“Finding Faith”

September 11, 2007

I wrote this November 13th, 2006 for NanoWriMo. It amazes me how much God was preparing me for this time in my life. It is a novel about a cancer patient and his family, of all things. I wanted to write about something that I had no experience with, so I chose cancer. Funny, given my current circumstances. I never finished it, but wanted to share it with you anyways, and I wanted to remind myself of my passion for writing, even before cancer entered my life.

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There are always moments in time that transform us. Small snippets of ordinary events. They reach down into our lives and rearrange our future in small, yet very prevailing ways. Most times we miss those moments until they have already been etched into our journey. Other times, they stare us straight in the face as if they are begging us to invite them in.

Faith

Holding her husbands hand, Faith was reminded that soon these moments would be memories. She looked at him, laying in their bed and wondered how she had found her way to this point in her life. 29 years old and almost a widow. It seemed virtually impossible and was a thought that she had tried to push out of her mind for the past 6 months. 3 weeks ago, it came rushing at her with a force she was not prepared for.

Chase had been her high school sweetheart. There weren’t many memories in her life that he wasn’t part of. He was her anchor, her safeguard. She felt safe with him, which was a something she had never felt before him. When they found out about his cancer, he put his arm around her and reassured her it was just a “bump in the road”. That bump was in the process of stealing her best friend, and now all she could do was watch.

The door quietly opened as Isabelle quietly came in. “Mama, when is daddy going to wake up? I want to show him my new drawing”. She was holding a picture of a house and a flower drawn with the expertise of a 6 year old.

“Not right now baby, daddy is really tired, but we can find a spot to hang it so that when he wakes up he can see what a beautiful picture you drew for him.”

The walls of the bedroom were lined with pictures she had drawn. Pictures of horses and kittens and houses. Houses seemed to be her favorite this week.

“Lets hang it here mommy!” Issie exclaimed, pointing to one of the very few spots on the wall. Faith kept moving the pictures closer and close together to make room, but soon the walls would be completely covered.

“That’s a perfect place, Issie. Daddy will love it.” Faith held back the tears, and grabbed the tape from the bedside drawer. Issie pulled the chair to the wall and held her picture in the open space just above the dresser.

“There, now when he wakes up, it will be the first one he sees!”
“I miss daddy, mommy” Faith looks at her daughters bright blue eyes. “I know you do baby, I do to.”

Isabelle

The sunlight coming through the window gave the room a soft glow. The light reflected off of Faith’s auburn hair giving the illusion of a halo. Her eyes were closed and the only sound in the room was the soft sucking and swallowing of the baby as she nursed.

Chase watched as his wife fed his daughter. His Daughter- he couldn’t believe that he was this beautiful child’s father. Faith glanced over at him with a comforting smile as she held Isabelle’s hand in hers.

“Isn’t she perfect Chase. She is just perfect”.

Chase smiled and walked over to the bed, sitting down next to his wife. It seemed like only yesterday they were on their honeymoon dreaming about the future. They had always wanted children, but he never imagined it would feel like this.

“Yes she is” he said while wrapping her hair around his fingers.

That was Six years ago. It seemed like a life time ago. Issie had grown into such a spirited child, far from the quiet baby she was back then. Chase often teased Faith that Issie’s red hair was what made her such a fire cracker.

“Be careful you guys!” Faith said as she stood in the kitchen drying the dinner dishes.

“Oh mommy! The dinosaur is going to get me!” Issie said, laughing and running around the living room. Chase hid behind furniture peering out at her.

Chase leaped out from behind the couch, bringing both him and Issie to the floor. Their laughter echoed through the kitchen as Faith put the dishes away.

It is those memories that Faith tries to hold onto, for Issis sake. For her own sake. Memories full of laughter and love.

“Daddy, one more time!”
“Tomorrow Issie, its time for bed tonight.” Chase carried his daughter up the stairs and to her room.

