He knows…

Jesus said that every hair of my head
is numbered and that not one
shall perish without His knowing.
I ponder these words and hear Him say,
Draw close my child;
let My love be your covering.
Feel My hands
upon your hairless head
and hear My tender words
of compassion and comfort.
Rest, relax, I will cover you
during this time of trial and tears.
And when your beautiful hair
has all grown back there will be
glory of a deep dimension
because you have walked with Me.

-Angelina Fast-Vlaar

Today, my hair began to fall out in clumps. I stood in the shower this morning and watched it go down the drain.

I keep reminding myself that Jesus knows my heart…yet I feel vain for shedding tears over this…

Remember when I said that I didn’t want to be the girl with cancer who lost her hair?

I just became that girl.

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  1. Stephanie says:

    Oh, how I cried when my hair fell out . . . my oncologist had assured me my shoulder length hair would begin to fall out about 13 days after my first chemo treatment and would be gone by about 17 days. I bravely said I was praying that my hair would be spared . . . I was so proud of my hair.

    First I cut it short, then I ordered a wig, and on day 13 it began to come out in by handfuls. My family didn’t want me to get upset, thankfully they had left the house when I had my meltdown. It was just me and God. And he reminded me that the hairs on my head were numbered and he knew just what I was going through. Then he gave me a “picture” of how he felt when Jesus’ hair and beard were plucked out before His crucifixion . . . As he watched me struggle, it affected Him, too, because I’m His child.

    And now 1 year later my hair is short and growing and everyone tells me how cute it is. The part I hated most about losing my hair is that it made me “look” sick. I didn’t look or feel sick until my hair came out and the other effects of chemo took hold. It’s okay to grieve over the loss. The loss of my hair was more “painful” to me than the scars from my biopsy.

    I hope you fell His loving arms holding you especially today.


  2. Well, bless your heart, sweetie! And might I say, your Daddy is just the best! He made me want to cry my eyes out (but I’m kinda at work – so it’s probably not the best idea)!

    I started a series with the kids in the youth group a couple of weeks ago called “Worship in the Storm” (your story has given such great illustration). At the end of the second chapter (which asks “why me?”), there’s a psalm that you can have the students insert their name into the psalm taken from 1 Samuel 2:1 when Hannah was rejoicing. Let me insert your name into this and see what happens.

    “The Lord has filled Heather’s heart with joy; Heather feels very strong in the Lord. Heather can laugh at her enemies; Heather is glad because God has helped her!”

    I LOVE IT!!!!!! And I love you, too!! 😉

  3. Lorri in Idaho says:

    :O) I really have no idea how I found your blog this morning, just stumbled upon it I guess. As I write this, tears are running down my face (and my little dog is licking them), be strong, be brave and know that I will be thinking positive thoughts for you.

    xoxo love LOVE from Idaho

  4. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. I will continue to pray for you. JoAnn

  5. Just so you aren’t freaked out like I was when I started losing my hair during chemo, it’s possible your scalp might start feeling sore. I still can’t figure out why my scalp was sore as I was losing hair, it was fine once all the hair had fallen out. Just don’t be concerned if you experience the same thing!

  6. Awww ((Heather)) I am so sorry hun. Just remember that it will come back, and alot of times I read people like it better when it comes back! It is not vain by any means, that is your “glory”, mourn it as you should. xoxo melzie

  7. I am sad with you. It is not vain to mourn the loss of your hair. Our hair is a very important part of our psychological make up so it makes good sense to miss it and to want it to be a part of us.

  8. Oh Heather, I’m so sorry. But, please don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s ok to feel sad and it’s ok to be a little vain sometimes. God meets us right where we are…


  9. im so sorry…hugs to you heather

  10. Four years ago I had brain surgery to correct a seizure disorder, and had to have my entire head shaved for the surgery. I felt so ugly – and ashamed for feeling vain.
    One Sunday Jesus met me in a beautiful way I will never, ever, ever forget. He assured me He cared. He cared about my feelings. He cared about my heart. He cared that I was sad my hair was gone. All I could do was cry at the joy of knowing He cared.
    And I know He cares about your heart, too. Please let the feelings of vanity go and just rest knowing He loves you and HE CARES!

  11. well… I’m not very mature.. but that just stinks. WHether you know it may happen or not- it’s rough. Will be praying.

    Hats- and scarves..(maybe, pretty, silk handknit ones?) . Now is the time to try something fun;) Regardless- you are one of the most truly beautiful women I’ve ever “met” ok…online. sheesh. I gotta get out more!

    You’ll get through this…. just keep standing- girl.. and when you need to sit- sit in HIS lap. much love- ts

    Your Dad made me cry.

