Stop. That is what my heart is telling me to do. Stop. Stop being so negative. Stop trusting what the doctors say to be 110% accurate. Stop moping around, thinking about death and dying, and start living. That, of course is what I have told you from day one of my diagnosis, and somehow I have gotten away from that mindset.
Because the truth is, Cancer can’t be trusted. Look at my history with it, I had no symptoms, no warning, it just hit me out of no where and completely blindsided me and my family.
But it didn’t blindside God. He knew, from the moment he formed me in my mothers womb… He knew.
Trust in the Lord with all of your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding.
-Proverbs 3:5
I’ve gotten away from that scripture. Even though I know in my heart that nothing happens outside of His will for my life, I have doubted Him more this past two weeks than I have ever doubted Him. I have thought of death and my funeral and my families faces at my funeral (or by my death bed) more than I care to think about or remember. I actually called my mom frantically at work last week and all I could muster was “I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die.”
And those are normal valid feelings.
What is not normal is thinking about them for two weeks.
Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm,
for God can be trusted to keep his promises.
Hebrews 10:23
That is what I have been missing. It is okay to have bad days, in fact I would think something was wrong with me if I didn’t have bad days (and so would you!) But it is one thing to have bad days and a totally different thing to not put my trust my Savior that He will keep his promises.
He doesn’t promise me a tomorrow.
He doesn’t promise me healing, even though I pray for it daily.
He doesn’t promise me a life void of suffering.
I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me,
freeing me from all my fears….
I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and he heard me.
He set me free from all my fears.
-Psalms 34:4,6
Read that last line again. Fear, that is what He set me free from. Not from suffering, not from pain… Fear.
I can’t tell you the exact moment that I started doubting, its probably been a long time coming. I’ve slowly felt myself sinking for the last two weeks and really, I haven’t had the energy to pull myself out of it. But now I realize (I’ve always known this to be true) that I can’t do this on my own. I cant pull myself out of this on my own.
I can’t, but God can.
He will direct my path. I will, in all my ways, acknowledge Him.
He WILL direct my path
(I know that I will get lots of emails asking me if I am depressed, and I will say that once you get a diagnosis of cancer there is some depression that comes with it, but I personally don’t think it is bad enough to go on medication just yet. I think this is part of my healing process, part of my coping process and part of cancers lesson in my life. I promise that if it ever gets to that point, the point where I feel I need medication, I will seek the advice of my doctors 
)
So, as I face this next round of Chemo, and Mondays MRI, I am handing my fear over to the Lord. I am going to take my own advice and stop worrying about what tomorrow holds for me. I am laying that fear down. I cant promise that I wont pick it back up again, but I can say that I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want to lay in bed and think about how it feels to die, or picture my loved ones faces after I am gone at my funeral.
I want to live. No matter how much time I have on this earth, I want to live every moment to its fullest.
Because, after all, that is all I have been promised…This moment. 
Worry is like taking tomorrows clouds and putting them on todays sunshine!
love you -
Great advice fo all of us!!
Beautiful as always. I love reading your words- they truly teach me about how to live my life for today and not to worry about tomorrow; He has the future covered no matter what my mind says. God Bless
Heather,
You’re amazing, because you’re exactly like any of us.
I’m just crazy about you. Thanks for writing.
hello dear one – i’ve been following along with you for quite some time and want to affirm what everyone else here has said: i admire your courage, your honesty and most of all, your grace.
i am wondering something, and perhaps i’ve missed it from before – do you attend any support groups or counseling? perhaps there is a different spin that can be put on this with regard to dealing with it, being reassuring from others who have *been there/going through it* that would help you along. even a one-on-one therapist may be of assistance; i know when i went through a very dark period of my life about five years ago, i went to one and she gave me some tools that helped pull me out of a pit — and she was a Christian, too.
praying for you…
Heather,
Some years ago when I was about 3 years into my Chemo I got extremely depressed but missed all the early warning signs. Please don’t leave things too long before seeking some assistance with this. As I have said to you before I have now been having Chemo for 15 years and intend to still be around for another or so.
Look after yourself Please. do.
