Bent, but not broken..

Yesterday, I had my “woe is me” day. I refused to look in any mirrors, because it made me cry. It makes it so real. Then last night, I went into the bathroom and and began “combing” out my hair… I figured if it was going to come out, it might as well be under my control and my timing..

I now have a quite noticeable bald spot on the front left side of my head, the size of a baseball… actually I called my mom last night in tears and said “I’m shaving my head, can you come over”… Of course she did, and talked me out of it (Thanks Mom!) and took me shopping (at the only store open at that hour of the night) for scarves. Of course I think I look better in baseball caps, but there are certain places you can’t wear a hat, so….I bought some scarves.

When I was trying them on in the dressing room (I couldn’t try them on out in the open, I still have a hard time with people seeing me with no hair on the top of my head) my mom would say “Oh that one is cute!! It makes you look… ” and I would finish her sentence with “like a cancer patient”… I knew this day was coming, yet it hit me like a ton of bricks. It makes my disease so real.

This morning I woke up with a new resolve. This is just another bend in the road, and it will come back, it will, but it doesn’t make it any less painful, does it… I haven’t looked in the mirror this morning for fear of what my be looking back at me. But as I sit here, I think about how silly that is. Cancer has not changed my heart. It has not changed my smile, and it certainly has not changed who I am in Christ.

Cancer will not define my self image and self esteem. It will not rob from me my joy and it certainly will not steal my hope. Pretty soon this will become normal, a new normal. Pretty soon I will look in the mirror and see my old self again. I will be able to stand there with a smile on my face, thinking back on how far I have come.

I am a wife, mother and daughter. I am a child of the everlasting King, and for those reasons alone I am beautiful…..

I am beautiful.

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Comments

  1. Not sure if anyone mentioned it above, but rather than looking in the mirror and seeing your old self again, I think you’re going to be seeing more and more of your new self. Like trees who lose their leaves in the Winter only to enter Spring more glorious than ever before. And I’m not talking about your hair. I’m talking about all the other stuff God is pruning in you so that you will bear even more incredible fruit as you continue to abide in Him. Take heart, Heather. Hold unswervingly to the hope you profess (Heb. 10:23). I have no idea how hard it is or will be, but I know He will carry you through.

  2. Yes you are, Heather. You are incredibly beautiful!

  3. You are indeed beautiful!!!

  4. YES YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! Thinking of you and praying for you. I’d love to knit you a hat…Blessings, Meg

  5. Sweet Heather, I have always thought that true beauty can be seen in a person’s eyes, because it’s the eyes that reflect the peace and joy that’s within a person — and I don’t know many people as beautiful as you. I know how easy it is for all of us to judge our looks by the world’s standards — but look at it from God’s standards and know that, to Him, you are as beautiful as a glowing bride on her wedding day!

    You are precious and I lift you up in prayer often.

  6. Heather–

    I went with my mom to buy a wig several years ago and we went to a shop owned by a foreign woman name Kim. You couldn’t have found two sadder women than us that day (the whole hair thing IS sad). The woman had an interesting accent as she pointed us to different sections of the store until we found a few to try on. My mom sat dejectedly in the styling chair and before she took off her old wig said “Now, Kim, I have VERY big ears and I want to warn you.”

    Kim: “Ohhh, every-bady say they have beeg ear, but they don’t.”

    Mom: “No. I really do. So don’t be shocked.”

    Kim: (sensing our sadness). Oh, no. I never be shocked by your ear. I sure it beautiful ears. You no have beeg ear, I sure of it!”

    Mom: alright. I’ll take my old wig off now then and we’ll try these new ones. Just remember I warned you.” (near tears, taking wig off)

    Kim: OHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (Gasp) THAT’S A BEEEEGGGGG ONE!!! (as she flicked my mom’s right ear).

    Well, as Kim covered her mouth my mom and I broke out LAUGHING. Proceeded to giggle as we bought the new wigs. And got in the car and laughed until we nearly wet our pants.

    I will pray today that God gives you LAUGHTER. It is, after all, the best medicine.

    The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter.
    Psalm 30:5 (Message)

    love,
    Cathy

  7. Jennifer says:

    Heather-
    You are so beautiful! I am sitting here right now crying for your suffering and praying for His strong arms to comfort you. What an incredible mom you have! Hang in there girl! We are all lifting you up in His name! Jennifer

  8. Heather … not only are you beautiful … but you are simply amazing.

  9. Heather – Crying tears with you this morning as I read your post. You are beautiful and are shining bright for Him!!!!!!
    :) Kari

  10. Hair or no hair you are one of the most beautiful people (inside and out) I have been blessed to get to know.

    Hang in there!