We are home, and the visit went well. Her transplant doctor said that there wasn’t any change on her ECHO since the last visit (3 months ago), she had gained 2 pounds (this was a huge achievement) and said he would see her again in three months….
I, however, am not doing so well..
This visit brought the reality of our family’s medical issues to the foreground for me. I am crying as I type this. I am just…. lost and afraid, and very- I don’t know the word. I am having one of those days where reality is kicking me in the butt and I have no control over my emotions. When the transplant social worker asked me how I was doing, I just broke down. She hugged me and said she was praying for me… and for my family. I know so many are praying for me and my family.
Then there was Dr. F. He is a passive man, with a gentle soul. He listened intently as I told him that I had cancer, and that I would be starting chemo and radiation next Monday. And then he said he was sorry. Sorry that my family has to go through this, and most of all sorry for me. That brought me to tears again.
I know I have to go through this, I am just having a hard time today understanding the “whys” of it all.
Tomorrow is a new day, with new mercies…
My heart hurts with you and your family for everything you are experiencing. I hear the pain in your words and your courage, too. So, does Jesus.
Praying for comfort and peace for you at this moment. {{{HUGS}}}
Heather,
I am praying for you, that you find the strengh you need. I just can’t imagine having to deal with all of this.
You are one strong mama!!!!
You will be able to handle this, but you are only human and need to cry once in a while.
Linda
It’s ok…let those tears fall. Like I said before, may they wash away more and more fear, as God’s forms you into His mighty warrier.
Praying for you and asking Him to give you blessing upon blessing upon blessing. I know He will, because that is what He does…and because…He wants to do it.
Love you!
Holly
Oh, sweet you, Heather. Cry yourself right through it. This is hard times.
I can remember days like this when I was healthy but both of my parents were not. It is so overwhelming some days – especially those days in the clinics when reality surrounds you.
I pray peace and comfort over you Heather. You WILL find peace and comfort. First it will come in little pockets until one day it will rest on you fully. It will. It will.
It really will.
I continue to pray for you and your family and know that God is with you and will carry you through!
annb
aw well we are hear to help hold you up Heather
You are doing your part of letting us help bear your burden. I will say an extra special prayer for you. Crawl up on our heavenly Daddy’s lap and go ahead and cry…His shoulders were made for that. xoxo melzie
You amaze me again… thanks for your honesty… I feel horrible to be sitting here, in such safety “watching” you and yours go through this.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Please cover this family tonight… let them feel Your presence and overwhelm them with Your love. Heal them Lord… take their worries, their pain, their sickness… make them whole.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.
I’m crying too, Heather. And it’s OK for you to cry. We are given that release, that way to relieve some of what we hold on to inside. It’s our pressure valve. So release it. As often as necessary. And then cling to Him as you have from the start. (((Much love to you))).
Blessings,
~toni~
God is collecting your tears as you said. His shoulders are wide enough for your questions. And His Comfort is still there.
I am reading your words and remembering a VBS song that starts “It’s all right to cry, crying gets the sad out of you” I can nno remember the rest, just know that crying does not equal doubt. Love truly does cast out fear and Jesus above it all is Lord.
Honey you are doing so great. Moment by Moment.
Because of Jesus, Bobbie
You know, some days just stink. And when things stink, tears are appropriate.
I don’t know why. But, like you, I know Who. And He may very well let you see why – in His perfect timing.
In the meantime, I continue in prayer for you. May you continue to hear His voice and bless His name.
It is really weird but it is such a huge and healthy thing that you are feeling the way you do today. You do have a lions share of serious things going on in your life. It is okay to feel spent and fall apart. This stuff is like waves after waves, sometimes up, sometimes down but you are always fighting and always struggling and just keeping your head above water. Sometimes the seas are calm and sometimes they are not. It like you just want to have a break from it all and a few normal days and then you can gather enough strength to return to the battleground. But that break doesn’t come. However you are never alone. …and you know that….find the peace that you know is there for you. God promised.