  12. Oh sweetie I know how hard this is, I’ve been there. I cried and cried in the shower every day until I just could not take it anymore and I shaved it all off. It gave me control over the situation, I didn’t have to watch and feel my hair fall out, it’s a tough thing to do though.

    Hugs, hugs and more hugs.

  13. I am so sorry. I cannot even pretend to know what you are feeling…just know you are being thought about and prayed for. Heather, you are truly an amazing woman…and I do believe you are gorgeous, hair or not!!!

  14. jessica says:

    And you are still beautiful…inside and out.

    I know this is hard for you, and no one blames you for shedding tears over this. I don’t know that any of us could contain that sort of emotion when faced with this. Hang in there; you will make it through. We love you, hair or not.


  15. Oh Heather, I’m so sorry. It happened so fast that I’m sure it was a shock. It’s harder for ladies, too. My dad was mostly bald before his chemo started so he didn’t mind too much. We painted his head like an egg at Easter. It made the kids less upset about Grandpa’s bald head. He got a kick out of it. But like I said–it’s different for men. I totally understand being upset about this. The Bible says our long hair is given to us as a covering. Well, it’s a symbol and you are still covered!

  16. I think that sometimes, as women, we have wrapped our idea of feminity up in our hair. Crying over lost hair isn’t vanity. Your appearance is going to change (temporarily!), but you’re still going to be beautiful and feminine. And you can beat this! This is just one more step toward regaining your health. I don’t comment often, but I do read this every day and I pray for you.

  17. I’m so sorry – hugs and prayers to you.

  18. ((((Hugs))))
    I read about you everyday and pray for you every day.
    I cried with you today.
    You are beautiful inside and out.

  19. Oh sweet Heather! I wish I had something insightful to say, but I know nothing I can say matters – other than to say we are earnestly, steadfastly keeping you and your family in our prayers!


  20. Siobhan says:

    Hi Heather,
    Go ahead and cry! Your hair falling out is a cry-able event. However, try to remember this, you hair falling out means you are that much closer to the end of your treatment. The end of this journey that you are bringing us all along for!
    Your grace will sustain you.
    Prayers for your family are coming to you from Illinois.

  21. I don’t see that you are vain at all!!! Us gals naturally want to look nice and hair is a HUGE part of it!!

    I am sitting here weeping with you, for you, to the Lord. The very One who makes hair grow can most certainly make it grow back. I’ll just ask Him to hurry it up a bit.

    Mrs. U

  22. Heather, even today you inspire me. I am praying for you right now.


  23. I bet you are just as beautiful without hair as you were with hair. Inside and out. ((((Hugs)))

  24. This weekend I did the race for the cure in my area. The most beautiful women down there were the survivors that had lost their hair. It wasn’t us sweaty ones that had our hair in a pony tail. My heart cheered for those survivors and my heart ached for what they have endured on every level. I think of you today and I pray for you today.
    Bald Is Beautiful!

  25. Dang! I am so sorry. Praying hard.

  26. A Grandmother in Alabama says:

    Stand straight and tall Heather. Hair is just hair and a lot of trouble.. You will still be beautiful and it will come back.

  27. oldqueen44 says:

    Ah…who needs hair when you have such a beautiful face. Have fun with different wigs and head band and wraps and…
    God’s blessings to you.

  28. Oh, Heather , my heart goes out to you. It must be a hard thing to watch that happen. But as comments above has said your heart is what stands out with you, and it’s beautiful!

  29. Jennifer says:

    until now i have been watching, reading and praying for you adn your family. And somehow trying to change how I envision my life because of the path you have had to tread. your story, your courage and your faith have just been a blazing exmple for me.

    7 years ago my mom had her 1st bout with cancer. it was christ,mas, several weeks after she had beegun both radiation and chemo- they were visiting- and I heard a terrible cry from upstairs. I ran to see my mom in the shower with the “clumps ” you described. I can’t say I know how you feel, but that day I watched my mom (who does not have the faith in Christ you do) and cried with her.

    its ok to feel. and thank you for sharing your trials with us. You are contanatly in my thoughts and prayers. I pray God will do a mighty work though you. thank you for sharing and letting us see you walk through this fire….

  30. It’s not vanity. I think everyone who this happens to feels this way. One way to try to think of it is everytime you see the hair coming out try to think of it as the cancer coming out with it. I don’t know if that will help, but I hope it does. You are doing great through all of this, and don’t feel bad if you have bad days or bad feelings about all of it. You seem like a very good person with positive thoughts, even through all of what’s happening to you, and I think that helps.


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