I am doing normal things, but I don’t feel normal. I feel like life is going on around me and I am stuck back in April when, honestly, my world fell apart. I fail to have words to describe the place where I am, spiritually or emotionally. It isn’t so much a lack of anything in particular, it is more that I am stuck. I am stuck wondering what the Lord is asking of me, I am stuck trying to move on, I am just stuck. I go through the motions of homeschooling, laundry, being a wife and mother, you know, normal things, but inside I am dying for answers to questions that I have asked so many times. And yet, what makes me think the answers are any different now… or lack of answers, that is, than they were last time I asked them? It’s a vicious circle that I put myself through.
Many of you have suggested writing a book (including my dad and husband). I don’t know the first thing about writing a book (editors, publishers, etc.) yet I feel the Lord leading me in that direction. Honestly the whole idea stresses me out, and so I haven’t done the research out of fear (and honestly, exhaustion). Fear seems to be the running tag line in my life lately. Fear of the unknown, fear of being out of control, and quite honestly, fear of facing my mortality. Cancer makes you face your mortality like no other thing. It isn’t something that you face and are done with, it is a continual process that has the habit of sneaking up on you when you least expect it.
Honestly, and this is something that I struggle with telling you all, but I feel so much pressure to be positive on this blog. Its not that I am not positive in my circumstances but sometimes I have bad days, and I just want to write about them without the fear of who I am going to offend or who I my words are going to affect. I know that no one expects me to be upbeat and positive all the time, it is pressure that I put on myself, but I need you to know that. When I don’t blog, it is usually because I am having a rough time. Not all the time, but most of the time. This last week was a really rough time for me for no particular reason. I just felt really sad, and my pride kept me from sharing that here.
So, life is going on. Normal things are going on around me. You would think I would be basking in the normalcy of everyday life, but it doesn’t feel like it use to, and that is a feeling that I cant put into words. Normal is not so normal since cancer entered my life.
And I am struggling with that reality.
FEAR- Casting Crowns
But the stone was just the right size
to take the giant down
And the waves don’t seem so high
when I’m standing on top of them looking down
And I’d soar with the wings of eagles
if I could just ignore the sound
Of the waves and the giants,
the waves and the giants in my mind
Lord, you’ve not given me a spirit of fear
But of power and of love,
and of a sound mind
So from now on,
I won’t let the tempter’s lies
turn my eyes away from the prize
That you have set before me.
That you have set before me.
Oh, Heather, I’m so glad you shared this with us. Honestly, you were making me feel like such a slacker Christian!! Here’s the thing – the people who visit this blog do so because we care about you. We have grown to love you. Anyone who can’t handle that you are having trouble dealing with your diagnosis sometimes either lives in an alternate reality or isn’t worth your worrying about.
Remember in the Psalms? David had some mighty low points, even begging God to take his life at times. If he hadn’t had the courage to do that, we’d never know that it’s ok to question God, to tell Him how we truly feel. Not to put more pressure on you, because surely that is the last thing you need, but maybe you have some people here who don’t really read their Bible, who don’t know it’s ok to wonder what on earth is God doing here?; people for whom you are their Bible.
God wants us to keep it real. I hope you’ll feel able to share what you are going through, but I can understand if you just don’t feel like bothering. The important thing is that we are here to support you and you don’t need to worry about being positive and upbeat for us all the time. We’re all big girls – we can handle it!
BTW, my devotion this morning was on 2Cor4: 5-18. Great verses…maybe I should have read them before posting to you. We have HOPE because of Him. I have truly been blessed by the words and songs you have shared, and I want you to know that you have made a difference in my life. In His Grip, Lynnebee
Be with me God,
be with me and light my way.
Show me your knowledge of me.
Bring me into the truth of my life,
which is You.
Enter in to my heart and take away this suffocating guilt
and pain
and aloneness
I feel
in the depths of a nothingness my sinful nature
has created within my soul.
Gather me up into your arms,
change my doubt into faith,
my disdain into love,
my impatience into hope.
Free me from the anxiety for tomorrow,
let me bask in the glory of your glowing and radiant
love for me.
Help me to see the goodness of life
and carry me out of the gloom which I cling to so
tenuously.
Hear my cries and touch my tears.
