about HOW we live our life and WHAT and WHO we believe. For some reason, God has chosen You to go thru this and to share it was us. It is such a testimony from Him. That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t selfishly want you to be HEALED COMPLETELY and WHOLLY. I want to have the tears running down my face (and maybe even have the “ugly cry”) as I read about you walking into your home after this and embracing your sweet darlings and telling them clearly how much you missed them and love them. I’m looking forward to that ugly cry
Thinking about ya today.
Susan
I have to admit… I’m still praying for the shocked faces of doctors at the sight of a completely healed tumor… I’m on the list for the prayer chain for Thursday… but I (along with others) are fervently praying for the tumor to be gone before then!
Lovingly,
Amy
You are such an inspiration.
Heather, please don’t feel that you have to justify your decisions (about you two oldest) to us…you know your family best and you make decisions based on what is right for them. I guess people will always have a tendancy to make judgements, but most likely just as many would say negative things about them seeing you as there are folks who think it is wrong not to have them there.
You have given control over to God and he is not going to let you down. I pray that your peace continues to be directly from God and way beyond your understanding. I pray that your fear, pain, and any other side effects are minimal…even non-existent (I don’t want to put God in a box!).
Don’t worry about your personality…you will be exactly whom God wants you to be! Our prayers are with you. Thanks for the blessings you share with us.
Susan
Heather: I am praying for you and your family. I know how hard this is, because I went through it 2 1/2 years ago. In fact, when you are in surgery on Thursday, I will be having an MRI & seeing my neurosurgeon to find out if I have a second brain tumor. I’ve had symptoms of one for 8 months now — the same symptoms I had last time. Everything you say is so real to me, because I’ve been there and had all the same feelings. I know God will bless you for praising Him in the midst of this trial. He can use you to reach people as you show forth his great love. I am so happy that you do not fear dying. I didn’t either, because I knew I would be in heaven with my dear Jesus. It makes such a difference — the hope we have in Christ. God bless you! I look forward to reading about a successful surgery. Know that even though you may have problems during your recovery, they may not all last. I encountered many problems that passed with time. Just trust the Lord to take care of you in His time. The doctor thought I would not regain any vision in my left eye, but I have very slowly regained part of it. Remember that God is in control and we can do all things through Christ. Love and prayers for you and yours, Brenda
Thank you. Thank you for touching my heart with that prayer of yours. Thank you for being honest and teaching me more about your relationship with God and how much I still have to learn. I pray for you daily
Come before the alter of the Lord. Your family and you are in all of our prayers!
Heather,
Your sweet family has been on my heart since I first found myself on your site reading & praising for Emma Grace, many months ago. And now, you remain on my heart. I am so honored to lift you up in prayer to the One who is able. I read your words & I see Christ shine through & feel His presence…may you continue to feel & know His presence every step of the way!
Ginny Mooney
(eliot’s mom)
Beautiful. You brought tears to my eyes this morning. Please know that our prayers are with you!
Heather,
Your life is a testimony to our great and awesome God. May He bless you and keep you in His care. I’ll be praying this week.
Love,
Your sister in Christ, Julie
Heather, I have just come to know about your situation through Boomama’s blog and already you have touched my soul so deeply. I feel a connection to your life with mine in many ways… a love so deep for my husband, we are nearly the same age, health issues with our youngest of three beautiful children that has strengthened the depths of our faith, etc. You are on my mind daily and I pray for you constantly! It is so powerful to know that you are covered in prayer by many whom you have not met yet. May God’s will be done each and every day of your life. He is using you in such a profound way and you are living up to the task! God bless you, Denise
Heather, I don’t know whether you know the prayer below? I had a hysterectomy in 2002 because I had cancer of the womb – and I got as many people as possible to say the prayer before my op. I always felt sure it helped, as my operation and recovery went so amazingly smoothly!
I have posted the prayer on my blog and asked people to say it for you. I will be praying for you as well.
May God be with you!
SURGERY PRAYER.
Loving God,
I commit _______ with perfect trust into your hands.
