I am doing normal things, but I don’t feel normal. I feel like life is going on around me and I am stuck back in April when, honestly, my world fell apart. I fail to have words to describe the place where I am, spiritually or emotionally. It isn’t so much a lack of anything in particular, it is more that I am stuck. I am stuck wondering what the Lord is asking of me, I am stuck trying to move on, I am just stuck. I go through the motions of homeschooling, laundry, being a wife and mother, you know, normal things, but inside I am dying for answers to questions that I have asked so many times. And yet, what makes me think the answers are any different now… or lack of answers, that is, than they were last time I asked them? It’s a vicious circle that I put myself through.
Many of you have suggested writing a book (including my dad and husband). I don’t know the first thing about writing a book (editors, publishers, etc.) yet I feel the Lord leading me in that direction. Honestly the whole idea stresses me out, and so I haven’t done the research out of fear (and honestly, exhaustion). Fear seems to be the running tag line in my life lately. Fear of the unknown, fear of being out of control, and quite honestly, fear of facing my mortality. Cancer makes you face your mortality like no other thing. It isn’t something that you face and are done with, it is a continual process that has the habit of sneaking up on you when you least expect it.
Honestly, and this is something that I struggle with telling you all, but I feel so much pressure to be positive on this blog. Its not that I am not positive in my circumstances but sometimes I have bad days, and I just want to write about them without the fear of who I am going to offend or who I my words are going to affect. I know that no one expects me to be upbeat and positive all the time, it is pressure that I put on myself, but I need you to know that. When I don’t blog, it is usually because I am having a rough time. Not all the time, but most of the time. This last week was a really rough time for me for no particular reason. I just felt really sad, and my pride kept me from sharing that here.
So, life is going on. Normal things are going on around me. You would think I would be basking in the normalcy of everyday life, but it doesn’t feel like it use to, and that is a feeling that I cant put into words. Normal is not so normal since cancer entered my life.
And I am struggling with that reality.
FEAR- Casting Crowns
But the stone was just the right size
to take the giant down
And the waves don’t seem so high
when I’m standing on top of them looking down
And I’d soar with the wings of eagles
if I could just ignore the sound
Of the waves and the giants,
the waves and the giants in my mind
Lord, you’ve not given me a spirit of fear
But of power and of love,
and of a sound mind
So from now on,
I won’t let the tempter’s lies
turn my eyes away from the prize
That you have set before me.
That you have set before me.
I know just where you are. (Minus the cancer.) And, more importantly, God knows right where you are. And He is right where you are.
I closed my blog last year for the same reasons you are wrestling with…not necessarily wanting to share with the world all the struggle I was going through…not wanting to spread my doubt and lack of faith at the time. I switched to a paper journal and … wow! I couldn’t believe the stuff that was coming out and that I was dealing with. You might want to try it!
As for the book. If God is leading you, He will open doors and guide you. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone who reads you here has a publishing contact or knows someone who does. It usually turns out to be quite a small world.
You don’t have to have all the answers today, dear one. Or even tomorrow. God has them all. He will give them to you when you need them. Really, He will.
Prayers and hugs…
What I hear you saying is that you are walking in the dark…and having a hard time putting words to it. That’s ok. Here is what I do in the dark…I say, “Lord, I know you’re here and I know that I can’t see the steps ahead, but this day, Lord. I need enough for this day.”
You are precious, Heather…good days or not.
With love and prayers for you in Jesus,
holly
Girlfriend you just share it! Even when it’s not all sunshine & roses, I love that you are willing to be trnsparent and open! There might be someone that particuliar day that needs to see that in you!
When we were going through our struggle with a prodigal child and all of the fear that that brought up in me, I had a very good friend who was always there for me. Many were the times that I called her up, sobbing so hard I was hypeventilating. She was gracious and sat through my “verbal vomit” as I like to call it. She knew I neede to vent and get it out or else it would make me sick. We are after all, human and sometimes we need Jesus with skin on!
In His Grip,
Connie Hopkins
I am so glad you mentioned that you don’t blog when you’re feeling negative becuase you’re wondering what we’ll all think…..I posted on you last entry how much I “appreciate how positive you are in the face of negative situations” in NO WAY did I mean you always had to be positive….but you just ARE. Even when you’re down and feeling negative and terrible, etc…etc… you are still a positive person. I know that contradicts itself, but I guess what I’m saying is you are constantly striving for good…not giving up…..not giving in totally to negative feelings when they wash over you….you are striving to be the person God wants you to be. And to me THAT is a POSITIVE person. Having bad days (or weeks!) makes you human…and with the amount of people who support you here. You should DEFINITELY feel like you can blog when you’re down, the love and support is here to carry you when you feel like you can’t go on, until you feel like you can do it again. After all, what are friends for? (even if most of us have only “met” you online
)
As for the book and facing your own morality….I say…START WRITING! God will work out the details…publisher, etc… with your gift of writing, I’d say it’s very clear you would touch hundreds of thousands of people with your book.
