Today, I write to you from my living room couch. Easton is playing with Bailey on the floor, shes wrapped up in a blanket and he is digging her out. Elijah is building a Star Wars Space Ship out of Lego’s on my bedroom floor. Emma is at school. She reminded me this morning that it was Ice Cream day and she always gets a Sponge Bob Popsicle.
Easton is about to start her math, Elijah – his phonics. It’s going to be a good day.
This week, I took the time to remember what all I have been blessed with. I took time to slow down, and to really listen to my body, to listen to the things that are going on around me. I took time out to just be.
Last night, I took 300mg’s of Temador (chemo), 1mg of Kytril, 1 Compazine, and three Excedrin Extra Strength (along with my standard laxatives). I woke up this morning feeling pretty good except for the chemo headache that the Excedrin hasn’t touched. Its like little pins are going off in my brain, behind my eyes. (I like to think that it is the chemo attacking the stray cancer cells 
) I hear this is common, so I am not too concerned. The nausea has been minimal, although I remember waking up around 4am feeling sick but rolling over and going back to sleep.
I am not going to lie to you guys, I am struggling right now. I think that the constant go go go since April is finally catching up with me and I am feeling the effects of all the emotions of finally realizing that I have cancer. It wasn’t nearly this real a month ago.
I will tell you that I am rediscovering Gods love for me, even when I am down in the depths, He reminds me that I am loved. Even when I feel so very ugly, hairless, and just worn down, He reminds me that I am beautiful- When a certain song comes on the radio, or my kids say something that makes my heart stop, or Mark touches my hand as a passes by, He reminds me.
Cancer is an Emotional battle just as much as it is a physical one. It takes the cancer patient every bit of strength to fight off depression and loss of hope. And the fear of the unknown, it grips our souls.
But there is beauty in the Cancer experience also. Cancer patients have the ability to look at life through cancers eyes. To stop and listen to the birds chirp, to watch children playing on the playground, to spend long hours listening to the things and sounds going on around them. That is one of cancers many gifts.
To experience life, not just live it.
I am reading “When Words Heal” by Sharon Bray and one of the poems in the book, written by a girl named Kristen really touched me.
I thought cancer had taught me to
Be strong, to endure, to persevere, But
That wasn’t enough….
I thought I had learned patience
One day at a time, Slow and steady…
But that wasn’t enough…
Maybe then, the lesson is freedom.
Freedom of mind and of heart.
Freedom to just live
inside out
with open soul
unburdened
unhampered
today, tomorrow.
I will, I do, I did.
Freedom is such a beautiful thing. Freedom to just be, to feel, and to grow through the dreadful things that happen in all of our lives, not just mine, but yours too. We all have our own cancers- the things that we try to hide from everyone, including God. The things that we hurt the most over, that rip our hearts out, and drain us emotionally.
I am realizing so much through my journey with cancer. I am realizing that I am not as in control as I once thought I was. I am realizing that it is okay to hurt, it is okay to feel pain, it is okay to cry and to scream. Its okay to question God. Its okay to be depressed, as long as you don’t stay there for any great length of time.
Its okay to feel like you are the only one in the world who has ever experienced what you are going through. That doesn’t make you selfish, it doesn’t make you self absorbed. It doesn’t make you any less of a Christian. It makes you human.
More than anything, I am realizing that Gods Grace is sufficient. It really is.
If I Stand – Rich Mullins
There’s more that rises in the morning
Than the sun
And more that shines in the night
Than just the moon
It’s more than just this fire here
That keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger
Than this room
And there’s a loyalty that’s deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the giver
Of all good things
So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can’t, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
There’s more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There’s a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother’s
When her baby’s at her side
And there’s a loyalty that’s deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegence
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
Hi Heather, I’m so glad that you are learning and discovering new wisdoms through all this. It’s so true that it’s ok to feel all the things we feel and that God can take what we throw at us. He just wants us to let him love us sooo much! I’m also glad your combination of medications seems to be doing a good job this time.
Remember the book that didn’t arrive? Well I haven’t found out where it went but if you email me to confirm your address (in case I got it wrong before), I will sort out another copy for you. I would love you to read it. xx
Goodness I should have checked that before I posted! It should have said “God can take what we throw at him“!
What a beautiful post. You cause me to stop and experience life. Thanks for the glimpse from your eyes… even if there are little pins going off behind them.
We are praying for you.
much love to you Heather,
Amy Grant Bayliss
Hey Heather,
Keep being real. Real is what people need to hear for hope. You are a testimony of that hope, yet intitled to be human as well. I pray God continues to show you the Hope so you can fight and win!!