They followed Issie’s night time routine. Saying prayers at the side of the bed, turning on the nightlight, shutting the closet door, tucking her into her bed with her big purple blanket, and many, many goodnight kisses. It was a routine that Chase and Issie had togther. He always put her to bed.

Issie’s eyes closed and Chase left the room and quietly shut the door. He stood outside her room and said his own quiet prayer.

“Father, guard her. Guard her heart and her innocence. Help me teach her about your love and grace.”

Today, that memory means so much to Faith. The vision of her strong husband carrying their daughter. His strength was not just physical, but spiritual. Her heart broke again as she thought about the fact that his body was too weak now to carry anything.

But his spirit was still very strong. Stronger than she could imagine.

Faith

After church, Issie ran down the isle and grabbed Pastor Shaw’s hand.

Pastor Shaw had married Faith and Chase 8 years ago. He was a small man in stature, but quite prominent in his belief. He had been the Pastor of New Covenant for the past decade, and his congregation adored him. Chase was very fond of his style of preaching, he referred to it as “humble teaching, with spice”. Chase always had to throw the word “spice” in his descriptions for some reason.

“Guess what!” Issie said, as she rolled from her toes to her heels. She kept pushing her red hair behind her ears, although it didn’t want to stay there.

“I can only imagine!” Pastor Shaw said, grinning.

“I can roll my tongue, see!” Issie’s face contorted in a position that made Pastor Shaw laugh out loud.

“Very nice Issie, but can you wiggle your ears like this?”

Chase and Faith stood there, watching their daughter roll her tongue and their pastor wiggle his ears, laughing. “She’s your daughter” Chase said. “Yes, but she has your crazy sense of humor!” Faith replied back.

Now, church seemed so- empty. Faith had so many questions, yet she knew that none of them had answers. She almost decided to stop going, except Issie had a persistent streak that forced her to continue with the tradition every Sunday morning.

“Good Morning Faith”
“Good Morning Pastor” Faith replied, trying not to look him in the eye.

His eyes saw straight through to the pain she was feeling. She didn’t have to say a word. She wanted so bad for him to say something far fetched like “God called last night, he told me to tell you that Chase would be healed next Sunday at 10:04 am , so be sure to be here.” She knew it would never happen, yet she wanted it so badly. She knew that he didn’t have the answers she needed, yet she still wanted to ask them, yet she didn’t. She shook his hand and looked down at Issie. They took their familiar spot on the 4th row next to Mr and Mrs Rand.

Faith couldn’t decide what she hated worse, the sympathetic smiles or the lack of conversation that accompanied them.

Every Sunday she found herself stumbling through the worship, but this Sunday was different. This Sunday, it seemed every song hit home in a way that her tears could not hide from.

All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep

The tears came streaming down. All she could think about was Chase, and the life she faces without him. She felt her heart reminding her of the pain and sorrow, how in the world would she let that go?

Issie’s hand slipped inside of hers, and she found the strength to continue on with the song, but with that strength she also found herself battling the questions of why. Why Chase, God? Why Me?

Isabelle

“Higher Daddy, Higher!” Isabella’s legs dangled from the swing as Chase pushed her.

They had bought this house the year after Isabella was born. The neighborhood was moderate. There were no Mercedes, but the owners truly believed they lived on estates. It was a friendly neighborhood that took its home owner association rules very seriously. Faith liked that, she liked the fact that things had order and that someone would be on top of it.

Chase on the other hand would have loved to live out in the country with acreage and animals. He would often drive by pastures and jokingly say “Faith, look, cant you see yourself sitting on a bucket milking Bessie?” Faith was not amused.

The backyard was the selling point for them. The massive oak trees and the vast green grass, Chase was already placing the grill and swing set in his mind before they had even looked at the upstairs.

He built the swing set from scratch. Every night after he got home from work, he would pull out his note pad and start jotting down ideas. Then after he put Issie to bed, he would disappear into the back yard for hours. What started out as a typical two swing, one slide concept soon turned into every child’s dream. It truly was the epitome of perfection, as far as swing sets were concerned.

