That was my opening line yesterday evening as I sat across from a LCSW… just me and her. You read that right, just me and her.
I was a bit apprehensive going in and seeing that I was the only one. (in fact, I made my husband wait in the parking lot for 10 minutes while I planned on making an excuse to leave) But it wasn’t that bad, in fact it was really really good.
We talked about many things, but one thing really stuck out to me. She said that one of the biggest things brain cancer patients say is that the “look the same on the outside, but they arent the same emotionally”. Boy can I relate to that! Any one who knows me knows that I was an extrovert before surgery, the life of the party. Now, I am content sitting on the sidelines and watching, I am content if no-one talks to me or asks me questions. In reality that has alot to do with my fear that people will listen to me talk and wonder what is wrong with me or think that I am “not all there”… I know that this fear is compounded by my image of me before surgery, but it is still there and it is still real, atleast to me. Another thing I notice is that I am content being an introvert. I don’t have to be the focus of attention, in fact I would prefer not to be. Laurel (that was her name, btw) asked me how I was dealing with the changes I was experiencing, and honestly I kinda like the new me.
I wake up each morning and am just happy to be here. I love my husband and my children a little more fiercely now, as well as my parents. they have all been so good through this entire ordeal. I notice things, like birds chirping, in fact there is a bird chirping right now outside of my lanai, and it sounds beautiful. I take time to water my plants, as silly as that sounds. I was the “plant killer” in this house before! I couldn’t be bothered to slow down enough to do that, now I do. I enjoy doing laundry and cleaning, because it means I still have the energy to do so.
My reality has changed in such a short time, but also my view of myself has changed. I am not the person I use to be, and I kinda like the new Heather… She is bright and honest. She has one heck of a husband who loves her dearly. She has kids who she adores and they adore her. She has parents who would move heaven and earth for her, literally. She has a life that means more to her post cancer than it did pre cancer.
I wouldnt have chosen cancer, but it is here now, and through it Christ is molding me into the person He wants me to be.
I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world.
Extrovert or Introvert, I just like Heather!
I’m praying for you Sister…so glad, so very glad for the miracle of you!
Love,
Holly
You are such a powerful witness to God’s strength being made perfect in your weaknesses!
Wow!!! God is good. It is great when we can see God working in us and in our lives. God is good!!!
You are a beautiful person. You have a wonderful family too.
I, by nature, am an introvert but my daughter’s illnesses had forced me to become an extrovert to an extent.
I appreciate your posts. You are kind, honest, loving and always faithful. Your messages uplift me. Thank you for that. I hope this doesn’t sound weird or anything, but I dreamed that I met you in person and was able to give you a hug – one that close friends would give each other. You are an inspiration.
Thank you again,
From one heart mom to another,
Nancy
Thank you Heather! You’ve answered a question I’ve been dealing with today … about illness and healing and God’s part in it all … Thank you for sharing with us your amazing, God-honoring testimony of His unfailing faithfulness in the midst of each storm.
Louise in MI
I have been doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself that my babies are growing up and leaving home. (This is a good thing) Here you are facing cancer and counting it as a blessing and not a feeling sorry for yourself even a little bit. I found your blog through Kristy a blogging friend of mine.
Blessing to you and your family!
I will be praying for you,
Lori
That is awesome. My sister and I were just having a conversation last night about how God uses tragedy to teach us things. I’ve learned a lot just by reading you. Still praying for you frequently too. : )
Heather, you continue to challenge and awe me. I needed this reminder this morning. For me, there was the pre-twin Elisa who ran around busy all the time and over-committed, stressed out and difficult to live with. God delivered twins into my life…a dramatic life change that I didn’t ask for, but got anyway. He used it to mold me into the woman He wants me to be. Occasionally I crave the old days, with less responsibility and less intensity, but then I look at all that I’ve learned, all that I’ve experienced, as I’ve been forced to slow down, tend the nest, love on overflowing lap-full of children and realize that I am entirely grateful for the lesson of “Being Still and Knowing God” that God has taught me through these past two years.
So, I understand the concept of pre and post, Heather. And I understand what it means to like the post better. When it is under God’s authority and mercy, it is a gift, no matter what the circumstances are that got us there. For the Lord uses all things together for the good of those who love Him and He is fulfilling this Romans 8:28 promise in you.
