That was my opening line yesterday evening as I sat across from a LCSW… just me and her. You read that right, just me and her.
I was a bit apprehensive going in and seeing that I was the only one. (in fact, I made my husband wait in the parking lot for 10 minutes while I planned on making an excuse to leave) But it wasn’t that bad, in fact it was really really good.
We talked about many things, but one thing really stuck out to me. She said that one of the biggest things brain cancer patients say is that the “look the same on the outside, but they arent the same emotionally”. Boy can I relate to that! Any one who knows me knows that I was an extrovert before surgery, the life of the party. Now, I am content sitting on the sidelines and watching, I am content if no-one talks to me or asks me questions. In reality that has alot to do with my fear that people will listen to me talk and wonder what is wrong with me or think that I am “not all there”… I know that this fear is compounded by my image of me before surgery, but it is still there and it is still real, atleast to me. Another thing I notice is that I am content being an introvert. I don’t have to be the focus of attention, in fact I would prefer not to be. Laurel (that was her name, btw) asked me how I was dealing with the changes I was experiencing, and honestly I kinda like the new me.
I wake up each morning and am just happy to be here. I love my husband and my children a little more fiercely now, as well as my parents. they have all been so good through this entire ordeal. I notice things, like birds chirping, in fact there is a bird chirping right now outside of my lanai, and it sounds beautiful. I take time to water my plants, as silly as that sounds. I was the “plant killer” in this house before! I couldn’t be bothered to slow down enough to do that, now I do. I enjoy doing laundry and cleaning, because it means I still have the energy to do so.
My reality has changed in such a short time, but also my view of myself has changed. I am not the person I use to be, and I kinda like the new Heather… She is bright and honest. She has one heck of a husband who loves her dearly. She has kids who she adores and they adore her. She has parents who would move heaven and earth for her, literally. She has a life that means more to her post cancer than it did pre cancer.
I wouldnt have chosen cancer, but it is here now, and through it Christ is molding me into the person He wants me to be.
I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world.
youo’ve made this extroverted, on-the-go, plant-killer think about the absolute beauty of each MOMENT…not just each day.
I will admit that, since I’ve been following your story, I have slowed down quite a bit. I, too, find great joy in folding clean clothes and observing rather than doing all the time.
Thank you for sharing the new Heather with us. Without a doubt, both are pretty special people.
You go girl!
You’ve embraced the moment. No one would choose cancer…but there are blessings every day. Thank you for your gentle reminder that we need to be thankful even in our trials. Every thing counts, every minute counts…thank you for that realization. Have a very blessed day and weekend, Heather. You and your family deserve it!
Paula
Keep on walking by faith!!! Only blessings can come, may they pour like rain!
Once again you have brought me to my knees. Thank you so much for your honesty. Thank you for being you!!
Bonita…..
This is really a powerful post.
I have commented before so I don’t want to bore you with stuff you already know. With my chronic condition of ITP and ongoing treatment at the Texas Cancer Center for it, it is not the path I would’ve chosen for myself either. I am not thankful for it but I am thankful for the things that God has revealed to me becasue of it. I would go through it all over again because of what I have gained! If the ultimate goal is for us to become more Christ-like, just think how the Father smiles when He sees us becoming just that, as He allows trials and struggles to come into our lives. Blessings to you and your family!
Connie
You’re joining the ranks of those uniquely qualified to not take things for granted. It’s a good place to be.
Btw, I was a plant killer too. Now, I’ve slowed down and enjoy nuturing. I love to tend to plants and watch them grow green and strong.
Everytime I come to your blog I am amazed by your strength and faith that you have. Keep your head up and keep pressing forward. I hope you have a lovely weekend.
I just have to say that you are so AMAZING and your life story just astonishes me. I haven’t commented in awhile, but please know that I’m here…keeping up with your story and praying for you. I’m so happy (and relieved) that you are doing so well and that you were able to have surgery and that it went so well and on and on…God is so wonderful!!!
