One Down…
Today, I write to you from my living room couch. Easton is playing with Bailey on the floor, shes wrapped up in a blanket and he is digging her out. Elijah is building a Star Wars Space Ship out of Lego’s on my bedroom floor. Emma is at school. She reminded me this morning that it was Ice Cream day and she always gets a Sponge Bob Popsicle.
Easton is about to start her math, Elijah - his phonics. It’s going to be a good day.
This week, I took the time to remember what all I have been blessed with. I took time to slow down, and to really listen to my body, to listen to the things that are going on around me. I took time out to just be.
Last night, I took 300mg’s of Temador (chemo), 1mg of Kytril, 1 Compazine, and three Excedrin Extra Strength (along with my standard laxatives). I woke up this morning feeling pretty good except for the chemo headache that the Excedrin hasn’t touched. Its like little pins are going off in my brain, behind my eyes. (I like to think that it is the chemo attacking the stray cancer cells ;) ) I hear this is common, so I am not too concerned. The nausea has been minimal, although I remember waking up around 4am feeling sick but rolling over and going back to sleep.
I am not going to lie to you guys, I am struggling right now. I think that the constant go go go since April is finally catching up with me and I am feeling the effects of all the emotions of finally realizing that I have cancer. It wasn’t nearly this real a month ago.
I will tell you that I am rediscovering Gods love for me, even when I am down in the depths, He reminds me that I am loved. Even when I feel so very ugly, hairless, and just worn down, He reminds me that I am beautiful- When a certain song comes on the radio, or my kids say something that makes my heart stop, or Mark touches my hand as a passes by, He reminds me.
Cancer is an Emotional battle just as much as it is a physical one. It takes the cancer patient every bit of strength to fight off depression and loss of hope. And the fear of the unknown, it grips our souls.
But there is beauty in the Cancer experience also. Cancer patients have the ability to look at life through cancers eyes. To stop and listen to the birds chirp, to watch children playing on the playground, to spend long hours listening to the things and sounds going on around them. That is one of cancers many gifts.
To experience life, not just live it.
I am reading “When Words Heal” by Sharon Bray and one of the poems in the book, written by a girl named Kristen really touched me.
I thought cancer had taught me to
Be strong, to endure, to persevere, But
That wasn’t enough….
I thought I had learned patience
One day at a time, Slow and steady…
But that wasn’t enough…
Maybe then, the lesson is freedom.
Freedom of mind and of heart.
Freedom to just live
inside out
with open soul
unburdened
unhampered
today, tomorrow.
I will, I do, I did.
Freedom is such a beautiful thing. Freedom to just be, to feel, and to grow through the dreadful things that happen in all of our lives, not just mine, but yours too. We all have our own cancers- the things that we try to hide from everyone, including God. The things that we hurt the most over, that rip our hearts out, and drain us emotionally.
I am realizing so much through my journey with cancer. I am realizing that I am not as in control as I once thought I was. I am realizing that it is okay to hurt, it is okay to feel pain, it is okay to cry and to scream. Its okay to question God. Its okay to be depressed, as long as you don’t stay there for any great length of time.
Its okay to feel like you are the only one in the world who has ever experienced what you are going through. That doesn’t make you selfish, it doesn’t make you self absorbed. It doesn’t make you any less of a Christian. It makes you human.
More than anything, I am realizing that Gods Grace is sufficient. It really is.
If I Stand - Rich Mullins
There’s more that rises in the morning
Than the sun
And more that shines in the night
Than just the moon
It’s more than just this fire here
That keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger
Than this room
And there’s a loyalty that’s deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the giver
Of all good things
So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can’t, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
There’s more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There’s a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother’s
When her baby’s at her side
And there’s a loyalty that’s deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegence
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
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The Hammer Holds
A shapeless piece of steel, that’s all I claim to be
This hammer pounds to give me form, this flame, it melts my dreams
I glow with fire and fury, as I’m twisted like a vine
My final shape, my final form I’m sure I’m bound to find
So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I’ll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for thee, the hammer holds
And the water, it cools me gray, and the hurt’s subdued somehow
I have my shape, this sharpened point, what is my purpose now?
And the question still remains, what am I to be?
Perhaps some perfect piece of art displayed for all to see
So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I’ll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for thee, the hammer holds
The hammer pounds again, but flames I do not feel
This force that drives me, helplessly, through flesh, and wood reveals
A burn that burns much deeper, it’s more than I can stand
The reason for my life was to take the life of a guiltless man
So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I’ll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the pain
And hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is so bold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for thee, the hammer holds
This task before me may seem unclear
But it, my maker holds
Emma’s clinic went well, they were impressed with her echo and EKG. There is some questions about her liver, but she has always had a big liver so they said they would review her labs and get back to me on that. (IOW: we are not too concerned) There is also some question about her CO2 levels on her last blood draw, it was remarkably lower than the time before, but some of her immune-suppressant drugs cause renal tubular acidosis as does her Mitochondrial Disease so if her levels are low again, we will just add Bicitra to her meds again. Ill give a more detailed update once I hear from the Transplant Team.
Pray for me this week, it is Chemo week (and weekend). I start Thursday Night and end Tuesday Night, so if my posting seems lower than usual, I will be spending this week with my family.
Thanks for your prayers :)
-H
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