Watch over and protect him/her in her time of weakness.
Grant that as he/she becomes unconscious to earthly thing?
his/her thoughts may be turned to you.
Bless and guide the hands and minds of his/her surgeons,
that through them your healing power may restore him/her
to good health and strength.
Bless the nurses and all those who will care for him/her
as he/she returns to consciousness.
Surround him/her relatives and friends with your peace
as they wait for his/her recovery.
And Lord, grant him/her the strength sufficient
for whatever he/she may face. Amen.
Heather, I know that you don’t know me from Eve but I had to write and tell you how much of an encouragement you are to me. I struggle daily in my walk with God and do not suffer any where near the hardships you are or have suffered. I am so thoroughly encouraged by how you can see His hand in everything and His perfect plan. I appreciate that you are also human and not afraid to admit that though you know He is in control you still struggle with the fear of the unknown. I want you to know that you are in my prayers daily as well as your family and friends who are around you to support and uphold you. God bless JoyAnna
Heather,
No one knows how we would react to every situation. And no one knows what we would do until that truly faces each of us. Please don’t even think that people may not understand your and Mark’s decisions. It is just wonderful to have such a great partner in life. I pray that the peace you feel is just as deep in him. I pray for your children. How hard it must be for them. I pray for your parents and thank God that they are involved in your life and truly there to support your family. What a blessing. Thank you for everything you mean to me.
We love you,
Julie from Kentucky
My prayers are with you, the doctors, and your family on Thursday.
Heather,
First of all I would like to say that you are in my prayers every day. When I get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom – you are one of the main ones that I pray for as I go back to sleep. I am so thankful that I came across your blog when I did because you have been a true blessing to me. There are a lot of things in life to be fearful of but as I read your entries I realize that God is bigger than any problem. As I see you in the situation that you are in and how you totally trust him, that is such a wonderful witness for God and his awesome love and power. I have not signed up for a specific time to pray for you but believe me it will be through out the day and night. Thank you for opening up your feelings and sharing them with us – you are such and blessing.
God bless you in a special way today! Have a wonderful Day full of peace!
Lisa in Texas = )
Heather,
I’m touched and inspired by your faith. Your testimony and this trial you’re faced with is being used to bring God glory. I believe that you will be healed. I’m praying for you and your family. You are on my heart daily.
I Praise Him for your example,
Silvana
Dear Heather,Praying everyday for you and your family.You are such a strong,beautiful woman.
Bambie in Texas
Preach it, sister!
Oh Heather, I am a new reader and am praying for you and your surgery, but I just want to say what a *delight* it is to hear you faithfully proclaim the Lord through all this. To take each entry and with transparency and faithfulness weave together your honest emotions and your Rock solid faith, pointing out eyes to Him each time. Praise God for His faithful servant, who endues much yet glorifies Him all the more!! May He bless you richly this week.
In Him,
Kim
I don’t know what to say except your faith in all of this that you are facing inspires me to face down some of the things in my life with the same determination to give God the glory, even when others might see Him not protecting one of HIs own. I haven’t commented often because each time I read, I’m hit with a new wave of grief and with a fresher understanding that I need to step my faith up a notch and realize that God is not against me (or forgotten me) at the times it feels like this, but that He is waiting for me to catch up with what He is doing. Bless you for sharing this journey of your life. You are in my prayers as you face this hard thing with hope.
Beautiful! What a wonderful reminder of what really is important. God is using you in a mighty way!
Oh Heather! You so GET IT, girl! Keep going and living that life of faith. The fear can’t touch you there.
I will be praying for you this Thursday and asking God to hold tight you and your precious family.
No matter what lies ahead, God’s love will continue. His goodness knows no bounds.
Praising our AWESOME God with you.
Kelly
My love, thoughts, prayers and everything will be with you on Thursday. You are an amazing gift from God and I thank you for all you’ve shared.
I happened upon your blog by a friend, who happened upon it by a friend, who happened upon it by a friend and the list goes on. Your story is touching the lives of many and is an inspiration to all of us who take part. God is working miracles in your life and in the life of your family. You have something to share with the world and your mission is not yet done on this earth.
