Calloused and bruised / dazed and confused
My Spirit is left wanting something more
Than my selfish hopes / and my selfish dreams
I’m lying with my face down to the floor
I’m crying out for more
Give me Words to speak
Don’t let my Spirit sleep
Cause I can’t think of anything worth saying
But I know that I owe You my life
So give me Words to speak
Don’t let my Spirit sleep
Every night, every day/ I find that I have nothing left to say
So I stand here in silence awaiting Your guidance
I’m wanting only Your voice to be heard
Let them be Your Words
-Aaron Shust
I was talking to my dad today about how much of myself I put out on this blog. How much I trust people, despite how many times they prove themselves otherwise. I am always for the under dog, that is just my personality. I guess I am somewhat naive, especially when it comes to the internet. Maybe my dad is right, I trust way to easily. Right now, I just don’t have the words to tell you what is on my heart. I so badly want to be hidden behind the cross, fully hidden. But it is proving to be very difficult tonight.
I look back on the past 7 years of my life, and I see so many blessings. So many times Christ has moved in my life. Yet tonight I find myself questioning just about everything. I am not questioning my faith, please don’t think that, I am wondering about the plan that he has for my life, and wish that I had a fast forward button because I so desperately want to know how my story ends.
Hows that for honesty? This is usually the time that I would enter a scripture verse, and tie this all together. Not tonight. I have no magic words, no “aha” moments.
This is just me… raw & broken.
And that is OK to not have an answer or a verse. Think of the times when King David questioned God–even expressed his anger! God can handle that!
I nominated you for the Blogger Reflection Award. Your blog does many things–but most of all, I think it makes me reflect….
at church last night we talked about “whatever.”
What comes to mind when you think of the word whatever. Is it whatever God has in store, or is it…Whatever( said with major valley girl atittude) meaning we aren’t neccessarily agreeing with his plan. She quoted so many verses out Deuteronomy which I will send you later…Im at work. Heather, I can’t imagine the pain on your path. My heart breaks for you and I admire your candidness. You do share alot of your life with us, that said, you have no idea how many seeds you are planting. So know that your pain is not in vain. I know we all wish that we could wisk your pain away. I know that doesn’t take it away, but know that we are hurting along for and with you. HUGS my dear girl
Heather,
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted …” Ps 34:18
He hears your cries and knows your heart.
My prayers are with you.
Many Blessings,
Paula
No words, just prayers!
Oh, Heather- there are going to be times like this… times when you just need a little more something tangible to hold onto… that’s okay. God knows that… I’m betting relief for your aching mind and heart and soul will come soon. They say Jesus was sent an angel to comfort Him in the garden… I know an angel is there for you as well…
Love and prayers as always
xo
Sometimes it is in those raw and broken moments that God reveals Himself the most. PRaying for you.
For when I am weak, then I am strong (because of Him). II Corinthians 12:10b
JoAnn
I feel like I never have words to say as wise as most who post here, but please just know, every day, you are changing lives by sharing your soul and everything you are. Thank you for your honesty and for trusting us to share this journey with you. I pray for you every day and know that your story, will never end.
Once again, Heather…you are AMAZING!!!!! Wow!
Heather ~ I’m praying for you. I do not know what it is like to suffer the way that you are, However, I do know a God who does know what it is like. I love how honest you are with how you feel. I’ve been reading your site for a while but never posted … however, I want you to know that even though there are no wise words of wisdom that will come from me at this moment … there is a God who loves and cares for you. One who will not leave you nor forsake you. Keep leaning on him. Keep being honest and fall back on the prayers of others and the loving arms of those around you.
heather,
you would not be called “human” if you weren’t able to experience and cope with these feelings. it is all part of “the process”…i am convinced of that! allow the good days as well as the bad ones knowing how much God and all his children love you!
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/marianne
God loves raw and broken, even when we humans look away. He looks, He moves in closer, He touches and comforts.
Praying for you right now. Personally, I love your honesty.
Heather, Maybe we can give you a scripture today? Psalm 23 comes to mind (hopefully from the Holy Spirit). Read slowly and meditatively, ” The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want… He leads me to restful waters…He restoreth my soul”. I pray that this scripture gives you Hope and Peace.