As for mortality…I can not relate to what it’s like to be going through cancer, etc….not in the least…. so I don’t want you to think I’m trying to relate…but I just wanted to say that NO ONE knows how long we have here. I think of that often around this time of year with Sept. 11 tomorrow…..how many people left for work that day not realizing it was their last? YOU are a survivor…cancer has not and will not beat you. While we’re all here…let’s live it to the fullest and do all the things we’re meant to do….
You are so awesome.
Jess in Nebraska
Here is some advice I was given by a dear friend who has MS. “Just breathe and be”, Heather. Let go for a while, and just breathe and be. Let the questions go. You do not have to be upbeat. You owe us nothing. We are just here to support you, not to take from you. You do what is right for you.
Heather,
. In the meantime, do what you need to take care of yourself and your family. Keep leaning on God to take you through this journey. And if you ever just want someone to vent to, feel free to e-mail me. Praying for you, hon.
I have never dealt with cancer so to say that I know what you’re going through can’t be true. We all have things that we struggle with in life. Some are life threatening, some aren’t, but they all can make us question God. All I know is that God knows where you’re at right now. He has his arms wrapped around you and loves you no matter what kind of a mood you are in. Never doubt that. This life is hard. There are many times that things just suck. You need the freedom to feel everything you feel without criticism. As for the book, it’s not a bad idea but if the thought of it overwhelms you then don’t worry about doing much with it right now. Keep writing your thoughts down and if you want to compile them into a book later on, you’ll have the resources
Sweet Heather-
I know it’s tough for you to share when you are down. It’s a pressure you feel to stay positive. But..truth it….life isn’t always positive and upbeat. I hope in the future that you share your down days so we know how to pray for you. I pray for you all the time. I guessed you were having a hard time because there were no blog entries. I hear your struggle. I have the same struggle when people ask me how I am (I also have cancer). I feel a strong urge to tell them I am fine when I am really not.
I do hope you continue. I will support you whatever decision you make.
Praying!
Shari
Heather, it’s your honesty that ministers so deeply. What you’re sharing is authentic and genuine – that’s why it has the power to impact so many. It’s not contrived or full of well worn cliches. It’s the real stuff life is made of…tears, fears, hopes, dreams, disappointments, depression. The stuff that’s all so very real and so very important in our journey towards our final home. Courage isn’t borne by living in denial but in the midst of struggle and heartache.
When my son was diagnosed with cancer my world turned upside down. And it has never right-sided itself. I can’t explain it to my closest of friends because unless you’ve been there it makes no sense. “Normal” returns all around you but it’s never “normal” again inside you. Once having faced how fragile and fleeting life is, well, one’s world never returns to the programming underway just before the interruption.
Two years ago I buried my sister, age 49. Cancer stole her from me in 13 months. And again, my son, my sister…the impact to this day can’t be articulated. And when I faced my own cancer…well, let’s just say that I hear you.
And the last thing you need is to feel pressure from a blog. Oh my I would miss you here. But I would still pray. My hope is that you’ll continue to find this is a place where you can be you…a human being, loved perfectly by the Father but without the need to be perfect. He knows our frame and our failings, it comes as no surprised to Him that your heart would long for answers. The only difference between us and those who do not know the Lord is that we have HOPE and an eternal home. But that doesn’t erase all the other things we must endure and conquer in this life.
Sometimes I feel like I’m an observer of my own life. Everything and everyone has moved on. No one even asks anymore. Some don’t even remember what “happened” but I know that He sees, He knows, and it all matters to Him. The tears I shed in the shower are liquid words that need to be spoken…
Whether you feel you can write a book about this journey or not only you know. But what you can take from this community is that your story has touched our lives deeply and many of us have been changed… It’s not your job to inspire or encourage or be strong… Just love Him and trust Him, in the dark times and the those moments when life is shining brightly. If that leads you here, I will be here reading and praying and caring.
You are loved, deeply.
Oh Heather. NO ONE expects you to be positive all the time. I spent a week of my life thinking I had carcinoid last winter. There was no normalcy that week. None. I expect I had just a glimpse of how you might feel every day since April. I hope no one would be judgmental if you share your dark times as well as the brighter times, but I can understand the desire to keep it positive. ((((Hugs))))
Heather, you asked in your previous post re: continuing to blog or not. Not to sound overly Dr. Phil-ish, but if there is a personal, spiritual, or mental pay off for you, I think you should continue. However, if you are doing it for others, my 2 cents is to STOP. You are handling so much right now, and it’s not only okay, but I think, wise to conserve your resources. Yes, I would be sad not to see your updates, but, Heather, it’s okay to take time off to heal. To just be… There endeth that opinion. Whatever you do will be the right choice.