I told you earlier of my frind with the same cancer and she is still in remission totally for 15 years. I have no doubt that God does indeed hear your requests.
If you have a minute to pray could you go to http://conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com and pray for this family today. I know you would be so good at lifting them up today.
Blessings Heather
It is about the little things, Heather–the tiny joys of today. And it is about the big things, the things that only God can pull us through. Your ability to be so real and so vulnerable blesses so many people. I lost my mother recently. She fought so hard and touched so many people during her fight with colon cancer. The only thing I wish is that sometimes she had allowed herself to be a little more vulnerable and let others be strong for her sometimes. I wish she had allowed herself a few more little moments. But at the same time I know she was who she was for a reason and God used her for every good.
You remain in my prayers, you and your sweet family.
Peace & strength for your needs,
Julie
Always praying, Heather. Beautiful post today!
I have missed you. I knew you would return with something that would help us all. Thank you.
It sounds like you have a plan this time with the nausea. PTL you were able to go right back to sleep. Don’t be afraid to take something stronger for the headaches. I’m sure your DR would give you something. Remember the Excedrin has aspirin, and it isn’t that good for your stomach.
I love you Heather,
Lynn
Heather,
Thanks for your post. Today I am trying not to get too emotional, my brother-in-law left this morning for his 2nd tour of duty in Iraq. My sister will be alone again with their two girls. I try not to feel too sorry for myself or about things. I know that their truly are people in this world much worse off than my family. I believe you can take any situation and be thankful because we have the Lord. I have been touched sooo greatly by your blog. I am striving to be a better Christian, mother, wife, daughter and friend. Thank you so much for being you and opening yourself up to everyone. Thank you Jesus for Heather and her family.
We love you.
Thank you Heather for reminding us that we all have the gift of today. So many times we take it for granted or simply focus on our worries about tomorrow.
You’re in my prayers!
Hi Heather,
So glad you are feeling well enough to write. And Especially glad for your thoughts on freedom to be who God created us to be. No more, no less.
Keep your mind on God and keep receiving His peace!
Hugs and prayers,
michelle
Such beautiful thoughts! Have a lovely, wonderful and amazing day with your precious children. You are so loved! Praying for you!
Such a great post, Heather. Thank you for sharing your heart, what you are learning and the simplicity of your day that reminds me so much of my own.
Thanks especially for Rich Mullins’ song today. I needed to be reminded of that. You are a treasure.
Hi Heather, I have to say that you are so “getting it” in your season with cancer. Thousands and thousands of us out here have had cancer and have fought with the physical agonies and the emotional strains of holding on to hope and not giving up. Cancer is a huge disease with many branches. We can all relate with and encourage the ones going through it. The group is enormous, yet each one in it walks their own walk with it, no two the same and not a one size fits all thing. These “time-outs” you give yourself are helping you to let the Lord refresh and restore YOU. This is the most important treatment you can give yourself, the Freedom to soak in Gods sufficient Grace for you. The wisdom experienced in going through this is priceless, cannot be learned out of a book, in the best of colleges. It is a God Season only acquired by “going through.” I see Him loving on you so dearly during this Season and you are right where He wants you, in His loving and caring arms. It is enough,
to be human and ask God questions, and everyother thing He leads you through because He is leading YOU. Hold onto the knowledge that He is working out His perfect plan for YOU exclusively. He fearfully and wonderfully made you, and you are a wonderful (human) woman of God.
Oh, and by the way, the living room scene you described today sounds like life all around you is well with the world today. I loved it and am so glad you are in the middle of your life there at home. You are being homeschooled by the Lord right now and your degree is not too far off in the future. Place your HOPE in His hands and ask Him to multiply it for you. Have the most wonderful and peaceful weekend and I pray you feel extra healthy this time around. I love you.
Laurie in Ca.
I’ve been praying very specifically for you throughout the week this week. Your comment about the emotional battle being as real as the physical… I don’t think I’d ever truly realized that until you started on this journey… and yet I know that my comprehension is still so, so unbelievably incomplete. It helps, though… when thinkng and praying for you, sweet Heather. As always, thank you for sharing your heart with us…
Heather, What beautiful, touching words! You are such an unselfish person to share this journey with us. Honey, I wish I could take away your hurting and doubting, but I can’t. Only God can do it. You know that, so that is great. You have grown so much through this. You have such a terrific, loving family. You are truly blessed. God grant you rest and healing.
God Bless You and your family, too.