I was told one night in the hospital with a sick child “that she can very well die tonight.” She was unconcious and intubated….no one knew how this would end. It was a battle that lasted a few weeks but eventually she recovered and we all went home. Happy day? It was weird but then was when I fell apart. We made it through such hard stuff …..and then all the emotions drained out of me. I remember it was so hard. And at that time no one knew. I guess what I learned from all of that was that it was okay to feel honesty. No one has a rulebook on this stuff. Just be honest …don’t resort to putting on a show to make everyone else feel “comfortable.” Be Heather. Whatever that is today. It is okay. Tomorrow is a new day.
Heather, I have not commented on your site yet, but I have been reading your blog since the first days of your learning of your cancer. There is no way we can know why the Lord is allowing you and your family to go through this time of severe trial right now. But, I do know that He is good and His love endures forever. I want to share to words to this hymn with you and I have blogged on suffering on my blog several times if you would like to go there. I only say that in the hopes that it would encourage you. May the Lord bless you and make His face to shine upon you.
For His Name’s Sake. jenny
He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials he multiplies peace.
When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.
His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.
Praying tonight that days like this simply draw you closer into your Father’s arms. He can take it!! Cry to Jesus.
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He’ll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus
Well, slap me and call me stupid…but I’m kinda glad you had a day like that. It is healthy and good to get it all out. You have incredible, incredible faith…you are so very resilient, and so inspiring…but you are also human, with human desires and wants and fears and hopes and dreams. It is good at times to let it out and let God empty it all out of you, so that He can then fill you up with Him.
Heather, you are beautiful. You are amazing. You have blessed my socks off and lifted me to the heavens with your praise of our God. And while I’m sorry you hurt and are frightened and have to deal with this sucky, sucky thing…I’m proud of you that you let it out and recognized that, while it isn’t how you want it to be…ultimately, I saw you surrender yourself back to His will…and it was a beautiful thing indeed.
Even in the midst of your pain and sorrow today…God was glorified my friend. Have no doubt about that. I hope this makes sense, because I wouldn’t hurt you for the world:-)
oh dearest heather.
of course you have difficult times. but it doesn’t diminish the power of your God. when you are weak, His strength is perfect. Though it doesn’t make sense right now, He has you in the palm of His hand. He is intimately aware of your circumstances and he will not allow one hair to fall of your head without His knowledge. He has already won the victory for you and your precious family.
Know that your brothers and sisters lift you up before the Lord. Who is mighty to save. His promises are also always “yes and amen”
Prayers of sustaining strength to you, mark, easton, elijah, and of course sweet Emma grace.
Praise God for the amazing report of her health!!
Blessings
I agree that it is totally understandable that you’ll have hard days. But I also know that, when I have the hardest time coping with things, is sometimes when I am over-tired. You are still so shortly past a huge major surgery, you are going through major emotional upheavals as well as physical recovery, and today you have had what was probably an exhausting day trying to do an appointment that would have tired you out back before any of these recent events hit. Major surgery all by itself takes a long time to recover from, and you have to be exhausted after going from “trying to rest and get well from surgery” mode to all of a sudden fifth gear again.
I don’t mean that you don’t have reasons to sometimes not feel “up,” ….only that you are probably more exhausted tonight than you can comprehend, and for me that sure affects how I can cope with big or small things.
I hope you sleep well tonight. Praying.
Love,
Dee Dee
Dear Heather.
IS 58:11
“You shall be like a watered garden.”
I thought of that – with so many of us crying with you.
I think there are no answers to the “whys.” And that is so hard. You are human and you are allowed bad days. There are people with much less on their plates than you who complain all day long…you are an amazing optimistic and faith-filled woman. You deserve a bad day!!
You’re not alone. You’ve got an army of believers praying for you.
xoxo
Heather,
I volunteer at our county jail and have brought in a few of your blog entries to the various groups of men that I work with. (Catholic services) They are very impressed with your courage and faith. You have a lot to share with others and you are an inspiration to us all. Please know that you are in these men’s prayers as well as mine. Keep fighting; God is good. His mercy endures forever.
Don’t be disappointed in yourself, these emotions are normal. Allow yourself to grieve over what you have lost: the security of believing that you will be healthy and strong and raise your children. So many of us take that for granted until something like this happens. I know you have a rough road ahead, but you can do it!
