Dear Person At Target:
August 17, 2007
I know it must be shocking to see such a young person with no hair, trust me! I look at her everyday in the mirror :) I know that it is hard not to pity her, or give her that “I’m so very sorry honey” look.
But please don’t.
She doesn’t like to focus on the negatives, and rightly so. It took alot of courage for her to go out without her wig, and among the darting eyes and the people quickly looking away- she would just like to feel normal again. She would like for people to look at her like they use to look at her, before she lost her hair and cancer entered her life. She would like to not feel self conscience, or insecure.
She would just like a small piece of her old life back.
I know you mean well, and I really do appreciate your concern, really I do. But instead of giving her the “I’m so very sorry honey” look, try smiling at her, it does her heart so good. She is a survivor, a fighter, and when people pity her it takes the wind out of her sails. If you want to talk to her, ask her about her life- her kids- her husband. Those things are still apart of her life, and she would love to share them with you. But if you dont feel comfortable enough to do that, just smile.
It may be just what she needs today.
Me.
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In other words: Play Nice
83 Responses to “Dear Person At Target:”
I would love to hear from you!
You always get just a plain ol’ smile from me! :D
That did take a lot of courage for you to go out without your wig. I think that’s awesome!! :)
Heather. You look great. Your eyes are just beautiful in the new photo. Keep fighting the good fight!
I remember that when I had no hair twice. People stared and it was awful. You do still look beautiful tho.
Heather..thank you for your honesty, your transparency, and your tremendous faith. Out God is such an AWESOME God. I know you feel Him so close to you that you could almost touch Him. Cling tight. I will pray for you as you specifically asked.
Trusting Him with you,
Fran
What a beautiful post…so filled with truth and honesty. It’s wonderful and raw.
Thank you for sharing.
When I saw your new picture, my first thought was “She’s so beautiful!” Your eyes really stand out. Honestly, I’m not sure if I would have the courage to go out in public without my wig. But then again, you have shown us time and time again what real courage looks like. You are an awesome inspiration :-)
Dear person at Target,
You will never have to wonder what courage and strength look like…
Because you’ve just seen it.
Good post. Good reminder.
Can you please suggest some things we can do or say to the people we meet or friends we have, when they are in situations like yours? I never know what to say. Smiling is a good suggestion. :-)
Well put! You are an amazing woman, that should not allow another’s shallow moment take ANY wind from your sails!
Take care and stand proud, you’ve earned it!
Many Blessings,
Paula
Heather, thank you for always being so real and open. Even tho I haven’t commented lately, I am still reading and praying…
Steph
:) ((hugs))
You really are totally hot. I’m not saying that in the “let’s do our best to make her feel pretty cause she’s bald” sort of way.
I’ve always been goopy jealous of your facial features. Now it’s worse! ha! I want those eyes and lips!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
Thank you for the reminder. I’m learning so much from your journey through surviving and thriving. I will smile next time or ask about your life away from cancer. And as always - pray.
Heather-
Thank you for your honesty and being so real! You are amazing and yes, it does take a lot of courage to go without a wig. Thank you for helping me in my journey of the cancer route by having this website. You have helped so much! Maybe I will get that courage to do the same thing soon.
I am praying daily for you!
Shari
I notice that adults tend to have the hardest time looking at Matt , and children just don’t really notice. ((hugs)) Heather, you are the most beautiful person Inside and out! AND………………………………………
Can’t wait to see you again over Christmas!!!!!!! yes, we are coming! so make me a spot on the floor in your room Okay? ;)
Or better Idea…… push Mark out and I will just sleep with you okay? I love your bed! LOL
Dear Heather, The following is my best attempt at cyber smiles for you today. ((~~~~***!!!***~~~~)) You are lucky that I am too far out here on the west coast to run into you in Target. I would gently grab you and hug you for such a long time and not let go. You would be late for every destination for the rest of the day because of me!! This journey is not for the faint of heart. You are a walking miracle of Grace. Oh, I just had a great idea. T-Shirts with a big happy face (60’s style) and in big letters “Especially Heather” check out my blog. Boy would they be blessed! I am in no way making light of your feelings, but most people out in the world are so bogged down with stuff, they don’t think of compassion for others. Many have not been touched by this in their life yet. My heart smiles for you, truly. I don’t have the proper keys on this keyboard to show you but it is a feeling that is big in my heart for you. You glow with the grace of the Lord shining from your beautiful eyes. When you run into these people and you will, just shoot them one of your gorgeous smiles and ask
God to bless them. Then continue walking tall in your courage and victory.