With much love…
Elisa
Your post moved me a great deal. In a way, you are a little luckier than the rest of us, because you love what you have a little more ‘fiercely’ than the rest of us. That’s a good thing. Life and love are precious. We should all remember that everyday we wake up to a new day. I’m thinking good thoughts for you and your family.
Heather,
You are amazing and wonderful exactly as you are yesterday, today and tomorrow. I am in awe of your ability to meet challenges directly and honestly. You are standing firm in your faith and in your love for your family as well as for yourself. You are an inspiration and a wonderful example of God’s love and mercy. Thanks for sharing with us!
Heather,
My prayers for you continue. And you are so right … it is through every cross we carry that Christ molds us and draws us ever closer to Him.
in Him,
Karen
You are a truly a modern day Paul…to have such faith and find God in the midst of literally everything that happens. Thank you for continuing to share your story. You are daily in my prayers.
You are being conformed to the image of Christ…That is SO cool! Keep on rejoicing in who He has made and in how He is changing you.
Its funny how somethng so traumatic like a serious illness can actually improve the quality of our lives, because it makes us more grateful and less shallow. But thats the goodness of God. If He brings us to it, He will bring us through it….and we will be better for it.
Heather, YOU RULE… both Pre-Cancer and Post-Cancer… we all adore you!!!
(By the way, I don’t even OWN any plants anymore.)
Like so many others have said, you continue to amaze and challenge me. You are a light.
Heather-WOW! You are such an inspiration to me to live the life that the Lord has given me T-O-D-A-Y and I should rejoice in every minute (through laundry, dishes, children not being as jazzed about their lessons as their mother!). You have taught me to be thankful for even the “imperfect” moments here on my earthly home because Jesus has an eternity of perfect moments for me in His house.
I do not rejoice in your getting cancer but I do rejoice that I have met you thru this blog, my sister in Christ. God bless you and your family,
Jennifer
I am a plant killer too, I never really realized that it may just be because I am too preoccupied with life. I will tell you, your journey has made me thankful as well for every second I get with my family, and also to be thankful just for everything that is in my life! Still raying for you, oh and I love the new look!
You sound wonderful, like you really know what important in life. Im praying for you to continue to grow into the person God has designed you to be.
Heather-
The new design is absolutely beautiful! I love it and it really suits your personality.
Lovingly,
Shari
You’ve been in my thoughts *alot* as I go through some “stuff” of my own right now, not yet knowing what is going on. You’re such an inspiration to me, Heather. If I had just one ounce of your courage and strength, I would be on top of the world. I pray that God blesses your family’s socks clean off. Hang in there and God bless YOU.
~Toni~
Love the new look! Very fresh, just like your outlook on life. Blessings to you my sister!
Heather, you are such an encouragement to me. We are going through completely different circumstances but we are both lumps of clay on the Potter’s wheel, trusting His hand as he molds us into what he wants us to be. Praying for you!
Karen
An introverted plant killer
Heather you are ever the inspiration of what God can do when we let him be in charge. Stay strong and trust him for he knows everything about you and what you can handle.
Glad to hear that the chemo was easier when you changed the nausa medication. I know it’s not fun and being sick can make make it even more uncomfortable.
Prayers continue on your behalf. Hugs, Norma
I came to see if there was a new post…and it seems that there is a whole new site! I LOVE the new look.
A new look for a new Heather?
I’ve always said that if there is one thing that I will always be grateful for from Steven’s illness, it is the new way we look at the world. It’s amazing, isn’t it? No more hushes, no more rushes…just lots of time appreciating what we have. It’s amazing.
Take care…
thank you for letting us into your life and thoughts. so humbling. and inspiring.
one of my favorite things about your new site is the map of your readers. wow. look at all the people God is using you to touch. amazing. thank you for allowing Him to use you in such an awesome way as blogging such difficult things.
thank you again.
Dear Heather,
All I can say is…wow….I am truly amazed by you. Thank you so much for sharing with us all.
Love and Prayers.