I commented here some time ago that I have a daughter with complex CHD, has had 5 heart surgeries, strokes, lung bleeds and is terminally ill. I also have a 15 year old nephew who was diagnosed with astrocytoma last October. He went through the brain surgery to remove the tumor and radiation and chemotherapy. I believe that he is taking the same chemotherapy medication that you will be taking. He is now on maintenance chemo and doing very well. My sister and her family have a new “normal”. They experience many highs and lows too. I have given her your blog information and she is praying for you as am I.
If you would like to visit my nephew’s carepage go to: http://www.carepages.com and type in the name MarcusRussell (no spaces). His doctor (I think it was) painted the mask that he used for his radiation and he has a picture of it on the blog. His mask is Garfield! My sister and her husband had to drive him to Salt Lake City for the radiation which is 2 hours away (one way) so it was quite a sacrifice for them to do… especially since they have 3 other younger sons and they even drove in the snow… but they made it. Through the ups and downs, tears of joy and tears of sorrow and fear. They are still fighting the cancer and trying to enjoy and appreciate each day. Just like you.
(((Hugs))) to you and please email me if you would like to. (I am caring for my dd who is living on 50% – 70% oxygen saturation on the pulse-ox. We don’t get out much but we try to cherish each day. I also experience ups and downs. I wonder if my daughter will be here much longer and yet feel such sorrow when she has bad days. She will be 19 this Sunday! What a miracle… nobody thought she would live nearly this long. I tell you this only so you know that I understand a little bit about what you must have gone through with Emma Grace and also your current stressful situation.) So if you want to chat with someone who “gets it”, I’m here.
My love and prayers go to you.
(((hugs)))
Nancy
I almost forgot to say that I come to your blog and feel such peace, hope and faith. Even when you have a down day, I can still feel your strength. Thank you for that. I have a strong faith in God, I just don’t express myself nearly as well as you do.
(((hugs))) again,
Nancy
((hugs)) Heather. Still praying for you and your family. I am delighted to hear Emma’s good report. Praying that tomorrow will be an easier day for you and you can rest.
Heather, it is normal to be afraid and depressed in the situation you find yourself in. Any one of us would be afraid. What makes you special is thay you aren’t afraid to admit it – and to share your fear with us on here…..
May God be with you every step of the way on this long journey that lies ahead of you.
Heather… I have not read the comments, and it is morning here in England.My reading for the day was about God being the God of the impossible. Nothing makes him smile more than being given the impossible to make possible. You know what I mean? He is the God of miracles. I believe that, and so do you!
Your reactions sound pretty normal to me–and I certainly hug you with my heart.
Brain surgery is major, and brain injury has some complications. We don’t really think about the myriad tasks and functions that the brain does for us–but we do notice when it fails us in one way or another.
It’s probably going to take some time for the brain to rewire itself and as it does, I’d think that a sense of balance and equilibrium might slowly return. Right now, I bet things seem topsy-turvey and the
constant that you counted on, your sense of reality and the skills to deal with whatever happens, have been totally disrupted.
Meanwhile, the very difficult realities and responsibilities which you were handling before, are still there. And probably you are still emotionally catching up with the events leading up to your surgery–everything happened really fast. Your faith is intact for sure, but you might not be experiencing it in quite the same way.
I don’t have any wise words but we keep you in our prayers daily and feel certain that God will guide you through this somehow. We wish you a quick miracle. God bless.
Praying for you and your family still and sending a big hug your way all the way from Australia!
((((huge hugs))))
There is a time for everything…even for crying. Crying is good for the soul. Your emotions are not hidden from God, He does not only see it, He feels it as well.
There are so much emotions inside of you that words will not be enough to express. Cry…just cry. A song just popped into my head as I was typing this post. I’ll try to type the lyrics here out of memory…it may not be excatly the same..but close. Here goes:
You said you’d come and share all my sorrows
You said you’d be there for all my tomorrows
I came so close to sending you away
But just like you promised,
You came here to stay..
You said:
Come to the water and stand by my side
I know you are thirsty
You won’t be denied
I’ve seen all your tear drops
when in darkness you cried
I came to remind you
that for those tears I died…
FOR THOSE TEARS I DIED.