Oh, Heather- what a beautiful post for today. I have truly been blessd by your spirit of gentleness and honesty and faith. God bless you in your journey- and thank you for allowing me to be a part of it…
xo
God is amazing. As are you. Sorry it’s taken so long— took me a bit longer than I expected to finish…but a little present of comfort is on it’s way… something to wrap you in love and beauty….
ts
Heather: Enjoy each moment, but plant perennials!
Love and peace. Sandra
Wow. Just, wow. You’ve motivated me to maybe go give my plants a little drink–I, too, am a plant killer.
I only ever knew you pre-cancer. I’m sure I would find the “New Heather” just as weonderful a person and friend. Hugs from MN and forgive the typos. Toby’s helping.ki
Heather,
My father Had brain cancer as well. I helped take care of him until the day he died. He defintely wasn’t the same. my mom and I had to help him walk, change his diapers etc. It was really rough experince. We got through it. God is the great physician as well. I will continue to pray for Gods healing touch over you.
Oh, and BTW, Aidan’s still proud he can curl his tongue.
You gave him a great memory of your trip to MN!
This is how this scrpiture works -
Cancer was not design for you, but God took it and worked it for good -
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
Thanks for reminding me to slow down. God is SO good and I love being able to see that through you.
there is something about having cancer and then actually saying those wrods to a perfect stranger that i too found unnerving! later that day i realized that i said those words to the gilda club social worker , with strength and determination , without fear in my voice. after , i felt strangely empowered. cancer, after a year , has actually become “matter o fact”…sometimes i still cannot believe that it has changed so drastically since that fateful day of diagnosis. i , the worlds’ biggest needle phobiac!
God has changed my world!
Amen. What a blessing your life is to so many and thank you for reminding us all to slow down and pray for His guidance and take the time to just listen.
My mom had a brain aneursynm burst last summer, and the Dr.’s said many times, anytime you have something go wrong with your brain, it can change your emotions and personality.
Amazing to see the road God is leading you down, but HE is leading and it appears you are following so faithfully!
I love your heart……and your “brain for God.”
Sandy
What a precious perspective. I like the new you, too.
That is so true! How well I relate to everything you said! It is weird that it took cancer to change us in that way. I never thought I would be thankful for going through cancer or see it as a blessing in my life, but it defintiely was. One of my friends kept asking me to think about what God was teaching me through this. Sometimes that was not easy, because soemtimes He does not let us know why we are going through something, but I can tell you that He definitely did teach me things that I probably would have never learned otherwise! He also showed Himself to me and I felt His closeness stronger than ever before. That in itself was blessing enough!
God bless you this day!
Love, Gina
May God continue to give you strength and courage…and never strip you of this beautiful spirit in which you greet each new day…I am praying for you and your family, that each moment, each day, draws you closer to Him…and His love.
donna
Hi Heather,
I really enjoy the new and introverted you! Have you ever read the essay by Emily Pearl Kingsley called “Holland”? You probably have, but I love it. We played in Holland a few times over the years, as our middle son was labeled Lanuage Delayed at a very young age and then Learning Disabled in first grade. But we stayed in Holland when Steven was diagnosed, and I enjoy it!
Life can be different and it can be difficult, but my goodness it is great!
Oh, Heather. My prayers for you yesterday were for peace, and it certainly sounds like you’ve found it. Whatever the means, that’s wonderful.
Enjoy every day.
I love taking the time to stop and listen to the birds and to watch how God makes plants grow. God speaks profoundly through the simple things in life.
I am so proud of you. I don’t know you, but I like the new Heather too! He is working incredible character into your life that goes so deep, you won’t even recognize your own self! He is kind, and He is going to walk with you every moment and show you amazing things, (and already is) These are lessons, that we all need to learn, and we are learning them as we walk with you on your journey. Thanks for that. So……….. whether you realize it or not, you are definitely NOT on the sidelines, you are learning and leading on your journey.