Now, in terms of the normalcy thing, I think, again, you are focused on us, and that’s sweet, but not necessary. Don’t worry about offending us, Dear Heather! First, I don’t think you could offend us, and–this time is about what you’re going through. You can’t be responsible for the rest of us. If your blog speaks to someone or blesses someone (as it does, obviously), great, but you owe us nothing.
Now…that said, I hope I didn’t offend you.
I wish and pray for nothing but healing and health to you and your precious family. xxxooogretchen
And another thing…I’d think you were “insaneinthemembrane” if you DIDN’T have an off day here and there. You are amazing.
Heather,
When I have a bad day (rather, when my son has had a bad day), and I want to blog honestly, I end up deleting it all. I know that people can handle the negativity that I want to dole out, but I can’t feel comfortable sharing those feelings with everybody in the blogosphere.
Plus, it’s hard to take all the negative, see it from God’s side, and turn your words to His honor and glory. I really just want to pitch a hissy fit instead. Either God won’t let me or I just can’t handle being that transparent.
So, start another journal, another blog, something private where you can just let it all fly. Keep this one for those times that you want to update us or share something that needs prayer.
Heather, just do what you want to do – BUT balance that with what God wants you do.
As to your last post, my question to you would be this — Have you re-discovered HOPE yet?
It’s painful, but it’s necessary. Christ IS hope. To deny hope is to deny Him. I know. I understand. It’s too scary to hope that things might be almost normal one day. ‘Cause what if the bottom of our world falls out from under us again? EVEN IF IT DOES – IT WILL BE OK! We are in His hand. He will work it all TO OUR GOOD.
It’s ok, too, if you can’t bear to believe that yet. Christ is so gentle and He will woo you back to Himself, back to HOPE again. Don’t get impatient with His work in you.
To blog or not to blog – either way, you are loved, prayer for and cared about.
Trying to find my way to hope again too,
Alesha
Heather,
It’s okay to feel the way you do. It’s okay that things are not normal in the sense that normal to you was before you were diagnosed with cancer. Actually, who really knows what normal is for anyone with or without cancer. We all feel “normal” in our own way. As for writing a book, that sounds good, but for now, please stop stressing yourself out over what others think, feel, or think you should do. They aren’t in your shoes, believe me, “been there and done that” and it’s just not worth it. Stress is certainly not good for you at this time. Your health is what is important at this time in your life. Getting through your treatment, and healing is important, not just for you but for your family. It’s even okay to have bad days with your family. They need to understand that this is not the “normal” you, give you some space and learn to do things for you just as you do things for them. As for your blog, it’s even okay for you to have bad days there. People need to realize that you can’t always be positive, upbeat and have a smile on your face. I tried doing that when I was recovering and realized that really wasn’t me and it wasn’t necessary to be that way every day. I know it’s not easy, especially when you have a family and young children who may not fully understand what Mommy is going through right now. Give it all to the Lord and he will guide you and comfort you through good, bad, indifferent, and the worst days. That is what He does best and wants to do for you.
And for those ready my reply, I’m not trying to be mean or anything, but unless you’ve been there, it’s really hard to understand what she is going through.
Hugs and prayers,
Norma
Heather, I began reading your blog before your diagnosis. I believe I found it thru baby Ashley Adams’ blog. And, I have may have commented a couple of times, I’m not sure. I don’t feel my words are as adequate or come across as well as yours…….but anyways….it has become my nightly ritual before going to bed to check in on you and the others that I have come to feel “close” to. I know, I know…..strange, but that’s how I feel, and no, I’m not a stalker.
I am a stay at home mom to a blended family of 5 children, ranging from 3 1/2 to 15 1/2. Four boys and one girl. With exception to the monster you are fighting, I can relate to feeling like you just do normal stuff and feel stuck. BUT, at night, when all is finally quiet in my house, I sign online to read “grown up” conversation, thoughts, and your walk with Christ. I do not have the walk that you do and your words are always so inspiring to me. You should NEVER worry about your words offending anyone or how they affect anyone. You are the one walking in your shoes; noone else. This is your walk. Those of us who care about you are just walking behind you….for you to lean back on however you feel you need to…..to cry to, to yell at, or just be silent if you need to. I admit, when you don’t blog, I am concerned; but this is the place for your words. If they don’t come to you, they don’t come and there should be noone here that should sit in any kind of judgment if you are quiet. Ok…..I have rambled far more than I should, or actually, thought I even could. Just know that even if things are rough, use this blog to vent if you need to. Like I said, it’s your walk…….
