Today, I write to you from my living room couch. Easton is playing with Bailey on the floor, shes wrapped up in a blanket and he is digging her out. Elijah is building a Star Wars Space Ship out of Lego’s on my bedroom floor. Emma is at school. She reminded me this morning that it was Ice Cream day and she always gets a Sponge Bob Popsicle.
Easton is about to start her math, Elijah – his phonics. It’s going to be a good day.
This week, I took the time to remember what all I have been blessed with. I took time to slow down, and to really listen to my body, to listen to the things that are going on around me. I took time out to just be.
Last night, I took 300mg’s of Temador (chemo), 1mg of Kytril, 1 Compazine, and three Excedrin Extra Strength (along with my standard laxatives). I woke up this morning feeling pretty good except for the chemo headache that the Excedrin hasn’t touched. Its like little pins are going off in my brain, behind my eyes. (I like to think that it is the chemo attacking the stray cancer cells 
) I hear this is common, so I am not too concerned. The nausea has been minimal, although I remember waking up around 4am feeling sick but rolling over and going back to sleep.
I am not going to lie to you guys, I am struggling right now. I think that the constant go go go since April is finally catching up with me and I am feeling the effects of all the emotions of finally realizing that I have cancer. It wasn’t nearly this real a month ago.
I will tell you that I am rediscovering Gods love for me, even when I am down in the depths, He reminds me that I am loved. Even when I feel so very ugly, hairless, and just worn down, He reminds me that I am beautiful- When a certain song comes on the radio, or my kids say something that makes my heart stop, or Mark touches my hand as a passes by, He reminds me.
Cancer is an Emotional battle just as much as it is a physical one. It takes the cancer patient every bit of strength to fight off depression and loss of hope. And the fear of the unknown, it grips our souls.
But there is beauty in the Cancer experience also. Cancer patients have the ability to look at life through cancers eyes. To stop and listen to the birds chirp, to watch children playing on the playground, to spend long hours listening to the things and sounds going on around them. That is one of cancers many gifts.
To experience life, not just live it.
I am reading “When Words Heal” by Sharon Bray and one of the poems in the book, written by a girl named Kristen really touched me.
I thought cancer had taught me to
Be strong, to endure, to persevere, But
That wasn’t enough….
I thought I had learned patience
One day at a time, Slow and steady…
But that wasn’t enough…
Maybe then, the lesson is freedom.
Freedom of mind and of heart.
Freedom to just live
inside out
with open soul
unburdened
unhampered
today, tomorrow.
I will, I do, I did.
Freedom is such a beautiful thing. Freedom to just be, to feel, and to grow through the dreadful things that happen in all of our lives, not just mine, but yours too. We all have our own cancers- the things that we try to hide from everyone, including God. The things that we hurt the most over, that rip our hearts out, and drain us emotionally.
I am realizing so much through my journey with cancer. I am realizing that I am not as in control as I once thought I was. I am realizing that it is okay to hurt, it is okay to feel pain, it is okay to cry and to scream. Its okay to question God. Its okay to be depressed, as long as you don’t stay there for any great length of time.
Its okay to feel like you are the only one in the world who has ever experienced what you are going through. That doesn’t make you selfish, it doesn’t make you self absorbed. It doesn’t make you any less of a Christian. It makes you human.
More than anything, I am realizing that Gods Grace is sufficient. It really is.
If I Stand – Rich Mullins
There’s more that rises in the morning
Than the sun
And more that shines in the night
Than just the moon
It’s more than just this fire here
That keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger
Than this room
And there’s a loyalty that’s deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the giver
Of all good things
So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can’t, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
There’s more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There’s a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother’s
When her baby’s at her side
And there’s a loyalty that’s deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegence
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
Praying Heather that you and your precious family have a blessed weekend.
I hope that your headache goes away….Love Terry
Heather,
You got it this time, everything you are feeling and thinking is so true. It is okay to have those feelings, it is a part of the healing process. And, you know He will never forsake you, so keep plugging away with those feelings and thoughts and enjoy all those little things that we have a tendency to take for granted in our everyday lives.
Hugs & prayers,
Norma
I don’t know what to say , that hasn’t been said, so I will leave you with a prayer , and a hugg!
“Heather…”To Experience Life Not Just To Live It”"
passing-thru said…
Heather ALWAYS brings reality and genuiness to the “table” at a great price and has continued to HONOR GOD and like Job, declare that GOD is still GOOD
September 22, 2007 11:25 AM
Felisol said…
Dear Heather,
God bless your home,
God strengthen your faith,
God send his devine healing now.
Felisol
September 22, 2007 11:48 AM
You know, I wish I could come read more, but whenever I do I get tears and my kids look at me like I am crazy. You are such a strong person, God has given you such a strong outlook. Good for you for remembering that he is there for you all the time. You are always in my prayers.
You went with me in my heart to Women of Faith in Denver…I thought of you as the worship team praised…I thought of you as the speakers brought the Word…and I just wanted to say tonight, I thought of you as Nicole C Mullen brought Jesus in song and dance! Her song was about FREEDOM…and Heather, I am praying for the Lord to completely heal you and give you just that. You are beautiful.. Say it. Know it. Keep on walking it out….Walk in freedom and let the oil of Christ bathe your feet. Walk on.
