If you really knew..

I have been sitting here since 5:30, thinking about how to write this blog post. I don’t really tell you guys when I am feeling down and discouraged, and I don’t know why.

Well, I do know why. I feel like I cant share my bad days here because everyone thinks I am so inspirational, so admirable, so martyr-ish. Don’t get me wrong, it feels unbelievable to know that my blog has ministered to 10s of thousands. Really it does. And I take full responsibility for setting myself up for this. I only write about my good days, with a bad day thrown in every once in a while and while that doesn’t mean what I write isn’t true… It doesn’t give a true depiction of my life or any cancer patients life for that matter.

I have bad days. If you knew how many bad days I have had, and continue to have, it would really blow your mind. I am human. I get angrier than all get out at God. I sometimes swear and (gasp) often times it is in my talks with Him.

I am not this super spiritual person that you see on my blog 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I am just not.

No one is.

I have feelings of lack of faith, fear of dying, fear of not being what everyone expects me to be, fear of letting everyone down. Did I mention fear of dying? I often times think of what my last day will be like, will it be painful, will I go in my sleep, will my family be around me or will I be alone…

No matter how hard those feelings are to talk about, I need to talk about them. I need to talk about how much this SUPER SUCKS. I need to talk about how unfair it is and how much I just wish it would all go away. That doesn’t mean that I don’t trust God 100% with my future… I completely do. It means that I am human, and I am giving my self permission to be that from here on out… I am giving my self the one thing that Christ gives me on a daily basis.

Grace.

So if you are a cancer patient, and have left my blog thinking that you don’t measure up, or even if you aren’t a cancer patient and you have left my blog thinking that you don’t measure up…

Please forgive me.

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Comments

  1. Above all else Heather you are REAL and you are HIS!!!!!!
    Susan

  2. Dear Heather,
    I’d rather hear the truth, anytime and every time, and thank you for sharing! Joyce

  3. girl, that is what makes you like the velveteen rabbit with all the fur rubbed off— REAL! don’t ever feel like you have to apologize—

  4. Thanks for posting this. To be honest, I have not been reading you much lately because I couldn’t understand how everything could be sunshine and roses. I’m glad that you are going to be more “real”. Thank you.

  5. campstamper03 says:

    As a cancer survivor, I think I do know how many bad days you have, and that is okay, and regardless, everyone is entitled to bad days, that’s what makes us human.

    Regardless, I don’t think we think of you as superhuman, just human and thankful for what God is doing in your life and your ability to witness to others.

    Hugs ‘N Prayers,
    Norma

  6. Heather, I think we all realize you don’t have a perfect life everyday. God hasn’t promised any of us that. We love you, and we are here to be your cheering section. That means when you have a day that SUCKS..share it. I gurantee that we can empathize and encourage each other through it. We are to share one another’s burdens. Go pour yourself another cup of coffee, and put on some praise music, and having a stomping kind of praise day!

  7. In a small way, I totally understand. I had a friend who knew me from blogland who came to live with me for three months. She was actually relieved to find out I was as much of a screw-up (my words not hers) as I am and that I wasn’t “as smart” as I came across on my blog. I was amused and frustrated.

    “I keep TELLING you people I struggle!” I told her. There’s just something about writing – and writing well -that convinces people you have everything else together too. Even when you tell them you have bad days, they think your bad days must be nowhere near as bad as their bad days, eh?

    Share what you need to share. You don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations but God’s…and Jesus did that for you! 😉

  8. Big, big hugs to you. We may never truly identify with the depth of your struggle but we continue to pray with you and for you. Share what you are led to share, when you are led to share it…no pressure….the Holy Spirit continues to move in you and through you….

    Always in my prayers…Be blessed and may Christ’s grace, love, comfort and understanding be resurrected in you and your family this Easter weekend…

    Lots, lots of love!

  9. Michelle says:

    You share what you want to share. Anyone who didn’t think you had lots of bad days because you don’t write about them is only kidding themselves. You are human just like the rest of us. You try and you do succeed at putting on a strong face not for us readers, but for your family and your children. You give inspiration to others not just through this blog, but also through your support group. None of us know how we would handle a situation such as yours if we were faced with it. None of us have any right to judge. Keep your eyes on Jesus. He will get you through this.