BETTY G. – Oklahoma
I really hope this round is better for you, that the past miserable rounds of chemo have taught you “tricks” to use to ease the misery this time.
I hope.
And I totally understand what has been taken from you and what has also been given you. Steven will never, ever have a clean bill of health. It’s difficult to wrap our thoughts around that one. But, by the same token, this diagnosis has given us freedom to be so much more than we ever thought of being before.
I understand.
As you said, the key is to not let the frightening or depressing thoughts stick around.
Stay strong.
“Cancer is an Emotional battle just as much as it is a physical one. It takes the cancer patient every bit of strength to fight off depression and loss of hope. And the fear of the unknown, it grips our souls. ”
Amen for the whole post not just the quote above.
Prayin’ for ya! Stand on the promise Heather.
yes…yes…yes.. and have a good weekend !
Great post! I am praying!
God bless
I started praying for you on your chemo weekend on Wednesday. Specifically, for you to get all that you can out of it and to still have peace and joy surrounding you. Once again, God has proven to be the King of Kings. Enjoy your weekend and keep embracing the simple things.
Prayers and hugs…
What a blessing you are, Heather. I know that sounds trite, and I don’t mean for it to, but it’s true. God has held your hand through this, and made you realize that You are beautiful. You, in turn, are ministering to us through your posts of gratitude and grace. Be well, my friend.
xxxooogretchen
Praying for you Heather. Stay strong and have a good weekend.
God bless!
God Bless you Heather.
Stand tall.. You are beautiful
What a beautiful post Heather. What a beautiful song as well. My 5 year anniversary from Cancer is Oct 16th and I can agree with you whole-heartedly…it is emotional as well as physical. I am reading Ephesians and the whole armor of God and He says : “Stand”. And you are. And I am praying for you always. In HIs Grip, Lynnebee
I have always felt that if I ever had cancer or some other disease, I would be curled in the fetal position, paralyzed by fear, indefinitely. But I have learned so much from you and others, that, through the grace of God, you CAN and DO make it through. Through the ups and downs, you make it. And you learn to truly appreciate your blessings along the way. Thank you for being a shining, beautiful exmple of exactly what God’s grace can povide!
I am so blessed for having found your blog. I now pray for you and your family daily.
Thank you for growing me through your journey.
May the Lord bless you…
I’m praying for you every day. May the Lord bless and keep you. Stay strong my friend…*hugs*
Beautiful post, sweet Heather. You are an excellent writer. And that is a wonderful song by Rich Mullins. Praying for you.
You are inspirational.
Praying for you!
That was a very moving post – I am thinking of you and wishing you well.
Praying for your Heather! You are such an inspiration!
I appreciate how “real” you are on your blog, Heather. I don’t post a lot of comments to you, but I read your blog regularly and you are always in my prayers!
Thank you, dear, for your great understanding and willingness to include those of us who do not (at least as far as we know, or yet) have cancer in your deep understanding of what human struggle and pain are.
Hi Heather,
I have never posted to your blog but I found it through Windows To My Soul. I want you to know that you are an inspiration and a blessing to me every time I read your blog. I found it right before you fond out that you had cancer and Ive been praying for you ever since. I just wanted to say ” Hello” to you and let you know that you really bless me. Im a single mom with three boys two of which have ADHD one is diagnosed as being Severe ADHD. pop over to my blog if you feel led to and give me holler when you get there. I would like to add you to my list if that would be ok. May God strow a thousand little blessings on your path today and every day. God bless, Denise
((( hugs ))) D
Hi Heather,
Btw, I have an Elijah too 
Just wanted to say that I am praying for you and your family. I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and I am constantly amazed at your strength and honesty. I wish I could give you a big hug!
Heather I hear a song in your heart today as you watch your children play. Jesus give my SSiC more days like this one filled with peace and joy. Give her pictures like today to fill her heart and mind with as she does all You have asked her to do.
Because of Jesus, Bobbie
You are so right about us all having our own “cancer”. I have never thought of it like that but it is so true. I am praying for you too and hope that this round of treatment will not be too cruel. Know that I think of you often and check in on you each and everyday.
Mandy
GA
http://www.madelinegracehopkins.blogspot.com
What an encouraging post. And that song is one of my favorites.
JoAnn
Hi Heather,
This place, I would like to feel that…..I have more then once but that these times have not sustained me, It is uplifting, helpful, needed for me to see how you feel as my “cancer” isn’t as yours, but it is deep far deeper then I could ever express, painful, very very painful, I have lived it for too many years.
