Dear Cancer,
You have invaded my body with out invitation. You have robbed me of emotion, energy, and most of all time. Time with my family. Time wasted worrying over you, and what you will do next, when you will strike next. Time wasted worrying about the next scan, the next oncology appointment, the next…..
I will not let you steal my joy and my self confidence (even though you stole my hair.). I will not let you touch my heart. I will not let you steal the smile from my face or the beat in my step, though it has become weaker over the time I have known you. You have taken too much from me, so much from me. You are a shadow in my children’s faces, they worry about their mom and it shows. You are a shadow in my husbands eyes, he wonders how he can live alone, raise three kids alone. In those quiet moments, when he and I are alone, I see fear in his eyes. You are a shadow in my parents heart, wondering if/when they will have to bury their only child.
You are a shadow in my heart, whispering in my ear. “I am still here”.
and quietly I whisper back “Not for long”
That whisper is getting louder and louder day by day, moment by moment.
And sometime, soon I hope, it will drown out your voice.
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If you really knew..
I have been sitting here since 5:30, thinking about how to write this blog post. I don’t really tell you guys when I am feeling down and discouraged, and I don’t know why.
Well, I do know why. I feel like I cant share my bad days here because everyone thinks I am so inspirational, so admirable, so martyr-ish. Don’t get me wrong, it feels unbelievable to know that my blog has ministered to 10s of thousands. Really it does. And I take full responsibility for setting myself up for this. I only write about my good days, with a bad day thrown in every once in a while and while that doesn’t mean what I write isn’t true… It doesn’t give a true depiction of my life or any cancer patients life for that matter.
I have bad days. If you knew how many bad days I have had, and continue to have, it would really blow your mind. I am human. I get angrier than all get out at God. I sometimes swear and (gasp) often times it is in my talks with Him.
I am not this super spiritual person that you see on my blog 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I am just not.
No one is.
I have feelings of lack of faith, fear of dying, fear of not being what everyone expects me to be, fear of letting everyone down. Did I mention fear of dying? I often times think of what my last day will be like, will it be painful, will I go in my sleep, will my family be around me or will I be alone…
No matter how hard those feelings are to talk about, I need to talk about them. I need to talk about how much this SUPER SUCKS. I need to talk about how unfair it is and how much I just wish it would all go away. That doesn’t mean that I don’t trust God 100% with my future… I completely do. It means that I am human, and I am giving my self permission to be that from here on out… I am giving my self the one thing that Christ gives me on a daily basis.
Grace.
So if you are a cancer patient, and have left my blog thinking that you don’t measure up, or even if you aren’t a cancer patient and you have left my blog thinking that you don’t measure up…
Please forgive me.
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