Show them to me
and let me taste their bitterness-
contrasting it with the sweetness of Your Mercy.
Lord
cling to me as my shadow
though at different times of the day
I see you not,
yet you are there
and I think nothing of you.
Bring me into the light
which casts the shadow
I am able to perceive
and bend to touch.
Let me know the love
I so ardently yearn for
and grieve for
and oh
so want
to feel.
by Alexa S.
Heather,
I just wanted to check on you and add my prayers to the mix. Also, there is a very good book called “My Mourning into Dancing” by Henri Nouwen. He really makes the point that we must embrace ALL aspects of our lives and emotions inorder to fully recieve the peace of God. It is a fairly short book, but very powerful. Trying to dismiss our negative emotions keeps the grace of God from being able to cover them. And just like Lori (above) says, I am SO thankful for the Psalms. There isn’t ONE emotion that you will not find there.
Peace and love to you,
Michelle
“Normal” what is that. I do know that normal (whatever that means) always changes. As long as Easton is not wearing dresses and Eli is not outside playing in the mud and cant forget about Emma if she is talking in full sentence then your life is still normal.
I think when the time is right for you I think you should write a book; you have an amazing gift for that.
I also think this is your blog; if you are feeling down in the dumps then tell us. I know I have been surprised that you haven’t had “bad days”; you are human you have feelings good or bad and I don’t think anyone would feel differently towards you if you had a message with a big sad face. I think everyone could honestly understand that.
Be who you are–and that is an amazing person!!!
Heather,
Another one of my favorite blogs (besides yours :>) is written by 4 female Christian authors. They write novels, but I bet they’d have some great ideas for a new author getting started. Kristin Billerbeck is one of my very favorite authors…she writes the best Chick Lit! She also battles daily with MS, and she is a great example of Christ living in her.
If you get a chance, check out their blog:
http://girlswriteout.blogspot.com/
~Sally
Girl, I just love you. You’re real & that’s exactly why we all keep coming back — for you to update us on how to pray & to thank Him for your allowing us to pray with you. That was going to be my question from yesterday — how do you fight the negative, Satan to be exact? He is evil & sneaks in for every opportunity to control your thoughts…….
You are an inspiration, I love knowing what a fighter you are through this blog. But, please know that at no time do you have to be strong for your readers — we love you, however you blog for the day. We want to know your struggles, or just your blah days — really. We really want to pray for you, mostly because you’ve blessed us all so much.
I hope your day is bright today, thank you for sharing with us….us that feel as if we’re your ‘friends!’ Please think about the book idea — it might be a whole new therapy for you! Someone else can do the legwork for you (to begin it)…..
xoxo
Lea H. (Indiana)
When I had my first stroke in January 2007, I quit blogging for the same reasons you’ve mentioned.
Fear, deep/dark questions, and a somber anger burned within me. I was overcome. I lost my voice.
The world does not need another cookie cutter Christian writer. We need authentic voices, voices willing to question/ponder and willing to share their struggles (and victories). For that reason alone, I hope you continue writing.
My illness has taught me that it is better to have the right questions than it is to have the right answers. I have learned to draw great comfort from my own questions, to simply let them be, and to grow in them. One day, I might rediscover the words to share this with others. For now, I am content to be, simply be. And in doing this, I rest in Him, I rest in the greatest mystery/question of all.
I wish you peace today Heather. God’s peace.
Typically when I read here, I have a comment to make but make the mistake of reading everyone else’s comment before I start to write mine. By the time I get to the “Leave a Reply” section, my thoughts have now become everyone else has said it so much better than I ever could and what do I have to share that she will want to hear or that will possibly help her? So today I’m reading nothing but your post and dropping straight into my reply… here goes.
I have written before and mentioned that my husband’s tumor was found in 2001. His amygdala-hippocampectomy was performed two months later. He did not receive radiation because of the size and location of the tumor and because they wanted to save that option for later, just in case. (knocking on wood)
Yes, indeed… cancer most definitely makes you face your mortality like no other thing and six years later, he waits to feel normalcy return as he performs the day to day tasks. And yet, he has learned, I think, that this is the new state of normal. There were the dark days of depression in there that nobody warned us about which many people who go through life-threatening illness face and may have to be treated for, and now, so much happier days. Laughter and silliness are a rule in our house, Heather.