God is so pleased with you in this journey Heather, He truly is. All of us sisters out here are too. Just keep posting here and ask for what you need, and know we hold you in our hearts.
~*~Hugs, Kisses, and tons of Loving Smiles to you today~*~ Laurel
I know that look! I get it every time I go to a shopping establishment or a restaurant with ALL 5 of my kids. It’s the “didnt anyone ever teach you about birth control” look, LOL. I just simply smile back and carry on with my brood of crazy children as they scream and tear off into 5 different directions :)
When we first arrived at St. Jude it was shocking to see so many bald little kids. In the beginning I realized how our minds are trained to equate hair with feminity, a bald child in jeans and a T-shirt would look like a boy to me until I found out differently.
It took a few weeks, within a month of our arrival I was shaving the last traces of my 9-year old son’s thick, curly locks from his head and we were both crying.
So shocking to see him that way at first. I sent photos to his 3rd grade teacher and she wouldn’t show them to his class. The part of his head that used to be covered by hair was pale, he had tan lines.
But it was a relief not to have hair everywhere. I mourned his hair for two days, then it was time to start looking ahead again.
I grew to love that bald head. There were always stubbly spots with radiation, when he started chemo his head became ever so soft and shiny. His eyes were so beautiful without hair to detract. A St. Jude employee photographed him and his face was on a poster for a while, “Steven of California, Brain Tumor” it read.
I had long stopped seeing bald children as all male. Even if I didn’t know them and if they were very young, I could always tell if they were boys or girls. All the mothers kissed all those little bald heads.
At the end of chemo, when his hair started to grow back, I actually felt a little disappointed because I’d grown to love him how he was, the smoothness of that head. The return of the hair was another milestone in the survival race.
His hair grew in differently, baby fine and oh so soft. Four years later I love this new hair too. Sometimes he wears a hat, sometimes he wears a hairpiece, sometimes he lets his bald spot be seen.
We’re heading back to St. Jude for an MRI on Sunday. The next week he starts middle school. Nothing is easy, but I’m ever so thankful for the chance to fight this battle with him.
I meant to say also, thank you for that post.
I didn’t say this in my prayer post yesterday, but the first thing that came to mind when I saw your ’scarf’ picture was, “she looks amazing.” If I saw you in person I would have smiled at you. :)
Heather,
Bald is beautiful. Whenever I see a bald woman in public, I am reminded of the battle they are fighting. I have always thought of them as brave survivors showing off their sexy bald head! Flaunt it girlfriend! I will remember now to make it a point to smile at them and not avoid eye contact. Thank you for shining your light into this darkened side of cancer.
Katy
You look beautiful bald. Perhaps the Target crowd was just marvelling at that fact. You are in my prayers.
Julie
Dearest Heather,
Most of us came into the world with very little hair if any at all. We were adorable and precious on that memorable day. Loved for bundle of joy that blessed our lives. However, it wasn’t until we smiled… laughed… spoke… and shared all the emotions of living that we truly fell in love with the blessings God gave to us. The inner beauty is most important… and that you have shared today. It’s not about the outer temple God has designed… although that must be appreciated and respected as it is a gift!!! You’re beautiful Heather no matter how we view you… with hair or without. Your beauty shines brightly and radiates all around you! Continue to give God all the Glory for each baby step you take. Next time you’re in Target… or wherever you are… Smile and say “Hello” to those that don’t know what to say. You reflect the courage and strength that God gives you each day! It’s the fear of the unknown that immobilizes people to know what to do or how to respond. Let them know… teach them… that you find your strength in Christ… and that you discover joy with very blessed day!!!