I haven’t written for a while but I can totally understand how you are feeling. Trust me if I had a fastward button I too would use it. I read your posts and then feel guilty that my problems are nothing compared to yours. That I should just suck it up like I always have and move on. I cannot do that any more. We will deal with all of this unlikeable bleeps in our lives. Even though we feel down and tired, we are strong inside and we will rise above this with our own fast forward button. You will come through this with all the bumps and hills along the way. Good people deserve to be happy and have the happy ending. We have had enough events to challenge us and build character. There will be a happy ending.. It is just the middle of a chapter that really, really sucks. I pray for you nightly, and I pray for everyone that is struggling with illness to make them well. We all have bad days, you are no exception
Dawn
I think we all would love to know the end, the plan. Trust…ugh…it is a true minute to minute struggle. Please visit my blog I posted about you. Peace.
I have not commented before but have been following your journey and just want to thank you for being soooooo completely honest. As I was reading your post I thought of the words to the Natalie Grant song “Held” Here is the chorus…
THis is what it means to be Held
How it Feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
that the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be Held
Let him hold you Heather. Praying for you and your family. And thank you for being the amazing women that you are.
I very often feel the way you do…and want to know the end of the story. I think that’s natural for a lot of, regardless of what is going on in our lives. Thanks for sharing your good and your challenging times with us…I’ll visit your blog no matter what you write about, so don’t think you always have to be profound or upbeat…your blog friends will be here no matter what!! =)
Love, your Sister in Christ,
Sally
Heather, I know these feelings all too well. I’m waiting, impatiently I might add, for the results of my latest MRI. I had surgery for a rare cancer of the salivary glands and I’ve had many scares since my two surgeries four years ago. The waiting is always the worst.
Waiting for test results, waiting for doctors, waiting to see if I should buy something because “what if” I won’t be here to need it?
I think what you are feeling is common to almost every person who has been diagnosed with cancer. We always stand below the summit looking up to God asking where do I go from here? That is OK. God knows all and as you have heard way too many times, He knows your heart. He knows the pain, the frustration, the longing for a boring, routine life where you do the “normal” things so many people take for granted.
Some people worry about a bad hair day, we worry about our loss of hair.
Some people worry about having the money for a fancy vacation, we worry about having money for a trip out of town for medical care.
Some people worry about whether their child will get into the right college, we worry if we will see our children graduate from college.
Life does not seem fair, but God always is, and blesses us with many things even through our difficult days.
Where we wonder if we will have a future and how many days we will have, HE has blessed us with the knowledge of the preciousness of each day and not to waste them. Before the cancer it was well, I can do that tomorrow. Now I know that I should do it today if possible because who no one is promised a tomorrow, not just people who have had cancer.
Where others wonder if they have any real friends, God blesses us with many real friends who are there in our darkest hours.
None of us is going to get out of *this life* alive. It’s just we have a knowledge that there is an end that is more real on a daily basis, and the knowledge that we must do the important things and not waste the days we are given.
Last night I happened to see a preview of Tammy Faye Messner’s interview on Larry King. She started out with colon cancer that is now in her lungs. She got down to 60 pounds and to be honest she looks like death. But her spirit is very much alive. Her faith is very much alive. She is not giving up even though she knows her days are numbered and Hospice is involved in her life now. He chose not to ask “how long” because she felt it would cause her to give up.
Larry King is going to air the entire interview tonight. I may not agree with things that happened with the PTL ministry but I admire this woman’s faith and ability to hang in there even as sick as she is. She talked about just wanting to be able to eat a hamburger. She is having difficulty swallowing.
So today as I sit here worrying about my latest MRI and what it will show, I am grateful that if I want I may have a hamburger today. Yes, it is a matter of perspective. I am not discounting what you, I or anyone is going through because it is NOT EASY, but we are blessed abundantly through our pain no matter how hard this all is, and for that I am truly grateful. The day may come where I can’t eat a hamburger either but today I can and for that I am grateful.
Tammy Faye blessed me seeing her faith despite her pain and suffering, you bless others at your stage of pain and suffering with your faith, and I hope I can bless others through the pain and suffering I go through. It is a circle of loving, giving, and blessing others with the blessings we receive no matter how small each day.