There is nothing wrong with being normal. It is normal for people to grieve and question things. It is normal to feel fear and worry- though as Christians we have better reasons NOT to fear and not to worry.
I know what it is like to try to be Miss Superchristian. When I faced my cancer and then faced my husband’s adultry 7 months later- in my mind I thought i had to handle it all ‘perfectly’ to make a good impression for Jesus. So people could see how a good christian is supposed to react to trials and tragedy. Well, that didn’t last too long. I fell apart trying to look so good on the outside- i didn’t realize I was falling apart on the inside. You are better off being honest with yourself and with others and rest in the Lord, knowing He loves you as you are. He knows what you are going through and He has walked in your shoes (as far as suffering goes).
Don’t get me wrong, it is good to ‘preach’ to ourselves about the positive and the blessings when we are down- but we can’t be something we’re not. Time has a way of teaching many lessons and the Lord is using this time to teach you things about yourself that you didn’t even know were there. It’s ok to be patient with yourself, to be compassionate with yourself. God is in control.
You have blessed me tremendously with your blog! I am praying for you to experience His peace, His comfort and His nearness.
Hey babe.
I know it’s hard to say “It sucks.”. I really, really know. I write alot of “that stuff” then don’t publish it, because who wants to hear it. You know?
But, someone told me something recently and it hit me between the eyes. We are called by God to support each other. To be honest and real. To say “it sucks” and mean it.
It allows three things to happen.
“i” get it out- and God can take it.
“You” get to pray for me. God uses you to heal.
“God” gets to step in. Because someone asked him to.
Remember- God is not a “run in and take it all away God” sometimes. He’s a “waiting patiently until we ask him to reveal himself ” God.
I don’t know if this makes sense. Frankly, I’m medicated and abit blurry. So, words aren’t coming well.
I think I’m trying to say – I love you. You know that. I want what is best for you. And for me. And sometimes, we have to be able to just throw out there “I’m not in a good place, I still love God and all, but I need room to be human, and be loved and be scared and mad and all the stuff that comes with this. And I want to be free to share that with you. Cause, you may be right here with me and need to know it’s ok. Or someday you may be here and can remember back to this. Or something. Cause God put me here, in this place, this time, with this vehicle to reach out and touch. And be touched.”
I’ve blithered on enough for now sweetie. Call me. Maybe it will come out better
I think you’ve always written with honesty about your feelings and what was going on. That’s what makes it great to read what you write — good, bad, ugly — or what you think is ugly anyway. You do not have to be positive. You do not always have to be strong. You don’t always need to write, but if you stop — just be sure it’s for Godly reasons and not human reasons. And for goodness sake, don’t worry about offending anyone. I’m getting really tired of people being “politically correct” or worried about someone else’s feelings. Some people just need to be offended — and if you’re writing from your heart and what God would have you write, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. People don’t have to read your blog. The world’s not going to come crashing down if you offend someone out here in cyberspace. You’ve beat cancer. Don’t worry about what we think!
Heather,
I have a cross on every wall of my classroom. Where ever I look. There it is. Where ever my students look. There it is. Harsh reality. Hopeful redemption. That day before crucifixion, and the days before it were not “positive” days for Jesus Christ. Our Lord couldn’t even be positive in midst of the pains of life.
And to be positive in the face of cancer as his faithful follower is not a requirement either. When you are hopeless, let those who love you hope for you. When you are fearful, let those around you full of promise carry you through it.
What makes this blog a beautiful testimony of the Love of God, is that you are honest about this harsh reality and this hopeful redemption.
You are doing very well indeed.
peace
Diane W
Heather,
This is your blog and you should feel free to write about whatever it is the Lord is prompting you to write about. You should be free to write about your feelings, good, bad or otherwise. It is not our place to judge your feelings. Judging is only to be done by the Lord of Lords. Peace be with you and your family.
not being in your position, i find it “odd” that i completely know what you mean about normal not being normal to you anymore. we don’t come here for you tell us how great having cancer is…we come here to offer our love, support, and prayers to you. we all know now that on those quiet days we need to pray for your peace.
your blog…you get to share what you want to share…but don’t ever feel obligated to be cheery for your audience…we love heather…especially plain old not always perky heather.
taking from your prayer from Amy…God, You promise to never leave nor forsake us, make that known to Heather right now. Amen
I don’t think anyone who has any idea what you’re going through would/could criticize you for admitting your true thoughts, no matter how dark they might be at times. If anyone has a right to feel a little negative or dark, it’s you. Please don’t be afraid to admit when you’re having a tough time. People will understand…
Father, please continue to hold Heather in the palm of Your Hand. She is a special daugther of Yours, and she needs to (as do we all) be lifted up by Your sweet Spirit. Please help her to be able to continue to put one foot in front of the other as she walks the path that You have placed before her . . . help me and help all those who love and pray for Heather be compassionate and understanding, even on those days when she feels like she may not deserve compassion or understanding.
