It has been almost 8 months since I found out about my brain tumor (April) and almost 7 months since I found out I had cancer (May). I wish I could say that it has gotten easier knowing I have cancer, but honestly, it hasn’t… it has just become more normal, a new normal. 8 months ago my families world was turned upside down in a way that no ones should ever have to be, yet many peoples are. Cancer can leave devastating effects on not only your physical health, but your emotional health too. You feel invisible, yet like a bright exclamation point at the same time. You want to scream “I have cancer!” but you don’t want to draw any more attention to yourself than has already been drawn. You want your everyday boring life back, yet you know that it will never be that way again and there is nothing you can do about it. Once cancer has entered your life, it never leaves. Even if your body has no evidence of it, your mind still does.
So you try to protect it as much as possible, your heart too. But every once in awhile something creeps up and throws you down again, and you start the process all over again. Something reminds you of how bad this disease sucks and how insensitive it (and others) can be, and you hit rock bottom yet again. You watch television shows and inevitably every.single.one. has someone with cancer, or related to someone with cancer or friends with someone with cancer and it reminds you all over again that that someone is you.
You wonder if God sees you. If He hears you. If He cares. Deep down in your heart you know that He does, you know that this world is not your home, you know that this body is just a vessel, but it is still hard to trust that His way is perfect, even when you know that it is. You constantly remind yourself that He sees your every tear, yet you wonder how in the world can He hold them all because you have cried oh so much.
You try to be strong. You try to be a better person. You try…
But sometimes its okay not to be strong.
Its okay..
Jill Phillips-I am
Oh gently lay your head
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you
Like a mother while you rest
The tide can change so fast,
But I will stay
The same through the past,
The same in future, same today
I am constant; I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy; I am wise
I’m the only one who knows your heart’s desires
Your heart’s desires
Oh weary, tired and worn,
Let out your sighs
And drop that heavy load you hold
Cause Mine is light
I know you through and through;
There’s no need to hide
I want to show you love
That is deep and high and wide
I am constant; I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy; I am wise
I’m the only one who knows your heart’s desires
Your heart’s desires
Oh gently lay your head
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you
Like a mother while you rest
{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }
May God Bless and comfort you today Heather. Rest in his Love.
I love Jill Phillips, she is great. This would make a great intro for your book! Your blog not the music…we are excited to see new shots of your beautiful head of hair.
Wow, 9 months. It doesn’t seem as though I’ve been reading here that long. But then I look at my baby girl and the passage of time is so much more evident.
I haven’t commented in a while, but I did want to let you know you are still in my prayers-for rest when you need rest, for energy when you need energy, for a gentle touch when you need a gentle touch. The Lord bless you and your family today!!
You are right…the mental and emotional part is always there and is so much harder to deal with than the physical. You are also right in the fact that it is a new “normal”. It is definitely not what we would have chosen for ourselves, but seeing that God has allowed this, we have to view the new “normal” as even better because it is part of His plan. I know that it is so much harder to think like that when you are still in the midst of treatment and feeling bad, but one day you will. God has already used you mightily for His kingdom and I know He will continue to. I continue to pray for you every day. There are many who pray for you and love you even though we have never met you. We have a bond because we are sisters in the Lord ( and some are cancer sisters as well)! So keep on keeping on, Heather! Run the race, fight the fight finish the course!
Love,
Gina
i sing this song to my 10 mo. old daughter as a lullabye! what a comfort it is to her, to me, and hopefully to you too!
Hi Sweetie,
Praying for you today that the Lord who watches over you constantly and loves you with all of His heart, that He be your strength. This road gets so weary at times and our minds seem to never let us shut off the fact of cancer and all that comes with it. I ask God to renew and refresh your mind with His pure HOPE, full of grace and love and comfort. You are such a blessing to me and I know this battle is the Lords through you, and He will be gentle with you as He uses you to shine His light to the world. Rest in the love He has for you and do not worry about being strong. He will be your strength as He has promised. I love you.
Laurie in Ca.
no words…just a big hug for you. ((())))
Prayed for you this morning. May God sustain you and may we all watch His miracle unfold in your life.
Hi Heather,
I am praying for you throughout the day when you come to mind (every day)
so many of us can’t even imagine and yet I find myself frantically hoping I never know and deeply fearing I will. Horribly insensitive to say, I know. I am sorry that I’ve only come to “know” you due to your blog. I am sorry that your life is so changed, so painful. I keep you in my prayers. My heart holds you up to heaven…
I love You (())
Sending you hugs, God’s peace and many blessings. Thank you for always being honest with us.
