48 hours…

Thursday is getting closer, and even though I sometimes find myself enveloped in fear, I also find that the closer the day gets- the more peace I find. I have fears about this procedure, I fear losing function on my right side, I fear not being able to speak or sing, I fear losing who I am personality wise, I fear alot of things.

But I do not fear death.

The song “I can only imagine came on the radio yesterday and I can honestly tell you that this song means so much more to me today than it did 2 weeks ago. Surrounded by His glory, what will my heart feel… will I dance before you Jesus or in awe of you stand still… will I stand in your presence or to my knee’s will I fall…. Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all, I can only imagine…

There are things that you talk about with your spouse that you would never talk about with anyone else in times like this. Not because they are so personal and private, but because they are so amazingly honest. Mark and I were talking about the risks of the procedure- death being one of them; He looked me square in the eyes and said “If you die, I will be so angry”, he paused and then said “because you will get to see Christ before me”. Having a husband who truly gets it- truly understands what this is about is so wonderful. This isn’t about me- never was.

Last night while we were coming up the elevator, he asked how I was feeling- and I told him that I was nervous. And I am. But at this point I have no control over what Thursday holds for me. I can cry and flip out and waste these next 48 hours on what ifs and fear, or I can enjoy them knowing that whatever the outcome on Thursday- I lived my life to fullest. I laughed, I loved so very deeply, and more than anything I tried to share Christs love at every opportunity these last 3 weeks. Come Thursday, all I can do is lay my antibacterial washed head down on that table and find peace in the knowledge whatever happens at the end of the day-

He’s already there.

My parents are flying in this afternoon, along with Emma Grace. I miss my kids so terribly. We debated having Elijah and Easton come, but it just didn’t seem fair to disrupt their lives again. They needed the normalcy, and hospitals and waiting rooms would only stress them out more. Seeing me after surgery would only stress them out more. Easton especially needed to be removed from this, short of phone calls and post cards. I know that alot of people disagreed with that decision, but it is one that I and Mark strongly felt was appropriate. My older kids have already been through too much, they have seen too much, and lived through too much. They don’t need to see their mom the way that I will be after this surgery. They need to see me well and moving. That is my motivation. I want to be able to walk into my house and wrap my arms around my children and not skip a beat.

It will, however mean so much to me to be able to wrap my arms around Emma Grace before I go in. Not because she is more important, but because she is less aware. My arms long for my children, and having at least one of them here for me to physically hold will do my heart such good.

I am blessed, as hard as it is for us (and some of you) to see that sometimes- Mark and I are so very blessed.

My prayer for every single person reading this is that you find the peace that floods over me. That you realize that there is a God who loves you so very much, and wants so badly to have a personal relationship with you. I pray that my story touches you and draws you closer to him in ways that you never thought possible. I pray that you hold your children a little tighter, and love your husband a little deeper. I pray that you hold your parents closer and realize that in the end- everything else is meaningless. Christs love for you is so immense and so encompassing. I have been asked so many times how I can believe in a God who brought this into my life- who threatens to take my children’s mother away and my husbands wife away.

I stand before you today and tell you that my tumor is not God’s punishment. My daughters terminal illness and autism and failing heart are not Gods punishment. My life is a living testimony of his grace and love. The 5 years that I have spent with this amazing child, who every doctor told me would be dead by now, is a testimony of His grace and love. Finding this tumor from an inner ear infection is a testimony of His grace and love. Being so young, and without any symptoms from such a large tumor is a testimony of His grace and love. Having 32 years of life is a testimony of His grace and love.

Its all in how you face it, I cant stress that enough. Every trial and every hardship that has walked into Mark and I’s life has been faced with hope and peace. There have been moments we have asked “Why Us” but honestly, there are more times that we have asked “Why not us”.

Bad things are going to happen. Its inevitable. Facing them with hope and power makes the journey so much more possible. Facing the pain knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that my future is secure, and my eternity is claimed- that is an indescribable feeling.

I pray that you seek diligently after that feeling. If you do not have a personal relationship with Christ, it is my prayer that you are so touched by our story that you find yourself wanting to know more about this amazing relationship I have with my God.

Seek Him. He is so much closer than you think.

Can you imagine?

If you would like to know more about how to become a Christian, please read this page. If you need someone to talk to, please use my contact form and I will make sure that someone talks to you personally.

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Comments

  1. Heather, you are a gift to us! I am amazed at your faith and how you are blessing so many of us at a time when most of us would be turning within ourselves. Bless you. My prayers are with you over the next days.