Thank you for being bold, letting us into your heart and sharing it with the world and know that you have hundreds from the Kingdom praying you through every step of the way.
God is GOOD all the time and all the time God is GOOD!
Becki
I came here today to see how I can encourage you…and here you are encouraging us…
I believe Heather .. I believe. I know God is holding you in His arms and will take care of you.
I love that song I Can Only Imagine …
Praying for you, for Markm for your kids, and for your whole family,
Liza
As your day approaches, I am in prayer more and more. Your strength, your husband’s strength, the FAITH both of you so strongly and openly display…these will carry you through.
I remember hearing almost the same thing your husband said about your dying. A man shared a story in church several years ago after his 4 year old son died a tragic death (hit by a train). He said, “I am angry that my son gets to see Jesus before me!” And then he sang I Can Only Imagine. My all time forever favorite song that makes me cry every time.
I pray for you Heather – I pray that God guides the surgeons hands, that this surgery resolves some of the problems…that it doesn’t, by GOD’S miracle, EVER come back.
I am in such awe over what you’ve said that I find myself nearly speechless. yes, God is good -all the time. Bless you. I’m praying for all of you!
Heather, I happened upon your blog browsing the web and I want to let you know it was no accident that I did. Our God reigns no matter what the outcome of your procedure, but know this you have given such a wonderful testimony of your faith and if you are ushered into the presence of Jesus before the rest of us your legacy will be carried on by all those you have touched. We are praying for you, your family, the medical staff that will be there for you and for all those your life has touched in some way along the way. Remember that if you have some disability as a result of the surgery that with God all things are possible and disabilities are only obstacles, and God is greater than any obstacle out there. No matter what His Grace is suffficient.
Prayers for you and your family!!!! You truly are amazing and this post couldn’t have said that any better.
Darling Heather, I have never heard a testimony which touched me, moved me, awakened me more than yours. God has not only given you many gifts, but you indeed are a gift.
God will continue ton bless you and hold you. I continue to hold you and your family in my heart and prayers.
You’re amazing. Oh that I could have a tenth of your faith. You inspire me (and I’m sure thousands more) to take my faith to a new level. Thank you for that.
Our family will be praying over you and your family Thursday. My oldest asks about you and how you are doing. See? You’ve touched even our children…
Oh Heather, Your spirit is so beautiful. You shine so brightly for Jesus and I just want you to know I will be praising Him for you even through your surgery. Knowing that He who began in good work in you will continue it to completion! Keep shining for Jesus, girl — you’re beautiful!
Praying for you and your family.
Praying for you Heather and for your family.
Heather,
I just wanted you to know that you are a blessing to me. Your strength has gave me strength. You and your family are in my prayers.
Heather,
Your testimony brought tears to my eyes. God has indeed blessed you with GRACE that will see you through this trial in your life. It’s normal to ask “why me”, yet it’s evident that God has his hand over your life, and what an awesome testimony you are for Him. By you experiencing this trial, many will come to know our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I will pray specifically for you, your husband, your children, both sets of parents, the surgeons, the nursing staff, and all your friends that will be surrounding you, and anxiously wait for the news of your miracle!
Prayers from Rome, GA.
God has given you grace and has packed your words with power, Heather.
I just love you and your family so very, very much.
We’ve got your back in California…and we won’t stop praying till you’re home…and not even then…
You continue to teach me, pull me, convict me, love me more than you know. You’re walking me through some things that are long in coming, but need to be done.
Love you.
me
Heather, you are so right. Amen & Amen!
God bless you as you face surgery, I pray that you feel God’s hands holding yours and are not afraid. I also pray that this tumor is gone in the name of Jesus and your brain is restored to perfection. I am praying and believing with you and am humbled by your faith and strength. I know it is hard to be strong, but with Christ in you it is not impossible. I also pray for your sweet family and your loving parents. It is hard to watch someone you love experience something like this, your strength is a blessing to them too.
love,
Annie