Thursday is getting closer, and even though I sometimes find myself enveloped in fear, I also find that the closer the day gets- the more peace I find. I have fears about this procedure, I fear losing function on my right side, I fear not being able to speak or sing, I fear losing who I am personality wise, I fear alot of things.
But I do not fear death.
The song “I can only imagine came on the radio yesterday and I can honestly tell you that this song means so much more to me today than it did 2 weeks ago. Surrounded by His glory, what will my heart feel… will I dance before you Jesus or in awe of you stand still… will I stand in your presence or to my knee’s will I fall…. Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all, I can only imagine…
There are things that you talk about with your spouse that you would never talk about with anyone else in times like this. Not because they are so personal and private, but because they are so amazingly honest. Mark and I were talking about the risks of the procedure- death being one of them; He looked me square in the eyes and said “If you die, I will be so angry”, he paused and then said “because you will get to see Christ before me”. Having a husband who truly gets it- truly understands what this is about is so wonderful. This isn’t about me- never was.
Last night while we were coming up the elevator, he asked how I was feeling- and I told him that I was nervous. And I am. But at this point I have no control over what Thursday holds for me. I can cry and flip out and waste these next 48 hours on what ifs and fear, or I can enjoy them knowing that whatever the outcome on Thursday- I lived my life to fullest. I laughed, I loved so very deeply, and more than anything I tried to share Christs love at every opportunity these last 3 weeks. Come Thursday, all I can do is lay my antibacterial washed head down on that table and find peace in the knowledge whatever happens at the end of the day-
He’s already there.
My parents are flying in this afternoon, along with Emma Grace. I miss my kids so terribly. We debated having Elijah and Easton come, but it just didn’t seem fair to disrupt their lives again. They needed the normalcy, and hospitals and waiting rooms would only stress them out more. Seeing me after surgery would only stress them out more. Easton especially needed to be removed from this, short of phone calls and post cards. I know that alot of people disagreed with that decision, but it is one that I and Mark strongly felt was appropriate. My older kids have already been through too much, they have seen too much, and lived through too much. They don’t need to see their mom the way that I will be after this surgery. They need to see me well and moving. That is my motivation. I want to be able to walk into my house and wrap my arms around my children and not skip a beat.
It will, however mean so much to me to be able to wrap my arms around Emma Grace before I go in. Not because she is more important, but because she is less aware. My arms long for my children, and having at least one of them here for me to physically hold will do my heart such good.
I am blessed, as hard as it is for us (and some of you) to see that sometimes- Mark and I are so very blessed.
My prayer for every single person reading this is that you find the peace that floods over me. That you realize that there is a God who loves you so very much, and wants so badly to have a personal relationship with you. I pray that my story touches you and draws you closer to him in ways that you never thought possible. I pray that you hold your children a little tighter, and love your husband a little deeper. I pray that you hold your parents closer and realize that in the end- everything else is meaningless. Christs love for you is so immense and so encompassing. I have been asked so many times how I can believe in a God who brought this into my life- who threatens to take my children’s mother away and my husbands wife away.
I stand before you today and tell you that my tumor is not God’s punishment. My daughters terminal illness and autism and failing heart are not Gods punishment. My life is a living testimony of his grace and love. The 5 years that I have spent with this amazing child, who every doctor told me would be dead by now, is a testimony of His grace and love. Finding this tumor from an inner ear infection is a testimony of His grace and love. Being so young, and without any symptoms from such a large tumor is a testimony of His grace and love. Having 32 years of life is a testimony of His grace and love.
Its all in how you face it, I cant stress that enough. Every trial and every hardship that has walked into Mark and I’s life has been faced with hope and peace. There have been moments we have asked “Why Us” but honestly, there are more times that we have asked “Why not us”.
Bad things are going to happen. Its inevitable. Facing them with hope and power makes the journey so much more possible. Facing the pain knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that my future is secure, and my eternity is claimed- that is an indescribable feeling.
I pray that you seek diligently after that feeling. If you do not have a personal relationship with Christ, it is my prayer that you are so touched by our story that you find yourself wanting to know more about this amazing relationship I have with my God.
Seek Him. He is so much closer than you think.
Can you imagine?
If you would like to know more about how to become a Christian, please read this page. If you need someone to talk to, please use my contact form and I will make sure that someone talks to you personally.
Heather,
As I sit her crying yet again, because you touch my heart and life yet again, I’m praying for you. Don’t worry about justifying your decisions–they are your decisions. Holding Easton, Elijah and Emma Grace in my prayers.
