Worth Repeating…
I was going through my blog this morning, and found this post that I had written April 23 2006. I was at a different point in my life, worrying about Emma and trying to give up those “reigns” of control. Now I have different “reigns” of control to give up, and I can tell you that it doesn’t get any easier. I read this and thought “Who was that girl, and where can I get her strength?”. I replaced all the “Emma’s” with “Me’s”. I thought long and hard about where I was in all of this. Where I wanted to be, and how my flesh just wants to scream at the top of its lungs. “Its so not fair God!”
All human beings are just that, Human. All of us have issues, and all of us have “reigns” that we need must lay down at the foot of the cross. We all struggle with that, some more than others. I struggle with it daily every minute of the the day. I struggle with the meaning of my families heartache, and the purpose of all of this “mess”. I have had many many conversations with God that include the word “Why?”
He hasn’t answered me yet.
But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t hear me.
When Mark and I took Easton to the Revolve Tour, Natalie Grant was there, and she sang a song that has always always always meant something to me. The song she sang was “Held”. It was the song I played while writing the post below. It was the song that I stood up and raised my hands to at the conference. It is the song that speaks directly to my heart, and I pray that it speaks directly to yours this morning.
The post I wrote April 23 2006 along with the song I mentioned are below.
_______________________________________________________________
Sometimes there are no answers.
I believe strongly that as humans we are owed nothing. This has played a pivitol role in my coping with my daughters illness. Thru out the years we have been told so many things by other believers. That God would heal her if our faith was strong enough, that if we prayed hard enough and put the oil on her for head “just soâ€â€¦ If we walked under banners or laid hands on her.. God will heal her.
He hasn’t.
For along time, I battled with that. I battled with my faith and my “will†regarding what was best for her. I couldnt fathom that Christ would take this child from me, from her father and siblings. I couldnt fathom that loving caring savior would take my child away from me. So I began to reason with Him. If he would heal her, I would do x. In the end, here we are.
I realize now that there doesnt have to be a big miracle for this to have meaning. He doesnt have to heal her to give her beautiful life meaning.
I can expect it all I want to… it wont make it happen.
My father told me a few years ago, when I was really struggling with the reality of her disease:
“Heather, we all must die… there is no getting out of that. Emma will be healed, it just may not be on this side of heaven.â€
Now, being a few more years out of the initial diagnosis I have grown quite a bit. I have realized that in the end, none of us “deserve†the grace we have been given. We can expect it, but it was never promised to us.
I don’t doubt that my savior loves my daughter even more than I do. I don’t doubt that her precious life has huge meaning, and that He is fully aware of what the future holds for her. It is hard for me to give up those reigns sometimes. It is hard to fully put her into His hands, but honestly, that is where she is safest… and when he decides to keep her there permanently, He will grant me the grace to deal with the heartache.
Ive been listening to our Christian station today while working around the house…. and this song came on the radio… I sat and cried and realized that the only thing that any of us are promised is that He will never leave us.
Everything else is a gift.
Held By Natalie Grant
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.
Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
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All Clear :)
I just got back from Moffit and my MRI was clear! I am exhausted from getting up a 5:45 so I am going to go lay down but I didn’t want you all to be worried! Thank you for your prayers. When I was in the MRI, surrounding by the loud noise the machine makes, I imagined all of you in that room with me, praying for me and it really helped! I am going to do that every MRI from now on…
:)
Thanks again, you’ll never know how much it means to me and my family. Really.
Oh, one bit of bad news… I have lost another 6 pounds (since my visit four weeks ago.) That is a total of about 40 pounds since June… I need to work on that… I eat great, but still lose weight. Any thoughts or suggestions?
Thanks!
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