Issie wasn’t old enough to notice the magnitude of the fort, or the vastness of the slide. She was captivated by the swing, that and the thought of her daddy pushing her “high up to the trees”.

“Daddy, do you think I could fly if you pushed hard enough”
“Im sure you could sweetie, but lets not find out today, okay.”

It’s been a while since Chase pushed Issie on the swing, and somehow Faiths hands have not measured up in Issie’s book. Faith has a hard time going in the back yard now, not because of the memories that have taken place there, but because of the memories she knows never will now.

The swing he will never push his daughter in again. The grill that he will never light again. The hammock he will never lay in again. All around her were reminders of “never again’s”.

But for Issie, it was still her favorite place to be.

“Daddy, when you wake up, you can push me on the swing! All I need is one big push, mommy taught me how to pump my legs. That way you won’t get tired.”

Faith stands outside the door and listens as her daughter talks to Chase.
“How do I tell her? God, how do I tell her things might never be the same?”

Faith

“Im not sure which I should buy” Faith said, holding two black dresses, standing in the dressing room at Town Square Mall.
“Faith, you will look great in either one, which one do you like best?” Beth wasn’t even looking at Faith, she had her eyes set on the cashier who was looking at her just as eagerly.

“Seriously Beth, where am I going to wear this. Its not like ….”

Silence.

Beth had called Faith earlier that morning and told her that she had scheduled someone from the church to come and sit with Chase and Issie. She had planned a day of “girl stuff” and there was no way Faith was getting out of it.

“Faith, honey its okay to cry”.

“What if he never…” Faiths voice trembled, as she looked at herself in the mirror holding both dresses up.

“Wakes up? That is something that we will help you walk through Faith. You have so many people who love you and Issie and Chase. You cant shut us out of your life sweetie, you’re stuck with us. By the way, Pastor Shaw asked about you the other day, you really should call him”

Pastor Shaw. The poor man tries so hard to reach out to her, yet Faith continually puts up her wall. She is getting good at this wall thing. Phone rings, wall goes up. Door bell rings, wall goes up. Walk into church, walls on all four sides.

“I don’t know what to say to him, Beth. I don’t know what to say to anyone right now.”

“Faith, tell him the truth”.

“The truth? That my husband is dying right before my eyes. That my 6 year old daughter still thinks her daddy is going to get up out of that bed and push her on the swing set? That I am lonely, and angry and ….. “

“Yes Faith, tell him the truth”

Isabelle

“Look Mommy! Janice helped me draw a picture of the swing set for daddys room!”

Janice, Chases nurse, stood with her hand on Issies head.

“She really loves to draw, doesn’t she?”

“How is Chase?” Faith asked.

“He’s been asleep since I got here this morning.”

The look on Faiths face was hard to mask. Issie put her picture in Faiths hand.

“That, my dear, is one spectacular swing set, your daddy is going to love it in his room!”

“I already picked out a spot mommy, come see!”

Faith thanked Janice for her kindness and walked her to the door. She then followed Faith up the stairs. When she came into the room, Chase had his eyes open.

“Daddy! Look at the pictures I’ve drawn for you!” Chase didn’t really say anything, but the small smile on his face was all Faith needed.

“Hi honey” she said, as she stroked his hair. “It’s good to see you.”

Faith held his hand, as he stared at her face. He didn’t have the strength to talk, but no words were really needed. She knew what he was saying, even without the words.

“I love you too.”

After 8 years of marriage, he still captured her heart. She prayed that he would stay awake longer this time than last- she had so much she wanted to share with him.

Issie and Faith crawled up on the bed next to him. Faith felt her security resurface. Her family, even if for a brief moment, felt complete again.

After Issie dozed off, Faith found herself memorizing her husbands face. The creases on his neck, the freckles on his nose. The way his left eyebrow was bushier than the right.

She wanted to tell him so much, but didn’t know where to begin. She found herself just staring at him. “I cant lose you”.

