Despite Myself…
August 30, 2007
This post was originally written in November of 2006, but I think it is worth repeating. (although I had huge tears when I came to the last part.)
Thank you for the beautiful cool morning, its been a while since we have been able to just sit and talk.
Today, as I shuffled through our morning routine, I looked around me and saw the amazing family you had blessed me with. I often wonder what I did to deserve them. I want to take some time today and thank you for them individually.
Thank you for my husband. He is such an awesome, God fearing man. Thank you for placing him in my life, and for giving him the heart to choose me. Our marriage has been filled with many sad moments, yet he has a way of gently putting his hand on my back and reminding me that inspite of the pain, there is so much hope. Thank you for the father you created him to be. His love for his children is so amazing. Thank you for giving us a leader, and a provider. He is such a blessing to me.
Thank you for Easton. She is such a beautiful soul. Even though we have our moments, she looks at me with those blue eyes and reminds me that different isnt always bad. Thank you for the tomboy you created her to be. Thank you for reminding me that I dont have to be in control, and that dresses and girls dont always go hand in hand. Thank you for the lessons you teach me through her on a daily basis. Her love for life, her mischeivious spirit- her love for you. Thank you for calling her your own. It is an amazing feeling knowing that my oldest child knows her savior, and follows you in her 9 year old life. She and I are so much alike that sometimes we butt heads, yet I love her more than I could ever describe. Thank you for my first born.
Thank you for Elijah. He is such a soft spirited little boy. Thank you for his tender heart. I have so many hopes and dreams for him, yet again he reminds me that not all boys love football and being dirty. Thank you for his compassion and love for his sisters. Thank you for the bond he has with them, and the way he looks after them as much as a 6 year old boy can. Help me not overlook him because he is so willing to take care of himself. Help me show him your love on a daily basis. He is wise beyond his years. His love for his daddy is so fierce, thank you for that bond. Thank you for the man he is becoming, and the little boy he still is.
Thank your Emma. For all the lessons she has taught me, and continues to teach me. Thank you for her laugh and for her zest for life. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to walk this road with her, and for surrounding us with people to carry us when our burden is too heavy. Thank you for blessing us with this child. You are a God of miracles, and we have seen them on a daily basis. Thank you for holding her in your hands and loving her even more than we do. Thank you for the testimony, the amazing testimony of this little girls life. Thank you for choosing me to be her mom. Thank you for her love for that purple dinosaur, despite my every attempt to move her loyalties elsewhere. Thank you for her giggles and her sweet cry. For her blue eyes that can pierce right into my soul. Thank you for every day I have with her, every day is so precious. Prepare my heart for her future, whatever that future might be. Help me not fear what tomorrow holds, but instead revel in the miracle we have today.
Thank you for my life, Lord. Thank you for loving me despite myself. Sometimes I feel alone, sometimes I feel cheated and jealous of what others have, but in the midst of my heartache I know that you are there. You are there in my joy and in my sorrow. You hold my hand and guide me when I don’t have the strength to lift my head. Thank you for the normalcy we have right now- for the laundry and the dirty dishes. Thank you for the security of a hospital when it is needed, but nothing is as wonderful as tucking my children into their beds at night and curling up with my husband to watch a movie in my own home. Thank you for giving that to me today.
Thank you for my family. Thank you for loving them far more than I ever could.
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40 Responses to “Despite Myself…”
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Amazing. That’s all I can say. Thank you for your perspective and for reminding me where mine needs to be. Thank you for opening your life, your heart and your very soul up to me….a total stranger…..and for allowing the pain in your life to help me realize I am not alone and someone else really does understand how I ache inside just tired of dealing with cancer. God placed you in my life at a time when my spirit was becoming weak, when I was tired of being strong, and through you He reminds me of the blessing I have in being able to share this nasty road of cancer with my husband. And even more importantly He reminds me that, yes cancer is a huge fight for my whole family, but often I feel sorry for myself….and I’m just the spouse. It isn’t about me at all. It’s about the hand of God leading me through the darkest vallies I could ever imagine and proving Himself over and over. So again, thank YOU HEATHER, for being a real person and for just being exactly who you are.
What a beautiful reminder to us all to give thanks for the blessings God has extravagantly poured out on us. We do nothing to deserve it and yet, out of His great love and mercy, He gives and keeps on giving! Even when the road before is dark and unmarked, he holds our hands through the darkness and guides us through!
At one point, our family was dealing with a rebellious child. We had had to kick her out of the home because of lifestyle choices she was making. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. Within a year, she had dropped out of college, had her car repossessed, was in deep debt, was in an abusive relationship and was pregnant. How my heart ached! We allowed her to move back home to get away from the bad relationship and help her to sort things out in her own mind. We encouraged her to give her child up for adoption becasue I know first-hand how hard it is being a single mom. This was really hard becasue I told her, this is my first grandchild I’m encouraging you to give away. This is a niece or a nephew to your siblings, there is no easy way out here! In spite of that, I felt no connection with this child, in fact, I felt nothing at all. Eventually, she decided to keep the child and be a single mom. I hated myself for the way I was feeling (or not feeling). I cried out to God and He heard my cries. He told me that no one else could walk my path but me. But I wasn’t walking it alone, that He would be with me every difficult step of the way. That was liberating! It was okay to be detached, I wasn’t expected to feel a certain way and in God’s time, I would come through on the other side.
