Calloused and bruised / dazed and confused
My Spirit is left wanting something more
Than my selfish hopes / and my selfish dreams
I’m lying with my face down to the floor
I’m crying out for more
Give me Words to speak
Don’t let my Spirit sleep
Cause I can’t think of anything worth saying
But I know that I owe You my life
So give me Words to speak
Don’t let my Spirit sleep
Every night, every day/ I find that I have nothing left to say
So I stand here in silence awaiting Your guidance
I’m wanting only Your voice to be heard
Let them be Your Words
-Aaron Shust
I was talking to my dad today about how much of myself I put out on this blog. How much I trust people, despite how many times they prove themselves otherwise. I am always for the under dog, that is just my personality. I guess I am somewhat naive, especially when it comes to the internet. Maybe my dad is right, I trust way to easily. Right now, I just don’t have the words to tell you what is on my heart. I so badly want to be hidden behind the cross, fully hidden. But it is proving to be very difficult tonight.
I look back on the past 7 years of my life, and I see so many blessings. So many times Christ has moved in my life. Yet tonight I find myself questioning just about everything. I am not questioning my faith, please don’t think that, I am wondering about the plan that he has for my life, and wish that I had a fast forward button because I so desperately want to know how my story ends.
Hows that for honesty? This is usually the time that I would enter a scripture verse, and tie this all together. Not tonight. I have no magic words, no “aha” moments.
This is just me… raw & broken.
Your honesty and transparency blesses me. We serve a God who doesn’t ask us to pretend. He’s big enough for the big questions. Love you.
I have nothing impressive to say except that you are simply impressive. Keep hanging on.
Good. Now let God put you back together.
You are a woman of God… a strong woman of God. I am amazed at just how much strength I see even at your weakest moments. He is smiling at you right now. He so loves how faithful you are.
Lord, return to Heather her peace, her joy, her fire. Give her a glimpse of her future… hope is the anchor for the soul. In Jesus’s name I pray. Amen.
Thank you for continuing to share yourself with us, even when you’re raw and broken. We all are. Thanks for putting yourself out there.
Love and Prayers, Juli in VA
Heather, just pour it all out to Jesus. He can take it, even the things you won’t even speak aloud to anybody. He can take your hurt, your anger, your sorrow, your brokenness.
Lifting you up in prayer now, my friend….
Love and hugs,
Diane
Raw and broken is where He begins. You don’t need that “aha” moment, just to sit in His lap and weep.
Karen
Heather, I admire your honesty. I don’t think God expects to you always have “a-ha” moments. He may not be sharing answers to your questions yet, but He will…whatever those answers may be. I really do believe that. And I think that being “raw and broken” sits right on that hazy line of wondering what God is doing and knowing that He does know what He’s doing. Take care.
It’s ok Heather. One day at a time sweet Jesus. That’s it one day at a time.
praying along with the rest.
Catherine
Hi Heather,
I am sorry you are having a bad day. I am praying tomorrow is better. I have only posted one other time on your site althought I have to tell you that I read your blog everyday as you have encouraged me so much in life since I found your blog. And please know that I pray for you often.
I am a fellow heart Mom and a homeschool Mom too. My son is 7 and was born with seven heart defects, praise God he is doing really well right now but we know that one day we face surgery again.
Please do not think I share this like my problems are the same as yours, but it is what I am dealing with and I to have been struggling today….My husband’s job was sent over to another country and after 4 and half months he is still job hunting. I won’t bore you with all the stupid interviews that have gone no where and now the phone doesn’t ring. I had been dealing really well with things for the last week or so but for some reason I woke up struggling with the what if’s today. My husband is talking about going back to a job he did years ago but it would only make about half what he was making. We are not people that made a lot of money. If he does get that job I will probably have to work too. I haven’t worked outside my home in probably 10 years.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to share all that and I know that it is only money and at least we are very blessed with our health, but I wanted you to know that you aren’t alone today.