~Mipa
This is the post, after all the others that I bave absolutely hung on, that filled my eyes with tears. Not because I have any doubt in His ability and grace to bring you through this, but because I can so relate to the love you have for your family and for your Savior. I loved Mark’s response to you about being angry. Wow. I love how your decisions about your children show grown-up love for them (of course it would be easier to have them all 3 there to hold, but is it best for them?). I love how you are using this platform God has given you to “give a reason for the hope that is in you,” as God’s Word says. I love looking forward to the testimonies that you and your family will give for Him on the other side of Thursday. You write the book, I’ll buy it.
You are truly a gift from God. You exhibit the very essence He wants all of us to exhibit. Thank you for sharing your life with us. You are seriously making a difference in my life. BTW…I’ve got 6:15-6:45 for you girl! LOVE IN HIM, Tamara P.S…Mark CRACKS ME UP!!!
Precious Heather,
I just wanted you to know how much we love you and your family. We are praying for you, for Mark, for Eli, Easton and little Emma Grace, and for Darlene and Greg. God has used this situation to touch so many already. I pray many come to know and experience a real relationship with Christ thru this…that many come to hug their children and husbands a little bit longer as you have inspired me to do…and that God will be glorified thru it all as you so beautifully have done. Hug your mom and dad for us and tell them we love them. We will be praying but thank God the power is not in the pray-er, but in the One who hears our prayers.
Heather – I just wanted to let you know that I think your decision to keep your other two children at home going through their own routines is a very, very wise one. I can understandy how much you would physically ache for their touch during this time. I shall continue to keep you and yours close in thought an prayer.
Heather,
Here is a perfect song for you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNqw2ssYXC8
EVEN THOUGH I DON’T SEE, I STILL BELIEVE.
Praying for you daily!
Kelly in Michigan
avery’s on, forgive typos!! i’m so glad to have had the chance to meet you and your family! i’ll be in prayer for you and your family in the coming days. tk
Heather – You are such an awesome person. I have never commented to you before, but I want you to know that I have my Sunday School class in MS praying for you. I read your entry today and started crying because I can’t imagine what you are going through right now, but to feel the love of God pouring off of this page through your words is so awesome. I pray that your surgery will go smoothly and you will have the quickest recovery possible. I pray that anyone who reads these words is touched and if thye do not have a relationship with the Lord, they feel that tug at their heart. God is using you in such a mighty way. Blessings to you and your family!!!
Heather -
I am praying for you and your family.
Also, please do not be offended, but please read Mark 16:16 about being baptized. If you have not done so, please, please consider it.
I’m at school so I can’t type too much, but we’re praying for you!
Prayers for you continue to go up!
WOW! How awesome you are and strong, what an inspriration you are to us here on the other side of the blogging world.
What a terrific husband you have to “get you” like that too! I can only hope that if the time were to ever come, mine would preceive it the same!
God is able and he will!
You touched my heart so deeply! Thank you!
Amen! May God use your Words to Bless and touch others, Heather.
I always think when I hear “I can only imagine” that the very first thing that will happen is that My Jesus will come and He will wipe away every tear from my eyes. I will be saying, “It has been so hard, LORD. I have needed You so much!” They will be tears of great pain and loss and tears of joy as well.
I’m always praying for you dear Heather. I’m asking God to remove this…asking Him to give you your dream!
Love,
Holly
Heather — God continues to be on his throne. It is evident in your writings. It is evident in your peace. It is evident with your direction and decisions. It is evident in everything the doctors at Mayo have said.
One thing I know … my sense of how fragile life is has become heightened through all your posts, struggles, and victories. It can change in the blink of an eye … making it all the more important to do as you said: love and hug my husband, parents, family, and friends… and share Christ’s love with anyone and everyone that crosses my path with a new sense of ferver.
I appreciate you, sister, and hope that one day, we can meet face to face and hug each other, and compare scars from answered prayer. Of course, you’ll win, because how many people can sport a shaved strip of hair and say, “well, I’ve had my head washed with antibacterial soap — hospital grade. Then, someone touched my brain!” So much for my paper cuts. lol!
My prayers continue to be with you and your family, and your kids … especially for Easton’s tender heart.
Amen, sweet sister! We are PRAYING always for you. I just love this song…closing my eyes and “just imaging” that day with you. May His arms continue to uphold you and your loved ones.
Much love and prayers,
Kari
We just wanted to let you know that we continue to pray for you and your family. I also pray for your speedy recovery after surgery–God’s love surrounds you, Heather.
What a beautiful post and what a beautiful soul you are. My thoughts are prayers are with you and your family.
Heather, thank you. Thank you for sharing your faith in the midst of your struggles.
You remain in my prayers.
Will be praying for you!
“Why NOT us?”
Zing.
