If you really knew..

I have been sitting here since 5:30, thinking about how to write this blog post. I don’t really tell you guys when I am feeling down and discouraged, and I don’t know why.

Well, I do know why. I feel like I cant share my bad days here because everyone thinks I am so inspirational, so admirable, so martyr-ish. Don’t get me wrong, it feels unbelievable to know that my blog has ministered to 10s of thousands. Really it does. And I take full responsibility for setting myself up for this. I only write about my good days, with a bad day thrown in every once in a while and while that doesn’t mean what I write isn’t true… It doesn’t give a true depiction of my life or any cancer patients life for that matter.

I have bad days. If you knew how many bad days I have had, and continue to have, it would really blow your mind. I am human. I get angrier than all get out at God. I sometimes swear and (gasp) often times it is in my talks with Him.

I am not this super spiritual person that you see on my blog 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I am just not.

No one is.

I have feelings of lack of faith, fear of dying, fear of not being what everyone expects me to be, fear of letting everyone down. Did I mention fear of dying? I often times think of what my last day will be like, will it be painful, will I go in my sleep, will my family be around me or will I be alone…

No matter how hard those feelings are to talk about, I need to talk about them. I need to talk about how much this SUPER SUCKS. I need to talk about how unfair it is and how much I just wish it would all go away. That doesn’t mean that I don’t trust God 100% with my future… I completely do. It means that I am human, and I am giving my self permission to be that from here on out… I am giving my self the one thing that Christ gives me on a daily basis.

Grace.

So if you are a cancer patient, and have left my blog thinking that you don’t measure up, or even if you aren’t a cancer patient and you have left my blog thinking that you don’t measure up…

Please forgive me.

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Comments

  1. Heather,

    I love this grace-filled human side of you the best. This is the side of you that is living in this cancer journey that truly sucks big time. I only went through it for a year after surgery, but it felt so out of body and foreign to me. I love your honesty with it, and I know God knows it sucks too. So there is no need to hide these feelings from here. I think it will set more peoples minds free as they go through it too. Cancer is not Godly in any way. The only thing Godly about it is the grace of our Lord helping us through it, and I thank Him for this and for you. Keep being you Heather, it is most lovely and reachable. Have a blessed Easter with your family. I love you! :roll: 😳 😉 😆

    Love and Hugs Girl, Laurie in Ca.

  2. (((((((((((((Heather)))))))))))))

    You’re precious and thank you for being real – especially because that’s what YOU need. Just be yourself and remember, even Jesus had mixed reviews.

    Big Hugs.
    Paulla

  3. I have lurked here for a while. I totally understand where you are coming from. I feel the need sometimes to be so upbeat and positive. Only my husband really sees my fear and pain when they surface (thankfully, not too often).

    Hang in there Heather.

  4. Hey My Sistah!!! ((((( Hugz))))) You know what Heather… I may not have cancer, but I do have a chronic life threatening liver illness with no cure. The Lord has given you a way to share your journey and I know he would want you to continue keeping it real, because Cancer or any chronic illness is a reality alot of us are experiencing. Even two people with the same illness will experience two different journeys. This is your blog, your home, and your journey, please do not allow anyone to discourage you, or make you feel like you cannot share your heart like you have been doing. for all those who come in here to cause confusion they are just a reminder from the Lord that he too had to put up with skeptics and non believers, but he continued on in his journey of truth all the way till he died on the cross, no compromise, In the end it will be just be you and the Lord and that is whay it is not worth allowing anyone to distract yu from doing what is right. it’s okay to be angry, it’s ok to get mad at God he can take it. Keep writing from the realness of your heart and those who don’t like what they read can move on to the next blog.. Your sister in Christ.. Joyful

  5. Yeah, it really sucks! My sister-n-law has a big, bad brain tumor. She will die. It’s just a matter of time. We’re trying to deal with everything with patience, grace and humor. Sometimes not so much patience or grace!

    I think the location of my s-n-l’s tumor has affected her emotions. She’s so matter of fact & laid back. A bit of a blessing in this whole mess!

    Hang in there, Heather!

  6. Dear Heather,

    You know, when you post your bad days it helps those of us who’ve come to care about you know to pray even more. Yes, your blog is inspirational and I greatly admire you but guess what? It doesn’t change when you have the bad days! If anything it makes you more “human” and transparent. Nobody is a super Christian and God knows that. He knows when you hurting and scared and angry. Yet He never leaves you! I’m reminded of David and all of the psalms where he cried out to God in real, dark despair, fearing death, fearing his enemies. Yet he is said to be a man after God’s own heart. Heather, you’re wonderful and loved and who the heck cares if you have bad days (: I sure don’t! This isn’t the “Brady Bunch” where everything is peachy-keen. It’s real life and there are hardships like cancer and it’s these times where turning to God is the best comfort of all. I know you probably know all of this but I wanted to tell you that I care and I pray for you. Keep your chin up and don’t try to be super-woman! People are here for you, even in cyber world! Have a great night!

