“Whatever, Lord”

Im sitting here, trying to think about how to put my heart into words, but the only thing that comes out is “Whatever, Lord.”

Whatever you need to do, do it. Give me the grace and the strength to fight this, because right now I have none of both. I don’t want to do this anymore, I don’t want to feel sick and tired anymore. I am so sick of being sick. If this is what I will feel like for the next year, you have to give me the strength to combat this, because I can’t do this on my own strength. I know you have a plan, and your plan is perfect, but does it have to be so hard? Does it have to be so tiring, draining, so endless? I know you love me, I know that… but right now I need to feel it. I need to feel your hand on my heart, your touch on my soul. You promised you would never leave me, and I believe that, I really do.

So when I say “Whatever Lord” …I truly mean it. Just give me the strength and the grace to face the “Whatever” that is headed at me, that is all I ask.

If you choose to remove this thorn, that would be great, but if you don’t, I ask that you would give me the strength and grace to suffer through the pain. I fear tomorrow, I fear going back on chemo and feeling this way all over again. I fear the lack of appetite and the nausea and the vomiting. I fear the lack of control. That is what it all boils down to, isn’t it? Lack of control.

Yet you tell me in your word that You will help me:
For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. -Isaiah 41:13

You tell me that when I listen to you, you will protect me:
But whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, without fear of harm. -Proverbs 1:33

You tell me that you are my confidence:
For the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.-Proverbs 3:26

You tell me you will give me rest… I so desperately want to rest in you right now:
The Lord has given you rest from your sorrow and pain and from your trouble and unrest and from the hard service with which you were made to serve-Isaiah 14:3

So I cling to these verses, as I face next weeks chemo. I give what little control I have held onto, over to you and say…..

“Whatever, Lord.”

Bring The Rain -MercyMe
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I’ve gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It’s never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there’ll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that’s what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

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  1. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this song sis.

    I love your post today. “WHATEVER LORD” is so fitting with me right now!

    I am praying with you and for you Heather. I truly love you and wish there was something I can say or do to take this all away! Know that I am always here for you.

    Hugs and much love

    Your forever sister! (not inlaw your better than that!) 😉

  2. Heather, I am facing my (hopefully) last chemo on Thursday. I know what you are talking about with the loss of control.
    You have been an amazing strength to me through this battle. I stop by here daily (on a good day) and several times a day (on harder days). Your faith has helped me to keep mine. If you ever wonder if any good has come from your postings, please, know that God is working through you to strengthen me. Thank you and thank God. Hugs to you, Robin

  3. i pray heather that you feel the LORD’S arms around you , holding you thru the bad times. feel that squeeze- that was Him.

  4. I’ve never heard “whatever” used so effectively.


    and I am lifting you in prayer.

  5. Beautifully said. I think God honors it when we surrender and say “Whatever”. In my opinion, there is nothing harder than that.

    I’m praying for you.

  6. Heather,

    Your words often strike me in the heart; reminding me that we are all under God’s control.

    My sister, I am with you….”Whatever Lord”

  7. These are words to a song that I’ve been singing for you lately. In fact I came in here to check up on you, cuz you were on my heart as I mowed my too tall grass and was singing this to the Lord for ya.
    I wish there were a way for you to hear the music. But I can’t remember the title of it. I hope the words fill your mind and soul with new strength today.

    It’s a struggle for survival
    We daily meet the foe
    Out there on the battlefield
    Sometimes we stand alone

    That’s when I reach for my holy armor
    I pick up my shield of faith
    And I march onto the battlefield
    I take out my sword and say

    O the mountain is high
    But it’s not too steep
    And the battle is rough
    But I not too weak

    And I won’t turn back
    Oh No! I won’t turn back.

    O the road is hard
    But it’s not too long
    And the enemy is near
    But he’s not that strong

    And I won’t turn back
    Oh No! I won’t turn back.

    And though the enemy bring war against my soul
    And though a host of evil battles for control

    I will not fear
    For my Lord
    He is near
    And His angels
    Are encamped
    Around me

  8. Psalm 5:11 But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
    let them ever sing for joy.
    Spread your protection over them,
    that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

    Psalm 36:7 How priceless is your unfailing love!
    Both high and low among men
    find refuge in the shadow of your wings.

    Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.

    Malachi 4:2 But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall.

    Acts 3: 16 By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus’ name and the faith that comes through him that has given this complete healing to him, as you can all see.

    Heather — Just believe completely that God will heal you! Ask Him to take it all away! You are such a tower for those of us who read your blog!! I am praying for you in your good days and your bad. God bless!


  9. Please know although I do not comment every day, I pray everyday! Words often seem so inadequate to share how my heart reaches out to you and your family!!