Faith

Its funny, the places you find your joy. You seldom realize how long it had been since you laughed until you find yourself laughing again.

Issie and Faith were taking a walk in the park. It was Saturday morning and the coolness made their breath look like fog.

“Lets whistle mama!”
“Okay, what would you like to whistle?”
“Oh I don’t know. Lets whistle You are my sunshine”

Issie started whistling, every sound was followed by a long puff of fog.

Before long, they were simultaneously whistling between the laughter. Issie would whistle a few notes, and then start laughing, Faith would finish as much as she could before she started laughing.

In moments like these, Faith forgot her circumstances. She forgot about the man at home laying in bed. She forgot about the prospect of facing her life with out him. She forgot about the pain.

“Hurry and take off your boots Issie, they are wet”

Faith placed her boots by the front door and hung up her coat. The house was so warm compared to the brisk autumn air outside. She rubbed her hands together and headed to the kitchen. The message light was blinking on the phone.

“Good Morning Faith, I would like to schedule some time to talk to you, when you are available of course. If you could take a moment and call the church secretary and let her know when you could come in, that would be great. You are always in my prayers.”

Pastor Shaw. If he was anything, he was persistent. Faith hit the erase button and continued on to the kitchen. She knew that she needed to talk to him. Part of her even wanted to talk to him. But right now, Chili needed to be made. Laundry needed to be folded. Life needed to seem normal. Talking about her husband’s cancer and her feelings about it would not make this day seem normal.

The door bell rang before she even got the pot out.

“Hey you!” It was Beth, in her normal exuberant mood, of course.
“Hey, come in”

Beth followed Faith into the kitchen, where she tossed her handbag on the table and pulled out a chair.

“Want me to put on some tea?”
“You read my mind!”

They sat and talked for what seemed like hours while Issie colored more pictures.

“I ran into Stephanie today” Beth stated.

“Oh Really? How is she?”

“She is good, she asked about you. She said that she had called and left messages, but you hadn’t returned them yet.”

Faith stared at her cup.

“You know Faith, I know this is so hard for you. I know that the prospect of losing Chase is something I can not even begin to understand. But honey you have to talk about it. You have to let us in. You are the one that will be left here to take care of the rest of your life, and your daughter’s life. Don’t go through this alone”

Faith looked her straight in the face. Beth and Faith had been best friends since middle school. There wasn’t a moment in either’s life that the other didn’t know about. They were each others brides maids, Faith had walked with Beth through her cheating husband and the divorce that followed. Beth had been the first person Faith called when they got the diagnosis.

“I am not really sure what everyone expects me to say. I am doing the best I can with what I have been given.”

“I know you are sweetie, just promise me that you will talk to me when you need to.”

“I promise.”

“And promise me that you will call Pastor Shaw and set up an appointment.”

Faith looked at her. “That’s why he called, you told him to call me”.

“I didn’t tell him to call, I encouraged him to call. There is a difference”

Faith shook her head.

“Its not meddling, its concern. There’s a difference between those two, Faith”.

Faith laughed.

“I will call. I can’t promise you when, but I promise you that I will call”

“Good, I can watch Issie tomorrow.”

“Beth!”

“What? No pressure! I am just offering my time, that’s all”

They both smiled and drank the rest of their tea. Issie had finished her picture. This time it was of their walk in the park- only she included her daddy in the drawing. She always included him.

Isabelle

Issie had her nose firmly pressed against the glass window in the kitchen.

“Look Mommy, Snow!”

It was the middle of November, the air was crisp. Faith looked out the window and saw the first snow flakes falling. It seemed like only yesterday the heat from the summer was threatening to smother them. This was Faiths favorite time of year, the smell of wood burning in the air, children chasing their breath as they ran in the park.

“Can I make a snow man, mommy?
Faith giggled. “You might want to wait until there is a bit more snow sweetheart!”

Issie smooshed her nose harder on the glass window, as she watched the steam fog over the glass.

“Where do you think God lives Mommy?”