Love and prayers to you and for your family,
holly
I love your posts. You write in a way that I know you understand the balance of really feeling what you need to feel and acknowledging the hurt and pain and at the same time affirming God’s goodness even in all of that. Thank you for your voice and for sharing your journey here.
Praying for you…..
Mary
I think you hit the nail on the head when describing life to a cancer patient’s eyes. I have been experiencing the same emotions as you. I’ve been fighting through the pain of watching other people not have a care in the world while I wonder if I’ll be around to see my now unborn child grow up, or if I’ll be gone before it can even form a memory of me. Thinking about that stuff really does force you to sort of stop and listen to the birds. I stop and look at my wife and thank God I found her. Anyway, this blog message struck a chord with me. I love your entries, keep fighting, I know I will.
Oh and we find out if it’s a boy or girl in 6-8 weeks so I definitely have something to look forward too
I love everything about this post. Thank you for your honesty. I always know when I don’t hear from you – that you might be a little “down”. It’s always good to hear from you, Heather…regardless of whether you’re on a mountaintop, in the valley, etc. I love hearing what God is doing in you, teaching you and showing you. I’m sorry the road has been SO ROUGH getting there.
You are AMAZING! I have been reading your blog for months now and you have inspired me in so many ways. Just this past Wednesday my mother found out she had cervical cancer. I instantly told her about your page and told her to come read for inspiration and how God has a plan for everyone and to read about you!
Praying for your week ahead to be restful, healthy, and gentle in every way for you and your family. I am praying the Lord continues to use this time to show you what a wonderful woman you are to Him. Bask in His love for you and have the most wonderful week full of joy and peace.
Laurie in Ca.
Last Thursday I dropped off a document on our lawyer’s officer and on my way out there’s this lady who smiled at me. I smiled back. Then I noticed that she’s still looking at me, and when I looked closely, I realized she’s someone from church who I prayed for when she was undergoing chemo for her cancer. I hugged her and said “oh, my gosh, Sandy, I didn’t recognize you”. She laughed and said – it’s the hair, Liza, it’s the hair. Her hair came back, but this time it’s got the nice curly ones instead of a straight kind of wavy she used to have.
She survived all the chemotherapy and is now on remission. I told her about you and how I am praying for you. She said to tell you that “this cancer trial” ill pass, ad someday you won’t even remember it that much.
Hang in there Heather – I probably saw Sandy last Thursday for this very reason – so that I can come here on this post and give you a word of encouragement. Hang in there – this too shall pass…
Heather,
First off – you are beautiful both inside and out. Being hairless hasn’t changed that
Second, you are an inspiration to me and I love you. I do not have cancer and God-willing, that is not a struggle I will have to endure BUT you teach me daily to stop and look at my world through your eyes. Yesterday, I was extremely frustrated and ready to really blow my testimony in front of my kids. It was then that I thought of YOU. I thought, “No Karen, by God’s grace, you have the strength and the health to deal with this situation. You could be fighting Heather’s battle.” Sister, God uses you ~is using you~ in a mighty way.
I’m sure you would have never chosen this path on purpose but your willingness to walk it for the glory of God is a blessing to me. Cancer has been my biggest fear since my g’pa had it when I was 5. If I should ever be met with its diagnosis, I can only hope to handle it with as much strength as you have.
You’re still on our prayer wall in Sunday school. I think of you often and pray for you more, even though I don’t comment a lot. Have a blessed day!
I know there are so many prayer warriors lifting you up. I am one of them and thank God every day for what He’s doing in and through you. I know it’s gotta be so hard and yet you just need to know what an incredible inspiration you are to thousands of people. Could you and any other prayer warriors reading this please be in prayer for a little girl named Ashley who is very sick with a mysterious infection. Her family’s website is http://ashleyadamsjournal.blogspot.com/
Her bowels have stopped working and her skin is peeling off and blistering. Her family needs prayer and I just wanted to get this message out to as many of God’s people as possible to be lifting the Adams family before the throne. Thanks, and many blessings to you.
Love & Many Prayers,
Martha
Yes. His grace is sufficient, isn’t it? I agree with the commenter above who said to herself, “You could be fighting Heather’s battle.” I think God is so gracious to allow you to fight this battle with such grace, and it serves as a reminder to me when I am faced with my own small daily battles.
Praise God that you are taking this experience and trials in life and making it into something positive! Huggles!
I FEEL SO LUCKY TO HAVE FOUND THIS BLOG!!! Your recent post () really impressed me. Had found this blog a long time ago, I would have really appreciated it. I was searching MSN for information on b b Dress Flower Girl when I stumbled across you Friday. Keep it going!
Hello..I am so happy to have found this blog. I am sixteen years old and my name is Hather. One day while bored on computer class, I googled my own name..and that is how i found this website. I really believe God meant for me to find it. Reading about you and all the strength that you have, even in the midst of the toughest things, helps me to forget about all the little problems that I face, being a teenager. I just want you to know that I am praying for you, and that you are an inspiration to thousands. Thank you for this blog, you are truly an amazing person.
Christian love, Heather