    Molly (:

  7. Hi Heather,

    It is necessary for you to be real, for YOU. If you did not have those really, serious bad days then you would not be in this world. You have not let me down and I am sure MANY others, we are here to pray for you and give you support, be real Heather you need to let these things surface. I am praying for you when I think of you and that is often.

    Again Heather, be real, it gets the pain out instead of keeping it inside, there is no need to hide “it”,

    blessings,

    Marie

  8. Hey, Heather! I’m not sure that I’ve ever left a comment here, though I stop in periodically to see how you are doing.

    All I have to say is – Wow! Look at the response that you’ve drawn just from being honest with your readers. I can totally relate with you because people describe me often as reliable and constant. The only unfortunate thing about that is when I was going through the worse time of my life spiritually I had very few shoulders to cry on because they expected me to be doing well. So, I’ve learned to be honest with myself and with others about how certain situations affect me. Sending you a cyber hug!

  9. We’re glad to know that YOU are human, too.

    Every single one of us have faults, doubts, fears and weaknesses.

    EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

    :)

    You are loved!
    ~Leah in Alaska

  10. Real is how we love ya! May the blood of Jesus heal you and restore you. May you cling tightly on the hard days and may you dance freely on the days filled with Joy! Your hope is in the right hands and He will never fail! Praise God for you! Your family is blessed to have you! May Easter be most blessed for you and yours this year! Hugs! Amanda

  11. You are a treasure. When else would you cling so hard to Jesus if it weren’t for the bad days? Someday, every bad day, every sorrow will be forever gone. In the meantime, hang on, sister!

    Revelation 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

    Blessings,
    Keri

  12. Though I read your blog a few times a week, Heather, I have never commented before. I simply must today for your words have “inspired” me more than ever. The humanity of my brothers and sisters in Christ gives me incredible reassurance. For you see if those as faithful as Billy Graham, Moses, my own pastor, my beloved father, and yes, you Heather, can have moments of frustration, anger, and questions, then it’s okay that I do at times, too. Thank you for sharing. And please, don’t ever hold back. We are inspired by your awesome courage, but we are also drawn closer to the Lord when we see your frailty. You are loved and prayed about more than you will ever know.

  13. 😥 Your confession of not being super human doesn’t make it any easier for me to see you suffer emotionally, or as far as that goes, anyway. Now, don’t take what I just wrote wrong. I know you have never stated you are above the rest. I meant what I have written in the most sincere, loving way.

    I know what it is like to suffer inside, but have to put on a brave face for others around, because, quite frankly, most do not want to see suffering. I am that proverbial clown that laughs on the outside, but on the inside is just torn to pieces.

    My husband’s and my daughther disassociated herself from us a little over a year ago due to her drug and alcohol addiction, not to mentional stealing and lying. So I cannot understand how someone who had it all — my kiddo — can just blow it; totally waste their life, and you who chooses to live a good life, suffers.

    It sometimes just makes me sick inside, but I also know that God knows best, and He does know why this type of things occurs. I also know that I am not meant to understand it yet, or possibly ever.

    I do love you and have an enormous amount of respect for what you do on your blog.

    ((Hugs))

    Kay

  14. Heather,

    You are dealing with Cancer, period. There is no expectation that you should be encouraging, upbeat at all times. You are human, and I truly respect you for being forthrigth with your post.
    You encourage even when you feel discouraged!
    Hang in there. One day at a time.
    xoxoxo 😐

  15. That you are human is not a disappointment. That you struggle is not a surprise, not to me, to many here, but especially not to God. What makes your story inspiriational is not a “bed of thorn-less roses”. It’s the honest and transparent sharing of the journey – one that He takes with you – but one filled with anguish, fear, and uncertainty. Don’t be burdened by any expectations (your own, others, or the enemy’s)… please.

    Your tears and your triumphs, the sorrow and the comfort, these are all part of the fabric of life.

    You are loved as a human being, not a superhuman. My prayers continue.

  16. We all know that you are human – beautifully human. I just wish there was something I could do to take those fears away. Thank God for God…

    You are an inspiration, every day, whether you are up or down, you are a BLESSING to so many!

    God bless!