    “Whatever”… probably the most difficult response to God’s leading through our valleys. Probably also the safest as being in the palm of His hand is the “safest” place to be. Not always the easiest or clearest.

    Praying God’s Spirit settles in a special way on you today! Praying He wraps His arms around you in His warm and safe embrace like has never been done before!

    Continuing to stand in the gap through prayer!!!….

  10. I stand with you in prayer and ask the Lord for mercy. Lord ear more than the words of her supplication, hear her heart, catch her tears and have compassion on this young wife and mother. Be merciful to her and as she does whatever, do whatever You need to do to heal her body.

    Because of Jesus, Bobbie

  11. You are in my prayers Heather.

    Once again, you touch my heart!!!!

  12. Heather,
    It has been a while since I have posted here, but I still check in every day. I am so sorry that things are getting so rough for you right now. I wish there was some way that we could remove this pain out of your life. I guess the only way we can try is to pray. I pray that God gives you strength, peace and comfort this week. You are very special.

  13. He is holding you in his hands.

  14. ((((((HUGS)))))

  15. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT! Thank you, Heather. And from this point on, when ever I get a response of “whatever” from a son or teenage niece, my heart will glow….the joy of Jesus…all the way!

  16. Precious Father, please give Heather an abundance of strength and peace to endure the “whatever”of your plan. We trust you, your wisdom and your timing. And we find comfort that you know we are but human with fears and frailties and we must count on you to be ALL that we need.

    Hold her so close, Lord, that she can hear your heartbeat and feel the covering of your presence.

  17. Hugs. Prayers. Rinse. Repeat. My heart aches for you. My spirit reaches to the heavens for you. My mind finds you, often, amidst the many thoughts of my day.

    Though my struggle is far from similar to yours, I too struggle nonetheless and was touched by “whatever”. I often forget that it’s okay to not be in control of my situation all the time. Painful as it may be, I have to believe that God is in control no matter what it looks or feels like.

    I say an Amen to your Whatever!

    Like so many others who come here on a regular basis (sometimes more than once a day) I find myself gathering strength through your words and finding inspiration where many would think there would be none (in your face, devil!).

    Again, I thank you for your courage, your words, sharing it all, even the worst, with us. You are, as always, in my frequent prayers.

  18. I am continuing to pray for you, “whatever” happens.
    Thanks for being such an encouragement and inspiration.
    I love that song. I’m a newbie to Mercy Me, so I haven’t heard it before. Great stuff.
    God bless :)

  19. one of my favorite scriptures talks about being “encircled in the arms of His love” and i wish this for you, Heather. another quote I think of also is “I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it” with love nad prayers, Angie

  20. Those – I think – are the words He longs to hear us whisper. They are hard words. We’re praying Heather for all those things you asked for and more.

  21. Heather I am so with you….doing my chemo therapy treatments and feeling JUST like you do….. Let’s try and hold on together. Sue

  22. Dear, Dear Heather –

    I just found your site today for the first time. I read your post, tears raining down my cheeks. My own sister (also named Heather) will soon be celebrating her second year in remission. She survived two long and grueling rounds of radiation and chemo and a stem cell transplant. I am so proud of her. I know that what you are going through is so, so, so hard. I sat by and watched it in my sister’s eyes.

    I also know what it feels like to be in that ‘whatever’ mode. My little girl has some severe medical challenges and there are days where I don’t know how to keep going or even what to pray. Somehow though, God manages to light the darkness – often a single footstep at a time. So hang in there. Don’t let go. Although it might not feel like it, ‘Whatever’ is really a good prayer. It’s an attitude of surrender that God will not fail to bless.

    So be encouraged today. Be lifted up. You don’t have to do this by yourself. Others in God’s family will be standing by you throughout the next difficult weeks, lifting you up in prayer.

  23. One of my favorite songs as well =]. As I’ve said before though…you are a beautiful rainbow shinig through your rain. I do pray for you to have strength to endure, but I do understand too, where you’re coming from.
    Love you!

  24. UPDATED COMMENT (yes, comments can be updated too;) :

    I just got home from attending our Sunday Service at church. I logged here right away to share wiht you what I have learned. our pastor quoted Nehemiah 8:10 that says:

    “The joy of the Lord is my strength”

    Now what gave me goosebumps is that I saw you also updated your post with the same message :)

    God is good. God is always good.

    Love you Heather.