So don’t feel bad about the valleys in your life, they come to everyone. Just remember that even the deep dark valley experiences you share impact others, and probably more than the good days. It was Christ’s pain and suffering that brought us to the light of everlasting life, and your pain and suffering coupled with your faith will bring others to His light.
I have a journal that I have been keeping for almost 3 years now and I had thought about closing it down because I felt it had a lot of negative feelings from times when I was in that valley of despair. My oldest daughter said to me one day “maybe Mom you’re not supposed to journal for you but maybe God is wanting you to journal to reach others”?
I thought about it and saw that yes, the journal had it’s purpose and I would keep it. People who read that journal often comment about how it inspires them. I guess what I’ve been trying to say through this very long post is that the valleys are just as important to post because they show others you are human and they show that you do come out of the valley refreshed and still with your faith intact. That is what people need to witness. That is the blessing God has given you today. The ability to “Testify to Love”(the song that gets me through many difficult days),His love, despite the deep pain and fear.
I keep you close in prayer.
Christina
Raw and broken, yet incredibly beautiful. He’s got you.
More hugs and prayers for you today, Sweet Heather. Hold on to Jesus, for He is holding on to you especially in the darkest moments. Your honesty is inspiring, and God truly is using you to touch the hearts of so many other people all around the world. Blessings today and always, Nina
Heather,
Because you are you always and without reservation we love you. I come and visit you everyday to be inspired and to know that God is a God of mercy, love and healing. You touch me Heather and over the course of the past few months since the diagonosis you have shown me what it means to walk in faith. Yes you are broken, yes you are hurting and yes, you know that Jesus is your answer to all of these things. Be still and know that He is God. Know that He is using you in so many wonderful ways and that sometimes the crushing hurts so bad but the result is a beautiful outcome on the other side both here and in eternity. I guess I just want you to know that you are cherished in the hearts of so many, including me.
Don’t know what to say, but didn’t want to lurk away without acknowledging the profound and transparent things you are sharing.
Your witness continues to be an inspiration to me. Even–or perhaps *especially*–the valleys. Because, after all, that is what Jesus does, isn’t it? He ministers to the broken.
Heather, you have had an ‘aha’ moment and expressed God’s Word so beautifully! I was awake most of the night having a Father/child discussion and what I know is that all we have is this moment and God is with us always! God bless, sweetheart. You are in my prayers.
((((((HUG))))))
Heather, I was in a car accident last year that has altered my life. Some days I wake up angry at everyone, yet no one in particular. I have had those days when I have felt so close to God because of my accident, (and actually feel blessed by it in many ways), but lately I have honestly had many days that I feel the way you do right now. My struggle does not even compare to your struggle and all of the things you have gone through or continue to go through but I do understand your feelings. Just wanted to say – Hang in there!
*hugs* for you Heather. I don’t always post, but you’re always in my thoughts and prayers. My mom has everyone at her church praying for you and Jon has his church in England praying too. Again, please know I am always here for you no matter how many times we pass that darn exit.
Heather,
I read this post the other day about brokenness and healing and it really touched me. Especially this quote:
“And in the groans of our cumulative woundedness, comes the whisper, “You are my beloved. My Broken Beloved. My Beloved Broken.—
(rest of post here: http://holyexperience.blogspot.com/2007/07/broken-beloved.html)
Praying for you,
Debbie in JAX
Hi there, I haven’t posted much, but pray for you often. I think when we are raw and broken and all we can do is pretty much just crawl up in God’s lap and cry on Him, we can trust our greatest Intercessor to intercede for us. You just crawl up there in His big ‘ol lap, girl. He’ll take care of you right there.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling hurt…I wish that people could lift you up as much as you lift everyone else. You would be sky high!
I was driving up Interstate 75 today, coming home from a baseball tournement with only one child in my car. And that child happened to be sleeping! It gave me time to think.
And my thoughts turned to you. I was thinking about many different things…pancake breakfast fundraisers, I-Hops, another child I’ve learned of with a brain tumor, and you. And as I was thinking of you, I hoped that this is your last day of radiation.
How much better you will feel after the radiation is over! Hope that was today!
YOU STAY STRONG! Stay strong
Broken and spilled out…all for Jesus. Now I know the heart of your Story-teller…so much love for you! He has a very good ending in mind…a love story that will make us all weak in our knees…
Praying for you, Dear one!