But this place, this place you have created here in your blog/journal is your own. And I’m quite certain that many others are gaining as much from seeing your darker days of writing (as I’ve mentioned, these are normal and many times, those who go through this are not warned of just how normal they are) as they/we are by seeing your positive days. So write it. You will find it cathartic not only for you, but for everyone going through your experience with you and going through their own experience beside you and after you who are watching and learning. They too, need to know that it isn’t all happiness and light. It is your truth. And you have no idea how much you are helping by sharing that very truth.
Much love, a caregiver to a fellow brain tumor warrior…
I have found that blogging on my bad days can provide some amazing support from friends and strangers alike. So if you can’t find any other reason, do it for selfish ones.
Besides…if you were happy all the time I would have to reach through the computer and smack you upside the head. Cancer or not, that would really annoy me.
)
Now I have to think of how to respond to your invitation to chat since I’ve delurked…
I understand the pressure of not showing us your bad days–but please don’t worry about it. It’s your blog–we are visitors.
About the fear…yesterday my daughters went in the backyard to play in the sprinkler. There were ants in various places and I guess I went a little overboard warning them about the ants. When I looked back out they were both tip toeing around in the grass, looking cautiously around them. They weren’t even playing in the sprinkler, just walking around thinking about those ants.
I told them, “Oh for heaven’s sake! Go PLAY! If you get into ants, we’ll put medicine on your bites. Don’t worry about them!”
I wanted them to have fun–that was the point of sending them out (OK, and to run off a little energy!). I hated to see them worrying about something that might or might not happen that they were missing the whole point of the activity! Fear is a robber and a thief. I can’t remember how many times the Bible says “Do not be afraid” but it’s a lot!
I’m saying all this to say: I know why you have fear. It isn’t cancer. It’s the enemy. I understand why you feel fearful– I would too! I’m not criticizing you AT ALL! Just reminding you where fear comes from. I am praying for you!
Oh Heather you dont need to be this bright shining positive person all the time, I dont think any of us expect that and we should be here to listen to all your sorrows and fears it helps you to get them out, and in that way we can give you a source to let go and not be afraid. We do not expect you to feel everyday happy and giving us all this positive thoughts we would still Love and Pray for you. I think because we all tell you how brave and what a blessing you are in our lives we have burdened you to be this way all the time its not true you are human Heather and we already know what a wonderful person you are and if you wrote Im so sad today and sick we would just pray harder to lift you up. So please dont try and be anything l;ess than human with us. Dont feel pressure to hold us up we are here to hold you up. God Bless
Honey, this is YOUR blog so you just come here and tell you really feel. Don’t let those fears stop you from being YOU, even when you feel like that isn’t a very positive you. You are human and you have all right to have plenty of days when you aren’t positive, when you are tired, upset, angry, sad, or just whatever. You touch your readers soooo much! And even through those times when you aren’t “up” then you can still touch us all just as much by just sharing YOU with us and letting everyone’s thoughts and prayers help lift you up. I know that I barely even know you, but the way that you have touched me while I’ve been reading your blog is really indescribable and I know that there are many, many others who feel the same way! God bless you!!
Ok, I didn’t read all the other comments (some but not all) so I may be repeating some others. About the book, don’t worry about how to get it published, that information will come to you when you are ready. Just write what you need to write how you need to write it. Whatever you choose to do after that is your choice. Also, write on here what you need to write. If you don’t feel comfortable writing on your bad days, don’t. But, if you need to, then do. We love you and accept you and you do what you need to do. I didn’t put this very eloquently, but wanted you to know that we support you and pray for you, on the good days and the bad days, so it’s ok to let us know it’s bad. We’ll just pray even harder then. You are an amazing inspiration, and a large part of that inspiration has come from the glimpses of the bad days that we see. God bless you!