  17. Wow Heather, that was so honest! My Mom really needs to come read this. Thank you for this post!

  18. My mom fights Leukemia and has these days every day. It is always a struggle, so I can sort of relate. You need to be strong when you can be and let others be strong for you when you can’t do it yourself.
    God understands what you are going through and He still loves you even when you are angry with Him.
    Hang tough Heather!

  19. Heather,

    The way that I say this may come across as incredibly cheesy, but here goes… you are an incredible inspiration. I have a blog myself, and I have struggled with what to share, how much to share, etc., with the rest of the world.

    Thanks to this post of yours in particular, I have found the courage I needed in order to share ALL of MYself with the rest of the world. I figure if you will share YOUR bad days with us readers, then why shouldn’t I share MY bad days with anyone who wants to read my blog?

    Thanks, Heather, for being you. God’s Peace to you, my friend.

  20. Keep on sharing, Heather! We’re with you…through the good days and the bad! Christ is our life…REAL life, just be you! Love and prayers!!

  21. I love reading your blog whether it’s about good days or bad. I’m so sorry you have the bad, but please know that I pray for you.

    Thanks for being real. I never get the impression that you are trying to be super-spiritual…just that you are trying to face what you are going through with Jesus at your side.

    So, talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly…it helps us focus our prayers on what you need, when you need it. :)

  22. Thank you for sharing the truth. I’m so glad to know you are human and not some superhuman woman that has everything together even though you are fighting for your health. Your truthfulness gives us specific ways to pray for you.

  23. Oh Sweet Heather, Espeacially Heather, I am sure your husband, your daddy and your mommie have shared with you through this all; God knows your heart, He knows your thoughts and the words before you speak them. So there is no sense in lying to Jesus. He has really big shoulders and can handle anything you say. After all He heard it before you did!

    Hugs to you as you experience the Love of the Savior and the joy that the tomb is empty!

    Because of Jesus, Bobbie

  24. {Hug}–your honesty is powerful. Praying for you, Chrissy

  25. I often times think of what my last day will be like, will it be painful, will I go in my sleep, will my family be around me or will I be alone…

    …I need to talk about how unfair it is and how much I just wish it would all go away. That doesn’t mean that I don’t trust God 100% with my future… I completely do.

    Thanks for sharing. I read this post earlier today and was thinking about what I would say… nothing sounded right. I just wanted to say thanks for being honest. Yet, your posts ARE honest. So that did not sound right!

    I did have some inferior complex at one time thinking I didn’t measure up until I spoke to you over the phone. We are all real and hurt at times. There will be ups and downs.

    God is faithful this we know.
    For the Bible tells us so.
    Little ones to Him belong.
    They are weak
    but He is strong.
    (a little rendition by me tonight)

    k-

  26. Donna Kay says:

    heather – you are remarkable and you are real. No one could ever ask for more than that.

  27. Please don’t apologize. Please keep being real. And please know that even THAT ministers so very, greatly.

    I don’t comment often, but I do pray. And I am praying for you tonight.

  28. I’m glad to read this. Christians struggle and sometimes, when people put on “the happy face,” it can be offputting.

    Share your highs and lows. Your ups and downs. Prayers and praises and know that everyone else will probably feel a bit more “real” because of it.

  29. Girl, you’ve never been stronger or truer or more inspirational in our eyes. We know it’s got to be hard some days, and it’s totally ok to use this place — your place — to pour out like water so we can hold up your arms. I *loved* the Velveteen Rabbit comment; it’s so true — we love you ’cause you’re REAL.
    Praying for better days, Heather.

  30. Truth…it sets us all free.

    I pray for you daily.

  31. Elijah was a powerful prophet, but he suffered from disappointment, fear, and depression. God allowed not only his triumphant story, but his weakness to be shown in the Bible in graphic detail. Everyone gets discouraged, everyone. God allowed Elijah to stay in his discouraged state for awhile. But I think the important part of the story is that God lifted him out of it. In our weakness, He is strong. If we don’t have weakness, what can God do? Heather, you shouldn’t be afraid to show weakness. God wasn’t afraid to let us see the weakness of many of His chosen ones in the Bible. I believe He did it to help us identify with them. I held and continue to hold Elijah’s story close to my heart throughout my cancer experience and in dealing with the fall out. I hope his story helps you too. To read a good explanation of the events surrounding Elijah’s depression, go to: http://www.pbc.org/files/messages/9837/3374.html.

  32. Hey I dont know if you ever heard of Doug Kaufman. His website is knowthecause.com. Check out the video of Dr. Tullio Simoceini probably spelled wrong. I think you may be amazed. GOD Bless–Tom from South Carolina

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