Doubt…

Meanwhile, the boat was far out to sea when the wind came up against them and they were battered by the waves. At about four o’clock in the morning, Jesus came toward them walking on the water. They were scared out of their wits. “A ghost!” they said, crying out in terror.

But Jesus was quick to comfort them. “Courage, it’s me. Don’t be afraid.” -Matthew 14:24-27

Ive been sitting here thinking about the doubt in my life. Is God really big enough to handle my cancer? Does he really understand the immensity of my current situation. Does he really care?

Peter, suddenly bold, said, “Master, if it’s really you, call me to come to you on the water.”

He said, “Come ahead.”

Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus. But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his feet, he lost his nerve and started to sink. He cried, “Master, save me!” -Matthew 14:28-30

Do I really believe that He can save me, That he cares about me and my current situation? I start out strong and faithful yet the farther I walk the more I take my eyes off of him and place them on my current situation. Then I start to sink. Drowning in lack of faith, lack of trust, lack of my Savior.

Jesus didn’t hesitate. He reached down and grabbed his hand. Then he said, “Faint-heart, why did you doubt?” -Matthew 14:31

Here is the kicker. I always assumed that Peter doubts Jesus. That his lack of faith in Jesus causes him to sink. But that isnt it. Peter doubts himself. He takes his eyes off of his Savior and realizes that he can’t walk on the water by his own strength. “Master, save me!” he cried, he didn’t doubt that Jesus could save him, or that he WOULD save him. He didnt doubt Jesus for one minute.

Jesus never doubted Peter. It was Peters doubt in himself that almost sunk him. That speaks volumes to me.

Jesus never doubts me either. Every time I fail, He picks me up without hesitation. He draws me closer to him and wraps his arms around me, and gently asks:

“Faint-heart, why did you doubt?”

I don’t doubt Him. I doubt me. I doubt that I have all of the answers, yet I continue to try to figure things out on my own. I doubt that I have the strength to fight like mad to beat this, yet I know in my heart that the end of my story is already written and I just need to chill and enjoy every moment that I am here. I doubt that I am doing enough, fighting hard enough, staying strong enough, yet I know that I cant even begin to have the strength to fight this on my own. Yet every time… I try. And everytime… I doubt. And everytime… He draws me back.

I believe that my cancer didnt take my God by surprise, but it sure took me by surprise. And I have doubted that I have the strength to fight this for the long haul… but I continually am reminded that I don’t have to “walk on this water” alone. In fact, He is longing to walk through this with me.

It is my doubt, not His lack of faith in me, that pushes him away.

This was the last thing that I read during my quiet time, and it hit me like a ton of bricks:

Jesus has faith that you can follow him, and that you can be like him.

He has faith in me, even when I don’t have faith in myself.

That is a beautiful thing.

Emma’s IEP went beautifully, I will give an update on that as soon as I can put all my thoughts together!