Father, bless Heather that she might feel the love that we who read her blog feel for her, but more importantly, that she might continue to feel Your perfect love for her.
In Jesus’ Name, amen.
Personally, Heather- I would be railing… railing against everything… God, life, why me?, the whole shebang! That doesn’t mean you are any less a person or a believer because you do those things. It’s a must for you to be able to express your feelings fully and honestly- if you feel you can’t do it on the blog, then find someway else to do it. But you have to do it… and no one would think you any the worse for doing. God knows, he understands… you need not fear that.
xo
I know exactly what you mean. I couldn’t have said it better. I sometimes get surprised that the world is still spinning. People are still living normal lives and I feel like they’re moving and I’m standing still. Just like an over-used movie gimmick.
I feel a responsibility to my family and friends to stay upbeat and positive. I’m supposed to be strong and fight but I feel so exhausted and overwhelmed. It’s been weeks now. Why do I still feel like I’m in shock, not knowing what to do next?
I wish I knew what to say to you to help. Cancer defies explanation. It brings me to my knees everyday.
(((Heather))) Say what you want, feel what you want. Its ok. Maybe a journal just for you if you dont feel like you can put it out there for everyone. I think of you and pray for you often. You help keep what little faith I have left alive…I sincerely mean that, I feel closer to God for having “met” y ou.
Dear Heather,
I know this (very long…sorry) comment is one of a sea of prayers and thoughts for you, but I know too that every word is precious, when spoken in love…. You have been a blessing in so many ways. I even finally got my own blog and you are the first (and so far only) blog on my blogroll! And I was wanting to share it with you, in the hopes that you might find the time to look it over and leave my very first comment. But now I realize that you have enough to do just taking care of you..and all you have in your family. I do want to say that I think that you are possibly experienceing depression…something I am very familiar with. Something that makes me cling with every ounce of strength I have to my Savior (and also to my best friend). And makes me feel disconnected and distant from the things and the people I know in my heart that I love (even if I cant “feel” that). Thats what it does. There are so many who check in on you and through you on others as well. I know when I come to a point where I cannot journal any more…I will at least record a line or two of scripture that seems to stand out from my reading for the day. And if I can’t even read that day…maybe some scripture that I can recall from memory. At least I am leaving “footprints” in my journal, even if I can’t leave thoughts. Maybe those days you just can’t write, you could leave us a verse or two, and that way we will still all be connected to you and to each other. I am going to pray against the desert you find yourself in. Not that you are removed from it…but that you find Gods footprints there to lead you THROUGH IT to the other side.
The Psalm I read most often is Psalm 77. And one of my favorite verses is verse 19…”Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.” Even when we cannot “see” God or “feel” Him…He is there, going before us, leading us and making the way for us.
Thank-you for all you have shared on this blog. And if you close it down for a while or for good…the field of seeds you have sown will be blessed and will produce fruit for the Kingdom. What more could anyone want to do for the One who gave us everything?
Love and hugs and prayers to (Especially) you and your family.
my blog is http://www.mydwellingplace.wordpress.com if you find the time someday to check it out…..I will be so thankful for that too!
I think you should absolutely do something that is *just* for you, whether that’s starting a book, starting a private blog, or writing everything down on paper. I totally get the hesitation to lay every emotion on the table when you know thousands of people are reading – but I also believe deep down in my soul that one of the most valuable things we can do for our kids is to allow them to have a written record of how we handled our doubts and our questions.
Just my two cents, sister.
Heather,
I know exactly what you are feeling. I know the questions that go through your mind and I know how life does not “feel” normal now and you wonder if it ever will.
I also know how many times I felt like a complete failure as far as my faith was concerned and as far as modeling it in front of my children during my experience with cancer. I know others told me how well they thought I was doing and I wondered how they could say that when I creid every day ( at least some point throughtout the day) for six months!
I have also found out that it is alright to grieve, question, and feel out of control (for we truly are!) Be yourself, no matter what emotions you are experiencing. We will all understand and God will meet you where you are! It is in the darkest times of our lives that we see His light the brightest.