Heather I am praying for you. I am praying that your day tomorrow is so much better, that God wraps his loving arms around you and reminds you that he loves you and that he is right beside you. I can’t tell you how the end of your story will be Heather, I hope it is one that ends when you are 95 and have 12 grandkids and 14 great grandkids. But I want you to know that God is bigger then Satan and God will turn into a blessing what Satan means for evil. I am still praying for you Heather. You are such an awesome blessing in all of our lives Heather. Trudy (Vail, Az)
Well first of all Heather, I don’t think your “story” will ever end. The legacy you are creating right now and leaving for your children and their children is one of a Godly heritage..one of serving Christ. And that, well that has ETERNAL value, as you know and that will never end. Heather, please don’t feel you must put on a certain face for this blog and always be a super christian, with the right words to say and the right scriptures to quote. Your brokeness….well, that is when God choses to use us for his Glory. Have you ever done the Beth Moore bible study “Experiencing God”? You have reminded me of the part that talks about a “God Sized Task”. This is something in your life that for it to resolve, GOD is the only one that can make that happen. God brings about these things to teach us, to increase our faith, and to show others that it must be GOD that worked that miracle because guess what? It is impossible for man, but not for God. And you know all this stuff, but I feel that you have been given a “God Sized Task” Heather. God is using you right now, through every single post you have written and he will continue to use your faith to increase other’s faith and to show his light through you…..even when you don’t think you are shining…it is God shining through you. Like tonight.
“Jesus looked at them and said, ‘with man this is impossible, but not with God; allthings are possible with God.” Mark 10:27
The God who has called you to walk through this brain tumor, cancer and treatments will walk with you. You are not alone.
Love ya Heather and love your transparency.
Dana
Lovin you my friend. Lovin you…
These are the times in the valleys when He picks us up and carries us because we can’t walk on our own anymore. Climb into His arms.
I feel the cry of your heart here. My heart aches for all that you have had to go through. I am going to pray for you tonight.
Much love-
Jenny Williams, Pelham AL
I absolutely understand what you mean Heather. I have come to the place where I am afraid to look my tomorrows in the face. I choose to leave them in His hands and trust Him to allow into my life only what is best. The future from my point of view is too frightening. I want a miracle. I don’t know if that is the plan. So I have chosen to leave it with Him for now. I am trying to take each day as it comes.
Your open heart and honesty are a blessing, because whatever you are experiencing you can be sure there are others who are feeling the very same things. It is a help to know we don’t go through these times alone.
We love you Heather – just as you are.
Hi Sweet Heather,
I just finished reading your post tonight and my heart hurts for you girl. I
don’t have any magic words to say to lift you up. But I do know that in times like these, “Be still and know that I am God” is a very welcoming “come sit on my lap and pour your heart out” invitation, has always been for me. He has a future for you and I know you know this in your heart, underneath the weight of exhaustion and frailness you find yourself at, right now, this raw and broken moment you are in. It is okay, and you do not have to pretend with our Lord. Crawl up on his lap and give it all to Him, he can handle it. Ask Him for a glimpse of something to give you a renewed hope for your heart. I pray this for you tonight and pray that you are able to sleep like a baby in his rest. Love and Hugs from Ca. to you tonight. Laurel
It is okay to not have an “aha” statement. This is the moment in which he is working the next “aha” moment out.
He is in amazing love with you.
My friend, even God rested on the seventh day of creation. We love you.
Father, let Your Holy Spirit minister to Heather and through Heather. Thank You for Grace and Peace tonight. Let Heather hold them both tightly in her hands…Grace and Peace. For by Grace are we SAVED! Not just for eternity but for our day to day needs and our moment to moment clinging to You. Breath for Heather…in and out…in and out…until Your Strength becomes her strength. In Jesus Name. Amen.
Shalom, Heather.
Nothing to say that you don’t know in your heart. I’m praying for you.
We are journeying with you and feel the same way. We want to know how your story ends, also. You are not alone.
God bless you, Heather, with strength and health. I am praying for you.
“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
You amaze and humble me….my “issues” are so trivial in light of yours.
I don’t have any wise words, just know that I am praying for you and your family.
Karen, that is my life verse
Thank you for reminding me of it tonight…
(((((HUGS))))) to you sweet girl. I’m lifting you up in prayer tonight.
Dear Raw & Broken,
I’m sending so much love and many prayers your way tonight. I pray you feel how loved you are Heather.
I love what Dana said to you, “you story will never end”, yep, you continue to touch so many hearts. What we do for Christ is for ETERNITY!