Love,
holly
Keep your chin up, you will make it!
I just checked out your visitor map thingy, Heather. Over 5000 people read your blog yesterday. Nearly quarter of a million since May. And most will be praying for you. Rest then, and let us hold you up to Jesus. See us massed together, all over the world. You are not alone.
Sorry it’s one of the tougher days for you. We love you and are praying you through.
Dear Heather, Words will never be enough to describe the blessing that your blog is. Much like Leroy Shrievers blog your is having a profound impact on young people with cancer. Your openess in your blog helps so, so, many! Think of Nichole-Austin because of you over 200 people blessed her and offered encouragement. That’s significant!!! I know your tired and feeling raw. Lay down in Gods arms and rest as long as you need. Tomarrow will be a better day. Praying for your strenght to return. Tanya
(((Heather)))
Dearest Heather,
I love the way you are so honest. You give so many such hope. I would love to meet you in person one day! Maybe we can have a huge party in your honor!
Blessings to you!
Bless your heart – face down at His feet -the best and scariest place to be. Let us stand in the gap for you – let us cheer you on, pray for you, cry out for you, hold you and lay side by side face down with you. May you NEVER feel alone because even when we fail – He won’t. Even when we cannot penetrate the darkest moments – He can. He is there kneeling down to pick you up, strengthen you, establish you. I cannot imagine walking through what you are – so I want you to know that whatever comments I leave are attempts to encourage you but I know nothing anyone says can make it better or easier – I will continue in prayer for you! Sunshine
Heather-
When you are “raw and broken” is when your testimony is the most on fire. I am praying for you and ask Our Lord to give you His strength and peace. You are caring a very heavy cross dear Heather and your honesty and courage humble me and encourage me. You are my hero sweetie!
Love and prayers, Jennifer
Heather, I’ve been reading you for awhile, but never posted. I just want to de-lurk for a moment to say thank you from someone who has never had any faith at all.
Just, thank you, because through you, your struggles and faith and your complete honesty, I’ve found a little bit of something I never thought I’d have.
Hugs and prayers Heather! And as always, admiration for your honesty and streangth!!
Your honesty and strength continue to amaze me. I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time. I am continuing to pray for you…
Words from an old song come to my mind:
“Many things about tomorrow I don’t seem to understand,
But I know Who holds tomorrow and I know Who holds my hand.”
That’s all I can say b/c I don’t want to be trite and pretend that I know exactly what you are feeling. I don’t but I do feel great care for you!
Even though I don’t know how it feels to deal with what you’re going through, I know how it feels to want to know how the story ends, especially when you’re in the middle of one of those critical points. The one where you just want it to move forward, and instead, you feel stuck. I know how that feels.
My life is radically different than it was a year ago. I still struggle sometimes with wanting to know what God has planned with all of it, and the pain that is sometimes there. But He is good. He has you and I in the palm of His hand. I know that.
God bless you.
Heather,
I’d like to pass along Biblegateway.com bible verse of the day:
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.â€- Isaiah 41:10
You are such an amazing person to me. I think about you every day. I’m praying for you. I am a better person for having stumbled across your blog.
Missy
Dear Sister, thank you so much for your raw honesty as well as the encouragement and hope you so readily share on this blog. I was recently diagnosed with a debilitating disease–not terminal, so I know it’s a different road–but I could relate to some of the feelings you expressed. My case is mild now but I too have moments of so wanting to know how this story ends and what direction God wants for us.
Thanks for sharing your heart with us.
Praying for you, that He will heal your brokenness and lavish His love on you and your family in powerful ways.
I understand where you are coming from, Heather, and I know it doesn’t even come close to what you are dealing with right now, but that is how I feel right now waiting for this baby to come. I wish I could just fast forward right to the moment she gets here, instead of having to endure all the hard stuff.
Still praying for you! I think it’s awesome how open you are, and have been very inspired by your honesty.
No words that haven’t already been said, Heather, but know we are continueing to uphold you before the Lord.
God bless, He gives us strength.
Praying that he holds you in your brokeness. Your honesty is beautiful. I’m so glad He is there with us even in the questions and the darkness.