“Well, he lives in heaven honey, remember that is what the bible says.”

“Do you think he knows daddy is sick?”

Faith stopped loading the dishwasher. Sometimes Issie’s questions brought her to her knee’s.

“Im sure he does honey.”

“Why doesn’t he make him better, like he did with my broken arm?”

Faith just stood there. Why doesn’t He? Does he see the pain in Issie’s heart and the numbness in Faiths soul. Doesn’t he see what an amazing man Chase is, and much they both need him here. Does he care? Does he even hear her?

These are the questions that fill Faiths heart, the hard questions that she wants so badly to have answered, yet she already knows the answers. Deep down she knows them.

For the first time since Chase became sick, Faith realized that Issie knew much more than she had believed. Issie knew that her daddy was very sick, yet she still found joy in sitting by his bed and coloring him pictures. She still loved singing to him even though he never opened his eyes or applauded her performance. He was still her daddy.

Faith wished she had Issie’s strength. It took everything she could muster to walk up those stairs, to sit next to her husband, to talk to him knowing that he wasn’t going to reply. Everyday she found herself resenting the position she had been placed in. Every day she resented God more and more for placing her there.

Faith

Faith sat in the living room while she waited for the nurse to arrive. Tonight, she and Issie had been invited to Beth’s thanksgiving party.

Beth was a modern day Martha Stewart. Faith could already picture the place cards neatly lined up on the table, in the shape of maple tree leaves. The pumpkin punch, floating in the most perfectly shaped hollowed pumpkin. The shades of orange that would adorn the Great Room of her 5 bedroom house.

Faith always thought it was silly that Beth kept that huge house after her divorce. Beth would joke that it was her reminder that she didn’t walk away from that marriage with nothing, and there was no way she was going to let Brent’s new wife sleep in a house she hand picked the tile for.

Beth wasn’t bitter, at least in her own mind.

Issie came running down the stairs, “Mommy Mommy, I lost a tooth!”

Faith looked at Issie’s face, and then her shirt. One thing about Issie, she wasn’t a neat child- and pulling that tooth meant more than keeping the white starched shirt clean.

“Wow Issie, the tooth fairy is going to give you a lot for that tooth!”

“Daddy said that she always gives more for your first tooth, so I bet I am going to get $100!”

Faith smiled and took of Issies shirt. “Now run upstairs and put on your other white shirt, hurry!”

Faith sat back down on the couch and pulled her legs up under her on the cushion. Looking out the window she wondered who would be at the party tonight. Suprisingly her mood was somewhat festive, compared to the past few days.

She knew that Stephanie and Bill would be there with their 4 boys. She really should have called Steph back, now she would have to come up with an excuse as to why she didn’t. Stephanie’s husband was one of Chase’s business partners, and a high school friend. Everyone joked that Chase was the farthest thing from a banker that you could imagine. He was the life of the party, and Bill was his sidekick.

They had come and visited Chase a few times when he first became ill, but slowly the visitors had stopped coming once Chase wasn’t waking up while they were there. Faith knew it wasn’t because they didn’t feel it was worth it, or because they didn’t think Chase knew they were visiting. She knew that it was just difficult to see him like that.

It is difficult for her to see him like that too.

The door bell rang. Janice, the nurse from the agency came in.

“Isabelle, come downstairs. It is time to go!”

Isabelle came running down the stairs in a striped purple and white shirt.

“Oh Issie, I said the white shirt!” Faith tried to brush out the wrinkles that Issie had managed to make while putting this very NON white shirt on.

“It has white in it mommy, and it is my favorite shirt! It makes my tooth stand out more too!”

Faith smiled at her and turned to Janice.

“There is food in the kitchen if you are hungry, and Chase is upstairs sleeping- I put the numbers on the fridge in case there is an emergency”.

Faith felt as if she were leaving instructions for a babysitter.

“We’ll be just fine Mrs Carson, you and your daughter have a good time tonight”.