  10. 😳 Heather, I am a cancer survivor and I knew all your days weren’t a bed of roses, but I was jealous/envious of your spiritual relationship with God. You always seem to hear God and all I seem to do is talk at him. You have led me to much intropection on my prayer life–something I’d rather not reflect upon; just let me sing in the Contemporary Choir.

    Although you don’t owe an apology, it did make me feel better about myself to read your apology to people who felt not-up-to-snuff in the spiritual life department.

    Continued prayers for your healing.

  11. Thank you for your honesty. It’s very refreshing to hear. :)
    JoAnn

  12. Heather,
    Whenever there were gaps in your posts, I assumed you were having trying days and I would pray for you a little more than usual.
    I am curious. . . Are your kids & husband going to any kind of counseling or support group? I can only imagine how scared they must be. If this is too personal, ignore the question.
    Love & Prayers,
    Barnie

  13. Keep sharing. Let it all out and know we are all praying for you! You are soo loved! 😉

  14. Hey, Sweet Heather, we are ALL just human, so don’t worry about us thinking any of us are super-human. We are not! We all have to make it one day at a time. That is all. You be yourself and TELL US what you need from us. We will try to help you. God BLess You in your daily challenges. We ALL love you and THAT’S the TRUTH!

    Love & Prayers for you and the Family,
    Betty in Oklahoma
    blue.eagle@cox.net

  15. Sometimes we give ourselves major spiritual peptalks. And, if you blog, it’s likely those would be written down. I’m glad you’re human, you wouldn’t be so amazing if you weren’t.

  16. For what it’s worth, if this entire blog was filled with bad days I would still see you faith shining through.

    It is refreshing to realize that even the people we find inspiration in are struggle, just like the rest of us. We all have our fears and we keep them inside because we aren’t supposed to talk about them but what good does that do? I have found the more I talk about mine the better I feel.

    So fill this up with your bad days if that is going to help, I know that I will still be here.

  17. Heather I have cancer too and I have been getting heavy duty chemo’s and I know what you are feeling. I read your blog daily and have often asked why I cannot be (more) like you … staying so positive etc. most of the time. Thank you for sharing with us that you are human too and know that I am praying hard for you to have more better days than down days. And, remember, ‘one day at a time’, sometimes, ‘one second at a time’, and thats ok.

  18. Dear Heather,
    Girlfriend, you are transparent, you can’t be perfect all the time. You ARE human, sometimes I get so mad because I have an illness that makes me so sick and there is no cure. I try to take on so much and it frustrates me and you know, we have to just cry out to the Lord, he is our strength, he knows we will fail and break under such stress that we can’t carry without HIM!!!
    Im gld you share the good times and bad, when you are weak HE is strong, that is when we stand in the gap and pray for you. We love you Heather and know we are here for you even in the hard times.

  19. I think one of the richest things I’ve gained from reading your story has been the fact that even though you have written with such strength, I’ve known in my heart that your life was not without great agony. It never occurred to me that you didn’t have bad days. I have been so blessed that you’ve been able to see ANY good at all. You’re still an inspiration, and you say things that give hope.

    Be good to yourself, and don’t be afraid to be honest with us.

  20. Heather,
    If it helps I understand. As I read your post I thought..you know..All cancer patients go through days like this. I know I have to and this week has not been a great one. The dang *What If’s!* I hate them and they really do suck no doubt about it.
    I am just glad you trust God..Heather. On the bad days thats a blessing to be able to trust.
    Heather what I think is important here is no your not perfect..who is? I sure don’t think I am. God knows that and he knows our suffering and what it brings to us and our families. He is by our sides no matter what.
    So your not 100% Spiritual all the times. Who really is??
    We are human. Cancer is a tough situation for anyone dealing with it. When I come here and read..It gives me food for thought and I know when you don’t post..your trying to take care of you and your family. Its really tough..I have been there.
    The point is your human and thats okay. Its okay to say its a bad day and why..and talk about it here.
    Cancer is tough no matter which way you cut it. I was a caregiver before I had cancer. So both sides are tough.Unless we have been there … No one knows that form of frustration. Saying that your struggling is okay…when you have to say it go for it. Sometimes saying it out loud
    or writing it valitates your honest feelings. Thats a good thing.
    One thing I love about todays post is that you have the strength to say what you feel and be honest about it. We are the teachers Heather. If we don’t talk about it who will. Cancer is hush hush. That is wrong it should be talked about like any other disease. Talking about it brings out from under that proverbial carpet. People need to understand treatment is tough and grueling.Its okay for all of us who visit to understand you have bad days. I knew that all a long. To think that you didn’t would be wrong of me.
    I just continue to pray for you and your family. By asking God to take care of your needs for today.
    This your forum to say what you feel the need to..Its your story Heather.

