I have been sitting here since 5:30, thinking about how to write this blog post. I don’t really tell you guys when I am feeling down and discouraged, and I don’t know why.
Well, I do know why. I feel like I cant share my bad days here because everyone thinks I am so inspirational, so admirable, so martyr-ish. Don’t get me wrong, it feels unbelievable to know that my blog has ministered to 10s of thousands. Really it does. And I take full responsibility for setting myself up for this. I only write about my good days, with a bad day thrown in every once in a while and while that doesn’t mean what I write isn’t true… It doesn’t give a true depiction of my life or any cancer patients life for that matter.
I have bad days. If you knew how many bad days I have had, and continue to have, it would really blow your mind. I am human. I get angrier than all get out at God. I sometimes swear and (gasp) often times it is in my talks with Him.
I am not this super spiritual person that you see on my blog 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I am just not.
No one is.
I have feelings of lack of faith, fear of dying, fear of not being what everyone expects me to be, fear of letting everyone down. Did I mention fear of dying? I often times think of what my last day will be like, will it be painful, will I go in my sleep, will my family be around me or will I be alone…
No matter how hard those feelings are to talk about, I need to talk about them. I need to talk about how much this SUPER SUCKS. I need to talk about how unfair it is and how much I just wish it would all go away. That doesn’t mean that I don’t trust God 100% with my future… I completely do. It means that I am human, and I am giving my self permission to be that from here on out… I am giving my self the one thing that Christ gives me on a daily basis.
So if you are a cancer patient, and have left my blog thinking that you don’t measure up, or even if you aren’t a cancer patient and you have left my blog thinking that you don’t measure up…
Please forgive me.