Yesterday, I had my “woe is me” day. I refused to look in any mirrors, because it made me cry. It makes it so real. Then last night, I went into the bathroom and and began “combing” out my hair… I figured if it was going to come out, it might as well be under my control and my timing..
I now have a quite noticeable bald spot on the front left side of my head, the size of a baseball… actually I called my mom last night in tears and said “I’m shaving my head, can you come over”… Of course she did, and talked me out of it (Thanks Mom!) and took me shopping (at the only store open at that hour of the night) for scarves. Of course I think I look better in baseball caps, but there are certain places you can’t wear a hat, so….I bought some scarves.
When I was trying them on in the dressing room (I couldn’t try them on out in the open, I still have a hard time with people seeing me with no hair on the top of my head) my mom would say “Oh that one is cute!! It makes you look… ” and I would finish her sentence with “like a cancer patient”… I knew this day was coming, yet it hit me like a ton of bricks. It makes my disease so real.
This morning I woke up with a new resolve. This is just another bend in the road, and it will come back, it will, but it doesn’t make it any less painful, does it… I haven’t looked in the mirror this morning for fear of what my be looking back at me. But as I sit here, I think about how silly that is. Cancer has not changed my heart. It has not changed my smile, and it certainly has not changed who I am in Christ.
Cancer will not define my self image and self esteem. It will not rob from me my joy and it certainly will not steal my hope. Pretty soon this will become normal, a new normal. Pretty soon I will look in the mirror and see my old self again. I will be able to stand there with a smile on my face, thinking back on how far I have come.
I am a wife, mother and daughter. I am a child of the everlasting King, and for those reasons alone I am beautiful…..
I am beautiful.
Yes, you are beautiful. And all your beauty radiates in every word and picture you post. Thank you for allowing us to share in your beauty.
Amen! Yes, you are beautiful, sweet sister! Praying for you today.
You said it all !
Today is the day the Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it. Enjoy today. Hug your mom.
Dear Heather,
You are so beautiful!
My name is Lara and I’m from Portugal. I came across your blog about a week ago when I was reading other blogs of Christian wives and mothers. I read a great part of your posts and was amazed with your strength. You’ve gone and are going through such difficult situations but, as you say in your post today, you are «bent but not broken». I’m praying for you too and you are an example to all of us who read your blog.
Love
Lara
I love it, love it, love it! It’s just what I wanted to hear!
shaving my head WAS my way of taking control. It was therapeutic for me. I LIVED in scarves; my wig was my nemesis! LOL.
you ARE beautiful, and your hair doesn’t define you–but it doesn’t change the fact that this is one of the hardest parts of cancer treatment. And that’s the truth.
Yes Heather, you are beautiful. And strong. And a wonderful Mommy and Wife! I think it is normal to grieve the woman you knew as Heather as you pass from “Just Heather” to the woman you call “that girl with cancer who has no hair”. Personally, I liked Mark’s take on it when he called the tumor not “your tumor” but the “tumor that happens to be in your brain”. You’re doing great. Keep up the hard work of fighting. BCC is still praying for you and your family.
Oh, and if you REALLY want a new identity, I could send you my MIL’s wig. Of course, then you’d be “that crazy lady who is dressing up for Halloween in June”.
We have grown up in a society obsessed with the way a woman’s hair looks. Break out, girl. Leave it all behind. Wear those scrarves like a badge of honor proving you’re a fighter and always remember the beauty that REALLY makes us who we are in Christ!
You are Heather- not Heather with cancer- that’s who you really are. God made you beautiful and you always will be… I love your words today, dear one…
xo
Keep it up! I know how to pray for the next few weeks! So glad you have your mom! Praising God that my mom was there also for me.
You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Psalm 32:7
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in depair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever.
Isaiah 32:17
much love and care to you!
You are beautiful. Blessings my dear.
Yes, you are beautiful and no, your hair does not define you. As Dana mentions above, shaving my head put me in control also. God loves you no matter what or how you look. Shaving my head not only put me in control, but gave me the freedom to get on with my life even though I was still under going treatment. A “woe is me” day is okay, and I’m sure you won’t let it take over your life.
Have a blessed weekend.
Hugs, Norma
You are beautiful! Your words are beautiful. Your spirit is beautiful! And you are right- this won’t define you. A while back I wrote about my son’s epilepsy and how that deeply affected our whole family’s life. But it isn’t something we carry around defining us or him. The change that is happening in you is only for good (His plans are only for good and not evil) and I look at it as the Healer’s Signature.
I am praying for you & thinking of you! You are precious in his sight- hair or no hair!
Steph
“Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields himall day long, and the one the LORD loves restes between his shoulders.”
Deuterononmy 33:12
The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.
Proverbs 18:10
Cast all your wnxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble, Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and themountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
Psalm 46:1-3
God will see you through the hairloss Heather.
opps! Some typos in my previous scripture post. so sorry next time I will proof it better.
I do know how to spell “rests” and “anxiety”. What a goof ball I am. Just typing way too fast. Got to go before the boys wake up wanting their breakfast.