You are still in the thick of it and the wound is still fresh. When you are on the other side, you can reflect and see all of the lessons God has taught you and see how He was there all along. You are blessing so many…especially when you share honestly and especially when we are allowed to pray for your needs…whether physical, emotional or spiritual.
May I suggest a book that was of great comfort to me? It is called “Praying Through Cancer” and was compiled by Susan Sorensen and Laura Geist. It is a devotional written for women by women who have had cancer. Next to my Bible, it was the book I read the most.
Love,
Gina
Heather,
Thank you so much for having coffee with me in my garden this morning and answering my question about the things that are beneath, the depths that you hesitate to share for fear of offending others. This journey is not about others and how they watch you build muscles of faith as you can barely physically make it through the day. Chemo is a very mind altering drug (poison) if you really want to get down to it. And it runs through every vein of your body right now, seeking to destroy the bad cells, but effecting all of them in the process. It is what we do to survive cancer. It does not allow us to feel normal in the sense that fear, mortality and doubt are what we experience if we are honest with ourselves and others. To admit that they are there does not mean we don’t trust God and are going to give in to it and sink. I kept these feelings inside for my year of treatment because I did not want to let the people in my life see me be human. I was very alone because of it. It sucks all the way around, it truly does. I agree with the way Kellie said it above in her “medicated state” but so very true. We need to allow ourselves to let it all out and be human with all that comes with it. It is cleansing and lets others know that it is not easier for us because we have the Lord with us and others don’t. We won’t lose our salvation because we drop our halos and be human. I for one, thank you from the center of my heart for letting yourself be human and express your doubts and fears and your boundaries here where you should feel safe. We are all a work in progress and I am honored to walk beside you in this season you are going through. Stay true to yourself and honest here. If some get offended, then they might want to pray about it for themselves. God loves you unconditionally and has his eyes on you girl. One more thing, I still haven’t heard you mention nausea and sickness. Have you found the right combination for balance? I sure hope so. I pray for your tomorrow to be clearer and more peaceful for you, knowing how much you are loved for who you are, Especially Heather. Laurel
I am blessed by your honesty. I guess I could understand you being a little nervous about sharing your ‘down’ time, but I know I would be ok with it. It is normal in life to have down and hard times, how much more so than with cancer, I would guess. That has been the one thing that I have loved with your blog, your honesty, even when you’ve had a hard time. I’m always blessed by it.
The book idea sounds so interesting. I pray you know the Lord’s will and guidance for you on it. I’m sure there are other bloggers who are writers that could help you out. I can’t wait to hear what direction you choose to go.
JoAnn
I’m de-lurking to say that I really find so much in your blog that I can relate to, in ways that only people who have had significant health issues know. I know that feeling of not really knowing where to go with the difficult feelings. I have two challenging chronic illnesses which left me disabled for several years in my early adulthood, and after some period of time, I realized I had painted myself into a corner by allowing everyone to praise me for “coping so well.” I didn’t know where to go with the less pretty feelings, and if I mentioned them to people, they seemed to want to pull me back to the “good” coping and not sit with me in the bad day (which is what I needed). So, I know how that goes and the reluctance to share the bad days. I still don’t broadcast the hardest emotions very often, but I have found a couple of people to share with who understand and “get it” in some ways.
I’m not sure that helps much, but just know that others know the hard days and also know the reluctance to share them with everyone.
*Hugs* to you. Hang in there.
If you are positive all the time, we won’t believe you’re “normal”.
Please blog all your feelings and know that we out here who pray for you will understand because we, too, have down moments, days, months and sometimes years! We may not all have cancer, but we all have something. With prayers
I have been visiting your blog for a long time and am inspired by your writings. What you have been going through since you first learned of your cancer is something that I can not even begin to imagine having to go through.
You talk about not posting when you are not feeling positive, but isn’t that the very time when you need to post?
â€Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.†Galatians 6:2
I know, at least for me, when I regularly visit other blogs and the writer is always positive it seems that either the writer feels he/she can not let anyone “in” or that I am completely abnormal! I have “down” days – I can admit it. Last week was a real struggle for me. When I visit and see how others handle adversity I am inspired and it puts my life into perspective. I am blessed and I know that I’m blessed – but I still have bad days!
How are we to “carry each other’s burdens” if we don’t know there are burdens to carry?
In His Love and Blessings,
annb
I can understand your feelings about not wanting to post when you are having a rough time. If you don’t want to post it you should write it out in a journal or type it to a word document. Getting your thoughts & feelings out whether or not someone reads may help you get through that rough day and you can look back at the rough days God has led you through when another one comes.
If you are feeling led to write a book I would start writing. The editors and publishers can come later.