Faith closed the front door, remembering that Pastor Shaw was sure to be at Beth’s party. Her excitement dwindled a bit at that realization, but she knew sooner or later she would have to talk to him. Hopefully tonight he would let her enjoy the party without asking about a meeting.

And hopefully Beth would not mettle. Faith laughed quietly at the thought of that not happening.

Beth’s house was just as Faith had imagined it in her head. Everything was perfect, down to the folded napkins placed next to the perfectly placed shiny autumn dinner plates. The rooms smelled like pumpkin spice. Faith laughed to herself “I bet she bought every Pumpkin Spice candle hallmark had.”

Two of Steph’s boys, Jacob and Heath, were running up and down the stairs, as Beth came around the corner.

“You boys stop running, I mean it. You are going to knock something over!”

She turned around and looked at Faith. “You made it! Hurry, get your coats off and enjoy the party! Issie had already taken off her coat and ran past to join the boys in the foyer. “Issie!”… “I know mom, I know!”

“I see you wore the dress you almost didn’t buy”

“Yes, you were right Beth. There, feel better now?”

Beth put her hand around Faiths back and guided her into the Great Room. Faith, a bit hesitant to go, decided it wasn’t worth the fight. Sooner or later this was all going to come out, and she was tired of fighting it.

“I saw Pastor Shaw a few minutes ago, you should find him and say Hi.”

“Beth, don’t mettle”

“Who me? Now Faith, I would never…” They both grinned at each other as they walked into the room. It felt as if every eye was on Faith. “That poor young woman” she could almost hear them saying. She wanted to pick up a glass and tap it with a spoon and make a speech of her own.

“Listen up. Yes my husband is dying. Yes he is at home right now on a feeding pump, laying in a bed, coming in and out of a coma. Yes I am at a party with my daughter. Yes I am smiling, and yes I am having a good time. Any questions? Good, lets enjoy our evening then, shall we?”

She was having a good time. She was smiling. But deep in her heart, she knew that the night was young, and she would only be able to carry that façade for a limited amount of time.

Deep in side, she felt like a horrible wife for being here. Without Chase.

Isabelle

Faith pulled into the driveway and turned off the car. Isabelle had fallen asleep on the short ride home. Faith sat in the car a moment, just thinking about the party, her life, how much she wished Chase could have been there.

She opened Issies door, and picked her up. She didn’t remember her being that heavy, how in the world would she make it up those stairs? Its times like this that she realizes the little things Chase did for her, for their daughter.

Isabelle woke up before the front door had opened all the way.

“Its okay mommy, I can walk.”

Faith was breathing hard from the trot to the front door, her breaths showing in the cold air around her.

“Hurry and get in here girls, before you catch pneumonia.” Janice said from the living room.

The house smelled like apple cider, which was Faith’s favorite winter drink.

Issie had disappeared upstairs, Faith assumed to bed.

Janice poured Faith a cup of apple cidar.

“I was hoping we could talk for a bit, Mrs. Carson.”

“Sure, Janice, but you can call me Faith”.

Janice had been Chase’s nurse since the beginning. Once the cancer became untreatable, Janice offered her services privately so that Chase’s care wouldn’t be left up to a stranger. In the last 3 weeks, she had become a strong part of the family, Faith couldn’t imagine going through this with out her.

Janice started out by telling Faith that Chase had woken up while she was out tonight. Faiths eyes opened wide.

“Was he okay? Did he speak?”

“He’s fine, he motioned for some paper and a pen. I’m sorry, he didn’t speak”

Faith looked at her with a puzzled look.

“What did he do with it?”

“He drew a picture for Issie with a note on the back.”

Faiths heart stopped. Her tears starting flowing and this time there was no stopping them. She was overjoyed that he had woken up, yet angry at herself for not being here.

“I left the picture upstairs by the bed. I knew you and Issie would want to hang it up yourselves.”

“Thank you Janice, Thank you for being here.”

