He knows…

Jesus said that every hair of my head
is numbered and that not one
shall perish without His knowing.
I ponder these words and hear Him say,
Draw close my child;
let My love be your covering.
Feel My hands
upon your hairless head
and hear My tender words
of compassion and comfort.
Rest, relax, I will cover you
during this time of trial and tears.
And when your beautiful hair
has all grown back there will be
glory of a deep dimension
because you have walked with Me.

-Angelina Fast-Vlaar

Today, my hair began to fall out in clumps. I stood in the shower this morning and watched it go down the drain.

I keep reminding myself that Jesus knows my heart…yet I feel vain for shedding tears over this…

Remember when I said that I didn’t want to be the girl with cancer who lost her hair?

I just became that girl.

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Comments

  1. Oh my, I regret hitting the submit button….what if that link does not put a smile in your face… I’m sorry if it doesn’t…

    Liza

  2. Liza! You worry too much! It did make me smile!
    -H

  3. Thanks Heather.
    Here’s a more serious one – different case, same struggle:
    http://jscms.jrn.columbia.edu/cns/2005-02-15/altman-baldwomen/

  4. and oh, I meant to say you’d be number 9 on that list. (I somehow thought there were 10 while I was typing my comment ;). When I re-read it, there’s only 8 in his list.

    OK, I better log off and go home (yes, I’m at work peeking πŸ™‚

    πŸ™‚ Liza

  5. Sending hugs and prayers to you.

  6. Praying. And glad you have made it, by His grace, through this difficult day.

  7. Ahhhh, Heather! I know that the loss of your hair is difficult and painful. But for many of us along in the journey with you it is also a beautiful symbol of the cleansing taking place and the renewal that God is making possible in you!

    You are so beautiful and your face is so perfect for the look you will have for a while. I bet you wear scarves and hats so well!

    You’ve been forced to face a lot of fears lately. You’ve had no choice in any of this. My heart aches for you when I read that you are sad or dealing with yet another cross to bear. But each day that I lift you up in prayer, I know that God has amazing plans for you and is holding you closely through each and every step you take in this journey.

    Hang in there, Heather. You are so loved and so beautiful…hair is overrated anyway!

    Hugs and prayers…

  8. Heather, Ya know a friend of mine lost her hair to chemo and radiation and when it came back it came in curly she actually went from straight and annoying to curly and cute. How many can say they had that they had that kind of change without a perm. praying for you and yours

  9. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

    I’m so sorry that this is happening.

    You really are beautiful, inside and out. And a smile will keep people from looking to your hair!

    A sweet friend recently was bald from treatment of breast cancer. She used to wear the flashiest most sparkly earrings ever! (To make up for the lack of hair!)

    So, if the hair isn’t going to stay for you, wear some great earrings, wear your beautiful smile, and wear your faith.

    You’re beautiful!

  10. Oh Heather, your beauty hasn’t laid in your hair for many, many weeks now.

    But I’m sorry you’re sad about it. πŸ™ It will come back.

    I’ll bet you have a nice head shape and will find some beautiful scarves. And just think! You have such an opportunity now to share the Gospel! Being a woman with no hair and a scarf buys you the same freedom of speech and credibility as a little old lady who wants to tell everyone she meets about her Jesus. I’d listen. Who wouldn’t? Now go show the world your “beautiful feet.” πŸ˜‰

  11. (((Heather))),
    All my love to you as a sister in Christ Jesus. You are beautiful.
    Blessings,
    ~Toni~

  12. Heather,
    I have been reading your blog since just before your surgery… not even sure how I stumbled upon it. Anyway, you have been an inspiration to me – like you have to so many others. I pray for you.. I have my husband praying for you… I have shared your blog with everyone in my small group and all of my girlfriends and family… you are helping us all grow as Christians, women, and moms!

    I know that aside from praying there isn’t much that I can do to return to you what you are giving to me… but I’d like to try, just a little! How about a “hat shower?” I’d love to send you a cute hat. I’ve always looked just terrible in hats and this would be a great excuse for me buy one! If you’re up for it, email me with your mailing address and I’m off tomorrow to find a great a hat!!