    Big Hugs…and many prayers.
    Kerry

  21. No blog is a perfect representation of the person who writes it. We understand that you will have good days and bad – and I don’t know about you, but I’m more likely to want to write on my good days. Thank you for being so vulnerable.

  22. never one have i thought that…EVERYONE is human and we ALL have good days and bad ones too…we can’t help it! BUT it’s the way they are handled overall that has an impact.
    my dad has cancer and sometimes i get so mad at why and how and “it’s not fair”…blah blah blah
    but then i remember who i am in Christ and thank goodness i can come to grips…even if for a moment at a time.

  23. You are only human my friend, and regardless of your bad days, your faith, even in the midst of anger is an inspiration. You are also a very honest person, which is why you wrote this post. I will continue to read on your good days & your bad days. I watched my Grandma die of breast cancer. You hold a special place in my heart! God bless you, Heather.

  24. Heather,

    I would worry about you if you DIDN’T have bad days periodically. You’re human. It sucks like a Hoover vacuum cleaner that you have bad days but maybe that happens so we can appreciate the good days even more. Who knows? Also, when you put your bad days out there in the blogging world, I know exactly how to be praying for you at that particular moment. I doubt anyone will see you as anything less because you’re being honest. Please know that many hugs and prayers are being sent your way.

    Hugs,
    Amanda

  25. Heather,
    I read your blog daily and the days you don’t post I know why. I hope it is you are having a great day with your family but I know it probably isn’t. I pray for you extra those days.
    My Mom just had her 8th of 12 chemo treatments. She got down at the door step and couldnt get up. It was humbling of her and she hated it. She tries to be strong but cancer is tough.
    You help me realize some of the things she is going through.
    thanks and don’t apologize.
    Love and prayers.

  26. Love you, Heather.

  27. Teresa (Myakka City) says:

    Do you feel better when you can voice your true feelings? If so write about it-isn’t that what the purposed of this is for. To share your feelings – GOOD and BAD – so people don’t feel alone. I don’t understand what you and your family are truly going through but I know when I have a place to vent I feel better about whatever the situation is.

  28. Heather,
    You owe no apologies. You are blessed and you are broken. There are those moments when our blessing pour out of our hearts on our blogs and those days when we are feeling so broken we would rather not type. If you are anything like me I still feel “pressured” to put something out there and when it us ugly or broken or not “perfect” then I am being ridiculed for it. The truth is that none of us can please everyone all of the time and thats ok. You know your heart and so does HE. Everyone else only sees glimpses into it and I thank you for sharing those glimpses. You are doing this. With His help you ARE doing this and I am proud of you. Blessed or broken, good or bad, you are His and you will remain just that. Take care today and know that the brokenness will heal again and will be smothered by blessing. Take care. Trish(Ashley Kate’s mommy)

  29. Thank God for the fact that you are perfectly normal, Heather! Of course you are feeling all these things. Who wouldn’t feel like this in your place? This stuff is hard – it isn’t even meant to be easy. I am sure that God doesn’t expect you you to take it all without a few hiccoughs along the way.

    My sister-in-law died of cancer a couple of weeks ago. She was a deeply religious person, but not long before she died she told us she was feeling angry with God and finding it very hard to pray. We told her we thought it was only natural to feel like that. She had wanted so much to live and see her little grandchild grow up and she had tried so many different treatments (both conventional and non-conventional) and now she was having to accept they had all failed and she was facing death in the imminent future. I think it was perfectly understandable that she felt the way she did!

    Your feelings are completely normal too, Heather: don’t hide them. I think more people than you would expect will understand exactly how you are feeling!