  2. Praise God for His peace that surpasses all understanding in Christ Jesus. God is so good and so faithful to each of us. He daily loads us with benefits . . . how true! Even in the midst of uncertainty He is there and His blessings abound. You are richly blessed. God bless you for your post sharing who He is and how to know Him. I pray it will make a difference in someone’s life.

    I’ll be praying for you, Mark, Easton, Elijah, & little Emma. God already knows the outcome. There is no fear in love but perfect love casts out fear . . .

  3. Still praying for you, Heather. Still asking our loving Father to embrace you every step of the way, to give your hubby strength and peace, to hold your children tightly as they move forward in to the healing phase with you…

    Still praying, Heather. And still believing that God will be exalted in all of this.

  4. Heather you have touched my life in such an important way that I can never explain. I have been such a struggling Christian and you have helped me so much with your testimony. Thank you. I will be praying for you- I already have been and will continue to do so.
    Thank you Heather!

  5. Amen!

  6. Your beautiful words brought to mind one of my favorite songs by nichole nordeman. These lyrics particularly stood out:

    The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
    So we find a foothold that’s familiar
    And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

    I thank Jesus for your beautiful life of love, Heather. I have been and will continue to pray without ceasing and lying on your behalf at the feet of the one who knows you best.
    Love, Michelle

  7. What is there to say, we are praying, and thinking of you and your family often, when the daily challenges of my life seem to want to drag me down, I think about you – you have reminded me that God is here, his faith and unyielding love are ever present!

    Thank you for reminding me, though I am just at the start of my journey back to the Lord, and I am not ever sure of what path I should take – I look at you and pray for a relationship with Him such as yours!

    Your in my prayers!

  8. Beautiful testimony! Without Jesus, life is hopeless…period! After the tragedy at Virginia Tech, I wrote a poem titled, “You Can’t Afford to Wait.” The theme is: You can’t afford to wait…Tomorrow may be too late! If you would like to read the poem, please visit: http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/servingtheKingofkings/317395.

    You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. I also hope and pray that many souls will be saved through reading your blog and witnessing your life.

  9. Thanks for sharing that. My DD16 took voice lessons for a few years and she sang I Can Only Imagine at one of her recitals. Beautiful, touching song. You are so blessed and such a blessing!

  10. Heather, there are no words to describe the way my heart feels right now for you and your family. I am amazed at your strength, but yet shouldn’t be, because it comes straight from the Lord. You are an amazing testimony of God’s grace and love.

    There are so many people praying for you that have never sat with you and shared a cup of coffee, but the one and MOST IMPORTANT thing we do share is the commonality of being a child of God.

    Know you are loved and prayed for my sista and we look forward to your posts for many years to come!

    Much love!
    Tracey

  11. I’m praying for you, Heather. I know God is going to do (and has already done) some amazing things.

  12. Heather, this may be one of the strangest things for me to say as you are going thru what you are, but I envy you. I envy your strong testimony and strong faith; I envy the peace that you have; I envy the way you have words to express exactly what you are feeling and what you have in your life. God is definatly using you as a tool to do His work. Thank you for sharing those meaningful words.

  13. Lifting you and your family in prayer.

  14. Jerelene Postin says:

    Dearest Heather,
    I just want you to know I am praying for you and your family. I have asked just about everyone I know to pray for you too! I am praying for God to help the doctors that are caring for you as well. You are truly an inspiration to everyone. Please know that you are thought of and loved very much. Praying in Indiana, Jerelene

  15. I’m in tears, but not of sorrow. Tears that reflect a heart that is immeasurably touched by POWERFUL words that give an amazing testimony of faith and of the living God. Heather. HEATHER, THANK YOU! Your words are a priceless gift. I’m near speechless. I know I’ll be reading them again. Praying for you and your family. You are such an amazing wife, mother, and follower of Jesus Christ.
    Blessings,
    ~Toni~
    (((by His stripes, we are healed)))

  16. Shannon says:

    you are an amazing and strong woman! God Bless you and your are in my prayers each and every night.

  17. It’s all been said so I’ll just keep praying.

  18. Prayed, praying, will continue to pray.

    Amen and amen to your post.

    ~Julie~

  19. What an incredible woman you are, Heather. Yours is the kind of faith described in Hebrews 11.
    You’re in my prayers as you go forward in this.

