Worth Repeating…

I was going through my blog this morning, and found this post that I had written April 23 2006. I was at a different point in my life, worrying about Emma and trying to give up those “reigns” of control. Now I have different “reigns” of control to give up, and I can tell you that it doesn’t get any easier. I read this and thought “Who was that girl, and where can I get her strength?”. I replaced all the “Emma’s” with “Me’s”. I thought long and hard about where I was in all of this. Where I wanted to be, and how my flesh just wants to scream at the top of its lungs. “Its so not fair God!”

All human beings are just that, Human. All of us have issues, and all of us have “reigns” that we need must lay down at the foot of the cross. We all struggle with that, some more than others. I struggle with it daily every minute of the the day. I struggle with the meaning of my families heartache, and the purpose of all of this “mess”. I have had many many conversations with God that include the word “Why?”

He hasn’t answered me yet.

But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t hear me.

When Mark and I took Easton to the Revolve Tour, Natalie Grant was there, and she sang a song that has always always always meant something to me. The song she sang was “Held”. It was the song I played while writing the post below. It was the song that I stood up and raised my hands to at the conference. It is the song that speaks directly to my heart, and I pray that it speaks directly to yours this morning.

The post I wrote April 23 2006 along with the song I mentioned are below.


Sometimes there are no answers.

I believe strongly that as humans we are owed nothing. This has played a pivitol role in my coping with my daughters illness. Thru out the years we have been told so many things by other believers. That God would heal her if our faith was strong enough, that if we prayed hard enough and put the oil on her for head “just so”. If we walked under banners or laid hands on her.. God will heal her.

He hasn’t.

For along time, I battled with that. I battled with my faith and my “will” regarding what was best for her. I couldnt fathom that Christ would take this child from me, from her father and siblings. I couldnt fathom that loving caring savior would take my child away from me. So I began to reason with Him. If he would heal her, I would do x. In the end, here we are.

I realize now that there doesnt have to be a big miracle for this to have meaning. He doesnt have to heal her to give her beautiful life meaning.

I can expect it all I want to; it wont make it happen.

My father told me a few years ago, when I was really struggling with the reality of her disease:
“Heather, we all must die; there is no getting out of that. Emma will be healed, it just may not be on this side of heaven.”

Now, being a few more years out of the initial diagnosis I have grown quite a bit. I have realized that in the end, none of us “deserve” the grace we have been given. We can expect it, but it was never promised to us.

I don’t doubt that my savior loves my daughter even more than I do. I don’t doubt that her precious life has huge meaning, and that He is fully aware of what the future holds for her. It is hard for me to give up those reigns sometimes. It is hard to fully put her into His hands, but honestly, that is where she is safest and when he decides to keep her there permanently, He will grant me the grace to deal with the heartache.

Ive been listening to our Christian station today while working around the house and this song came on the radio. I sat and cried and realized that the only thing that any of us are promised is that He will never leave us.

Everything else is a gift.

Held By Natalie Grant
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

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  1. Teresa from SC says:

    Good to see your post this morning Heather. I have been “held” this week with my mom in the hospital. So many people have been prayers of support and I feel it. I am thankful.

  2. Oh, beautiful. I just watched a Nooma video by Rob Bell called “Open” that touches on this very thing. Amazing. I have been here (aren’t we all still?) too.


  3. Annonymous says:

    I cannot grasp this line of thinking, Heather. I would much rather not believe in anything than to believe god would have the power to heal my daughter but “choose” not to, or the power to heal me. Or that he is so all-knowing that he knows your struggles and piles more and more on top of you just to try to teach you something. That is sick. Do you walk around piling more pain on your children so they know the value of your love? No. Use common sense.
    Do you know the most frustrating thing for people like me?
    Here is what I see in your posts:
    – god allowed you to have cancer.
    – he allowed your daughter to have a fatal illness.
    – he allowed your other children to suffer along with you and your family and those who care about you.
    Then he requires you to thank him for all the horrible things you’re going through and apologize to him for being a normal human being and being upset by it. Then you spend your time begging and pleading with him to do something about all this pain only to come to your realization that he wants you to go through it so you can supposedly “grow” spiritually. Because you’re right, he’s never going to heal your daughter and you know that. Maybe man-made medicine will one day heal her and I hope it does. She deserves to live. God has not healed your cancer. Without chemo and radiation you’d be dead (or close to it) by now. That is not god. That is men who studied science. And I’ve heard the argument that god gave these doctors the wisdom. Whatever. Most doctors are atheists to begin with.
    Then you must recognize that you don’t deserve his supposed grace that you can never quite pinpoint what it is to begin with. You must feel guilty about absolutely everything you’ve ever done wrong. And then when something good happens you attribute it to god and claim you didn’t deserve such goodness. And it’s very important to say you don’t deserve it otherwise god will either never bless you again or possibly in some way smite you for being prideful.
    In the end you must thank him for it all and if you don’t jump through all of these hoops then you just might end up with god writing you off forever and you’ll end up with Satan torturing you in hell for all eternity anyway.

    I would think this life journey you’re on would be much easier without all of this drama.

  4. We don’t see God many times during our difficult walks which at times are unbearable and you do ask “God where are you? you said you loved me?” I was told many times it was due to my lack of faith that God is not “healing” me or that i may have sinned or I am doing something is stopping God from taking the thorn out of me, I have had laying on of hands only to have the same people walk away from me when they see a “miracle” right then and there, it is sad because it leaves the person that is suffering wondering what kind of God He is. I have walked “my” road for over 30 years and day by day I must trust Him.