YOur writing is so honest and sincere. I, too, understand your reluctance to tell us when you’re down. But feel free to do it if you need to and want to. I work with a professor who always says, “Normal is just a setting on the dryer.” I know that’s frivolous and nonsensical, but it is also true. Normal doesn’t really exist. Normal for our family has been crazy for 15 years – I want to run away and hide. Not cancer, but drugs, anorexia, illnesses of every sort – not necessarily life threatening, but niggling us to death, it feels. So do what feels right. And seriously – think about just publishing what you have written already. It is so well done.
It is your story, the good and the bad, and you should write what you feel. Truth is not offensive to me. It is enlightening, inspirational…just like you.
Prayers and hugs.
Hi. Just wanted to say that I had the same problem with my blog. I’d been so positive all along that I found it hard to really grump about things when I needed to. So I started another blog called something like ‘Time to Gripe’ where I went to rant about some of the things that were really bothering me. I didn’t care if anyone read it but me. It felt great to write it though and put it out there into the universe.
You’re here for us, uplifting us with your spirit. So, we can also be here for you when you don’t have so much optimism, when you’re down. That’s what friends are for. This is your blog and you can just be “you” — no matter how you feel on any given day.
xoxo karen
I would just hate it if you decided to not let me be apart of your life…your presence in my life has been a great blessing…we are all okay with your dark days, that’s why we’re here, so we can walk with you through it all.
My love to you,
Linda
Thank you so much. I totally understand what you’re saying because I have felt it as well (not on my blog, but just in my life in general).
You don’t have to be positive. Just be yourself. We love you no matter what. Just say what’s on your mind.
Sometimes you can find your greatest moment of faith in that “dark night of the soul” anyway. God bless. +
Heather -
I’ve never met you, but I’ve been watching your blog for a few weeks now and I’ve been praying for you. I’m where you are today…struggling. I have a website that has gone without updates because I’m struggling with sharing my own reality with everyone. It’s hard to say that cancer is my “normal” now too and the “normal” for my husband and kids. Now that treatments are over, they ask if my cancer’s gone. I can’t give them that promise and it’s so very hard to not have an answer to my kids’ question when it’s so important.
I’m a homeschooling mom too. I just finished chemo and radiation and struggle with the vanity everyday of the effects of my cancer. My kids are 2, 5 and 6.
You are not alone Heather. There are good days, bad days, great days and really rotten ones. One of the many verses I have strung up in my kitchen is Isaiah 43:23. God is with us in the midst of all of this.
Keep on writing! I’ll be praying for you…
passing-thru said…
I think Heather has been a blessing — I can’t imagine what she or others have gone thru, the seriousness and intesity of life and possible separation from loved ones (notice I didn’t use the word death) – I won’t leave a comment to Heather, I’ve told her in the past she has been a blessing, I want what God wants for her — I will see her and all of us pals in HIS KINGDOM — I want her healed and happy and I know GOD loves her enough to do the very best for and to her.
September 10, 2007 7:05 PM
passing-thru said…
Again — HEATHER HAS BEEN A BLESSING — SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL AND TALENTED CHRISTIAN WOMAN — I believe God has and will use her for HIS GLORY AND WORK now and in the tomorrows –
nice of U , Terry to post this — always thoughtful — your a blessing to the Church of Jesus Christ
September 10, 2007 7:08 PM
Vicki said…
I’ve visited this sweet young lady and Passing-thru’s right, she’s SUCH a blessing in the body of Christ…may the Lord Jesus encourage her heart and uphold her with His righteous right hand.
September 10, 2007 8:27 PM
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I don’t think there is much to say that wasn’t already said above, but I just want to echo what everyone else is saying… you are precious, Heather dear, and nobody is thinking anything less than that if you are transparent about the reality of this time in your life. But at the same time, I know for many of us, we don’t have expectations about what you do or don’t share… there are some things that are just far too personal to try to write out for so many strangers to read. What you choose to share or not to share is completely and totally up to you, and whether you write your thoughts and feelings here or in a book to be read down the road or in a personal journal… I, for one, completely respect that choice only you can make. Holding your heart in prayer this week…
((Heather)) I struggled yesterday to find the words as to what your blog means to me, because I didn’t want it to sound like “you have to keep encouraging us” and I am so glad I waited until today’s post. Sweet thing, I loved your blog before you were sick because you were joyful in life and shared so many of my values. I’ve loved your blog since you were sick because you are honest. And because it gives me insight how to really pray for you and your family–not just pray generically. So, please don’t feel pressure to be positive all the time. Just say what you need to say and what you need us to pray. And when you need to be silent, do it. Your readers will understand–we will miss you but we will still be praying.