Sending some cyber ((hugs)) from here as well. Praying for peace and rest.
You are right…His power is made perfect in weakness.
We all love you. I am also sending a big hug.
i haven’t had internet access for awhile but i have been keeping you in prayer and will continue to do so.
Wow…it has been that long!? And at the same time I ask, hasn’t it been longer? I bet you do, too. But you have, so gracefully, exposed a portion of this hardened world to a beautiful grace in the midst of more feelings and events than one should have to endure in an entire lifetime, let alone 9 months.
And yet, here you are, still sharing your experience and the faith you have continued to cultivate through it all. And here we are, still praying faithfully for you. And still thanking God joyfully for you.
Peace and blessings to you Heather. Your life is very worthy of celebrating!
Oh Heather, you have written exactly what I am feeling but did not know how to put into words! I was diagnosed with uterine cancer on September 18th and life has not been the same since. My cancer was removed from my body but not my mind. I still am struggling with physical healing and even more with emotional healing.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for validating what I am thinking and feeling.
I feel as though someone understands.
God Bless You!
It will get better, Heather, it will.
Steven’s diagnosis and all of it’s implications still invades our minds, usually at the most unexpected time.
But 2 1/2 years out, it really does get better.
Hang on!
I couldn’t have put it better myself! I can definitely relate to your words and it really inspired me. Thanks.
Rachel
http://iamobsessedwithlife.blogspot.com/
Although I can see where it might depend on the type of cancer one has, I have reached a place where I no longer think of myself as a “cancer patient.” Granted, I am still a “cancer survivor,” but as I’ve accepted arthritis (not lovingly) so have I accepted “chemo brain” as part of the “new normal.” It takes a while, but it is possible to get there.
Take care.
As you walk through your new normal on the days that it is not okay, know that you have Sisters in Christ that are holding you up on the battlefield. Our shields are locked together and we are surrounding you, praying for your deliverence and praising God for another Thanksgiving, Another birthday, another Christmas and beseeching God for many many more.
Because of Jesus, Bobbie
“But sometimes its okay not to be strong.”
I immediately thought of these verses:
2 Cor 12:9-10
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Go ahead and be weak. God’s got you covered. Praying for you, sweet Heather.
Your transparency ministers to me and has for the last 8 months since I’ve started reading your blog. I haven’t commented in a while but I think and pray for you often.
Your words, as usual, are powerful and hit the mark for me today. Shalee’s Corinthians citation also helped. It’s been 8 months for me, too. So many similarities in our journies. Different cancers but so many similaries and I thank you for your blog and faithful insight.
I found my tumor in late March and it was confirmed as breast cancer on 4/3/07. Tomorrow is more of the ongoing surgery to rebuild my body that has been changed forever. Fear is here today as I prepare to once again put my control in the hands of surgeons. It has remained in God’s hands…the one constant.
Tears come without warning these days, hair is slow to grow back and I miss it…especially with the cold weather! Chemo brain is so frustrating that I just need to continue to laugh at myself…or more tears will follow.
So many blessings have been bestowed on me and those I love since my diagnosis. I now see my new “normal” as a small price to pay for the miracles I’ve witnessed around me. Maybe “I” didn’t get the miracle I thought I’d get but as you said before, none of this was a surprise to God…it’s all been in His plan forever. He has known how long we’d be on this Earth since before we arrived.
I will continue to pray for you and our fellow cancer and faithful brothers and sisters.
Heather,
Your transparency is such a blessing to so many. You are in my prayers.
Take care,
Paula
Ya know what Heather. There was a time when I was facing a giant of my own and everyday I was reminded of how much better everyone else’s lives were. It was painful and not easy to deal with. People said they loved me, prayed for me, and sent food as needed, but it didn’t take away what I was feeling. No one can say they know how you feel, unless they face the same exact circumstances, and they won’t. Every person who has cancer has a different set of circumstances in their lives. Each individual has different feelings about it. Similar maybe, but not the same. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and ease your burdens, but I can’t. I can only pray. I also know that hearing “We’re praying for you” doesn’t take away the pain either. One day we’ll be in heaven and we can rejoice together and worship the Lord side by side. Truly this world is not our home, we’re just a passin’ through. God is using you, even in the midst of cancer, you are still fulfilling His purpose for your life. ((((hugs))))
I so could have written this post…even a year after diagnosis and six months post treatment.