Lots of Love Carolynn.
You aren’t depressed, not even near it. Depression I have had, and neither of us are anywhere near it. Depression isn’t a bad day, depression is when normal activities which we enjoy are no longer fun but a burden. It isn’t like we have nothing in our lives which is bothering us and we are therefore down. No, we both have a disease which is threatening our time with our families, our children and our friends and we are reacting to that with shock, with pain, with numbness and with grief.
THAT, my dear dear Heather, is completely and utterly normal and I would defy anyone on this earth to not react as we are.. That you are coming out of it with God’s help is a testament to your faith and a natural turn of the wheel…
Thinking of you, of where you are, and holding your hand through this sisterhood of fear..
Minerva
Heather,
What you are going through is normal, normal in the sense that cancer does some strange things to people and we all react differently. Continue to lean on the Lord and he will get you through this like no one else can. Rather then dwell on the negative thoughts, just imagine what it would be like for someone going through what you are going through without the Lord by their side. That would be depressing and scary. Also, try to talk to someone in your support group, it will help the negative thoughts.
Continuing with hugs and prayers,
Norma
Yes, Heather, He delivers us from fear which is the enemy of our faith. Thank you for reminding me of this…
Yes, Live every moment, as we all should, doing what He beckons you to do…and thank you for trusting us with all of this.
All my love,
Linda
Dear Heather,
A cancer diagnosis does change things and makes us look at life very
differently. Chemo makes us feel like we are walking upstairs with lead space suits on, and sometimes thoughts feel lead coated also. A lot of it is the drugs and their effects. And the other part is our human reality that life has been changed. It is natural to feel fearful. I am sure thats why there are so many references to fear in the bible and His promises that He is with us and will never leave us. These promises are lifelines during the sinking times. Reach up and grab the promises each time you feel it creeping in on you. You are so right, Cancer cannot be trusted, but God is always trustworthy and He will never fail you. Even your down times are beautiful Heather because they always draw your eyes back to Jesus, the one who loves you the most. Praying for you dear friend, that the next
round will be different and ever so gentle on you.
“Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of this earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace”.
That’s the song going through my head right now:)
Have a wonderful weekend and make some really good memories with your family as you keep casting those cares to Him. It is a daily process and you are pleasing Him.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
I don’t think you sound depressed at all. You sound normal. You sound like you have a fighting spirit within you. You sound like you’re trusting your God. You sound good, girl.
Heather,
Thanks for the reminder that none of us know how many days we have on this earth. Only our creator does.
Please know that your trials and strenghths are ministring to so many of us. Your words a light unto our path.
I will continue to pray for you and your sweet family, especially that new round of chemo. May you come through it with flying colors.
Warmly,
Julie
((((((((((((((((((((((((Heather))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
First of all Heather, I think it is totally normal to be worried. What mother wouldn’t be? You love your babies and you are concerned about what the future holds.
Thing is, you have an edge! You are a believer sweetie! You know that God wants the best for you and your family! Remember, He loves your children even more than you do or can even imagine! He will look out for them! Just keep trusting Him!
Earlier this week, I heard some scripture, and immediately thought of you and what you are going through. I’m hoping it will help:
1 In those days Hezekiah became mortally ill. And Isaiah the prophet the son of Amoz came to him and said to him, “Thus says the LORD, ‘Set your house in order, for you shall die and not live.’†2 Then he turned his face to the wall and prayed to the LORD, saying, 3 “Remember now, O LORD, I beseech You, how I have walked before You in truth and with a whole heart and have done what is good in Your sight.†And Hezekiah wept bitterly. 4 Before Isaiah had gone out of the middle court, the word of the LORD came to him, saying, 5 “Return and say to Hezekiah the leader of My people, ‘Thus says the LORD, the God of your father David, “I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; behold, I will heal you. On the third day you shall go up to the house of the LORD. 6 “I will add fifteen years to your life, and I will deliver you and this city from the hand of the king of Assyria; and I will defend this city for My own sake and for My servant David’s sake.â€â€™â€ [II Kings 20:1-6]
Keep praying Heather! Keep trusting the Lord to deliver you. He may not promise to heal you, but He promises to answer our prayers!
Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. [John 14:13]
Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven. [Matthew 18:19]
Love you Sweetie! My prayers continue to be with you and your family! (((hugs)))
Heather,
I remember a day towards the end of my treatment…I was SO low. As the baby jumped up from his diaper change he accidently bumped me in the face. I started crying. Three HOURS later I still couldn’t stop crying. You’re right. Bad days happen but that doesn’t change who God is.
Have you read John Piper’s essay, “Don’t waste your cancer?”. It really helped give me refreshing perspective several times during my bad days by pointing me back to the word.
Thanks for being so open. You are loved with an everlasting love.
Heather
What really struck me in your post Heather, was the realization that although you have so many people supporting you, ultimately you face this trail alone. By that I mean that none of us can face your fear for you or your concerns or the chemo. We all pray for you but we be where you’re at. And I say this not to draw attention to anything negative but to say that I think it’s completely normal what you’re going through and PRAISE GOD He is helping you through to the other side of these emotions. I can’t imagine dealing with all you are going through. You have shown all of us that God’s grace is sufficient. There’s a song that says:
Even in the valley, God is good.
Even in the valley, He is faithful and true.
He carries His children through, like He said He would.
Even in the valley, God is good.
I have found that to be true in my own life, even when I don’t like the valley
I’m still praying praying for you and for your family.
(Christina thought of the same story I did–about Hezekiah!)
It’s ok to be afraid but not live in it–exactly right! When we listen to the world (the doctors, our flesh, whatever) that’s when we are guided by fear..that’s just the stuff we SEE. That’s why we’ve got to walk by faith–what’s God doing in the spiritual realm?! Calming fears. Healing. Bringing peace.
Always praying.
It is so obvious how much God is speaking to you in your life. He is so crazy about you. His love for you is evident in your writings. He is so concerned about you Heather.
Have an awesome weekend sweetie!
(((Oh Heather))) Although any day closer to death is a day closer to Jesus, it’s hard to face when knowing how your loved ones will feel when that time comes(whether it be while you’re young OR old) But no matter when that day comes, the feelings you feel will be gone. When you get to heaven, you won’t worry about your family. Saying goodbye is only a millisecond. When you open your eyes you’ll be with Him. Time won’t matter in heaven. You won’t experience a feeling of ‘loss’ or of ‘missing’ your family. The enemy wants to steal every last moment of Joy that you want to have with your family. Any time those feelings come, read every verse on Joy that there is. He wanst our joy to be full Heather.
I have no idea what this is like for you. But although I’m not ill, as a mom, I still have those feelings of ‘what if’ something happened to me. For you it’s stronger due to what you are facing, but we all do face the same fears. Maybe it seems easier for me to fight the enemy on that, but when it all comes down to it, none of us know when our last day will be. You may very well live many more years than I will.
(((hugs))))
Heather…
I don’t hear depression at all. What I see as I read is fear of what this cancer holds in your life.
Your pretty normal the way I see it.
Cancer can rob us of so much and that is scary. That makes us fight all the harder.
When I read * I don’t want to die!* That validates that your fighting really hard do live. I don’t hear depression at all. I hear fear..fear of the unknown. Fear of what this means to you and your family. Grief all of that.
Your right cancer can’t be trusted. We have to stay vigilant and keep fighting it. Cancer robs us of enough. But your fighting back and you will do the best you can.
Fear of what cancer can do…is normal. Don’t let anyone say it isn’t. Its part of the package. Depression can be to..but they are two totally different things.
You are fighting for time and to get on the other side of this..and for much more.
You have one thing thats some don’t have or lose , Thats faith..Hold tightly to it Heather it will carry you when things seem overwhelming.
I to am reaching out to hold your other hand through the fear. Sending uplifting prayers as well.
Always Hope , Kerry
Oh, dear, sweet, Heather, all those feeling are normal, I’m sure. And the medicine could have a lot to do with it. Try to remember the scripture that God did not give us the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. I know that is hard for you. Read the Psalms, they are comforting. Try to focus on the Lord, peace and healing scriptures. I know, I know I would have the same struggles you are having, I’m sure. Great post today, Heather and a very good decision.