“Faith, its okay to cry, you don’t have to wipe your tears away. Chase told me to tell you that he loves you and he knows you are hurting.”

“He said that?”

“He told me to tell you he loved you. His eyes told me to tell you he knows your hurting.”

“Sometimes it is just so hard, it’s hard to know what to say, what not to say. I know he hears me, I know he feels me. But sometimes I feel so lost in all of this.”

“I know you do. It’s a process, and it isn’t going to be easy. Your husband’s life is a legacy of love and joy. Don’t lose site of that in the midst of the pain Faith. Don’t lose site of the life he lived while waiting for him to die.”

After Janice left, Faith went upstairs to check on Issie. She walked by the master bedroom and saw the light was still on. She walked in and found Issie sleeping under the covers with her daddy. His picture laying on her chest. On the back he wrote a simple note.

“I will always be with you Issie. Daddy loves you.”

Faith

Faith sat at the kitchen table, watching the news and drinking her coffee. She always loved mornings like this. Issie was still sleeping upstairs next to her father, and Janice was sitting with them. It was just her, her coffee and her thoughts.

The Autumn leaves had all fallen off the tree’s and the snow blanketed the ground. Faith looked out her window and tried to remember where they were last year at this time.

Chase was a different person back then. He had always taken such pride in his appearance. Today, he was just a shell of himself, nothing like he was a year ago. He hadn’t left their bedroom in almost a month and hadn’t spoken much in 2 weeks. He was slowly deteriorating before Faiths eyes. The picture on the nightstand reminded Faith of what he looked like, but even that was hard to look at right now. She felt like the world was being ripped out from under her and all she could do was watch.

The last conversation they had was one of the hardest she had ever had to face. The “what to do” conversation. Chase was a very religious man, he held onto his faith with every ounce of his being. He had made it very clear that he wanted his service to be a happy one; he did not want a sad funeral. That wasn’t Chase’s style. He wanted pictures of him and his family every where in the room, and every person who came to visit had to wear something bright. No Black, that was very important to him, but not as important as no coffin.

“No reminders of death, Faith. Only life.”

He had told Janice where he had left the letters he had written to his family. He also had made a video tape to be played at his memorial service which he didn’t want any one to know about until after his death.

His death. It seemed so final and so very close. The cancer had been so aggressive, and the hope of remission never had a chance to surface. Lung cancer is not something you usually win the fight against. Chase had been at peace with what was to come. Faith, however could find no peace in this situation despite how hard she had looked.

Chases last words to her were simple and short.

“You are my everything.”

Now, sitting at that table, she wrestled with the future and the past at the same time. She wrestled with what she should have done differently and with the things she would never be able to do.

Thoughts of her future crept into her mind. No one to grow old with. No one to lay next to at night. No one to share those intimate moments with. No one to love her like Chase loved her.

She sat there, tears streaming down her face as she clinched her jaw. How could she face this? How could she face a future without him? How could God expect her to do this alone? And most importantly, Why.

Right as she was wiping the tears away, the phone rang. Pastor Shaws voice was on the other end. Faith tried to mask her trembling voice, but failed miserably.

“Faith, Ive scheduled an appointment tomorrow at 1:30pm. Beth is going to come sit with Chase and Issie. Chase had asked me before he …. He asked me to talk to you about his last wishes and to also make sure you were handling things okay. I am very concerned about you Faith. Please tell me you will come tomorrow.”

“I will come” Faith said, abruptly

“Thank you Faith, I will see you tomorrow afternoon.”

Faith hung up the phone, sat down at the table and wept. How could she tell her pastor that her faith in God was almost non existent? How could she tell him that she was angry and bitter at her creator? How could she share those deep parts of her soul with anyone?
It was hard enough to hear them herself.

Issie

Issie hadn’t put down the paper her father had drawn for her all day. It bore the marks of Peanut butter and jelly, French toast and dirt.

“Mommy, do you think daddy will remember me in heaven?”

Faith smiled at her, proud of the little girl she saw standing in front of her.

