Stop. That is what my heart is telling me to do. Stop. Stop being so negative. Stop trusting what the doctors say to be 110% accurate. Stop moping around, thinking about death and dying, and start living. That, of course is what I have told you from day one of my diagnosis, and somehow I have gotten away from that mindset.
Because the truth is, Cancer can’t be trusted. Look at my history with it, I had no symptoms, no warning, it just hit me out of no where and completely blindsided me and my family.
But it didn’t blindside God. He knew, from the moment he formed me in my mothers womb… He knew.
Trust in the Lord with all of your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding.
I’ve gotten away from that scripture. Even though I know in my heart that nothing happens outside of His will for my life, I have doubted Him more this past two weeks than I have ever doubted Him. I have thought of death and my funeral and my families faces at my funeral (or by my death bed) more than I care to think about or remember. I actually called my mom frantically at work last week and all I could muster was “I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die.”
And those are normal valid feelings.
What is not normal is thinking about them for two weeks.
Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm,
for God can be trusted to keep his promises.
That is what I have been missing. It is okay to have bad days, in fact I would think something was wrong with me if I didn’t have bad days (and so would you!) But it is one thing to have bad days and a totally different thing to not put my trust my Savior that He will keep his promises.
He doesn’t promise me a tomorrow.
He doesn’t promise me healing, even though I pray for it daily.
He doesn’t promise me a life void of suffering.
I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me,
freeing me from all my fears….
I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and he heard me.
He set me free from all my fears.
Read that last line again. Fear, that is what He set me free from. Not from suffering, not from pain… Fear.
I can’t tell you the exact moment that I started doubting, its probably been a long time coming. I’ve slowly felt myself sinking for the last two weeks and really, I haven’t had the energy to pull myself out of it. But now I realize (I’ve always known this to be true) that I can’t do this on my own. I cant pull myself out of this on my own.
I can’t, but God can.
He will direct my path. I will, in all my ways, acknowledge Him.
He WILL direct my path
(I know that I will get lots of emails asking me if I am depressed, and I will say that once you get a diagnosis of cancer there is some depression that comes with it, but I personally don’t think it is bad enough to go on medication just yet. I think this is part of my healing process, part of my coping process and part of cancers lesson in my life. I promise that if it ever gets to that point, the point where I feel I need medication, I will seek the advice of my doctors )
So, as I face this next round of Chemo, and Mondays MRI, I am handing my fear over to the Lord. I am going to take my own advice and stop worrying about what tomorrow holds for me. I am laying that fear down. I cant promise that I wont pick it back up again, but I can say that I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want to lay in bed and think about how it feels to die, or picture my loved ones faces after I am gone at my funeral.
I want to live. No matter how much time I have on this earth, I want to live every moment to its fullest.
Because, after all, that is all I have been promised…This moment.