Have a beautifully blessed weekend!!
**Lots of Love and Hugs**
Deborah
Heather -
Thanks for this. It really hit home since Target is my favorite store and so you can find me there on a regular and consistent basis! :-)
Sometimes those of us not faced with the challenge of cancer may not know what the best “response” is when we see someone that is obviously facing your difficult path. For someone like me, my heart goes out to you and I want, in small way or gesture to say, “Hey, I’m with you” or “You go girl!”. Thanks for the reminder that a simple smile is all that is needed!!!
All My Love and prayers for nothing but Sunshine & Rainbows for you and your family -
Amy
Lexington, KY
Oh Heather, I can relate to your trip to Target. It is never easy when you go out in public without hair. I found it was easier if I continued to smile and laugh with whoever I wasd with, since it seemed to make it easier on those around me. I’ll have to admit though that some of the looks I received actually made me laugh out loud. I see people now who look like they have been going through cancer treatment, especially children and women with little or no hair and try to give them an extra smile because I know what they are going through.
Thanks, Heather for setting an example for all of us in how we not only react to others but how we can continue our own walk with God and thank Him for the many blessings he gives us in our life on earth as we struggle to do his will.
Hugs,
Norma
My question is….. did you find great clearance deals???? I LOVE it when I can find cute shoes for $2.92 (That’s Target code for buy it NOW!)
To the lady at Target. poor thing- I feel bad for you—- you don’t have a clue. Cancer ain’t the end all… it’s just a chapter in the book God is writing in Heathers life.
Heather- you’ve given us such a gift— when we don’t know what to say- we should shut up n smile- for real… with hope….not pity.
Honestly Heather, I think you look great. I really do.
HEATHER ,
YOU REALLY WANT TO HEAR A TARGET STORY . MY GRANDAUGHTER HAS C.P. AND WORE NEON BRACES ON HER HANDS TO KEEP THEM FLAT WELL GUESS WHAT WE WERE ASKED STANDING ON LINE. GET READY , WAS SHE LIFTING WEIGHTS , HEATHER SHE WAS 6 MONTHS OLD .I SAID TO HER YES SHE LIFTS 50 LBS. I LAUGH STILL WHEN I THINK OF IT . MUST BE SOMETHING WITH FLORIDA TARGET’S. HOLD THAT HEAD HIGH GIRL , AND BE PROUD . HAVE A GREAT DAY AND I HOPE WE DONT GET ANYMORE HURRICANES EVERRRRRRRR.
Heather,
Your pictures show that you are truly beautiful, with or without hair, but what I am continually impressed with is the beauty of your strengh and courage and faith. Your blog blesses me each time I come here.
I know that music is important in your life, and have been wondering if you have heard the song “God Speaking” from Mandisa’s new album. I think you can still download it free from Mandisa’s site. This song has truly ministered to me and I think of you when I hear it. God is speaking His love to you and His love to others through you (maybe even to the woman at Target).
Hugs and prayers!
My Dad did so well with chemo and they gave him an anti nasea med with it so I hope they do the same for you and it works. They tried giving him a chemo pill and he broke out in a rash over his entire body and he said his nose swelled up like WC Fields! Now he is back on regular chemo and doing fantastic as I know you will.
You are such a beautiful woman!
God Bless and Hugs!
Dear Heather, Bless your heart. Isn’t that the truth about the smile. That’s what we all need to do. You are a very beautiful, brave and precious child of God.
Heather
After our conversation about this issue yesterday I thought of words that one might speak when faced with what you experienced. For very different reasons throughout my life people have said “I feel so sorry or badly for you”. I have always responded with the statement that I have never allowed my circumstances to define me or my life. I think people sometimes stare or look upon others sadly because they don’t know what else to do or say. I have a friend who is a cancer survivor and lost her hair. I remember being at a social event and so many people were looking at my friend with sadness. After this happened a number of times my friend looked at the next person who looked upon her with sadness and commented “I am so hoping my hair comes back red and curly, I always hated having straight blonde hair”. We all laughed and that became her standard answer. It put others at ease and gave her the chance to have fun. Hang in there and I too think you look great!