“Yes Issie, he will remember you.”

“Do you think he will still snore like he does here?”

Faith laughed and shook her head. Faith had always loved the inquisitive side of Issie. She had a way of turning the darkest of times into something special, and even in these circumstances she managed to make Faith smile.

Issie crawled up into Faiths lap, holding the note from Chase in her hands firmly.

“I don’t want daddy to die. I will miss him.” Issie started crying, her tears dripping onto the note.

Faith, at that moment realized that she needed face the future. Her daughter would need her in ways that she couldn’t yet imagine, and at this point Faith would be lucky to stand upright after Chase’s death. It was time to face this and form a plan.

For Herself. For Issie.

Faith

Faith sat in the church parking lot. She didn’t want to go in, she didn’t want to face what she needed to face. She had almost turned the car around 3 times while driving the mile from her house, yet she couldn’t.

She remembered Issie’s face yesterday. The pain she felt when watching her daughter mourn for her father. Faith needed to do this to help her daughter through the next few months, but more than that Faith needed someone to help her get through the next few months.

“Come in, Faith” Pastor Shaw said.

Faith walked into the large office, which smelled like mahogany wood oil. She sat down in the oversized chair on the opposite side of Pastor Shaw.

“How are you, Faith, really?”

Faith sat there. How does she answer a question like that? Then she remembered what Beth had told her. Just tell him. Beth’s words always had a way of creeping back to Faith when they are needed the most.

Faith sighed. “I am a bit lost right now.”

And with that, the tears came.

“I don’t know how to face this; I don’t know how to live without my husband. I have so much anger and so many questions, yet I know there are no answers. I know that my husband is going to die and there isn’t a thing I can do about it. I know that soon I will be a widow, and my daughter will be without a father. Where does that leave us?”

“Those are all very normal feelings, Faith. Honestly I would be more concerned about you had no you not said any of that. The thing I want you to realize is that you are not alone, and you don’t have to face this alone.”

“Really, because in about 2-3 weeks I am going to be very alone Pastor, and no amount of talking about it will change that.” Faith answered very matter of fact.

Somehow he managed to convince her to her to come to weekly meetings. After scheduling the month with the secretary, Faith stood in the lobby trying to hold back the tears.

“I know I need you God, but right now I don’t understand you.” She fumbled through all of the why’s again, knowing that at the end of the question their would be no magic answer.

Glancing down at her watch, she realized that it was time for her to pick up Issie from school, and afterwards she wanted to go somewhere special. Somewhere that wasn’t home.

Isabelle

Issie climbed into the car and threw her backpack in the back seat. Faith glanced at her clothing, wondering what in the world she was thinking when she let her daughter walk out of the house dressed like that. Issie never had a good way with matching colors, and today her clothes were proof of that fact.

“How was school, baby?” Faith asked, trying very hard not to ask her about her attire.

“It was okay. Bobby made fun of me; he said I looked like a clown.”

Every parent faces this moment. The moment where you can choose to tell the truth, or tiptoe lightly around the statement.

Faith chose to tiptoe, after all she had become rather good at it lately.

“Boys are just like that Faith, he may just think you are the prettiest girl in the class but he’s too embarrassed to tell you that.”

“EWWW! Mom!” Horror. Sheer and utter horror.

“Okay, I’ll be quiet. How about some ice cream?

Issie’s face lit up with excitement. “Can we get some for daddy?”

Issie’s face changed. She sunk down in her seat and mumbled “nevermind, he cant have any.”

Faith almost walked away from this opportunity. She was emotionally exhausted from her time with Pastor Shaw. But she didn’t, she couldn’t. Issie was losing Chase too, and Faith needed to be there for her daughter, even if she didn’t know how.

“Issie, do you want to talk to me about daddy?”

“No. I just want to go get ice cream, please.”

It was at that moment that Faith understood where Beth and Pastor Shaw were coming from. It was at that moment that Faith felt shut out of Issie’s emotions.

It was at that moment something in Faith changed

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