Heather, I know what you mean (in a small way) about the pressure to be positive. I think sometimes I want to badly to be a good witness about Jesus and I’m concerned that I will mess up His reputation by being honest about my rotten days. I’m encouraged by how David was so brutally honest in the Psalms. He definitely struggled emotionally and didn’t hide it, but (amlost?) always ended with a declaration of his faith in God. Every single one of us has bad days, and hard seasons (some much more grueling than others as you know too well) and it’s good for us to share how God walks with us even in those valleys, even when we feel hopeless, even when we aren’t sure we believe everything we say we do, even when we can hardly feel that He’s there. I think it’s okay for you to share the fight with us AND IT’S OK TO KEEP IT TO YOURSELF sometimes. You aren’t a piece of art on display for all of us to study. The only One you have to please is Jesus… If He wants you to keep writing here, He’ll give you the words and the strength to share them.
You personally blessed me so much when you wrote me back after finding the song I sent you in your spam folder. : ) The fact that it blessed you was a big encouragement to me. Thank you and thank you for being real.
Heather,
Don’t let fear stop you from writing a book. Reach out, find some guidance, and do it! It would be the most fantastic book of strength, and faith, and glory.
I was afraid of starting fundraising efforts. I was afraid of looking stupid. I was afraid of failing. And I never should have been, because it limited me for almost two years.
Go for it! Because if you dream it, it will happen.
Heather,
So nice to meet you. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I’ve been deeply touched by the postings on your own blog.
While reading this particular post I was reminded of something the Lord gave me a year ago while still reeling with the loss of my dear mother-in-law.
If you don’t mind I’d love to share it with you. It was something I ended up posting on my old blog site. Following is the link to the old blog. You’ll need to scroll all the way down to the bottom and read the post tiitled “How Are You Holding Up?”. This was during a difficult time in my life. The source of my encouragement “then” has been & still IS the source of my strength for today.
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Eph456/page2/&thisy=&thism=&thisd=
God bless & keep you and cause His face to shine upon you, in Jesus name. Amen.
Love,
Shannon
sweetie, just share your heart. good bad indifferent, we are all human beings, frail and fallible, and experience real feelings. this is your space to be yourself, nobody would fault you for it.
i just read somewhere today we should maintain journals so our children have a “record” of our real selves; mine would scare them, i am certain of it! it is the *only* place i can be really myself, naked before God, honest and without reservation. i would suggest you maintain one for yourself to write out all of your hopes, fears. anything you wish you could put here on your blog, but think better of it, that belongs. also, take your time in picking one out — make sure you like the feel of it, smell of it…it is your personal space. put clippings in it from magazines, quotes. make it what you want.
it will be yours and it will be tangible.
another thought: what you write here, even if it wasn’t uplifting, is inspired writing, dear one. you inspire so many with your deep faith in God and gentle spirit, reading your writing is like a continued prayer. perhaps when you post on one of your “not so good days,” that is when the body of Christ can come in and hold your arms up for you.
just a thought.
the reason so many people around the world are reading your story everyday is to check in and see how you are REALLY doing—although it is your personal story, the part that keeps everyone coming back is the honesty in which you share your highs and lows. those who might judge have no place here peeking into your life. great advice from “boomama” for all mothers, not just mothers with cancer–your children (because I AM a child who lost her mom to cancer) will desperatly desire your story, any words help them to know you, themselves and our Father more. W R I T E YOUR STORY (the good AND the bad) –if only for your children!! love and prayers always!
Hello Heather,
I was given your site by a freind. She thought that maybe what you had written is what I have experienced. You see I am a cancer survivor too.
I spent more time than I care to admit gripped by fear. Please know it is VERY normal, even if you are a Christian and well meaning believers tell you we are not to have a spirit of fear. We are not perfect people, Jesus knows that and loves us just as we are.
My advice, even though you haven’t asked for it, is to keep expressing yourself. Here, in a journal, to a trusted friend, to Jesus…whatever works for you. Take each moment one at a time, sometimes that’s all we can bear, one moment passes, then another moment and someday you’ll realize it’s minutes, then hours and days etc. Please, please, please hang in there, as the song says “Hold Fast, Help is on the Way, Hold Fast, He’s come to Save the Day” WOW, writing a book, it’s a BIG thing, be calm and you’ll know when, and if, it is the right time.
I ask God to bless you abundantly during this time in your life, AMEN.
Please know others have gone before you in the cancer struggle and survived the struggle.
Feel free to contact me if you need someone to chat with.
His Peace,
Rita
rcyouth@yahoo.com