Bless you
Hmmm…. Since most of us know you post-HSB Blogger Awards, and because your typed words are the ones we hear, you are still out going and honest. Jesus shines (beams) from your blog pages. Your love for your family radiates as you speak about each one.
We love the Heather we know.
Because of Jesus, Bobbie
Wow! Very powerful! I ever really thought that perhaps I too am being molded into the person Christ wants me to be…..I am so touched by your words.
I am amazed at the strength you have, Heather, in facing this. I can see that it is all Him.
Would someone post here who this is in the YouTube link? I recognize the voice, but can’t come up with name. I’d so like to buy a CD of his.
I changed after my brain surgery. I am much quieter and more intorverted than before. 17 years later that hasn’t changed. I can’t imagine myself any other way now. I used to be a plant killer too:)
Wow – what an encourager you are to all of us! You are so beautiful!!
I know it’s not the same but I feel that way since I came to Christ. In my case, I was the extrovert, always seeking attention, seeking out conversation and connections to feel “included” and “loved”.
But, since I found Christ, then DaHubby, a new sense of peace, no longer seeking out external affirmation, I’m more content to sit and watch my truly, kindly extrovert of a husband “work the crowd”! LOL
I love the change in me as well! *wink*
Just reading that has brought tears to my eyes. I am so glad it went well with you last night. And I’m blessed to see how the Lord is constantly showing you things in your life.
JoAnn
You are such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing.
Heather, I stumbled across your story from another site. Here is the site of a man who has walked the path before you, and his life completely changed as well. He began to follow his lifelong dream of being a songwriter and left the rat race because he thought his days were numbered. He is still around, however, and he gives God the credit. Maybe his testimony will help.
http://www.davidmbailey.com/history.cfm
Everytime I read your posts I am encouraged to just keep going. Thank you so much for who you are!
Wow, Heather. I find this so interesting and amazing and encouraging and convicting and emotional….thank you for sharing it. I’m going to go sit on the porch with my children.
I relate to everything you said, too, but my big change came because of losing my mother. I am such a better person for it, though, and I like the new me much better than the old.
I’m so happy for you that you faced your fear and ended up having a good conversation with Laurel in the process.
Prayers and hugs,
Karen
WOW! Beautiful. Heather, you have a beautiful LIFE….I am not talking about your illness…but, youe life is truly beautiful. I am so glad you are seeing it.
Blessings from above. Thank you for reminding us to slow down and enjoy the moment. Take care!
Hey Heather I am glad to hear that things went well last night for you. I just wanted to say that I love that song. It is one of my favorites and everytime I hear it I smile because although being broken is so painful at times, its one of the best places to be, If I am broken than He has not given up on me and He still has his hand in my life and I still continue to grow and have life. It took a long time to appreciate that kind of pain but there is so much power in it.
Take care
Michelle
Heather, you are so amazing. I love your transparency, and I only wish I could meet you face to face and share coffee (or Diet Pepsi) time with you.
I don’t know why this happened to you and your family, but you are living out Romans 8:28 and Romans 8:37 to all of us. Thank you for being so bold in your walk, and for allowing us to walk along with you.
Every day my son asks about you, and every time he asks, he wants me to let you know that Jesse is praying for you.
It kind of reminds me of that Tim McGraw song, “Live Like You Were Dying.”
You are amazing.
Oh sweet Heather… you continue to touch my very deepest part…
I must say, you have been blessed with a wonderful, caring family. And they have been blessed with wonderful, caring you!
I love that a license clinical social worker was able to help you. I work with MSW students from start to finish, and it is always good to hear stories about them that are positive – not the kind t.v. portrays of social workers taking children away, and that’s all they do.
I loved this post. I am curious about your speech now. Are you in therapy for that? Just curious. Don’t answer if you don’t want to.
I love your writing, your thoughts, your heart.
Heather, Dear-
You are embracing this so beautifully! I am so glad you have the family you have to help carry you through this and your “bloggyville” friends too.
You touch me each time you write. Thank you!
Lovingly,
Shari