  13. I’m so sorry, Heather. I know you dreaded this. There is no way I can understand how that moment felt, so I won’t pretend to.

    Your dad said it all when he said it’s who you “are” that makes you beautiful.

    Inside, you are whole. You are full of the love of your family, friends and most importantly, your Saviour. There is no room for more inside.

    I’ll try to call in the next day or so around Dr’s appts.

    I need my Heather fix πŸ™‚

  14. Heather,
    You don’t know me… but I have been following your story and want you to know you are in my prayers. I wanted to let you know about a dear friend of mine who has gone through the cancer journey this past two years. He is a great man of God and is also young with a family. I think you would really gain strength by reading his blog. Here is the link: http://www.jeremyerickson.com/cancer/?m=200505
    Blessings to you – you are in our prayers
    Christine Steendahl

  15. Oh, sweetie, I am praying for you. I am so sorry.

    -Heather

  16. Anonymous says:

    And this, too, shall pass…

    Aren’t you glad we’re “just passing through” in this lifetime? I know I am.

    An old friend of mine wrote a book that was recently published. It’s in most Christian bookstores. It’s called “The Beautiful Ache”. I bet you’d really enjoy it.

    Aren’t you sick of people giving you book recommendations?????? πŸ™‚

  17. Anonymous says:

    P.S. The book is by Leigh McLeroy.

  18. Julie from Kentucky says:

    Heather,
    I am sooo sorry about your hair. I can not even begin to imagine what you are going through. I know it is easy to say that it is JUST hair and that it will grow back, but especially for a women it is hard to be without hair. Please know that we are still praying for you and I hope you find comfort in that. And PLEASE remember that you are touching thousands of lives daily that may not have been witnessed to in the past. I feel that your purpose it to be an instrument of the LORD. He will deliver you. WE LOVE YOU!!!

  19. Heather, I ache for your loss right now. No, it’s not vanity. Listen to your father’s wise words, and your Father’s wise words. They are both right. πŸ™‚ Blessings to one of the most beautiful women I ever hope to meet some day.

  20. Heather, my heart is embracing you! And you certainly shouldn’t feel badly for shedding tears, now or ever – that is your body’s way of releasing emotions (happy or sad). He knows your heart and hears your cries – no call to Him is left unanswered! πŸ™‚

  21. sweetie YOU TAKE CONTROL of that hair shave it off you take it off don’t wait for it to fall off take it off yourself…. Bald is beautiful baby!!!!!!

  22. (((((hugs))))) Praying for you. It is ok to cry. He understands your heart even better than you do.

  23. You are beautiful. Love, hugs and prayers…because I don’t know what else to give to someone who has given me so much in sharing your life, your faith. Your wonderful Dad! I loved reading his love for you.

  24. Oh swet Heather,
    You will never be know as that Girl! You are the Girl that loves Jesus with such a transparent heart. You are the girl that brings us to our knees. You are the girl we love. Hair or no hair, you are so beautiful.

    May we send you hats and scarves?
    Becuase of Jesus, Bobbie

  25. Anonymous says:

    Grief is expressing loss, friend…and there is NOTHING WRONG about it (regardless of how trivial or not so trivial one may think it is). The Bible says to grieve with those who grieve. Thanks for letting us grieve with you. We will look forward to rejoicing with you, as well, when you are at the end of this road (and all the small PTL’s inbetween!).

  26. Heather, athough I was very lucky when I had cancer and never had to have either chemo or radiation, I did have a hysterectomy. I know that many women have a difficult time adjusting to having their womb removed because they feel that they are no longer truely ‘feminine’. However, being a woman does not rely on having a womb, nor does it rely on having hair. Your femininity is something inside of you, something that no physical event can take away. You are beautiful and feminine Heather, with or without your hair. Your beauty is inside of you, in the person you are.

    You remain in my prayers. May God bless you and keep you safe – now and always.