:D
Girl, I’m sorry about that person. Sometimes we dumbies on the outside have no idea what to say & I’m really sorry for that…..but, it’s true.
You’re a beauty of God! A work of His art! I’m so glad you went out to show that off! =)
xoxo
Lea
I agree with the others. You are beautiful with, or without, hair. You are such an inspiration to me and so many other people. I was thrilled to read that the MRI was clear! I pray for you every day, friend.
I want to let you know that you have already far exceeded our purpose in this life, which is to win people for the Kingdom and to glorify God. That you can continue to do that through all your adversities is such an encouragement for me. I wrote down a list of your specific prayer requests and have it on the mouse pad where I work.
The lack of hair is merely a badge of honor and those who cannot look you in the eye or have pity to say, have no idea of the statement you are making.
God has given you a great strength. That strength has made it so you don’t have to hide yourself in a wig or a wrap.
You are so brave Heather. Christ is clearly with you.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am tucking it in my back pocket and remembering it for the rest of my days.
Hi Heather,
It’s a good reminder - thanks for posting this.
Honestly, so many people don’t know what to do or say, or how to just react to people who are going through something that makes they themselves feel sad or uncomfortable.
At our morning prayer, the reading was from Mark 10:52: ‘Go; your faith has made you well.’ God bless you now and always.
I suppose there have been times when my caring smile came with a dose of sympathy, and was mistaken as pity. Most people care and want to show love, but not having been in your shoes, we are unsure of how to do so. I wouldn’t want my smile to come across as uncaring or trite, and since I DO feel loving sympathy, I suppose it might be seen in my smile. Sympathy, to me, isn’t saying “poor you”, it is instead saying “I bet this is hard, I wish I could help somehow.”
Praying for you often,
~Leah in Alaska
Heather,
I’ve been following your blog for weeks, and never have posted. I just thought I’d stop and say how incredibly courageous and beautiful you are. You are certainly an inspiration. I am not sick or anything, but your strength in God has helped me see again how awesome God is. Thanks for blogging. You are so stunning and beautiful. Don’t let anyone get you down.
xox
Katie in NB, Canada
don’t you just know that is how the hemorrhaging women felt in Jesus’ day. She had spent all she had and just wanted some normalcy. You are beautiful and a strong mighty warrior because of Christ. His glory radiates from you Heather. Praying!
A wonderful post Heather. There is a lady at my gym who works out around the same time I do… I dont know her story but she has a lovely bald head. I always smile when I see her, because wow she looks fabulous. good for you for going without your wig. hold your head high and smile.
Heather,
My brother in law became paraplegic in an accident 20 years ago on Christmas day! Soon after he was able to get out, he went to DMV to update his liscence and one of the employees there looked down at him and very loudly asked him the questions…..he is a very sweet man and said to her “Mam, just my legs don’t work, my ears are fine”. :)
YOU ARE AN SUCH A BEAUTIFUL LADY. BOTH INSIDE AND OUT.
I am going to definitely remember this! Also when I see someone with a kerchief on over her hairless head. NOt to look away. Thanks for this education today. Have you read Amy Wilhoite’s blog about her leukemia struggle over the last year or more? She had a picture of herself with her one year old baby boy, and she has no hair either - and is wearing it proudly. In case you haven’t made her acquaintance, she is also an amazing young woman of faith. Both of you inspire me. She’s at http://wilhoite.blogspot.com/
Blessings!
Heather,
Have a great weekend !! Play with those kids and love on that husband of yours.
Enjoy…
You are beautiful! Your eyes are gorgeous. And if I ever saw you in person, I would definately smile :)
Now, this is a probably a little off topic and I hope you don’t consider it rude in spite of all you’re going through, but I have a prayer request. I ask because you seem to have such an awesome prayer life and I am lacking right now.