Amen Sister!
I find it hard to trust in God sometimes, too. Yet, HE is ALWAYS faithful. All we have to do is turn and look at Him!
Keep fighting and keep livin’!
Praying for you dear Heather as you face the uncertainty that is cancer. One thing is certain and that is your faith and our God. He can and will do big things in your life.
Mandy
GA
http://www.madelinegracehopkins.blogspot.com
Heather,
I am praying for God to strengthen you and lift you out of this place and restore you trust in Him. Thank you for your honesty and humility and the privelage of praying with you!
Natalie
Such wonderful, loving responses to your words, Heather! We are here on this earth at this time for Him and for His purposes – you are a beautiful daughter of the King – run to Him, soak in His words and I for one will continue to hold you and yours up to the Throne of Grace, daily!
I have been blessed to have found your blog. You have touched my heart and given me more faith in the sovereignty of the Lord in all of our lives.
Take care and my prayers for peace are with you.
Oh Sweet Heather,
As you recount moment by moment all the Miracles God has done in your life strength grows!
No symtoms and a doctor that doesn’t just give you antibiotics for an ear infection…a miracle.
Being seen by two doctors and a referal to Mayo within weeks of diagnsis, a mircle.
Finances to see that all of you are able to be at Mayo including Emma, A miracle.
An operation on a NON-operable tumor, a miracle
A voice that not only loves to sing to the Lord but does so in key after brain surgery, a Miracle.
A good radiation – chemo facility close enough to keep you all together, a miracle.
A letter from a daughter that is praising the Lord as she kisses you another day she wasn’t sure would come, a miracle.
Blogs friends that have walked this walk before you to share their tips and the fac that THEY are still here to remind you it is the Lord that numbers our days and not doctors. That’s a miracle too!
And those are the ones after Emma’s. Her miracles have brought you through to the place where you can stand on these.
The scriptures do say we will have fear, God created all of our emotions. The word says when Fear comes upon me I will put my trust in you Lord. Very agressively I will PUT in in the Lord! And when I fall down, and I know I will because scripture says a Righteous man falls seven times and it also says he rises! Praise the Lord!
The Joy of the Lord is our strength and our song.. SSIC sing! You do that so well. Sing and sing and sing some more. Only slaves hang up their harps by the rivers of Babylon and you are not a slave. Circumstances have you ill and everything seems cloudy, but Joy has not left you. It is all over your words , your face , your heart.
Twila Paris has many but maybe this one will get you through , It has brought me through so many times.
Sometimes my little heart can’t understand
What’s in Your will what’s in Your plan
So many times I’m tempted to ask You why
But I can never forget it for long
Lord what You do could not be wrong
So I believe You even when I must cry
Chorus:
Do I trust You Lord does the robin sing
Do I trust You Lord does it rain in Spring
You can see my heart You can read my mind
And You’ve got to know I would rather die
Than to lose my faith in the One I love
Do I trust You Lord?
Do I trust You?
I know the answers I’ve given them all
But suddenly now I feel so small
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul
I know the doctrine and theology
But right now they don’t mean much to me
This time there’s only one thing I’ve got to know
Chorus 2:
Do I trust You Lord does the river flow
Do I trust You Lord does the North wind blow
You can see my heart You can read my mind
And You’ve got to know I would rather die
Than to lose my faith in the One I love
Do I trust You Lord
Do I trust you
Chorus 3:
I will trust You Lord when I don’t know why
I will trust You Lord ‘til the day I die
I will trust You Lord when I’m blind with pain
You were God before and You’ll never change
I will trust You, I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You, I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You, I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord
Because of Jesus, Bobbie
There’s a crowd in heaven watching over you and cheering you on…’C'mon Heather….you can do it….keep going!’