Wow. Thank you for your words. They are exactly what I need to hear.
God bless.
Heather, sweetie.
Your post/song had me in tears. Thank you for your example and your dedication to The Lord. Daily you inspire me to love Him more.
Praying praying praying.
Colleen from Western NY
Heather,
I read your blog through “In the Midst of It,” when she first told about your current situation. Your story has touched me so much and has caused me to pray for you and your family each day. I am certain that you living out your testimony of this obstacle in your life through this blog has brought someone closer to understanding the peace and grace God extends to each of us. You seem like an amazing woman. You have inspired me by the way you find God’s hope through all of this. I will be joining alongside all the others who will be praying for you this Thursday.
Beautiful post Heather! Will be praying for you tomorrow (and before and after). God’s holding you firmly in His hand. Hold Emma Grace tight and enjoy your evening with your family.
You are amazing, and you have my continued prayers. You have touched my life so wonderfully, and I pray fervently for you, your family, your doctors, and your friends.
May His grace and peace be yours in abundance.
I adore you.
Thank you Heather. Thank you. You draw my heart upword.
Chris from Canada
How blessed have I been to be led to you? You are amazing and in prayers, my friend. Thank you for your unending faith, which, because of Him, grows mine.
Amen.
We continue in prayer for God’s will to be fulfilled in you and in your family.
and we do hold each other and our kids a little tighter.
Above all, blessed be the name of the Lord.
Hey Heather,
I found your website a few weeks ago through Boomama’s. My sister has lived with a brain tumor for almost 4 years now, though they think she’s had it for many years. They removed what little they could and she’s living with the rest. I also have a son who is developmentally delayed because of a serious neurological disorder. He is two.
I will be praying for you daily. I can’t imagine what you are going through, yet I’m encouraged by your focus being on our living, Almighty God. He is using you to bless others via the internet and right there in the Mayo clinic.
I will be updating my blog later today and will ask people to pray for you.
Blessings to you my sister.
What a wonderful post. I have my house group praying all Thursday here. I couldn’t comment on Kelli’s blog for some reason, but I will be covering the early hours too, as we are 6 hours ahead of you.You are one amazing daughter of God, and we stand alongside you now, praising and loving.
For some reason as I was reading this I had another song come to mind. Tim McGraw’s “Live Like You Were Dying”
You’re such an inspiration! Praying for complete healing!
Thank you so much. What a gift you have given with your heartfelt post. I am praying for you and your family.
You have made good decisions for your family and I am sure it is a joy to have your little one near to hold.
I have a friend who had the most serious kind of breast cancer. She had small children and a pastor husband. Unbelievable to me (still) was her attitude and her willingness to let the tv news record her story (if someone could be saved…she said)….when she would get a diagnosis…it was in front of the camera….her mastectomy was on the television! She was bathed in prayer…and we celebrate her today as she is totally alive and well and busy with the daily tasks of raising a family and the duties of a pastors wife. It is a bit of an old blog…I am happy to say…but in case it is of any use. I will list the site.
http://www.kluth.org/Sandi/updates-1127to1228.htm
Thank you again for your sharing. You are on my mind constanly….so I will pray. Blessings and grace to you all in the days ahead.
I love that song! I love your spirit and your words. I will be praying and will share your story Wednesday night with our choir when we have our prayer time. Blessings on you! I am in tears.
Heather
Once again I hopped over here to check on you and Mark and here I find YOU giving all of us faith, hope and love. Those who know and love you and are truly Christians will not question your decisions about the children. I know your arms ache to hold them and to stare at their sleeping faces BUT you are doing what is best for them and not yourself. That is you and that is Mark. Your children are blessed to have you and Mark for their parents. Today is May Day and I am sending you an imaginary basket filled with colorful flowers – close your eyes and see it. I hope you know that you and your family are on my mind constantly and I am praying for you. Today just as all the other days I strolled over here to see how you are and what happens – you have inspired me and given me faith that I am sometimes low on. I hope you sleep well and I am so glad you and Mark have this time together. I miss you my dear sweet friend and I will be waiting to help in any way I can if you need me. I am thinking you are way too strong not to be who you already are. I doubt those doctors and rehab folks have any idea who they are about to work with. Between you and God, I am thinking you won’t be down for long! Much love to all of you and give that Emma Grace a big squeeze for me!
Wow, just wow! What an amazing testimony and work God is doing through you.
hugs
Thank you for sharing with us. Our Lord be praised for your peace in Him. You will be in our prayers in the coming days and weeks.