I have some good friends that were in a motorcycle accident on Wednesday. They are campus ministers at a college here in Missouri. Chrissy as a bad concussion but they didn’t find any other bleeding so she should be okay. Her husband is another story. He sustained spinal injuries. They did surgery this morning. The repair was done to the C 4 and 5. Please pray that no pneumonia will set in and that his muscles will be strong enough so that he will begin breathing on his own once again.
This surgery was done for stabilization of the spine not with expectation of recovery of movement, but please pray for a miracle and that he will have a full recovery.
I went to Bible College with both of these individuals. There is probably not another individual on this earth as sweet as Chrissy. She illustrates for Standard Publishing in their children’s department as well as for other youth materials. Allen has been a born leader since day one, the only boy out of a family with 4 sisters. His dad was a preacher all of his life till he died about 10 years ago.
I’m having trouble figuring out why things like this happen. I know it’s not God’s fault, but I’m just so sad right now. I wonder how Chrissy will cope with all the new changes that their family will face and what it will mean to their precious 3 1/2 year old daughter, Lily.
So if you wouldn’t mind, please just lift them up in prayer.
practical ? then. i was at a garage sale in small town america where the lady was selling all her my sized lothes after losing 60 lbs…to uterine cancer. shes still fighting (and has her hair btw) So when she told me WHY she lost the weight i simply commented on how great she looks and what a great spirit she seems to have facing more treatment. what else could i o differently? averys on, sorry for bad typing!
You went, you faced all the people who don’t understand and don’t know what to do but pity. You went and claimed that stake of your life back.
You won.
Heather, thank you for the reminder. Today I was at the mall and saw someone who was in a wheelchair, (and probably also somewhat mentally challenged as well). He was staring at me and the boys and so I smiled at him and I think he smiled back, just a bit. Different situation from yours, of course, but similar in the fact that I’m sure most people look at him funny instead of smiling, too. I hope our smiles helped him feel normal AS HE IS.
Blessings to you and I second (third? twentieth?) the opinion that you have beautiful eyes. :)
smiling, brightly.
hoping, frevently
praying, a word or two
and knowing
cancer does not have you
God has you
and that is a good thing
smiling, brightly.
hoping, fervently
praying, a word or two
and knowing
cancer does not have you
God has you
and that is a good thing
The Bible *does* say to treat others as you would have them treat you. And it *does* caution against singing songs to an heavy heart.
Maybe she took those two thoughts together and gave the reaction that she did because it was her very best to give. At least she gave a reaction.
Truly Heather, don’t fall into that p.c. mindset that everyone has to tiptoe around. God’s walking you through something *way* to incredible for that.
With love…
Something for all of us to remember, Heather- thank you.
You brave girl you…
xo
Heather;
You are a beautiful person outside and in.
Hi Heather,
When we look at “things” from Gods point of view we all have our own “battles” I have mine and I have courage, I am a determined person with my own “cancer” and I don’t want people to pity me either but most of the people don’t know what my “cancer” is, and it is BIG, BIG TIME “cancer”
I won’t pity you but encourage you, pity puts fear in people and we want yes, positive “connections”. If I saw you on the street or I was sitting next to you in a coffee shop I would probably ask you why? no hair?
There are so many “cancers” out there, some are not seen.
I prayed for you through the night when I would wake up and the Lord will grant you peace, we need to give HIM One day at a time, and that is what I am doing,
God bless you Heather, I will give you no pity as I don’t want any either.
Marie
What they were really saying to you was, “I’m afraid of what the world has to offer `me`”.
Pray for them. Pray that they may learn to embrace everything of the world that God so wisely created. All of the sorrows, the pains as well as the joys and the overwhelming love.
I learned many, many years ago that pity was not about me. It was all about the person who pities, who stares, who says the cold and wrong thing. They are not courageous. They are afraid.
They are so afraid.