I will keep praying for you, I just tell the Lord to give you peace because I know what it is like, the fears, the depression and it is so overwhelming…there are no words to explain…but you keep coping, hoping, praying, seeking,
I will keep on praying for you,
Marie
As always, you are an inspiration with your honesty and vulnerability in your posts. I just want to encourage you to get necessary intervention if the depression becomes too bad. That part of life’s illnesses I am very familiar with and it has been a journey over the past 5 years that I would never have asked for. But, then, who of us would ever ASK for pain?!
Hey Heather. I’m sorry to hear that you had a headache and bad night. I’ll keep praying. Loved what you said about “the chemo attacking the tumor cells”. My mom told me that she read about tumeric (the spice) attacking tumors and cancer, too. I thought I would tell you that. Any time you eat Mexican type foods, chicken, even Spanish rice or paella… or whatever you cook… put some tumeric in it. You hardly taste it and it might be a great cancer fighter. Hope that you’ll be back to FULL health without side-effects soon. Praying that EVERY “stray” cell is zapped!!!
Praying for you, Heather.
You have been through a whirlwind these past 5 months, with scarcely time to catch your breath, much less adjust to the huge differences in your life or even sort through all your feelings. You haven’t had time to see all that “God hath done” yet, because He is still so actively working to write the story of your experience with this.
He is FAITHFUL.
He is LOVE.
And as a parent might reassure an insecure child, He is NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
He’s still holding you. I pray that you can continue to rest in that reality, and, enfolded in His arms, to watch Him work on Your behalf and for His glory.
I know it must be very hard sometimes. Praying for you. And blessed by you!
Heather,
You have shared my thoughts exactly. The hardest part of cancer is the emotional part. The sickness is awful, but the emotions are even harder to deal with. You are right in everything you said, even down to it being alright to be depressed as long as you do not stay there to long. You are also right in the fact that His grace is sufficient. May I also add that His grace for today is not for tomorrow. That grace comes tomorrow just when we need it. That is one reason to not worry about tomorrow…His grace will be sure to be there to deal with whatever may happen. For now, continue to marvel at the blueness of the sky, the changing colors of the leaves and the preciousness of your kids’ smiles!
Praying for you daily here in Wisconsin!
~Gina
Heather,
When I read your words, “fear of the unknown,…it grips our souls”, it deeply touched me. I pondered what those words might mean for me if I were the one in your shoes. I will pray for you over this specific point tonight. Your honesty and transparency make for great teaching. What do we learn? Sensativity. Compassion. Awareness of a world much greater than our own. Faith. Determination. Much, much more.
Btw, I realize your headaches are related to treatment and so this might be of no help at all, but because I can’t know for sure, I thought I’d mention it. I get migraines. Exedrin is the only med that works for my headaches, but NOT for migraine. However, there is a powder aspirin out there that does work for me about 75% of the time. It’s called BC.
http://ec1.images-amazon.com/images/I/31PG2A0YZNL._AA160_.jpg
It tastes terrible (I have to hold my breath to swallow it and not breath until I take a drink of plain water afterwards, otherwise the bitterness is AWFUL in my throat). But it works. And I also rub Vics vaporub on my temples and forehead with a migraine (old remedy from grandmother, which is now copied with that HEAD-ON, APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD product).
Thanks too for sharing a bit of your kids’ homeschool day. This fellow homeschool mom can so relate.
Blessings,
~Toni~
Thanks once again for being real. We got bad news again today and I needed to hear again that’s it’s ok to not be ok…just don’t stay there. Thanks.
Heather,
I “bumped” into your website from another friends blog. I couldn’t stop reading your story. You are an inspiration to those of us who are reading. I will be praying for you this week and if you so desire, you can check out my blog at http://www.margaret-theroadlesstraveled.blogspot.com
My father was healed of Non Hodgkins Lymphoma over 7 years ago…so keep your chin up, God is aware and still in the healing business!!
Margaret
I just saw the note about you not sure that you can/want to keep up the blog…
Girl, you have so many great words and they are ministering to a group of people that are exactly the ones that God have put in your path. Even if it only changes the life of one person, then it was worth it.
Whatever you do on this earth, is not in vain.
Keep on blogging!
That Rich Mullins song is my favorite of all time. I love that line “And if I weep let it be as a man who is longing for his home”. It’s always good to hear from you, Heather.
Hi Heather,
Just want you to know we are praying for you and the scripture came to me , Be Still and know that I am God…sometimes we have to just get quiet in his presence and listen to what he is saying and he will renew your strength. Take time for yourself and be refreshed in His presence and be renewed with his strength. Your beautiful from the inside out , dont forget it girl!!!