  27. Carin B. from NY says:

    Heather,
    PLEASE READ THIS! PLEASE! :0)
    And make your husband read it— there’s a great organization called “Chemoangels” that I am a part of. What is does is match a willing volunteer with a patient undergoing chemo/radiation. They are most usually far across the country from each other. The volunteer (the “angel”) sends notes and care packages to the buddy (patient) weekly via regular mail (not email). It can really cheer you. Most of the volunteers are Christian, but not all, so when you or your hubby sign you up you can make sure you get a Christian if you want the faith element in your notes. THIS IS FREE! The only obligation to you is that you or your spouse (or whoever signs you up) has to check in via email once a month. You DO NOT need to correspond with the “Angel” or write thank you notes. It is just a program to send you cheer and hope in your mailbox.
    YOu might think you don’t need such a thing because you have local support, and blog friend support, but believe me, you’ll love it.

    Check out chemoangels.com for yourself.

    ****Blog readers, if you also know a chemo patient, sign up. It is such a wonderful, wonderful program! Totally Free!!
    I do hope you do it.
    PS THey also have a branch called “SeniorAngels” which pairs lonely elderly with “angels”.

  28. Heather,

    Oh, how I want to hug your sweet little neck right now. Instead I will cover you with my prayers. You are such a blessing to me and so many others. I know God is pleased with you and how you have chosen to respond to this time of your life.

  29. As part of my course of treatment at the TX Cancer Center for my ITP, I was infused with Rituxin, a chemo drug. I too remember standing in the shower and wondering why the shower pan wasn’t draining! It couldn’t because of the amount of hair that was collecting around the drain. I had 4 doses, it didn’t work in my situation, so I never lost all of my hair. It was unnerving nonetheless and I just sat in the shower and cried, I couldn’t even force myself to go to our Life Group that evening.

    Fast forward 2 1/2 years and I have to tell you, my hair is as thick as it was when I was pregnant! Not only that, my stick straight, hanging in your face, always needing a perm, sorry looking hair has beautiful curls and waves in it! For the first time in my life, I can wash my hair and do absolutely NOTHING to it and it still looks good! It figures though that everyone is straightening their these days! My timing has never been good!

    Isn’t it comforting to know that God is so intimately acquainted with us that He knows every hair on our heads!
    Connie Hopkins

  30. (((((Heather))))) I can’t imagine quite how it must feel, but I am trying.
    You are beautiful with or without hair, because of the beauty that shines from within your beautiful heart.

  31. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} When I started reading the poem, I knew what was coming. My heart is breaking for you and I’m praying for God’s comfort. I would love to knit you a comfy cotton hat…will you measure your head circumfrence (just above your ears) and e mail it to me? You’re in my thoughts and prayers. Meg

  32. KimberlyDi says:

    Society is strange. God blessed us with hair on most parts of our bodies but us humans have dictated that hair is ugly on our legs, ugly on our armpits, ugly if a unibrow, yet beautiful if on our heads…

    Beauty is reading your blog every day for inspiration. Beauty is rising above myself to care about the plight of another human being.

    You know what? Every time I’ve seen a cancer victim with no hair, I’ve never once thought “oh my god, s/he looks so ugly without hair.” You have the radiance of an angel. With or without hair.

  33. (((Heather))),

    Toni (In the Midst of This Season) let us know about you on another site right after you were diagnosed. I have been reading and praying for you and your family since then.

    I remember so well the feeling as my hair came out in clumps in the shower, not being able to rinse it off my hands, knowing it was going to happen, hoping I would be in the 1% it didn’t happen to. I had dh shave the rest off…. I cried as my 4 children tried to convince me I was still ‘beautiful’. Now you ‘get’ to be creative with your head covering. I wasn’t as creative as others. I stayed with BRIGHT bandanas. My children loved them, they could spot me anywhere! I did buy a wig, never wore it, but my son put it on and pretended to be a rock-star!

    As Connie Hopkins said… I had straight hair and it came back with beautiful curls and waves! What fun I had as it grew out. The waves lasted 3.5 years. I had the last curls cut off 8 months ago. My hair is now just as thick as it ever was.

    Heather, your witness is wonderful. Continue to hold tight to our Savior’s hand. He is walking every step of this journey with you and your family!