They need God. They need His love. They need to open their eyes to the awesome beauty of this most awesome world. They desire to embrace Christ.
Give them a reassuring smile right back. And pray.
Be strong and be at peace
Diane
And again, I’ve truly learned something through you, Heather. Thank you for giving us this insight.
Blessings,
~Toni~
:)
You know you’ve not only inspired us, but taught us a lot of etiquette. What I find amazing is kids in such situations. They know how to respond to such situations…naturally. I’ve experienced it with my sons. A person’s “different” look matters not to them…they give a smile, a “hi there”, whatever the situation calls for with any person…and I try to learn from them.
Prayers and hugs.
I love this post. It is hard to remember that people may look “different” but they are the same inside…if they have been through what you have, they probably understand a lot more about life than I do! Thanks for the reminder! It helps me to know how to teach my kids what to do and say!
Thank you for sharing this. So many people don’t know how to react. My SIL has MS (multiple screlosis) and obviously walks with great difficulty at times. She too just wants to be treated like everyone else…no “I’m so sorry looks” even though they are meant well.
Heather,
Thanks for sharing this. You are just as radiant and beautiful inside and out now as you were pre-cancer. Sending you big smiles. :)
I’m gonna save this… We are adopting a child from the other side of the world some time next year and I know we’re going to be dealing with the curious looks and wondering strangers whenever we’re out in public. Even though there probably won’t be the pity factor, we will still be longing to just be normal… so thanks for sharing your heart here. What a good reminder for us all. I wish everyone in the world would hear it and “get it.”
That’s so good to be reminded. Sometimes we stare and feel sorry for the person with an obvious sickness or handicap. But we’ll do better in the future.
Love the scarf, it looks rad.
And I put your name on the prayer roll in the LDS temple. It will stay there for two weeks, and people that you don’t even know (well, do you know any of us, really?) will pray for you.
I’m so proud of you. I really look up to you and admire you.
Heather, I really think you are one of those exceptionally beautiful women that can pull off going bald. Maybe that’s why they were staring!
:) Thankyou Heather - a great reminder for us all.
Gosh, Heather - you are BEAUTIFUL! Thanks for such a wonderful, educational post! I’m so overwhelmed by your love for God and your family!
Sweet Heather
I love Webster’s 1828 Dictionary because it gives me an outlook that I can hold on too. When you wrote pity, I thought perhaps there is a way to see it in a light that will warm both your hearts. Here is what it said
PITY, n. [The Latin,Italian, Spanish and Portuguese languages unite pity and piety in the same word, and the word may be from the root of compassion; L. patior, to suffer.]
1. The feeling or suffering of one person, excited by the distresses of another; sympathy with the grief or misery of another; compassion or fellow-suffering.
He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth to the Lord. Prov.19.
In Scripture however, the word pity usually includes
compassion accompanied with some act of charity or benevolence, and not simply a fellow feeling of distress.
Pity is always painful, yet always agreeable.
I like the thought of it being accompanied by compassion, and Compassion is Our Father’s middle name.
Smiling and applauding your courage.
because of Jesus, Bobbie
What a wonderful post, and great advice. BTW- I think you look great!
I’m smiling at you, Heather! More importantly, HE is…and He thinks you are the most courageous warrior He’s ever seen.
With love and prayers and smiles, too,
Holly
I agree with whoever it was way up there in the comments that you are totally hot. You look like a model.
Since I am sure that I have been the woman at Target before, I apologize profusely and thank you for the advice on what to do next time. You are amazing and your journey is inspiring!
I am new here, and I just wanted to say that when I first saw your photo, when I first clicked over, my very first thought was, “She is beautiful!” You are. Inside and out. If you don’t mind, I’m going to copy down your “Sometimes” piece. May God continue to bless you, Heather.
(((hugs)))) . . . I’m always thinking of you.
Heather, you amaze me more and more each day. Love this post. I know you can’t see me right now, but I’m smiling at you and wishing I could sit with you and talk with you about your family!
May God bless you each and every day!
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