You know, Heather, you sound like I did two years ago when I was diagnosed as being a 45-year-old female with a severe case of heart failure. I had to wait for six months to see if the drugs would turn my life around or if I would end up going on the heart transplant list (something I wasn’t really sure I wanted to even consider…)
I cried and struggled and wrestled with God. I got down and got back up and played tennis, lobbing my fear back and forth with God. And I came to the same conclusion that you did – that there’s only so much worrying can fix and then you have to trust in God that no matter WHAT the outcome – He will make it all, in the end, be okay.
Those who have never lived through this kind of mortal scare will never understand. They can read the words and say their “amens” but until they have their life hanging by a thread it will never mean what it means to those of us who have.
I’m doing quite well now. The drugs worked. At least for now. God and I are closer than ever and I am more grateful for every single day of my life than I could ever imagine possible – even the really crappy ones. But when it is finally my time to go, I’ll manage that somehow, too. Remember – it is only an instant between heaven and earth until we see our loved ones all again and it is only an instant between earth and heaven and seeing the face of the one that knit us.
Try to remember that. It will ALL be okay.
Heather,
Yes you are human…you have permission to feel…to grieve the lost time doing things you use to do or that you want to do but somehow cannot due to (you fill in the blanks). You are doing the right things by refocusing on God. You have a fantastic support group…use them. Some of the comments that I read are so wonderful and heartfelt. There are so many out there that have been touched by you…I hope now “we” can touch you…and instill peace, blessed peace. In the mist of the hurricane of life, may you find your core and treasure it…your God, your family…and be comforted know that what you do is more than enough. We will take that.
Many blessings,
Paula
I know all of what your saying. I was given 18 months and it has been 12 already. I fear everything you say …. I am so sorry for both of us to leave what we have here, but the wonder of where we are going has me excited too….
Please ask your Dr. for some stress pills…they really help me ‘live better’ days….it is too exhausting ‘worring all the time’…it takes all the energy we could be applying somewhere else like with our families….there is no shame asking for some help….thats why it is there.
Wow. The exact same verse has been in my mind and on my heart all week long. I had to have two MRI’s this week for health issues (all is fine, praise be to our Lord) and I was letting FEAR take over. Then those words popped into my head. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.
God is good. He can and He will cast out your fear.
Live, Heather. You’re really, really good at it.
God bless,
~Leah in Alaska~
God Bless you Heather….. 100 000 fold! the seeds that you sow in your realness are hitting the mark and resonating with many many hearts.
You are so beautiful. And those eyes — wow. Gorgeous.
I second what the commenter above said about pills. It’s really not too soon to start feeling a little lighter. They really don’t “alter” you significantly; they just take the edge off a bit. Everything seems a little less stressful, and you’ll find yourself worrying less, too. I promise.
I take Paxil and love it. I started taking it after my dad, sister and mom died… but only after I had pushed down my feelings and told myself I was handling everything well and focusing on the good in life. Who needed pills?! Not me! Not until I started having anxiety attacks so severe that my whole left side would go numb (and I thought I was having strokes — thus keeping those anxiety attacks going nice and strong). I finally gave in and rushed to the ER (sure I was dying), only to find out it was something that was all brought on by stress. Stress that I didn’t think was “that bad.”
Anyway.
Just sayin’.
WOW.. .just as i started reading this, Proverbs 3:5 came into my head and then there it was…. Also Phil 4:13….
hugs and blessings
gp in montana
I’m so glad I’ve found you. You’re such an inspiration and so courageous. I have been praying for you daily…*hugs*
Heather, you have such a way with words. My heart aches for you, my dear. And I continue to pray. I will pray that God takes away your fear. Right now. ((hug))
(((Heather))),
In the blink of an eye, we’ll all be rejoicing together in His presence.
Until then, you set your mind to living each day that God continues to give you. We all have so much to learn about living and loving from you.
Blessings,
~Toni~
Hi Heather.. You know I was just telling my husband that tonight even before I read your post.. What a confirmation when I saw your post today.. I have been off chemo for a couple weeks for my liver because I was not responding as hoped for. but you know I actually found me again..somehow I lost me in the six months of treatment. I guess the side effects of everything being put into my body buried me somewhere.