  30. Jesus wept. I remember the first time I read that and understood what it implied; that Jesus was human. Frustrated. Tempted. Sad. Angry. And just. Like. Us.

    We don’t ask you, expect you, or want you to be a superhero. We pray for you to be touched by faith, filled with the Holy Spirit, and at peace with who you are in Christ.

    Cancer or not, you are just normal as the rest of us! And we love you for it. :mrgreen:

  31. Hey Girl..I have been reading you for over a year.. just now coming out of the delurker closet.. Its human, normal if you will to have those bad days.. we are not perfect. I understand your need to feel strong for everyone else. Your a beautiful strong woman..realize that no matter what we love and pray for you.

  32. 😳 Heather…I just thought the days you didn’t “blog” were the bad days and you didn’t feel up to it so I prayed harder that day, that God would have His way and you would feel His Mighty arms holding you and telling you that it’s all right, you are human, He loves you and so do we! 😀 Jesus wept and He knows how you feel and we can only assume…but you need a place to vent and maybe not here on a public blog but in your own journal of your journey. It isn’t fair! The advantage of just expressing you’re feeling desperate or in need of a big hug, let’s all of us know that we should rally around you and cheer you up or on to that goal you set before yourself. I believe that your pious writings leave us
    in awe of how do you remain above it all…and we know from where you draw your inner strength…but today or anyday, that it SUCKS(and I’m sure that there are many)or you feel anger or that
    this is just an outrageous injustice for anyone, much less someone who has had to bear so much as you, we are with YOU 100% in the good and in the bad but even moreso, HE is with you, and He, too, feared dying(I think we all do, though at times it may look better than the present moment of pain and sufferings or the evil ness that lurks about in our society). Jesus feared death and being abandoned by His Father, so much so, that it’s said HE cried and drops of blood spilt onto the ground. HE IS REAL! You are real and very precious to Him, tho’ right now, or just for the Blah days, you don’t feel it, He must know and sees and even understands!
    Let not your hope in the everlasting or your faith be diminished by your utter humanness! Cry out to Him and curse the enemy of darkness that overwhelms you with fear! “For HE has not given us a spirit of fear,but a spirit of power, of love and a sound mind…so do not be ashamed to testify…2Tim.1:7-read on
    for in your weakness, we can see His strength and as you said GRACE. May His grace abound and fill you today! May you find comfort and be encouraged from your fellow bloggers! We are here for you! Call out for pray in your battle! No ones’ “cancer” is the same, but the battle and suffering is alot to bear alone! My sister is a cancer survivor and has lived from her first battle at 20 to being 60and still living. We are SURVIVORS and OVERCOMERS by the blood of the Lamb! I pray that the words of your friendly bloggers would lift you today and any day that you need to be REAL! God bless and you are forgiven but no need to ask…Love and big hugs to you & the kids!
    Peggy

  33. Heather,
    Your honesty is much appreciated. I can’t begin to imagine what you go through on a daily basis. On the good days, trust God and praise Him for the good days. On the bad days, pray for the ability to trust God and the desire to trust Him. You’re a strong woman…with His strength!

  34. I just wanted to leave you a ((hug)) today and hope that tomorrow is better . Praying for you always! ❗

  35. Heather,
    Believe me, I do know what you are going through…I cried EVERY single day for six months during my cancer! I did feel like I was an utter failure in having such lack of faith, but somehow, others did not! Keep crying out to the Lord. He will answer and He will give the peace that passes understanding. There is grace for each moment, exactly when you need it. You are ministering to so many…even through your bad days!
    I wrote a quote in my journal yesterday. It is by George Mueller.
    ” The only way to learn strong faith…is to endure great trials.”
    You hang in there and know that we are praying!!
    Love,
    Gina

  36. Just keep on writing it how it is and don’t feel like you have to put on a brave front for the cyber world.

    (((hugs)))

  37. Heather,
    I am the mother of a daughter with a mitochondrial disorder also. I know how my heart has been broken with the challenges we face daily with her. It has been encouraging to me to read your blog because I knew you could relate to my pain. I even printed off your list of ten things to be thankful for. It helps to remind me to stop having a pity party! So thank you for helping me and know that there are others praying for you.