  20. Heather,
    Your faith, strength and courage are amazing! It is very obvious from your writing that those gifts are from above and that you know their origin deeply. Your writing displays a true testament to God’s love in this world. Please know that my family, friends and I will be praying for you on Thursday. Keep being a true witness!
    Your Sister in Christ,
    Heather

  21. Definitely in my prayers. What a beautiful post.

  22. Jesus,
    I love that in You there is no time or distance. Right here right now You are. I love that the Family of God really is a family. We can bicker over the silliest of things, but when it comes down to the real issues, we are knit together. So when I tell You I have a little sister that is shaming us with her faith, You get it! when I tell You I have a little sister that not only knows about grace and mercy, she lives it full throttle, You know who I mean. And Lord when I plead for You to pour out Your spirit on Heather and Mark You whisper “It is already done” and I find peace in knowing my God is so much bigger than this tumor and so much closer to you than this keyboard. I serve a God that is all about wrapping His arms around us as we sit on His lap. I love a God that takes the groanings in my spirit and makes them audible before the throne of grace for a little sister in Christ I have never met, but know so intimately and love whole heartedly. All because of a cross and the blood that flows from it into our hearts, making us one.Only in Jesus.
    Because of Jesus, Bobbie

  23. Heather: I send you prayers, support and cyber-love. I will especially be keeping your husband, children, parents, and all of your caregivers there at the Mayo Clinic in prayer in the coming days. You are a remarkable witness. Your faith is amazing. I will pray for you to continue to be strong. Blessings to you. Even in the face of this great adversity, you have touched many lives . . . including mine. I hope you find comfort in the knowledge of that being part of your unique and special purpose on this journey.

  24. WOW – girl that is just soooo unbelievably powerful!!! You are awesome!

    I miss you tons and am thinking about you all the time.

    I totally think you are right to spare Easton and Elijah. But oh – it must be breaking your heart!!!

    {{{HUGS}}}

  25. Continuing to pray for you, your husband, children, parents, surgeons, doctors, nurses, anyone else the Lord brings to mind. Praying for the Holy Spirit to fill you and your family, for the Lord to wrap His loving arms around you all. When I read your posts, I can feel the Lord’s presence – He is HERE! May He hear the prayers being lifted up for you. May many become believers in Jesus and be encouraged in their faith as a result of you sharing your life with us. I am praying that the outcome of this will be better than we can imagine, that the miracles can only be attributed to the Lord’s hand.

    Blessings,
    Kate

  26. Debbie says:

    I found your website only a couple of weeks ago, and have been holding you in my prayers since. Your entry today is precious, that you show such love and concern for others in your own time of trial really shows your walk with Jesus. Praying for you from France, Debbie

  27. Oh sweetheart…..when I first *met* you in the blog party you were just thinking of giving up your blog because you had nothing to say any more and you wanted LIFE with your kids.
    I hadn’t followed you since then, but just went to bookmark you tonight…..and look waht I found. My eyes were stinging as I read through from the first post. There was a lump in my throat, and by the time I got to this last post the tears were falling.
    Hold on to Jesus. Hold your family close.
    I will be praying for you all.

  28. prayers for heather from kate in new zealand X

  29. Continuing to pray!

  30. With so many faithful people praying for you, Heather, we know that you and your family will be blessed no matter what the outcome of this day’s events, and God will use you and your story in a mighty way to bless the world. Many hugs and prayers coming your way this day and throughout your procedure. Looking forward to a celebration soon! Nina

  31. We’re praying for you and thinking very good thoughts! all the best…

  32. Father as Heather goes in for this operation I belive you will have only those that know and love you take work on her and take care of her while she is in the hospital. Jesus place your hands on the Drs as he works on our sister. Father place very special angels all around Heather and all that she loves as she has this done. We believe Father God that she will come out of this with no problems and that she will have a mirical healing. We belive this will be done Fatehr for you have told us that if two or mor ask in the name of Jesus Christ your son that you will hear and answer all our prayers. So in Jesus name Father we thank you for the merical healing you are giving to our sister right now. We thank you for this mirical for Heather Father God and we love you so very much. You are our God and we worship you and praise your holy name. In Jesus name we as one pray. Amen and amen.
    I look forward to hearing the wonderful report as you come through all of this my sister. Rest in the Arms of our God sissy and know that He is always holding you in His loving arms. Love, Jesus hugs and prayers Bishop Barbara

  33. Once again your post is such an inspiration.

    You’re an amazing woman, Heather and very much a wonderful sharer of faith.

    God Bless you and yours~

  34. Beautifully said! I love watching others draw nearer to Him…Heather, it’s all worth it. If only to draw you and others close to Him, it is absolutely worth it. Continue to be obedient in your calling.
    I love you and I am praying.

  35. Amen.

  36. Heather, this is what being in the body of Christ is all about: knowing that in all and through all, God is still our God who is be praised and adored, not inspite of our circumstances, but because of them. Praying for your sweet heart and your big head. Tee hee hee… I couldn’t resist! God is bigger than the boogie man and brain tumor. He’s got you covered.