  25. campstamper03 says:

    I read your post and cried because it reminded me of what I went through 12 years ago. I’m praying that it gets better, however, sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. Remember that He will never give us more then we can handle and He is there, Heather, holding you and giving you strength that you didn’t realize you had. When my children were younger and had a fear of the unknown, I always told them to think of the most beautiful time or place or thing that they knew and to realize that God would give them the beautiful thoughts to go with it. I also used that when I was under going my cancer treatment and it really did help get me through some of the worst times. My mother told me I was going through all of that for a reason and even though I didn’t know why, God had a plan. Heather, you are part of the plan that He has for your life and the lives you have and will touch. Prayers are surrounding you daily to help bring you peace and comfort.


  26. Hi Heather,

    I was thinking about how tough this must be for you and now I read it.

    In these “things” we only have one choice and that is to trust Him. It is difficult to see what good this is doing but as I pray out to God, first why, and then I say “Lord if this will bring glory to you then OK” but in the meam time I question the why because it isn’t only “us” that are affected but our loved ones.

    Cling to the word of God Heather, I know in my walk I wish it would end and this journey of mine has been “forever”. I say to the Lord, ” I give my life to you” but that is all I can do is say it, and then the rest is up to the Lord.

    Every day I ask the Lord to give you strength and yes His word is true but it leaves you to wonder at times.

    Heather…..keep strong..the Lord will give you the strength and for whatever reason sometimes He lets us suffer….for a time…and the purpose….He knows


  27. Heather,

    Every time I read your blog, I’m left thinking the same thing over and over again….It’s truly amazing what the Lord is doing in your life through this most difficult trial.

    I have not battled a long term illness like cancer, so I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around how sick you must feel from the treatments and how totally weary you must be.

    I have struggled with a short term illness that nearly took my life and as I lay in my hospital bed very weak, tired and weary I found myself gripped with fear about what the future held for me. I quite vividly remember getting to the point where I too said “whatever Lord.” I told the Lord that I was done. I was too weak, too weary, too scared and totally unable to go on under my own strength. I was spent emotionally and physically. The Lord in His abundant grace lifted me up, strengthened me and carried me through that trial as He had so faithfully done before.

    2 Corinthians 12:9-10 – And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

    I remember my pastor visiting me while I was hospitalized and sharing that very familiar verse with me. I had read it so many times before and thought “how on earth could one ‘boast’ or take ‘pleasure’ in their infirmities….that’s just impossible!” What I learned through that experience is that I couldn’t get to that point by myself. I had to be broken, exhausted, tired and spent. At that point there was nothing of myself left. I had completely surrendered myself to “whatever” He wanted and at that time the Lord came in and filled me up. That is how I was able to count it all joy or to “boast” in my infirmities. He did all that He promised in that verse and His strength was made perfect in my weakness.

    I continue to pray for you, Heather and I wish I were there to personally hold your hand, pray with you and encourage you. Hugs to you, my friend.


  28. Tracy McKenna says:

    Heather, I read your blog daily and pray for you often. I don’t think I have commented before but feel drawn to today.

    My Mom was diagnosed with cervical and lung cancer in Feb. Remarkably, these were 2 separate cancers, not one metastasized to the other site. She was treated with daily external radiation along with concurrent weekly IV chemo, then 4 days of internal radiation for the cervical cancer. She was very sick through all this. She was so tired and lost a lot of weight. After a month long break she had surgery to remove the tumor in her lung. They ended up removing the whole Left upper lobe. Her recovery was very painful. At her follow up visit her surgeon told us there was one positive lymph node that was in the lung that was removed. She was referred to another oncologist who recommended more chemo. Three weeks on, one week off, for 4 rounds.

    My mom did not want this chemo. She was tired. She was afraid. She was sick of feeling rotten and knew what she was in for. And it was awful. She was soooo sick the first week. She lost 10 lbs and was almost hospitalized. The doc was mad. He had told us that she should never have to feel as bad as she had. There are always way to combat the side effects of chemo. If you are feeling so bad that you can’t function, insist that your onc consider new drugs.

    I know you are on different chemo drugs than my mom but these are some things that helped.
    Take your zofran around the clock. That is, take it every 8 hours. Take the compazine ½ hr before you eat. Also, ask your doc about ativan. Yes, this is an antianxiety drug but it is also used for nausea. I have 2 friends who a re battling cancer, one with a brain tumor, the other with lung cancer. Both take their nausea meds like this as well.

    Also, ask your doctor about a drug called emend. My mother swears by this. It is taken an hour before your chemo then daily after. Not sure how it would be with someone taking oral chemo daily but it doesn’t hurt to ask.

    My Mom has three more chemo treatments then hopefully she’ll be done. Only through prayer, leaning on our Lord, and the help and love of others has she gotten through this. And you will too. God Bless you and I hope you will be feeling better soon.