The uncurable part of my illness left me feeling like life was over, even with my faith in God I battled the voices of doom. yet it wasn’t me speaking doom but the enemy within trying to make me give up and give in to his lies. Sure one day I will go home to be with the Lord, but just as sure as God had a time for me to be born, only he knows the time I will be taken home. I will start maintanance chemo soon, I a part of me dreads it, but like I told my husband God is greater than this illness and he has spoken in me his words of life as I read his promises..and life is in his words and as long as I have his word in me I will live, and so will you my dear sister in christ. For greater is he that is in us, than he that is in the world….. Hugz Joyful
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
Heather, you have always been so bold and courageous throughout this battle with cancer. But you’ve also been real and vulnerable. You have shown every side and as I read your post today, it strikes me that this is just another one of those very real challenges you face on a daily basis. No, you don’t sound depressed. You sound human. Your faith also does not sound weak or wavering, it sounds real. Keeping an eternal perspective is such a challenge when it is the earthly world we’ve been groomed to treasure, simply because this is where we live today. As always, I respect you greatly for making the disciplined choice to return to Scripture and have God’s truth influence your emotions. It is a choice to feel what we know is true, and to not feel what we fear in our emotions. I’ll pray for you this week, dear, Heather, to fear not for the Lord is with thee.
Elisa
Heather – You know today our Pastor did a message on the whole grieving process and he said that it doesn’t only happen when someone passes away, it happens all the time, and maybe you are just goign through the grieving process of your old life the life without cancer, and if you are depressed then this is the phase next to acceptance! You will get through, and you are right God is the only one that can get you there. You are doing great, I love your new picture up with Emma, and I am always praying for you! – God Bless, Heather Bixler
A great post. I needed to read it. I’ve been extremely depressed lately myself. God bless.
God bless you, sweet Heather!
You go girl!
Praying for you Heather, that God will give you what you need when you need it… even if it is experiencing the doubt so that you can hand it back to Him. God and I wrote a song this week and the chorus says, “Quiet me with Your love O God. Won’t You sing over me? I don’t know how to be still, but I know that You are God.” My prayer is that You would KNOW God’s gaze is lovingly fixed upon you and never, never leaves you and that He would quiet you with His love. I am so relieved the verse in Zeph. 3 doesn’t say we are to quiet ourselves because He loves us, but that HE will quiet us with His love. Bless you!
What if? WHAT IF? WHAT IF God keeps the number of our days unknown so that we don’t focus on how many days we have left but instead we are called to focus on what we can do with how many days we may or may not have left.
I don’t have cancer. But my days are guaranteed. I may be called home tomorrow and no doctor can tell me that.
Nobody but God knows the number of your days. And only He knows how you will finish those days. You could live a hundred years and be called in a peaceful sleep. We could all be taken in a glorious rapture tonight. We don’t know. Your doctor doesn’t know. You don’t know.
What if it isn’t about when we are called but what we do with the time in between? And we can’t accomplish anything if we are focusing on the things we fear/dread/hate/loathe or even long for.
You are so incredibly normal as far as I can tell and if you keep the wonderful words of God tucked in your heart, you will land on your feet every time.
Prayers and hugs….
My friend, you are loved by so many, and prayed for by thousands, and always being lifted up throughout the dailyness of your days. God’s hands are reaching out to you through so many, blessing you, blessing us. Saw some old friends of yours and ours tonight, and they asked about you. We had dinner with Phil and Sunni and their beautiful 3 year old daughter, Saige. Phil continues to teach English at Raines High School but is preparing to go to Law School next year. They are doing well. I hadn’t written to you in awhile and just wanted to send my love to you this evening. Love you! Mae Beth
My prayer for you tonight my precious Heather:
May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God even our Father, who loves us and by his grace gave us “eternal encouragement and good hope”, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.
2 Thessalonians 2:16,17
Can’t wait for that GOOD REPORT! I’m trusting with you…
Susan
Heather, I remember those days with my husband. I would try to remind him that there are people who will die today that don’t have cancer…we aren’t promised tomorrow. We live today, we love today…every day we all have is a gift.
There are days where I can’t stand on my own…those are the days that the Lord lifts me and gets me through it.