  37. Heather, I’ll be praying for you on Thursday at 11. Your faith is a wonderful testimony.

  38. Heather:
    I am praising Jesus for the strength HE has give you to face this surgery! What a powerful testimony you share…I received such a blessing reading your “48 hours” entry. Know my prayers are with you. We will put you on our church bulletin prayer list. I look forward to miraculous results! Whatever takes place, remember He does nothing without a Kingdom purpose…and some day we will all clearly see the “big picture.” Praising Him for your witness, Lucy.

  39. YOU are a testimony to His grace and love. You are truly inspiring Heather. Please get well and know that you are continually in my prayers. For some reason we were praying hard Tuesday thinking that you were in surgery then. I had my Ts mixed up. We will be praying hard tomorrow. God bless you, friend!

  40. i am praying so hard for you…because we need someone like you here on earth to guide us.

  41. olivia says:

    Hi, I just found your blog after it was sent to me and I read this post…I just wanted to let you know that I am and will be praying for you and your family. God is AMAZING! sending prayers your way…

  42. Oh Heather,
    I couldn’t wait to rush home from Bible Study today and share with you just a bit of our lesson. We are doing in the dust of the Rabbi. Part of the text was Matt 14: 24-36 about Jesus sending the disciples out ALONE in the boat as he watched a storm come over them. (That is kind of where you might feel you are right now) But Jesus is watching and when it is time for him to walk out to you He will. And even though the storm is raging and you may not know if it is really Jesus coming to you, when you step out of the boat(and you will step out of the boat because your Passion for the Lord is evident) so when you do step out and walk to the Lord, even thought you may still be in the storm and might doubt your ability towalk on water, JESUS will take you by the hand and walk with you (notice when you are holding his hand even if you sank a little, NOW you are walking on the water!) You will walk on water! When you get back to the boat and are surrounded by those who love you and worship the Lord just as Peter did, The storm ends… abruptly, just as suddenly as it came upon you, it ends.

    So as brave as you were to get into the boat and begin sailing across this unknown sea, remember Jesus is faithfully watching over you and is ready to not only come to you, but call you to become more like Him and do what He does for the Glory of the Lord.Walk on!
    Because of Jesus, Bobbie

  43. Casi Quinn says:

    Heather –

  44. Wow! God is glorified in it all. Praying for you and family. I hope you can feel our love.

  45. What an amazing testimony Heather!!!!!

    Thank you so much for sharing this and all your other thoughts during this time. Your words are so very powerful.

    I’m praying and will keep on.

  46. Amen! What your husband said to you brought tears to my eyes.

  47. Shara Ferguson says:

    Heather and family, I have been thinking about you all week and last! I miss you all so much. I just want to let you know if any of you need anything I am only an hour and half away from the Mayo clinic. My thoughts and Prayers are with you. Love always shara

  48. Heather

    From the moment my feet touched the floor today I have thought of you and your family. My prayers and blessings are with you and your family. I read your post today and you brought tears to my eyes. In the midst of all this you stand strong and minister to all of us. He works beautifully within you.
    I find it difficult to hear how judgemental people can be. How you and your family handle this is your choice and you know what works best for you. I will be praying for you and your family and I know you will come out of this with positive results. You still have much to share with people, you are blessed with the love of the lord.
    I will also be praying for the doctors and nurses caring for you today, and caring for your family as they have the difficult task of waiting. God bless you all. Your prayers in Canada are covered.

    Dawn

  49. Heather,

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this time. I just found your website last night; I wish it had been sooner. Your life, your testimony and that of your family has done what you had hoped….it has brought me back to God and allowed me to establish a closer relationship with Him. I had been struggling for so long and last night after reading your site…a peace came over me as I read “Seek Him. He is so much closer than you think”; He was here waiting for me to set aside my struggles and walk into His arms. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced. Words cannot express my feelings of gratitude. Thank you and God Bless you and your family! You all will continue to be in our thoughts and prayers.

    Renee’

  50. Heather Lee says:

    You overwhelm me….but in a good way. I was directed here by my good friend Laura N and I am so grateful to her for sharing her wonderful friend with me :) Im such a sap, everyone who knows me knows that….but somehow right this moment i dont feel so silly for sitting here crying, I feel blessed that God allows me to feel this much for others, and the knowledge that he will hear me when I pray for your life, your peace of mind and you strength ! thank you for reminding me how precious life is……smile, and know you have made a difference in someones life here in Michigan
    ~Heather lEE