Yesterday, I had my “woe is me” day. I refused to look in any mirrors, because it made me cry. It makes it so real. Then last night, I went into the bathroom and and began “combing” out my hair… I figured if it was going to come out, it might as well be under my control and my timing..
I now have a quite noticeable bald spot on the front left side of my head, the size of a baseball… actually I called my mom last night in tears and said “I’m shaving my head, can you come over”… Of course she did, and talked me out of it (Thanks Mom!) and took me shopping (at the only store open at that hour of the night) for scarves. Of course I think I look better in baseball caps, but there are certain places you can’t wear a hat, so….I bought some scarves.
When I was trying them on in the dressing room (I couldn’t try them on out in the open, I still have a hard time with people seeing me with no hair on the top of my head) my mom would say “Oh that one is cute!! It makes you look… ” and I would finish her sentence with “like a cancer patient”… I knew this day was coming, yet it hit me like a ton of bricks. It makes my disease so real.
This morning I woke up with a new resolve. This is just another bend in the road, and it will come back, it will, but it doesn’t make it any less painful, does it… I haven’t looked in the mirror this morning for fear of what my be looking back at me. But as I sit here, I think about how silly that is. Cancer has not changed my heart. It has not changed my smile, and it certainly has not changed who I am in Christ.
Cancer will not define my self image and self esteem. It will not rob from me my joy and it certainly will not steal my hope. Pretty soon this will become normal, a new normal. Pretty soon I will look in the mirror and see my old self again. I will be able to stand there with a smile on my face, thinking back on how far I have come.
I am a wife, mother and daughter. I am a child of the everlasting King, and for those reasons alone I am beautiful…..
I am beautiful.