Your testimony testifies of God’s amazing Grace each day, that is a aha for me…
I’d like to leave you one of my favorite quotes:
“Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One who is leading.” ~ Oswald Chambers
Keep holding on to HIM,
Susan
Thank you for sharing so openly. God has used your words (and life) more than once to both convict and comfort me.
Terrye in FL
http://www.graceelyseshirley.blogspot.com
“Why have You forsaken Me?”
Someone else said this first. You are in very GOOD company.
I wish I had some comforting words. I’ll be praying for you.
Lord, I lift this sister up to You. Make Yourself known to Heather in a renewed way, I pray. Give her the faith of a mustard seed for just another day, that she might rest in You and find peace within herself. God, I can only imagine the ups and downs she feels. Wait–I CAN’T imagine them. But You can. You are amazing and almighty and forever the I AM for us all. Thank You for your encouraging power and mighty hand on this woman. I pray that You would bring her back to perfect health if that be your will. I ask for the miracle of a complete and utter cure, to glorify all that You are. I further pray that, Your grace would be sufficient for Heather, and that it be felt in numerous tangible ways for her as she aches for You, Father. Comfort her in Your precious lap, Abba, I pray. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Heather, sending you love, hugs, thoughts, and the knowledge that you are amazing.
Dear Heather,
Your words remind me of a song by Rich Mullins: “Hold Me, Jesus.” It’s often been my heart’s cry in difficult times…or at least what I *want* my heart cry to be.
Lyrics from http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/rich-mullins/hold-me-jesus.html.
~~~~~
Well, sometimes my life
Just don’t make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small
CHORUS:
So hold me Jesus, ’cause I’m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It’s so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart
Surrender don’t come natural to me
I’d rather fight You for something
I don’t really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I’ve beat my head against so many walls
Now I’m falling down, I’m falling on my knees
And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin
You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace
~~~~~
Praying for you right now.
Praying for you, Heather. May He place a rainbow in your tears and peace that passes understanding in your heart.
Lean into His arms and remember He doesn’t expect you to have the answers or be sufficient in the face of uncertainty. It’s *HIS* grace, given to you that’s sufficient.
Emmanuel.
Bless your heart, Heather. You need be nothing more, nothing less than what you are. Be raw and broken . . . it gives me the freedom to be so, too. I am headed to bed now with prayers on my tongue for you. May Jesus wrap Himself around you tonight and cradle you close.
Heather,
No words tonight, just sending hugs, prayers and lots of love.
You are so special…..
Teresa in Louisana
Last night my prayer began…I don’t even want to talk to you tonight! But since that is true, here I am, asking you to forgive me because my heart is rebeling. I cannot let the sun go down on my anger so I better give it to you. It is safet in Your hands. And bless my husband who has to sleep beside this porcupine….. You get the picture.
Isn’t it awesome that we can come to the King of all Creation, raw , edgy and angry and He still stands there with His Nail scarred hands outstretch embracing us quills and all.
Because of Jesus, Bobbie
Well, I see what you mean about being so trusting and putting so much of yourself “out there” for everyone. I think that ALONE is a very courageous thing to do–because at each computer sits a somewhat stranger who has trials, and biases, and loves, and a unique way of facing the struggles of each day.
However, when I see so many fervent Christians gathered together in love and compassion, it reassures me that while we live in a world that
sometimes appears quite rotten, there are many many many good people who are making sacrifices to ensure that the next generation does not lose the gift of faith.
I think the greatest gift that we have to offer to others is our honest and true thoughts and feelings, in good times and in bad. To do that leaves us vulnerable.
But as believers, we are all united with Christ and one another. I have
faith because I grew up surrounded by people who believed and modeled Christian values. They lead by example. I’m sure it wasn’t always easy. The internet has opened up new ways to share and new ways to connect and new ways to inspire others. I feel really blessed to have discovered the special community that comes regularly to this blog. I have so much admiration for those who post here and show
their support and compassion. But it does take some courage to put the thoughts and feelings out there.
I also have been somewhat awestruck by some of the other blogs I’ve visited from this site. There is a LOT of faith and power out there in
blog-land and I’m happy to know it’s there because sometimes I get really worried about what seems to be happening in the world. So for those of you who are home-schooling, raising kids, praising God, facing life’s challenges, you are also an inspiration. Parenting is the most important job in the world. How does anyone ever do it alone? How does anyone get through life without knowing that
the Lord is ready to help us every step of the way?