When does your Mothering Through Cancer group meet again? My in-laws have offered child care for my youngest to let me come and hang out!
Hang in there.
Heather
just beautiful!!
hahaha…
Always,
Crusty~
keeping all of you in my prayers..I’m glad I found you by way of dear Kelly Jean in MOOOHAAAAHHH
Heather..is been over years since my dx and today is a not so strong day. Just got in from my onco appointment and need another biopsy. Sighs.
Its okay…it really is. We are not strong all the time.
All our life’s are different but I think when cancer comes in to our lives so many feelings are the same. And we cycle through processing what we feel for the time and move on. Sometimes its so hard.
Sometimes I don’t want to hear about it or talk about. Other days I am strong and can.
I agree that God is using us and that He is right there taking on the pain and hardships we feel due to all of it.
I just wanted you to know at times even long term survivors feel that way..Your not alone in those feelings. I use to think why do I have to be so overwhelmed with all of this and my family to. Then I finally decided that was my will. Not God’s, its taken me a long time to realize in the quiet of cancer . God has made big changes in my life..for the better I just never knew before in my hurried pace how much he was working and how hard.
Amazing God of ours!!
I am praying Heather. If it helps I do empathize with you..on the feeling. Having been there in lots of ways.
Hugs Hope
I love seeing your dad’s comments…
Hugs to you, Heather.
Blessings,
K
Cherie Adams also has a wonderful song called “Powerless”. You can hear a clip here: http://cherieadams.com/music.htm
well said…
Oh, dear, sweet, Heather, we won’t think that it “never leaves.” But I’m sure it feels like that. Praying for you. That is such a beautiful, lovely song!
aw,Heather! I have no words to comfort you…God does though.
I find strength in Philippians 4:6-9
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.
9 The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
May you be comforted with the Peace of Christ. He indeed holds you in the palm of His hand.
Peace be with you,
Annamaria
Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your faith with us. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as well as all your family.
Thank you Sister! Your prayers, your words, our God–all so very much a wonderful part of this journey. He is worthy…and I thank Him for you, for the depth of your beauty.
Love you much in Him,
Holly
PS I’m going to try and put your button on my sidebar. I am still timid in trying these new-fangled things
Praying right back for you.
I can totally picture myself at the grocery store wanting to scream that out…”I have cancer!”…just so people know how much I had going on deep inside of my heart and mind.
That was such a mind-provoking statement, Heather.
He does hear you, and He does carry every tear for you. We just got news that our Pastor’s wife, also a Pastor, may have thyroid cancer. We are praying against it.
I am praying for you.
Heather,
I loved reading this post. And needed it. Am still checking on you and praying for you and your family. Love your dad’s blog, too. Cancer changes everything but it doesn’t change who you are and WHOSE you are. Blessings to you this holiday season.
~Laurie in TN
Girl, I come here each day for an inspiration. You are such an amazing person. I love reading what you write. I also get that dose of self check with you. Am I praising Him for all that I can? Do I do enough or can I find a way to do more? Is there someone I can help, that I do not see? You are such a blessing. God Bless you for lifting me up each day.
Love you, Heather. I am praying for you and check in on you here each day. God bless.
Mandy
GA
http://www.madelinegracehopkin.blogspot.com
You continue to bless me as I follow your journey. I pray a wonderful day for you today.
Inspired by and praying for you today.
It’s been many months since I stumbled upon your blog. I think of you often, you are a strong and amazing woman with a wonderful voice and spirit. I pray you recover and become the wonderful person you are meant to be.
I pray that you can find comfort and rest in Him. I sometimes think of Jesus as a giant teddy bear, a huge hand to hold, with arms as wide as the ocean. I pray that you can nestle in the bosom of Christ and find peace. I am praying.
Oh Heather you captured this cancer thing so perfectly! I don’t have cancer but my 11 year old daughter does (she was diagnosed at the age of 9 and we are still fighting it). You wrote exactly how I feel as a mother who has a child with cancer. Thank you for sharing your your journey with us and for allowing us into your heart.
Praying for you and your family.
{{{hugs}}}
Through lots of linking, I found your blog today. I appreciate your honesty — Your insight is remarkable. Thank you for that vulnerability.