    Praying for you Heather,


  5. when they don’t see

  6. Hi Heather,

    It is good to see you this morning and know that the God that held you then is the same God that is holding you now. Please know that you are loved and prayed for in my home. God is holding all of you up and together in this time. Praying for healing for you sweet friend.

    Laurie in Ca. :roll:

  7. Heather,
    I just wanted to say you are such an inspiration to me. I don’t even remember how I found your blog, awhile ago, but your entries continuously touch my life. I’m sending you a giant hug from Cleveland, Ohio.
    Your sister in Christ,

  8. Good to see a post Heather. Saying prayers in your behalf and Emma’s to. Its so hard sometimes to understand why when its our child. Please know that there are other moms out here that have felt what your feeling maybe due to different reason. But we do understand. And your right He will never leave us. Ever no matter what.
    Holding you all up in prayer. Hugs Kerry

  9. -his ways are past finding out…
    so why do we poke him so much with why? Heather, you are becoming so wise, soon you will be perfect, then poof you will disappear from us. I hope it’s in the year 2069. All blogs will probably be transmitted directly into some chip in our head by then-lol
    You help me in my walk- I am thankful for your life and suffering. If I could help you carry some of it I would. I do pray, that helps a little I guess.

  10. Heather, we just got some bad news in our family and I had several Bible verses pop into my head. But what really also came to mind was your words:
    1.God was not taken by surprise by this.
    2. He knows the ending.

    I just wanted to let you know you have encouraged me–even a few months later with those thoughts.

  11. Oh, it’s nice to find a post from you today–have been a bit worried.
    Please know that we pray for you and your family every day. You are an inspiration to so many of us.

    God bless you in a special way this day.

  12. What a very timely reminder – it’s not about what we want… it’s about what God is for us if we’ll let him. May you feel the arms of our loving God holding you tightly. May believers and non-believers alike have their faith grown by watching you walk so closely with our Savior. You continue to bless me! Hugs – Amanda

  13. Dear Heather !
    you don`t know who I am but I read your blog very often. I`m so sorry for what are you going throuh and I pray for healing for you and your beautiful daughter. I know that you believe in God and I know that sometimes this is very hard to believe but I believe that He never, ever lives us alone. I think that maybe I have foud something that maybe is an answer for your prayers. some time ago I have found this ministry and I think that this may be what you are needing most now – http://www.savedhealed.com/directory.htm
    there is many healing stories about cancer and I stongly belive that your story will be next. I will pray for you both. warm greetings and hugs from Poland, Iwona

  14. Heather;

    I agree with your Dad. God heals, not in our time, but in His. Not specifically in this side of heaven, perhaps in His.
    I held on to this when I lost my mom. He has given me the grace, strength, and comfort to know and feel that she is safely held in His hands.
    Praying for your spirit.

  15. I have asked why a thousand times since Sissy was born and since my illness and diagnosis.

    Why do these things have to happen?

    Do they have to happen at all, or do something simply happen because x number of people with get y and it is my turn? Was my number was up so to speak?

    Why? Why? Why?

    I have decided that perhaps there is a plan, but I can not see it, it is just beyond my comprehension, and perhaps my understanding the plan is not part of the plan. so I need to and do my part and have faith, remembering always that the Lord is in charge.

  16. Boy did I need this today. Thanks for sharing how God is moving in your heart and thus allowing Him to move in mine through you.

  17. Aloha Heather… I had a moment last week of just being tired in my body going through an on going chronic illness can get the best of us some days but the Lord’s peaceful words calms my spirit as he says… Rest in me my daughtern rest in me. than after the when’s and how long’s flow gently away and there is peace in my soul. Hugz Joyful

  18. Dearest Heather,
    I do not know where that Girl went; but this Woman amazes me with each keystoke. That Girl is what shaped this woman.

    Isaiah 41:10 Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.

    Because of Jesus, Bobbie

  19. What an awesome and inspiring person YOU are and how precious your sweet love for Your Savior and King and Emma, also! I have heard “Held” by Natalie Grant before but never like I heard and understood it this time! I have spent my entire day, when I was able to be on-line, reading whatever I could from your story! I’m so glad that Rochester, MN was able to give you a little glimmer of hope in your journey (I’m partial being from MN but now
    residing in Mexico in service to Jesus) but nothing compares to how you serve and honestly relate your walk! Before I finished your main part, I was moved to lay hands on you and Emma and pray! If I can but join the numbers that are holding you before the throne of our Healer, Jesus
    I will count it a blessing and wait for your Healing Story! How faithful! You indeed have been pushed to the max, but it’s said that to those that are given much, much is expected…Emma’s miracle and yours will bring Glory to God as your daily life does and points to Him. I’m sure by now, you’ve heard it all, but follow your heart and stay close to His!
    That’s why Emma’s heart was so BIG…to hold the love you have for her and the Lord, and the love she’s bursting forth with…for you, her mom. I hope your other two realize your great love! I just hav started reading insiring stories like yours in various sites, but yours has touched me the most! May you receive a large portion of strength and stamina to
    continue fighting the good fight! May you be filled overflowingly with the Almighty’s power and grace and complete healing and wellness. Anyone can see that
    IT IS WELL WITH YOUR SOUL…now let’s get that physical, emotional and other stuff
    in line with your spiritual. Keep your eyes fixed UP on the SOLUTION and the problem SOLVER, do not be discouraged or fatigued…but REST in the assurance that
    Jesus gives you and Emma. God bless and keep you! Vaya con Dios…con amor and a whole lot of prayer and praise! Peggy