You have the beauty that counts!!! On the inside and the outside.
my husband shaved my head and when it was over i was petrified to look in to the mirror. i looked like an alien. how could i possibly be attractive to this wonderfully loving man. that was just one aspect of having no hair until i realized that this was part of my cure…and the side effects of chemo. do i want to live or do i want hair????? how silly of me , vanity over life. afterwards a few days later, i felt liberated! wear my baseball caps, my chemo scarves PROUDLY. i had a wig but i hardly ever wore it , wayyyy to hot and totally NOT me! i will always look back on those hairless days and think how it has helped to give me more time with my loved ones on this planet..how could i ask for anything more??
loving thoughts and prayers for you today heather.
marianne dalton
((hugs))
Heather, you are SO beautiful, inside and out. Cancer cannot change that. Be strong, I know it is so hard. I went through this with my Daddy 2 years ago. I am so inspired by your strength! I hope that I can be positive and uplifting the way you are when trials come my way. You are beautiful.
Heather,
Keeping you in my prayers! You are beautiful…inside and out!! You are also an inspiration and so strong!!!
Love, Sherri
Remember this, your cancer does not own you. YOU are God’s. Before time you were His. And you were created for this exact moment. In His precious will, He saw this all and He loves YOU. You, the Heather that is inside the body. YOU are the precious soul He cares about. YOU.
dawnz:)
H-
Just think now you can try any hair color or style you want. Sorry I know how hard it was for you to get the blonde hair you wanted a few years back before you went red.
Your beauty has always been so clear – you said it perfect “I am a wife, mother and daughter. I am a child of the everlasting King, and for those reasons alone I am beautiful….”! Many people would love to have the beauty you have. Including myself; I would give you every last hair on my head to have your beauty.
T
You bet you’re beautiful! And so is your courage to share your journey with us. Go get a new mirror…God’s mirror, and take a look! “And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit” (2 Corinthians 3:17-18).
You are definitely 100% beautiful, with or without hair. God sees your heart, regardless of the number of hairs still on your precious head. He loves and is proud of every little bit of you. May He sustain you today, dear Heather, as you rest in Him.
Ditto to what Teresa said.
I only could hope to radiate God’s beauty if given the same path to walk. You are doing an incredible job of pointing back to the Lord in each and every circumstance you face. Once again, you have turned my gaze upward, and I am thankful. I posted about you on my Thanks Tank today : )
My husband always says that “normal” is just a setting on the dryer. I read your blog often, but I have never posted a comment until now. Praying for you!
when my mom was going through chemo, noise and smell really bothered her. But the hairs falling in her soup and drinks bothered here even more.
One day I came home from school and she had me put the brush attatchemnt on the vaccumm and suck off all the loose hairs.
It’s one of my favorite memories of when my mom was sick.
Can someone hand me a tissue? Heather you always write with such grace even in your sadest moments. God create you and that in an of itself is beautiful – just like you and that amazing smile!
YEAH!!! I can almost tangibly feel your sense of triumph this morning — how good it must feel to reaffirmed as a “wife, mother, daughter and child of the Everlasting King”!
You are one of the most beautiful people I know and no, I don’t even see your face for the most part. Your inside is gorgeous and you glow with the love of Jesus and how you speak your words for His glorification. I cannot even begin to fathom how you must feel with the loss of your hair, but I have no doubt that you will be just as beautiful without it!! You are such an inspiration to many and that is something that meands so much more than having hair!!!! I’m praying for peace!
Mel
Heather, of course you are beautiful, and don’t let the cancer make you think otherwise because then it wins. You know you are strong and can do it! And….if you are a baseball cap wearer (as am I), you might find something at Hip Hats With Hair (http://www.hatswithhair.com). Last year I bought one of their ponytail wigs that fits in any baseball hat and I wore it non-stop through chemo…..well, except for church and I had an “OK” wig for that. I loved my ponytail, even named her Delores. She helped me feel like a regular person. (Please know that this is not spam or an ad by this company. I am a breast cancer survivor who happened upon your site. I will keep you in my prayers and keep checking your blog!)
indeed you are beautiful! Don’t forget it!
Beautiful? Amazingly so. I don’t know you but I admire you in so many ways! Your tenacity, your courage. There is so much more to you than your hair. (This is not to minimize what you are going through.) I pray that as you grieve yet another thing that has affected your life since cancer reared it’s ugly head, you will be comforted by the Holy Spirit of God. You so totally rock Heather, seriously.
Hi Heather:
I am a frequent reader of your blog and I pray for you just as frequently. As a photographer, I had the honor of recently taking a picture of a woman, Misty, who is battling breast cancer. She too was self conscious about losing her hair. I asked if I could photograph her without her scarf/bandana and let me tell you, she looked beautiful. The picture that I took reveals a determined but tender fighter, with tears in her eyes, someone who knew what was really important. Someone who had a lot of life left in her. I didn’t even notice the fact that the hair was not there. I am sure you’ll get to that point, too. If you e-mail me privately, I’ll be glad to share the picture with you.