Sorry about this being so long and I hope it doesn’t sound preachy, but I want everyone here to know that they are an inspiration to someone. God bless and keep all of us.
And Heather, you are in our thoughts and prayers each day.
(((Big Hugs))) from across the ocean. It’s ok to be broken and raw. God is all about love and truth, both of which we see in abundance in you xxx
I am raw and broken as well. My best friend went home to Jesus, too young @ 44 leaving a brokenhearted husband, and four young men behind. The songs you have posted Heather, especially by Casting Crowns have sustained me these past 24 hours,,,esp. Praise you in this storm. Please know I am praying for you, even in my grief.
Praying for you and sending you big ol’ hugs.
Chrissi (Tampa)
Stand Tall Heather.. And this too shall pass.
Blessings
Heather, I want you to know that the family of God in Moscow, Russia is praying for you. May the Lord give you strength, pour our His joy on you and give you supernatural peace.
Much love to you,
Yuna
Still praying.
Hugs,
Jennifer
Sending you lots of hugs and prayers~
Dear Heather…When I read your comment on Minerva’s blog last night, I could not be anything but amazed how lovingly and faithfully that you presented to her, the Saviour.
I guess the devil does not like this work of the Lord that you are doing and of course he is going to try and stop it.
Yes Try..That’s all he CAN do because God has you, Heather in His strong arms and He will ever hold you right there and He will give you these opportunities of confessing His name and telling the unsaved about His power to forgive sinners!!..Love Terry
Be encouraged today Heather!!
Peace be with you.
Our walk with the Lord is so personal on every level…yet day after day you come to HIM and then to us. You tell us of things we can never understand in hopes that we will. You talk to us about things most of us never want to hear. You share these moments of weakness so that you can draw on our strength. But what we all hope you know is, we draw so much strength from you. Just knowing, that in this time of weakness and sickness and saddness…you still muster up the strength to be here…for us. Which is why we will always be here for you. I have never met you, yet I love you and pray for you.
You have taught us so much. Don’t complain. Never give up. Be in the moment. Even if sometimes, the moment is sad.
Our walk with the Lord is so personal on every level…yet day after day you come to HIM and then to us. You tell us of things we can never understand in hopes that we will. You talk to us about things most of us never want to hear. You share these moments of weakness so that you can draw on our strength. But what we all hope you know is, we draw so much strength from you. Just knowing, that in this time of weakness and sickness and saddness…you still muster up the strength to be here…for us. Which is why we will always be here for you. I have never met you, yet I love you and pray for you.
You have taught us so much. “Don’t complain. Never give up. Be in the moment. Even if sometimes, the moment is sad.”
You’re beautiful! Don’t change a bit.
Dear Sweet Heather,
I’m hoping and praying you feel better today. My prayers for you continue…every day!
Your “raw and brokeness” is what makes you such a unique person! Most people would run and hide, yet you amaze me each day with your willingness to openly share your thought and feelings with all of us. You are a child of God and he is truly blessing us through you!
Heather,
I think the biggest blessing we as Christian’s can give the world, is our honesty. To see that even as strong Christians we struggle and we question. Remember, even King David questioned God over and over, wanting to see clearly God’s plan for his life. He cried, he ranted, and was plain exhausted and angry. And God counted him as faithful. Thank-you for being yourself here. Don’t hesitate to believe that even in your struggles (or should I say, especially through your struggles) you are being used by God to touch lives.
Praying for you dear sister. You have been asked to walk a hard road.
manyblessings
As I read your post I was reminded of David…a man after God’s own heart- what was so special about him? I believe alot of it was because he allowed himself to be raw and broken before God. I am sure he too questioned and wanted to hit fast forward as he hid in caves and fought just to survive as Saul pursued him. You can’t see the inspiration and the hope that shines through you now- even in your brokeness, but your family can, your children can…complete strangers from across the globe-like myself-we can see Christ in you. WE see it in your willingness to put your heart out there without apology- your encouragement to reach out to others…your light is shinin’ girl…you are not allowing this cancer to be the bushel that satan wants it to be…His light is so bright even in your broken state. What a precious vessel. I will continue to pray for your strength in this valley dear fellow Saint (((hug))) heather