    Tracy in MA

  29. You are truly, truly an inspiration.

  30. praying


  31. LOVE this song…and i think of you often and pray for you…i think you are handling this “rain” with more grace and courage than i could ever muster up…i know we only see a small glimpse of your life…and we can never understand what you are experiencing…but you my friend are such an inspiration…i am sure you never wanted to be this kind of inspiration to the world…but praise God you are listening to Him and allowing Him to work through you and your suffering to bring others to Him.

    May God’s love comfort and strengthen you.


  32. Please Lord, PLEASE, comfort sweet Heather. Please Lord, touch her body with a touch only You can give. Please Lord, give her peace. Be everything she needs right now and so much more, Lord. Thank you Father for being our healer, our comforter, our salvation. Thank you Lord, for Heather and the testimony she is going to have at the end of this.

    Heather, I always say I am praying and I always do. Today I felt the need to let you hear it. He hears us and He has a plan. I don’t understand it but He is totally in control. Hang in there, girl. Hang in there.

  33. I glanced at your clustermap while reading your post and was stunned by the whole world covered in RED – the entire world, a circle of love, surrounding you!
    The sand of suffering is holy ground, this desert of pain… our shoes are off as we walk beside you, through your blog, because of the holy things that God reveals to those who suffer.

  34. WOW, while I was reading your post, that song kept running through my mind…then to scroll down and see that is what you posted today!!! The words are so true! Can our circumstances change who we are in HIM!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! Praying for you daily….may you feel HIS arms rocking you tonight and may you sense HIS love for you like never before! He adores you Heather!

  35. Oh, Heather- I am so sorry that things are going so rough right now… but I know that this is bringing you so much closer to Jesus and this is what He wants of you. I know He is right there with you in all your suffering- He knows what it means to suffer- He will not let you suffer alone or without total trust in His will for you.
    I am praying for you- always… dear sweet girl…

  36. Love and big hugs and prayers to you, Sister in Christ.

  37. Oh how quickly cancer reminds us that we are not in control. It also lets us know that we never were! That is sometimes hard to take for some of us until we come to the realization that God can and does handle things so much better than we do.
    I am sending a big hug your way and may you receive it as the love of Christ being sent to you. Sometimes he uses people to help us feel His love and so that is what I pray that you feel from all these bloggers who care about you and are praying for you!

  38. Amazing to hear you still trusting in God and being a witness that everything is in His hands. Maybe that post alone was Gods plan, it really put some things into perspective for me!!


    And i hope He will give you what you need!

    God Bless

  39. Praise God!

    “Maybe since my life was changed
    Long before these rainy days”

  40. I have never known what to say to someone who was living with pain and uncertainty. I did learn, through my own daughter’s illness and passing, that being told others care and pray for you is may be as good as anyone can do. In my feeble way I am obliged to offer you no less than Natalie’s friends gave to me.

    Love and prayers…

  41. Dearest Heather,

    I was going to say what Tracy said. Maybe a different chemo medication is in order. Thoroughly go over this with your doctor. This really does not sound “normal”.

    Remember when you had the flu when you were younger and your mom fed you chicken noodle soup afterwards? (Well at least mine did). Soup and crackers were good in little portions. Also when I am very, very sick, lying very still is what makes it ok.

    It makes my heart hurt when I listen to your words and I wish I had something more to offer. I am a Catholic and every Sunday we have a time for offering up prayer. We do everyone including soldiers, and then have a time for personal petitions. You are the first on my list. This is done silently but you can feel the petitions going up to God.

    Blessings on your family,

  42. That song has ministered to us so much in the last 6 months of grieving. My husband actually sang it in church on Father’s Day and had the whole congregation in tears. It’s such a great song, and so good to remember that it’s all about Him. We are just all part of His glorious design, and thank God we are part of it. I will pray specifically that you will not get nausea and have energy to be a wife, and mom this week, blessings and hugs to you!
    Cindy Waldeck

  43. Praying for you as always. Hugs to you.

  44. KimberlyDi says:

    This is embarrassing to say but what the heck, if it might help you… Activia, the yogurt, is amazing when it comes to keeping your system regular. Strawberry flavor tastes pretty good. It has also eliminated my husband’s heart burn and enabled him to stop taking Previcid (sp?).

  45. Praying for you.

  46. When I was reading your post, it brought to mind a song by Ginny Owens. I tried finding an audio link or youtube video, but no such luck. I’ll just post the lyrics link, so you can take a look.

    The song is “If You Want Me To”


  47. I love that MercyMe song, too. The Matt Redman song “You Never Let Go” has been a great encouragement for me, as well. I’m praying for you, Heather, right now! ((HUGS))

  48. Dear Sister, praying for you.