I pray that our loving God holds you safe in His hands, and comforts you as only He can.
Suzanne
http://www.suzannebalvanz.blogspot.com
heather, thank you for the recommendation! i am going out today to get the album. i love the song on your blog! i know that when you are feeling bad about your hair falling out it you just need to be consoled and heard – nothing anyone can say can take away the pain. but as i read your blogs i am aware of one thing – you ARE beautiful because you come from a beautiful family. i am 57 years old and was raised in a family where my father never said i love you and never hugged; i never sat on his lap. my mother was reserved and unaffectionate – very proper and stoic. i know in my head my parents loved me but because of who they were they were unable to show it. i have never felt beautiful – inside or out. i have struggled my entire life. you are SO blessed to KNOW that you are a beautiful, loved soul. your hair and your eyebrows and even the toenail on your littlest toe are nothing compared to who you ARE because of where you came from. the beauty in, out and around you is being passed on to your precious children. i struggle to really KNOW God because my earthy father was anything BUT tender and loving. your dad sounds wonderful as does your husband. you WILL get through this but not without some tears and frustration (but i know your humor will win out:)). just rest in the knowledge that your earthly family is pouring love and prayers on you and your Heavenly Father holds you on His lap and consoles you always.
When I started losing my hair from chemo, I went to my regular hairdresser and had her give me a buzz cut. (She was acutally more traumatized than I to be cutting my heair off and did it for free.) It got me used to the shape of my head and people actually gave me compliments on my buzz cut! When my hair did all fall out, it wasn’t so traumatic for me because with a buzz cut, I didn’t have much hair anyway.
And Jesus? He crowns your head with beauty and gives to You the strength to walk on in this thing one day at a time. I had Bible study with a young woman who has just gone through chemo for breast cancer. Her hair was growing back in, and it was as soft as a baby’s! So on this side of the journey, know that when it grows back in, it will be so fresh and new and beautiful!
But, you are beautiful Heather! You are beautiful!!
Praying for you, Dear One…
Holly
Accepting this new normal is such a process, but it will happen.
I think I commented yesterday or a few days ago that the hair will grow back, and I’m sorry if that upset you! Just want to be positive!
And, I have to tell you that the joy is still there, the faith is still there, and beauty is still there, but also the strength is still there!
You are resilient
You’ve spoken truth.
You are beautiful.
You are not your cancer.
And it’s a privilege to continue praying for you.
Yes, you are VERY beautiful. It shows in evey word you write.
I want to join in with the others and pray for you! I found a link to your blog on another person’s page and clicked it only to be blessed by one of the most honest and beautiful souls I’ve never met. I wanted to let you know that not every stranger out there sees a “cancer patient” when they see someone who is obviously undergoing Chemo… I, personally, see a fighter. I pray that God blesses you each and every minute of your day…that you’ll feel renewed hope when you look in that mirror because every hair lost is another battle won against your tumor.
What if it came back looking like a Pantene commercial?!!
We’ve all wished we could shave our heads and start over, sure that it would grow back luscious and healthy!
If anyone deserves to have Pantene commercial hair, it’s you!
If I had only ready your blog and not have seen the picture I would know without a doubt that you are a beautiful person. You are a wonderful mom, daughter and wife. Most importantly you are daughter of the King and that comes through in everything you write. I’m challenged every time I read your writings. I can say – when I grow up, I want to be like Heather (who is very much like her Lord!)
Praying for your strength in this time of pain.
When I looked back and saw one set of footprints it was then that God carried me!
You have been an incredible witness of God’s glory and I want to thank you for sharing your story with us – both the good and the bad.
Yes, Heather.. you are beautiful. So beautiful. Not only in physical beauty, but so much more in heart and soul. You are an amazing inspiration and I am so blessed to be able to pray for you as you take this journey.. a journey that you certainly did not choose for yourself, but have turned it in to such an amazing testimony.
Amen! That you are sis that you are!
By the way, Matt has a bunch of Dew Rags with really cool stuff on them if you are interested! LOL
Love you girl, and can’t wait to see you in 8 Days!!!!
Hi dear Heather,
You are beautiful!
Last summer I went through something similar. Knowing that my hair would fall out, I told my 11 year old daughter that I should do something crazy and have a mohawk (temporary). That evolved into thinking we should really do it up and take some pictures for our Christmas cards. Long story short, all seven of us had an unusual hairdo and outfits in the picture with a Harley. It was a teeny tiny bit emotional, but we’ve never laughed as hard as we did then. I sent out many pictures of the before and after shots. Our friends and family have a ‘special’ reminder to keep our family in prayer.
The short haircut I had after the picture made the falling out easier. My hair has grown back in and I’ve decided for now to not color it. I also use lots of gel and spike it! Would never have done that if I didn’t have cancer.
Another note: I wore my wig only once…hated it. Started with scarves, but ended up only wearing baseball caps – all colors.
Praying for you through this difficult time.
You are amazing! Still praying in WA state!!!
You are.
You are beautiful indeed. A deeper beauty than we will ever be able to comprehend on this side of heaven.