Father, I pray that you will help Heather not feel so “stuck”. Father I pray that you will illuminate answers. Give her the strength to do the daily things. But beyond that bolster her spirits when she is struggling to go the next step. If a book is the future, show that to her without stress of searching it out right now. If a private journal versus a blog is the answer, give her the peace to do that. God uphold her today and in the weeks to come. She loves you and I know that you love her more than any of us can…may she feel your love in all the things in her life. Amen.
I loved your invitation to coffee… and I was still thinking about what I wanted to say when I skipped over to check on Amy. I have followed her journey since the beginning of her blog and found it very sad today. So now I come back to you… and find that you have blogged again! I decided to comment on this one… Heather… when you look back over all the times you have connected deeply, one-on-one, with another person, you will possibly find that it was during a shared suffering. Shared joy is marvellous and uplifting, but shared suffering has a greater depth and more possibility of being intensely life-changing. Your readers are here to stand by you in your suffering and the meaning of that can only be real when you are real! It is hard to share and connect when things are glossed over. Jesus weeps with those who weep, mourns with those who mourn and laughs with those that laugh!! I want to be like Him… so whether you are weeping, screaming, laughing or just flat, share it and I will weep or laugh with you. It will be community, God will truly be present, and we will all be changed.
love,
gracie
Why do I personally want you to continue your blog? Well, it has been a help and inspiration to me in many ways. In the early days of your cancer, I was facing a cancer scare myself as I was pretty sure that the stomach troubles I was experiencing meant that the uterine cancer I suffered in 2002 had come back. Fortunately, my fears proved groundless – but reading your blog really helped me get through that difficult period.
Coming back to the present day, I really do understand what you say about the pressure you feel to sound positive on this blog. People have heaped so much praise on you here about how positive you have been. On the days when you feel so fed up you just want to scream at God for doing this to you, it must be hard to come on here and feel that you have to keep up the positivity!
I don’t expect you to be positive all the time (and would even understand if you stopped being positive at all for a while!) However, if you feel you want to stop blogging for a while, then that’s okay too. What I really don’t want is for you to close down this blog altogether and disappear so that I never get to find out how you are doing!
Although I am just one little commentator amongst the amazing numbers who have visited your blog, I have somehow come to feel almost personally involved in your struggle. I feel sad when things go wrong for you and happy when you have good news. I really would like to continue to hear just occasionally what is happening to you, so please don’t just disappear from here altogether!
I will be honest as well Heather. When I saw you hadn’t written for a few days, I kept expecting to see a message from Mark…much as the one I read this morning from Amy’s husband. I am afraid for you as well. I don’t want to upset you or any of your readers…its just that cancer is horrid. And there are things to fear. And God promises to go THROUGH it with us…but it never will be “normal” again. Your life will be forever changed..that is the reality of the disease. I pray for you and your family everyday. I do not understand God and why He chooses to take some “home” and “when”. I just know it hurts. I have no answers…I just have Jesus. I love you, In His Grip Always, Lynnebee
Please dont hesitate on sharing the negative. It is a real feeling, whether we admit it or not. I think it helps to, b/c it shows that everything isnt all roses, and that we can overcome the negativity in our lives, and it may take longer than a day. I appreciate all your words that you have shared, i have learned a lot from you. Thank you for sharing your heart, and words of encouragement, and everything in between.
And if you do ever write a book, I would definitely buy it.
I hope you feel like you can be honest. You seem more real, more relatable. And wow, God has been showing me so much this year about my own fear. It’s a horrible enemy, isn’t it? I pray you can be free from it.
Heather,
Have you thought about why you blog in the first place? Is it for you or for us? Is it forcing you to pretend to be upbeat and optimistic, or is it helping you see the reasons why you could chose to do so? While I am challenged and touched by what you write, it has to be between you and God.
Please don’t put on a front for anyone. It takes too much energy. If you chose not to share your negative thoughts and feelings, that’s ok…it’s your blog! I think that you will find, though, if you are able to do so you will be better supported by your prayer warriors since they know more specifically what you are struggling with.
I’ve never met you, but I’ve been incredibly blessed by your blog because you have found a way to communicate your hopes and your doubts in a forum that enables others to be more confident in doing the same. I think we realize that when you don’t blog you are struggling with something. I find that I pray even harder for you on those days when I don’t see an update. Your blog is the first thing I check in the morning and it helps me to know more specifically how to pray. Your optimism isn’t what I come for…it’s the questions, the honesty, the underlying trust you seek and display even in the darkness of confusion.
You have a gifted way of thinking ‘out loud’ in your writing. I imagine that your book is halfway finished if you print out your blogs since April!
I pray that God will surprise you with something special today that only he could give!