I wasn’t there when my first grandchild was born. In fact, for the first 3 weeks, I felt nothing in my heart at all. Then, in an instant, that feeling that I had thought should’ve been there all along, flooded in over my heart and waves of love swept over me. 5 years later, my daughter is married, has a good job, is starting her own business and my little “Jelly Bean” started Kindergarten! I’m crazy about that precious child and I still marvel that God took my heart and filled it to overflowing. I couldn’t see it at the time but He knew what He wanted to do in my heart.
Trust would be so much easier if we could see the outcome. I guess that’s why they call it faith.
Happy Thursday!
Connie
Thanks Heather and may God continue to strengthen you in mind, body and spirit.
Girl, you always know how to put things in words that touch my heart. Thank you for putting my life back in perspective again as always. You truly are blessed, and I feel blessed to be a part of your family!
Love you sis!
Off to go Give Thanks for my Beautiful family now too!
Thank you, Heather. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful life and family with me. (with us all!) The glimpses into each part are amazing.
Abby
What a wonderful reflection…
What a beautiful tribute to your family!
Thank you, Heather, for reminding us to be thankful in everything and to give praise to the One who blesses us daily!
Thanks Heather for sharing again the beautiful blessing you wrote for your family.
Have a mentioned lately how great I think the pic is of you? Of course, I’m partial to bald heads — my husband has one too… You carry it very lovely :-)
God bless,
Sallie
WOW…..you are so amazing and full of faith. You really are stronger than cancer and I am so proud for you and so very thankful that I have stumbled upon your site. I truly get a blessing each and every day I come here to check on you. Heather, I do wish you many blessings and wonderful good feeling days with your family.
God bless you!!
Thanks, Heather, for sharing your blessings.
Have a blessed day,
Hugs,
Norma
I’m so glad that God has blessed your life with your beloved family members. He’s blessed my life in the same way and I am eternally grateful!
Thank you for sharing!
I’ve been catching up, Heather–it’s been a while since I’ve been able to sit and see what’s going on with you, though I pray for you often–and this was such a fitting cap to end all the past posts I’ve been reading today. The thing that, once again, stands out to me the most is the tremendous growth the Lord is doing in you, and just how evident His strength is through you… thank you for being real. Continuing to pray, and looking forward to better “keeping up” with you again from here on out.
Hi Heather, After just reading your post this morning, I am struck by the fact that you originally wrote in in November of 2006, before your journey with
cancer this year. Your heart was already in the right place back then for what you were about to face head on. How good is God in all of this?? It just really proves to me once again that He knows every detail of what is ahead and starts preparations in our hearts before we hit the Wall. Everything on your gratitude list is exactly what has been paramount in seeing you through, with God at the center of all of it, of course. I love the way Connie put it in her post–”Trust would be so much easier if we could see the outcome. I guess that’s why they call it faith.” That so much sums it up. Isn’t it wonderful to be a work in progress as the Master of all plans leads us through? I pray that the meds are becoming balanced for you and that you sleep like a baby each night. ~*~May Joy and Peace and Blessings pour down on you today~*~ Laurel in Ca.
I have to admit it’s not easy to ready your story but I am thankful for it. I am learing a lot. I am learning what it truly means to trust God. Judy
You and Trish from Ashley’s Story have taught me to pray. You have both taught me to be thankful for life and the very breath I breathe and to never take ANYTHING for granted. You have taught me that I can pray for somebody I don’t even know and will probably never meet this side of heaven. Oh, but on the other side! What a day that will be. To get to meet all my friends. My Ashley, my Heather, and my Trish. You have taught me that I can call you friend even though we’ve never met. Judy
I pray you post this again in a year and life is normal…with dirty dishes and laudry calling you.
Lots of Love Today,
Astraea
WOW! as I read this post I thought of each one of my children. Their differences make them who they are. I have a son with extreme medical needs, so much so that he lives in a hospital for medically fragile children. I am so grateful for his life and that the Lord chose me, of all people to mother him. What an honor that the Lord trusts me to care for Fletcher.
We think of you daily and pray for you several times a day. You have been such an inspiration to me as a wife and mother. Your strength comes only from the Lord!
Be blesed~
Denise
Thank you Heather, for the wonderful reminder of waht I need to do right now…thank God for my blessings!
It’s been a very stressful past week here…not in terms of the disease or tumors…but with children and husbands and work and bills and everything else that I should be thankful for!
Thanks again for reminding me!
You had tears at the END??? I had them from the first sentence. Your heart through cancer is the same as it was before Sweet Heather, it s just more mature and larger now. But the content of your heart has not changed, it is still filled with Jesus.
I know you pray for so many blog friends, I see you at Kelli’s often. Would yu please add my granddaugther Tirzah to your prayer List as we wait to see the path the Lord has for her to walk?