(((((((HUGS TO YOU HEATHER)))))))
It’s okay to cry. PTL for Emma’s good report! Continuing to pray for you!
*hugs*
Cry it out, sister..
So many prayers going up for you and your family.
Big hugs from up here in Tampa.
Im glad to hear everything went well with Emmas Dr. visit. That should relieve some stress from you. Im praying for you today, as you embrace the new day that is ahead of you.
In the words of our Pastor,
“Let what you know, control how you feel. Don’t let what you feel, control what you know.”
Praying that every thought will be taken aptive!
Connie
Cry Baby Cry.
It’s OK.
Heather,
You have been given a heavy cross to carry. I wish there were words of comfort that I could offer you but instead I found the following:
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3, 5-6
I will continue to pray and think of you.
Heather,
I have no words that could possible help, but if I were there, I’d give you a great big hug.
I’m praying earnestly for you – for peace just for today…
Nothing wrong with crying, girl! Go for it! Just don’t let it get you too down…cry and get it out, and then remember how many people love you and are praying for you…every day Heather!
I’m thankful that you have doctors that are so caring and skilled. Praise God for the good news at Emma’s appointment.
Oh Heather. I’m in tears reading this. Days like these are inevitable, I suppose. And I guess we’ll never know in this lifetime why God has asked your family to walk this road. All I know is that you are covered and surrounded and supported in prayer. And God is good. (((hugs))) to you.
Heather: You don’t know me, personally, but like many others I have been keeping up with your journey and praying with you and for you. I hope you find some strength in the beautiful message I copied below. Thank you for the inspiration that you are being for all of us, no matter the journey we are on.
Malachi 3:3 says:
“He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.”
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn’t mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: “He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.” She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.
The man answered yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, “How do you know when the silver is fully refined?”
He smiled at her and answered, “Oh, that’s easy — when I see my image in it.”
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.
Why? is the one question we just don’t get answered. But sometimes when we aren’t searching for the answer it seems to appear. Those moments of light when God says, “Okay, I think I can let you know now.” But so often He is ready to let us know why.
I hope you’re day is better. Emma looks beautiful!
Kathy
I think God knew what he was doing when he created tears……we are with you in Spirit, Heather. We will be there holding your hand, wiping your tears, and praising God for all the advancements in the treatments for cancer. Crying is not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith; it is a sign we are human full of strength and faith as we move forward in our pain and sorrows. Whereever we are, God is.
praying
I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this! I know that God has a plan and I wish we could see it. In the meantime though you are much loved and I pray for you and your beautiful family often!!!
Heather I wish that there was any way for me to make this better. Any way. I’m sorry that there is not.
**Sigh** – days like this are hard – and I think sometimes it’s even harder, because you are the only one who knows how it feels – thank you for sharing, it helps us know how to pray for you guys! AND – let yourself have days to feel and cry – that’s healthy – and part of the journey – the best part, is that we have a Saviour to carry us an friends and family praying too.
Have a wonderful weekend!
Ruth
Days like this stink!
You be in tears though if you need to. Remember it’s not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength – the strength of being weak in Him (if that makes any sense).
I know from reading today’s post before submitting this comment that you’re doing better by now, but… I still wanted to write and say…
Big hugs and lots of love and prayers.
I leave this blog every day with a feeling and spirit I have never known before. I have never prayed for anyone as much as I have prayed for you and I will never stop. You have changed my life and I know His mercy and grace are upon your amazing life in every tear and every breath. There is an entire army out here in bloggityville lifting you up and holding you close.
Why?
Why you have touched my soul…..
Why you have brought me closer to our savior….
Why I have opened up my own Bible to read again….
Why I humble myself before the Lord and you…
Why I have such an emotional feeling for you and your family….without even knowing you…
Why you inspire me so much you will never know…
Why God is love….
These are just a few….
Why thank you ……..God Bless you and your family through all the whys you may have.
Heather- while I can’t speak to your suffering, I do know our suffering and heartache can never compare to our Lord’s crucifixion. Whatever may come, offer this suffering up to Him. He will give it back to you with all the grace you need to carry on…no matter what.
All my love and prayers- Rachel