Heather, you do not know me, I’m sure you hear this ALOT these days, but you are me sister, we share the same Father. Your wonderful “letters” have touched me so. I pray for your comfort before and after the procedure. And I hope that you have peace before you close your eyes. I know that you are truly loved, by all the poeple that comment on your blog. I look forward to hearing from you soon telling us all how great you’re doing.
I admire that you are making sure your last couple of days before surgery making sure you tell everyone around you about your hope in Christ. That’s a wonderful testimony!
And I know you already know this, but you are Easton’s mama, and you know better than anybody else what she needs–kudos for not bowing to pressure from others to do something you didn’t feel was right for your family. Stand strong, Heather, stand strong. I’ll continue to pray for you as you approach surgery!
Dear Heather,
I have never written before but I feel led to share something with you. My mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor 10 years ago. They also found her tumor because she had a ringing in her ears. After her surgery she could speak but was a little confused. She lost all memory of how to read, tell time, math skills, but they gave her therapy and she can read her Bible again, cook, do laundry(if she so chooses). The doctors did not think she would live very long, BUT GOD…..two of the most powerful words in the Bible. I have also been thru cancer and I know how you feel. The hardest part for me was dying and they would have to live without me. I had a very rare cancer and they gave me 5 years. I am in my 5th year now and God has done many miracles in my life. You have an amzing testimony as many others have said and I am believing God for a miracle on your behalf. Mom was awake during her surgery and she was witnessing to the doctor thru the beginning of the surgery. My mom has a strong faith and as I read your posts, you do to. May God give you a peace that passes ALL understanding.
Blessings,
Patty
Dear Heather,
Again, I am so deeply moved by your faith and words. May God bless you and take care of you on Thursday. I will be praying for you or should I say continue to pray for you. Everyday since I read your post weeks ago I have been praying for you and your beautiful family. It’s rather ironic that I come to your blog daily to get updates and pray for you and nearly everytime I end up getting encouraged and edified by your words! Just amazing. You’re truly wonderful. God bless you so very much as you are shining His light and glory. Just amazing, you’re simply amazing. Best wishes.
Molly (:
May God bless you and keep you
May God cause His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you
May God turn His face toward you, and grant you peace
(Numbers 6:24-26)
I too am deeply moved by your faith and your story. God is good! Your faith is incredible and such a witness. I wanted to let you know that I plan to post something tomorrow evening about your surgery, asking those who visit my blog to pray along with you. I plan to use your picture from your profile and link back to some of your entries about your faith and surgery, etc. I wanted to let you know that ahead of time so you can let me know if that is not acceptable to you and if it is not, I won’t use it of course.
I also am asking my Sunday School class to pray for you Heather and your family. God bless you.
My husband, son and I have been praying for you every evening.
Heather, while I was reading your post today, I thought of another Mercy Me song that has impacted my life lately – check out these lyrics to Bring The Rain:
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I’ve gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It’s never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there’ll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that’s what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what’s a little rain
So I pray
Holy, holy, holy
*******************************
I can’t say I know what you’re going through, but I’ve battled cancer twice in my life – the first time while my children were very young (toddler and newborn) and the second time about three years ago. I do know, without a doubt, that if it wasn’t for the mercy and love of my Heavenly Father and the support,prayers, and kindness of family and friends I would have given up.
Keep trusting the Lord for His amazing care for you and your family. It’s all in His hands and His ways are incredible. Praise Him!
I am constantly amazed and humbled that you minister to us when we so want to minister to you and your family! I love that its a two way street. Praying and will continue to pray for you and your family.
O Lord, how priceless is Your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of Your wings. They feast on the abundance of Your house; You give them drink from Your river of delights. For with You is the fountain of life; in Your light we see light. Continue Your love to Heather and her family and to those who know You, Your righteousness to the upright in heart. (Psalm 36:7-10)
Heather, I am so blessed by your posts! I am praying for you, sister! It is amazing to see Him shine through you, and we are all needing to see it. Thank you for being a willing and faithful vessel. Bless you and your wonderful family.
In His Life,
Scott
AMEN, sweet lady, AMEN. You are living your faith. Bless you and your family.
What a testimony you are!
Praying for you.
Heather~ I found your blog aobut a week ago and I have become a faithful reader and as I sit here with tears once more streaming down my face I just wanted you to know how much you have encouraged me! I have truly been blessed to have stumbled across your site, when most people would run and hide you and your family have stood and been true. I only pray that I will have half of the grace that you have showed.
You and your family are in my prayers
Michelle
Heather,
I am praying for you. I have been thinking about you and sharing your story with all of my teaching friends. I sit here with tears streaming down my face at how much our God loves us. Please know that I am praying for God’s hand to guide your doctor. I am praying for your husband, your children, and your family. You are amazing.