Glad to hear you’re doing better! Now, I have a story for you and prayer request and prayer icon. It’s on my homeschoolblogger.com/nancysnook site. Please go read it and pass it on~
Heather, I am so pleased that your second night went so very much better. I find I have good times and bad for no rhyme or reason. In fact tomorrow is my Intravenous day then I will have a rest day then my holiday starts on the Wednesday.
By the way, why did you change your design yet again? I do like it however, but where is your contact e-mail, I have been looking but can’t find it. I look forward to the time you will have both the time and the inclination to drop me a line, meanwhile I will continue to drop by daily, often a few times a day just to see if you have added anything else.
Take Care
Love Carolynn xx
Heather, I’m new in my walk with my lord and savior. Your faith and your outlook are an inspiration
Carolynn
I emailed you, I apologize for it taking me so long… as you can imagine I am overwhelmed with emails right now!
Thanks for praying for me (and for pointing out my contact was missing.. I re added it to the nav menu).
-H
Just praying here in PA. I just lost my beloved grandmother to peritoneal carcinoma 8 weeks ago and when I popped into your site I was not sure I could handle reading your story. I did and was blessed for it! Thank you for writing it all down. I look forward to reading more and will be praying.
Fellow plant killing, homeschooling mom with a MRS degree and loving it,
Angel
You are such an inspiration. Still praying…many blessings. ~*Sarah*~
Just stopping by to let you know that you are in my daily prayers.
love ya.
Annie
Hi, Heather,
I’ve only posted here once before, but I do lurk and read a lot and I wanted to pop out again to say thanks for all that you’re sharing about yourself and for sharing your faith so clearly and strongly. It’s inspirational!
Heather, I’ve only posted here a couple of times before (you can look at my blog if you’d like to know a bit more about me), but I wanted to tell you that I prayed for you and your family today in church. We sang the Darlene Zschech (SP??) song “At The Foot Of The Cross”, which is a song YOU introduced me to right here on your blog, before your surgery. It is one of my favorite worship songs now, and as we sang today I was reminded of you and all that you are going through.
I prayed that God would continue to give you grace and strength as you heal from the surgery and go through chemo, etc. I prayed that He would guard/protect the hearts of your children, and that He would use what you are going through as a means to bring them to a saving knowledge of Him as their Savior. I prayed for your husband, that he would (continue to) be a prayer warrior over you and the hero and protector of your family, and that God would grow you two more and more in your love for one another (which I know he is doing). And I prayed for your healing — that He would help you through the physical discomforts your are experiencing b/c of the chemo (and take them away even!). And that you would continue to know God’s presence with you in and through all of this.
And then of course I cried bittersweet tears for you because although I know that God is SO good and you are experiencing Him in a way that wouldn’t be possible without this trial, I am still so very sorry for all you are going through right now. God be with you, my sister in Christ …
Rebekah,
Thank you…. from the bottom of my heart.
(Did you mean “At the Cross” because we sang that this morning at my church too!
)
Awesome post, Heather. I liked the you before, too. You just have a newer, deeper layer… and you are seeing the details in life that so many of us miss because we are in such a hurry. It is so great to hear your thoughts on these things… and we could all benefit from a more simple schedule that makes time for the joys that God has blessed us with. Thanks for reminding us!
Heather, Oops! Yes, I meant “At The Cross”. What an incredible, incredible song. I am sending out the YouTube link you posted, as well as your story/testimony to all my fellow worship lovers! =) Can you get through it without any tears, ‘cuz I had them streaming down my face yesterday! I’m doing my darndest to get our church to add it to our “repetoire”. Do you mind my asking what church you go to? (Maybe you could email me the answer if you don’t want to share this publicly??)
Heather, you are a tower of strength. God bless you as you go forward in this new life. I have noticed, I too, liked to be “in the center of it all” and was always busy. Now things have slowed down considerably for me and I do enjoy the birds chirping and watching the fish in our pond. I certainly would not have chosen this life either, but it has really changed my perspective on everything. I learned to wake up each morning and thank God for waking me up and starting me on my way. He is so good!
You’re such an inspiration! I forward some of your posts to my husband, so he can “slow down” and enjoy the simple things…
I got all misty reading this, thanking God for the simple things and YOU!