Before Cancer, I thought I had the world by the horns. I had a wonderfully wonderful husband, great kids, great parents, and great friends. I couldn’t have asked for more. Even Emma’s health was remarkably well.
Now, I take a look back at my past and wonder. I wonder if I had known then that I had cancer, would I do anything different. Was I the friend that I should have been, the wife, the mother, the daughter? When people looked at my life, did they think good things, or bad. Did I bring a smile to their face or a scowl to their hearts.
I would love to tell you that the answer was super positive, and that I hadn’t hurt anyone in my life. But that would be false. I am human, after all. I have done my fair share of hurting people, and I feel horrible when thinking about the people whose lives I have touched in a negative way.
Then I started thinking about people who I have been hurt by. Ouch. That one stings a bit more. Cancer has changed my view of myself. I no longer look at myself as “entitled”. I am owed nothing. This life is what God destined it to be for me, and nothing more. When I think of people in my past who have hurt me or who I feel have done me wrong, I smile. I know they didn’t mean to, and even if they did, it isn’t worth hanging onto anymore. I can make a conscience choice to live in the past and be angry and bitter, or I can choose the road less traveled and look towards what ever the future holds for me, forgiveness and all.
Forgiveness does not change the past,
but it does enlarge the future.
That is so very true. I have come along way in my journey, not just with cancer but life. Some things are just not worth holding onto.
These lyrics from Brandon Heath really really touch me:
Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that’s what love is all about
How can I talk about grace and Christ’s love, yet not be forgiving of those who have hurt me? I’m learning that it is easier to forgive when you have Christ by your side- His grace is an amazing amazing thing, and it has taught me so very much in the last few months. Forgiveness doesn’t have to be such a horrid painful thing, it really doesn’t. After all, we have such a great example. When Christ said “Seventy times Seven”, He really meant it. I know that some of you are burning holes through the screen, but seriously, He did.
Now, I am not saying that you should let every person back into your life that has caused you harm. I am not stupid, there are some relationships that just cant be put back together again. Trust me, I know. Cancer has taught me alot about not being naive too 😉
I use to question God about forgiveness saying “You don’t know how much they hurt me” or my favorite “You just don’t understand” I am sure that He had a smile on His face during those moments.
How in the world can God NOT understand? He made the ultimate sacrifice for my sins. He forgave me of every trespass that I have made.
The very least I can do is forgive those who trespass against me.