Here is the most recent post http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/bubbebobbie/382411/
Because of Jesus, Bobbie
Beautiful…nuff said
Heather…I find myself seeking your blog on a daily basis…you truly are amazing…and being a *christian person* myself I just need to tell you ~ I KNOW GOD IS PROUD OF YOU! You share incredible strength thru your blog, my prayers continue for your journey!
That is so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes. *hugs*
Thank you for sharing this and making me think about all the positives in life. I am so thankful for my family. Each of us are different for a reason and that is just the way it should be. Thank you for making me mindful of this in the hectic times of life.
Your journey is encouraging me and helping me to be a better mother and wife to my family. I hate the hard days that you have been having and I will continue lifting you up in your valleys as you have done for me.
Stay stong and be blessed,
Chris
Heather, that was just beautiful. If God had chosen to take you in November, your heart would’ve been ready. Thankfully (for us), you’re here, showing his glory through your everyday life and victory over cancer.
Blessings, Heather.
Amazing reflection…what a good one! Thank you for sharing!
The tears sting my eyes as well, Heather. Yet, I am SO glad you posted this again. I especially loved the ending, because it shows your steadfast faith and your spirit that loved the Lord so much, even before you knew cancer would be in your path.
May He strengthen you and bolster you through the words of your past that resonate in your present and give hope for your future.
You are precious, to so many, dear Heather. Praying for you as I head off to bed tonight.
Tears falling with you, Heather. How very precious…each word! Praying for you to continue to walk this thing out in victory and honor and glory…praying for God to heal you, friend.
Love,
holly
Heather, You are such a wonderful inspiration and example to all. Your perseverance is a blessing to many. You are pressing on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. You are an example of scriputre that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens. As you press on in all things believing and trusting in Jesus Christ, the one who knows you best, leave behind His peace, joy and righteousness with every step. Keep smiling and writing and loving and thanking, be blessed. Thank you for sharing and encouraging others. Always look up, and fight the good fight. I have been fighting for 28years now with chronic illness and severe pain, I was diagnosed with a very rare disease and was given a life span not to exceed age 20 and am now 47 and it is the Lord’s love and grace and my family love and commitment and the prayers of the saints that sustain me. How thankful we are and blessed beyond measure!!!
In Christ love,
elaine
This is beautiful. I pray that I can have a similar mentality about the life He has blessed me with.
Heather, as a relatively new reader of yours, I did not read this a year ago. I thank you for reposting it. There can never be enough gratitude in this world. In fact, that is one thing this world truly lacks. Thank you for your faith, insights, thoughts, prayers for others, for your words in this blog and for your “happy heart” (Madame Blueberry, VeggieTales). You are an amazing example to your family, friends and readers - you don’t just have faith ~ you live it. May you always be grateful.
Peace,
Heather
I cried the entire time I was reading this. It put things into perspective for me and made me realize how much I have to be grateful for. I am so blessed for having found your blog. Thank you for your honesty, your courage, your testimony. Thank you.
Heather I have spent this evening going back to the beginning of your post to where you first found out. I couldn’t stop there I read each post to see how you dealt with this terrible blow. I am amazed by you and your spiritual life, love for God, trust and the honor and glory that you are giving to him. You truly are living the christian life. You are a blessing to others, not only cancer patients, but others like myself who are just dealing with life. You truly have blessed me today. I am adding you to my blogsite (if that is ok) I have many friends who visit and your testimony is so good. I want you to know I am praying for you and your family as my friends and family will do. I truly believe God is healing you, all of the good things that have come from this. The timing (how you found out) getting to the Mayo quickly. Oh My, God is sooo Good and you show people (so many people) his love on a daily basis. I pray that you will have strength to overcome the fears that lay ahead. I truly believe you will beat this. Stay strong and remember we are praying for you.
I think you have an amazing family, I feel like I know them just from reading about them. God bless each one of you. I will continue to visit and keep in touch. You have so much grace and diginity and I just want you to know that you have made a difference in my life tonight. I pray for a good nights rest for you, and many days of comfort and ease in the days ahead. God Bless and keep you in his loving care
Sheila
I know you’ve got lots more going on, but I just wanted to share the nice award with you. ((hugs))
That was beautiful! You have been truly blessed with an amazing family and the ability to help others see our own for what a blessing they are as well! I thank you for that!
The awesome thing is that your post is all still as true today as it was bc. It is so important to stop and be thankful for what is right under our noses every day. Why is it those are often the easiest things to take for granted? Thanks for the reminder. Continuing to pray for you.
And thank of, Father God, for Heather. For her honesty and for her life. Thank you for giving her the strength to battle every day. And thank you for using her in amazing ways through this less than perfect time. And, thank you Heather for allowing God to work through you. You have blessed my life in many ways, though I know you only from the Land of Blogs. You, your husband, and your babies are in my prayers every day.
I hope you both have a wonderful time.
:)
How wonderful Heather!!!!!!
Hey Heather,
Just checkin in on you. I’ve been working a lot and unable to blog, but think of you often. Enjoy your hotel!