Trust and Cancer

Stop. That is what my heart is telling me to do. Stop. Stop being so negative. Stop trusting what the doctors say to be 110% accurate. Stop moping around, thinking about death and dying, and start living. That, of course is what I have told you from day one of my diagnosis, and somehow I have gotten away from that mindset.

Because the truth is, Cancer can’t be trusted. Look at my history with it, I had no symptoms, no warning, it just hit me out of no where and completely blindsided me and my family.

But it didn’t blindside God. He knew, from the moment he formed me in my mothers womb… He knew.

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding.
-Proverbs 3:5

I’ve gotten away from that scripture. Even though I know in my heart that nothing happens outside of His will for my life, I have doubted Him more this past two weeks than I have ever doubted Him. I have thought of death and my funeral and my families faces at my funeral (or by my death bed) more than I care to think about or remember. I actually called my mom frantically at work last week and all I could muster was “I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die.”

And those are normal valid feelings.

What is not normal is thinking about them for two weeks.

Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm,
for God can be trusted to keep his promises.
Hebrews 10:23

That is what I have been missing. It is okay to have bad days, in fact I would think something was wrong with me if I didn’t have bad days (and so would you!) But it is one thing to have bad days and a totally different thing to not put my trust my Savior that He will keep his promises.

He doesn’t promise me a tomorrow.
He doesn’t promise me healing, even though I pray for it daily.
He doesn’t promise me a life void of suffering.

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me,
freeing me from all my fears….
I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and he heard me.
He set me free from all my fears.
-Psalms 34:4,6

Read that last line again. Fear, that is what He set me free from. Not from suffering, not from pain… Fear.

I can’t tell you the exact moment that I started doubting, its probably been a long time coming. I’ve slowly felt myself sinking for the last two weeks and really, I haven’t had the energy to pull myself out of it. But now I realize (I’ve always known this to be true) that I can’t do this on my own. I cant pull myself out of this on my own.

I can’t, but God can.

He will direct my path. I will, in all my ways, acknowledge Him.

He WILL direct my path

(I know that I will get lots of emails asking me if I am depressed, and I will say that once you get a diagnosis of cancer there is some depression that comes with it, but I personally don’t think it is bad enough to go on medication just yet. I think this is part of my healing process, part of my coping process and part of cancers lesson in my life. I promise that if it ever gets to that point, the point where I feel I need medication, I will seek the advice of my doctors :) )

So, as I face this next round of Chemo, and Mondays MRI, I am handing my fear over to the Lord. I am going to take my own advice and stop worrying about what tomorrow holds for me. I am laying that fear down. I cant promise that I wont pick it back up again, but I can say that I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want to lay in bed and think about how it feels to die, or picture my loved ones faces after I am gone at my funeral.

I want to live. No matter how much time I have on this earth, I want to live every moment to its fullest.

Because, after all, that is all I have been promised…This moment. ;)

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Comments

  1. Heather,
    Bless you on your up days and on your down ones. I’m always thinking of you. Love your peach fuzz. :) Again, it’s those eyes that capture. I hardly notice the hair. (((hugs)))

  2. Heather,

    I love to read your blog. I hope you realize how many of us check in every day just to see how you are doing…good or bad!

    It’s certainly normal to be feeling down from time to time. I remember crying for no reason 6 months out of Steven’s diagnosis, and I wasn’t the one facing an illness and I wasn’t taking any medications that would alter my mood! It is just a normal reaction sometimes!

    We had an interesting talk in church yesterday morning about our human nature…and I think it’s important to remember that this you are in a very stressful place, completely out of your control, and it is only human to have these different emotions.

    But you keep coming back to the right place, with your eyes upward, and that is what is really important to remember.

    Take care.

  3. Teresa from SC says:

    You are loved deeply, abide in his love. Prayers are with you.

  4. Dearest Jesus,
    We pray in Your mighty name that satan would have no foothold in Heather’s life. We pray that the spirit of fear and doubt be banished. We pray for peace and trust to flood her soul. We pray for confidence and steadfastness. We give thanks that even in the midst of what the enemy tries to do, Your glory still shines through! We give thanks for Your VICTORY over this fallen world we live in. We ask Jesus for an extra measure of Your grace & mercy to be poured out over Heather, annoint her head with it and wrap your arms around her, holding her close.
    In Your Victorious Name,
    AMEN and AMEN!
    Connie

  5. Heather,
    I am praying for you right now! I know exactly how you feel and I am so glad you realize that it is a laying down of our fears and handling them over to the Lord that will allow us to live. Sometimes it is a daily or even hourly laying down! You do not even realize that you have taken it back up for awhile sometimes.
    The person who said that you really are facing this alone is somewhat right. No-one can go through this experience for you, but God is going with you! He never leaves you or forsakes you and because His Spirit dwells in you, He is right there all the time. He is going through the chemo with you! He can relate!
    Sometimes the fear gets easier to handle…like when you are done with chemo, but every time a scan comes up, it is right back again. You will defintiely get so much practice and handing it over to the Lord!
    In some ways this is such a blessing…we get to be right where He desires for us to be…at His feet and relaizing our utter reliance upon Him.
    I encourage you to choose joy THIS day! Do not let the worry of tomorrow rob you of the joy of today. That was one of my mom’s favorite sayings to me!
    Thank you also for sharing the verses from Psalm 134. We read that chapter in church yesterday; verses 17 and 18 are some of my favorites.
    Thank you also for the reminder to trust in Him with all of our cares and worries.
    I am facing another scan this week and so I am relating to the worries you are facing as well.
    One of my favorite songs lately is “You are God Alone”. Do you know that one?
    I will be praying that you have a joy filled week and that the Savior will bear your burdens as you hand them over to Him.
    Love, Gina