  38. Heather,I want you to know that you can only live life one day at a time. There will always be bad days along with the good, sick or not. Don’t feel bad at all wanting to tell people here how you feel. I’m sure there are lots of people who come just to hear your ‘voice’ on this blog – not to ever judge you by what you say.

    If you feel bad on a day and want to blog – blog! Let people be there for you. You shouldn’t feel as though you’ve let anyone down.

    I have no idea what you are going through, but I’ve seen others go through it, including a sister-in-law. So I know there has to be ups and downs, perhaps times that you just want to scream, among hundreds of other things. Well, if it takes screaming, scream (OR whatever it takes). That doesn’t make you any less a sweet person going through a bad day. You are the same Heather. Just remember there are those of us praying for you. And God is ALWAYS around to take you under His wings – let your head lay on his lap for awhile. He is the best comforter around!

  39. Hey Heather,

    I’d rather have you be honest and real about how you’re doing. If you’re trying to be inspirational, then you gotta show us the good and the bad. That’s why your positive faith is so astounding! You still believe and hold on even when you feel as if you’re in sinking sand.

    Look at Jesus – he was in the garden crying/praying over the fear/impending misery/pain the night before his Cruxifiction. That’s what makes the Cross so beautiful… he did it anyway.

    So you be you and let us be your encouragement now and then.

  40. Hearing that just makes you all the more real and dear to those of us who have the same feelings too, cancer or not. God Bless You again and again.

  41. You inspire people, NOT becuase we think you don’t have bad days, but becuase we KNOW that you DO, yet, in between the bad days -you press on and thank God for whatever may come and share it all with us. You are inspirational because you’re you, your insight, your gift of words, etc…etc…
    I had a cancer scare last week, and I just was so shaken thinking of you and what all of this must be like for you. I will read your blog whether you have good days, or crappy days…because I learn SO MUCH from your words…and can relate.

  42. Heather,
    What is your prognosis? I’ve been reading for awhile, but I guess I was under the assumption that the “worst is over” Is this not accurate?

  43. As a cancer patient, it is such a relief to read this. I, too, have all those fears but often feel there is no one to share these feelings with because of the same reasons you mentioned. Thank you for this post

  44. j

  45. Honesty is the best policy, and I’m glad you came clean. :-) However, I ALREADY KNEW that you have bad days – because even if you don’t have cancer, you have bad days. And some are really bad. So, with the added bonus of cancer, it is expected. I never thought you were hiding anything, just keeping positive.

    You are loved, Heather. And on those bad days, I hope that you feel the prayers from those of us that pray, and the comfort of your Father’s arms around you.

  46. Heather, this is the best post I have ever read on a blog. Sometimes when we set those feelings free they lessen, it is the holding them in part that makes them vicious. Continued prayers for you.

  47. Canadian Coco says:

    Thank you!

  48. Heather – what a perfect post for the Thursday before Easter. Did you intend for this amazingly touching post to be published today for Holy Thursday?

    Of all that I’ve read today about this anniversary of Jesus’ agony at Gethsemane, of all things I’ve done to try to understand even a fraction of what he must have felt the day before he was crucified, this makes it hit home more than anything. We are so blessed by your insights and your honesty.

  49. You know Heather, you aren’t any different than anyone else – we all have our up and down days. Except for what you said about imagining your last day, *I* could have written your post. As a pastor’s wife, I feel the very same way. Absolutely not allowed to let anyone know how I feel if I’m down or struggling. I think we all deal with what you describe – we just aren’t all honest enough to admit it :)

    You are an amazing woman Heather, even with your bad days. I wish you wouldn’t hold them in. The people that love and care for you will be here whether you inspire us or bring tears to our eyes. We will pray for you in your triumphs and your tragedies. Your friends will be your friends….good or bad.

    It’s tough to carry burdens alone. I think that is why God created us as social beings. We do need one another. I love you my sister. {{hugs}}

  50. It’s taken awhile, but I’ve read your entire blog and have come to love you and your family in the process. Emma is a dear child, and I miss hearing about her. Until your cancer, I enjoyed reading so much about her. I cry with you in all you are going through now, and I pray for you, Emma, and your family. Do you have a separate site where you write about Emma?