  34. Oh Heather. I am so terribly sorry. [[hugs]]

  35. Heather,
    It is OK to cry over this. I am crying with you. Your dad’s comment really brought on the tears as I remember my dad saying some of the same things to me just last year!
    When this is over, you will be surprsied how quickly your hair will grow back and most likely be a different texture. Mine came back even more thick and curly! I was hoping to come back as a curly red head, but I only got the curly part. If I want to be a red head, I have to use dye for that! ha!
    I am praying for you lots today!

  36. Im sorry to hear this happening, your in my prayers.

  37. Rebecca says:

    (((Heather)))) My heart just sank when I read your post this morning… I’m so, so sorry to hear about your hair. Please know that I love you, and I am praying for you. I can only echo all of the other comments that you have already gotten.

  38. heather, heather , heather,
    YOU WILL BE AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL BALD…trust me!!! I could nor believe how much hair i had when it started falling out! i was bald from november 1st, 2006 until may, 2007. and now that it has started to grow back ..I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!!!!! it is thick, soft virgin hair!!!!! AND MY EYE LASHES AND BROWS are soooo thick i will be keeping revlon tweezers in business forever!

  39. (((((((HUGS))))))))
    I am sad that you have to go through this. I’m a big worry-wart, so the possiblity of this very thing happening to me at some point crosses my mind more than normal probably. I don’t think you’re a bit “vain” to be upset about such! Like I think I read in someone else’s comment above, God designed us that way – with hair, so it’s natural to mourn for the loss of it. But I see God’s glory *inside* you (yes, even through the internet ;)) and YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!
    You are so spunky, I can see you sportin’ some kind of cool kerchief or hat or earrings or anything of your choice. πŸ™‚
    I am praying for you and especially during this, another turn in your journey with Him. I praise God that you are clinging to Him.
    Love and Hugs!

  40. Aw, sweetie. I’m so sorry! It sounded like that was really a concern of yours. Ditto on what everyone else has said. Don’t know what else to add! Hang in there! It’s all part of the process of God’s miracle for you. ((hugs))

  41. Heather, poor thing. I am so sorry. I do not think you are being vein at all, not at all. Hod created us & gave us hair, and he knows it has meaning to us, and I think especially us women. I am sorry to hear this, I think my heart fell out when I seen the headline, b/c I knew what it meant. Hopefully the process will be quick & it will grow back very quickly ok!
    I love you!
    Also, I wanted to tell you {{{I hope you do not mind}}} I have a special place on my journal for prayer requests, I copied a pic of you and linked it here & put it under my prayer requests. I also mention you in my actual prayer journal, which is right under prayer requests. I hope more people will see your story & pray for you, Emma Grace & your family.
    {{{HUGGGGGS}}}}
    Bev Adkins

  42. Praying for you today, Heather!
    With love and prayers,
    holly

  43. Your beauty is from your heart, not your head. I know there is no consoluation in that statement when you are grieving the loss of your hair. Your sweet Dad stated it so well. Praying.

  44. I don’t know you personally, but I’ve been following your site and just want you to know that I’m sorry you are going through this “trial”. God bless you as you depend on Him.

  45. I’m praying for you! I feel for you. I love my hair, I don’t know how I’d feel in the same situation! You’ll have to go out shopping and find some really cute hats!!

  46. I can totally picture you without a hair on your head and all I see is His shining Glory…pun intended, but it’s also true. When you are out and about and people give you a second look because they realize you are hairless and while they are processing it, use that opportunity…He’ll let you know how.

    Hugs…

  47. Sending you HUGE HUGE HUGE Hugs xxx

  48. Every thing I wanted to say
    Has already been said
    Shed those tears and then go buy
    A fun hat for your head!

    You’re beautiful, both in and out
    And for you we always pray
    Thank you for opening up your heart
    To inspire us every day!

  49. Karen D. says:

    97 people have posted here already before me (and I can’t possibly read them all!) but I wanted to echo what I’m sure tons of others have said: YOU ARE NOT VAIN! I mean, c’mon already! Besides just being hard on the ego, this is like PROOF that you’re going through chemo and radiation. You are entitled to grieve that. I feel like I know you from reading this blog, and if I know you like I think I do, this “setback” is just temporary and in all the strength that you draw from the Lord, you are going to find the silver lining in this too.

    Sending prayers always,
    Karen

  50. Tears with you. You’re not going alone.