  6. Whew! Let me tell you something, you PREACHED in this post. I want you to know that your words, and the emotions behind them, changed a life today! I believe I will ALWAYS remember what you wrote here. Fear is something that I have struggled with all the days of my life, and you have just given me the formula for breaking free from it. Thank you. And may God bless you. No, I know that God WILL bless you!

    Monica

  7. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Heather))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    Covering you in prayer from my home in NH.

  8. Just a note to let you know that I’m praying for you! I pray that you will have something extra special happen to you very soon….to symbolize a whisper from God….that he is indeed with you and will hold your hand and carry you on your “bad” days!

  9. africabarb says:

    Heather,

    Thank you for allowing God to use you to reach others. I too have had a hard couple weeks… not with cancer but with what appears to be God’s sovereign plan of a dramatic change in my life. You are so right…

    “He doesn’t promise me a tomorrow. He doesn’t promise me healing, even though I pray for it daily. He doesn’t promise me a life void of suffering. ” Psalms 34:4,6 ” Fear, that is what He set me free from. Not from suffering, not from pain… Fear.”

    Your sister in Christ… Barb

  10. Hello Heather,
    I am Praying For you and your family. Some shows you and your family might want to read are The Bible Cure for Cancer by Don Colbert, Dr. Jordin Rubin wrote a book also. Dr. Jordin Rubin is on TBN I think on Tuesdays. http://www.tbn.org Dr. Valerie Saxion is on TBN Tuesdays, Dr. Cherry I think wrote a Bible Cure book, Dr. McDougall and Dr. Ted Broer are on TBN sometimes. Dr. Jordin Rubin has given his Cancer Book away for free in the past. Dr. Lorraine Day who is a Breast Cancer survior has been on TBN in the Past. They have websites also. Read all the Healing Scriptures. This is something I found in a Book as follows: Every morning, lean thine arms awhile upon the window-sill of Heaven, and gaze upon the Lord…then, with that vision in thy heart, turn strong to meet the day.
    –Unknown. Scripture: Have no fear; do not be dismayed, for the battle is in God’s hand, not yours. 2 Chronicles 20:15, NEB)

  11. I was diagnosed with cancer last week. We do not yet know where the primary is or where we will go next.

    I can not make up my mind how I feel. I am happy because I don’t hurt anymore (they removed the mass that was causing the pain) but I am really annoyed at the uncertainty of the future and the fact that I DO NOT want to have cancer.

  12. way to go Heather. Talk yourself back into it ! :) Love the scriptures you added.

    Re: depression. I had many people come to me telling me to ask my doctor about medication. In the end I decided not to. There were many days (Especially after my surgery!) where I was VERY depressed. But clincial depression is different from cancer depression… and its up to the patient (and our God) to decide which kind we have.

    Still praying for you. “Heavenly Father, thank you for your servant Heather. Thank you that she has decided to make her relationship with you so public, especially during this crazy time in her life. Thank you that you are using her to touch other people’s lives. I pray that you would BLESS her for blessing us (her readers) so much. Lord Jesus, I pray for Healing. I pray for healing in the hearts of her readers, in Heather’s heart, and Jesus, I pray for HEALING in her BODY. I pray that she would continue live out her cancer days in PRAISE and THANKFULNESS to you. May others see this good deed, of giving credit where credit is due, and praise you. please protect her against Satan’s lies, and put your truth in full measure in her heart. I pray this in the powerfull name of Jesus Christ, Amen”

  13. It sounds like you are processing all this in such a healthy way. Thank you so much for your honesty and what you wrote in this post. It really “hit the spot” for me, and reminded me of some things God has taught and reminded me in my own struggles.

    Even though I’ve never met you, I love you, Sister; thank you so much for sharing your journey with us!

  14. I’m so very happy for you!

  15. Heather, you are beautiful, so very beautiful.

  16. Thank you, Heather, for sharing your journey with us. You’re a blessing.
    Praying along with you in your daily “laying it down.”
    (((HUGS)))
    :)

  17. Trust and Cancer

    Heather I wanted to recommend a book for you to read after reading about Trust and Cancer by you. It’s called a Thousand Tomorrows by Karen Kingsbury. I think it will encourage you about enjoying the time you have living each day to the fullest when your not to sick or tired of course. :) Praying for you daily.
    Thankyou for your ministry here.
    I’ve met you once at your church. I know someone that goes to your church. :)

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